Friday, January 20, 2006

Relearning the same damn lesson - again

So I am my residential conference which always is SO good to be at. It makes me happy just to be here - this school is such a great environment in so many ways. I am feeling inspired and have started to develop a plan for how to move from being a first, second and third semester student, to a third and fourth semester student (spring will be semester 4).

Since I dropped out of Practicum 1, because I didn't have a practicum (really clear decision that took a little too long to make, upon reflection) I have time today to sit in my plush room catching up on blackboard (our online classroom) discussions. I had so much blockage and fear because I was so behind that I didn't delve in as often as I should have throughout the semester. I was immobilized a lot of the semester. However, sitting here I realize how foolish that was, that it's not so bad, that I can be a good student albeit not a great one and that's fine. I finally read my prof's comments on a paper that I felt was a complete failure - she's not even going to ask for a rewrite! Though in truth she should so I may do it anyway. I did some of this for another class last night and today as well - again WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM!?!?

I have figured out part of it, I have no structure whatsoever. That's not news, I have been irregularly self-employed for over 9 years so why is it so bad now? One thing I realized is that neither The Girl Friend nor I have a schedule. Previously, my partner had a schedule so there was something implicit in the ether about time. Now nothing. Having a job, that while also not totally scheduled and predictable, I think will help. There will be regular meetings, paperwork due weekly, etc. I think that will help. So will groveling to my professors, one of who I am quite sure is ready to have me walk the plank into shark infested waters.

But, ultimately I feel a bit inspired, if not thoroughly exhausted. Last night stayed up late with friends laughing, telling stories, and just having fun. Of course being that we are all studying psychology there were lots of words that ordinarily wouldn't be used to describe things, behaviors or people. Projection, transference, narcissistic (used correctly!), countertransference, and calling people in a loving way on their bias was all part of the fun.

Speaking of bias. I tell ya - there are a lot of really complimentary prejudices about lesbians out there. Did you know that we are instinctually better lovers (if only!), that we are more comfortable in our identity (internalized homophobia anyone?), and more open to be sexually adventurous (my twitch started in earnest here)? Luckily I was able to cut down these lovely but false notions about my sistahs (with help from the other lesbian in the room). The looks we shared when these things were being said, well the eyes were rolling so hard I thought for sure I'd be looking heavenward for life.

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