Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Which is why I am posting here.

I do  not want to lose track of these words. While I struggle to find if, how, when astrology fits into my world view, my ethos, Rob Brezsny inspires me and rarely do the word for my sun and/or rising sign fail to resonate.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): "It's never too late to become what you might
have been," said novelist George Eliot. I'd like you to keep that thought in
mind throughout the rest of 2013 and beyond, Leo. I trust you will allow
its sly encouragement to work its way down into your darkest depths,
where it will revive your discouraged hopes and wake up your sleeping
powers. Here are the potential facts as I see them: In the next ten
months, you will be in prime time to reclaim the momentum you lost once
upon a time . . . to dive back into a beloved project you gave up on . . .
and maybe even resuscitate a dream that made your eyes shine when you
were younger and more innocent.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): According to my reading of the astrological
omens, the next 12 months will be a time when you will have more power
than usual to turn your dreams into realities. You'll have extra skill at
translating your ideals into practical action. To help make sure you
capitalize on this potential, I suggest you adopt this Latin phrase as your
motto: *a posse ad esse.* It means "from being possible to being actual."
So why not simply make your motto "from being possible to being
actual"? Why bother with the Latin version? Because I think your motto
should be exotic and mysterious -- a kind of magical incantation.

The one about it never being too late strikes a deep chord as I am only now embarking, with feelings of great pressure and time lost, on my work as a therapist, and hopefully writer/presenter/teacher. However my dreams when I was younger and more innocent were far less fully envisioned; I suppose that is the benefit of dreams delayed, one has more time to carefully imagine details and considerations youth would have mislaid, ignored, or scoffed at - you know, like paying bills easily with a bit of money left over for regular fun and the occasional big expenditure like a trip to Thailand for 3 weeks. 

My dreams and hopes are seriously intertwined, like trees in the Everglades - they are lush, full, a bit scary, can look haunted in the right light, and come in hundreds of colors and shades.

My immediate future is full of the scary and exciting - doing a two hour talk/presentation on sexual orientation/gender identity for my community, building a client base, looking for jobs, lots of writing ideas that haunt me as I try to drift off to sleep, and taking over a conference which will test my strengths of organization, networking, and fundraising, to illustrate some of my plans, hopes, dreams. All this on the background of financial worry, fears of aging, loss of people dear to me, excitement of finishing school (OMG I did it!), trying to finally explore the county I live in after a year of being here, and hoping my friends and community didn't desert me after my hermit like existence of the last two years. 

It feels a bit like being on the edge of cliff, having faith that the winds will allow me to soar, while having the still the tiny but forceful voice that is terrified of how and where we might land.

Sunday, February 03, 2013

The edge of the world

No it's the world does not really have an edge, not literally but I feel like standing on the edge of a cliff. Time is that cliff, the future is that cliff. My life is half over and I feel like I'm too late.

I am just getting started on the career I was supposed to have, meant to have, at least 15 years ago. I will probably never publish, never teach, never really do all the good I could have if I hadn't been caught up in, well myself, my baggage.

I'm old, tired, I have no retirement, I have no child, and I have no idea where I will be living or working in a few months. I love someone I can't make a commitment to and of whom I can't ask a commitment of.

The end of Grey's Anatomy, season 7 says so much about how I feel about being alone. 
There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever . . .
This is so unbelievably me, it and the whole episode, ended with me in tears. Listening to Meredith talk to the baby that she is bringing home, to an empty house had me wondering if I would be crazy to adopt. The answer is of course it's crazy and no one in their right mind would hand me a baby. I have not been able to fully process the choices, the realities that have left me a childless mother, with no spouse, with tens of thousands of student loans to repay. I am not sure I can. It is just too much. There is so much grief around the parenthood thing, leaving what was in many ways a good enough marriage with a wonderful person, the loss of people, chances, and youth.

Yes, in many ways, I would be better off not being in a relationship but is that reason enough to leave. Yes, in many ways I would be a really good parent but is that reason enough to to do it.  Yes, in many ways I will be an excellent clinician, but can I make way, earn my keep by doing that.

I am standing on the edge of cliff, trying to not to fall.