Thursday, July 08, 2010

Freeform anxiety

Welcome back my old friend. I can't say that I miss you when you disappear and when you appear I can't wait for you to leave again. Sigh.

The biggest thing is not presume that my fears, those negative thoughts and whispered horrors are true. Remembering that sometimes my mind is not my friend is a good, if challenging, thing. These feelings have been present on and off for several days now. I must just accept that they appear, that my shadows are always there, that they are not my enemy.

As I prepare to go to the city for the next few days, I realize that some of this is about leaving my nest. This cabin has become a haven for me. It is a place to let go, recharge, be totally inside myself. Last Tuesday I returned from California; from Thursday afternoon through Monday I had a lot of company. Tomorrow I head out for the weekend and thus I haven't had as much "top secret Dharma time" as my friend likes to call it before taking off again.

Aside from all that I am trying to determine where this is coming from, perhaps in part it's because I don't have the right dosage of my happy pills, and I have been stretching this script out, so I am getting an even lower dose than usual. Yes, it's that, but it is also some residual grieving over my last relationship and quite possibly still some backlog from the one before that because the truth is that one was completely messed up. It's processing a lot of things that have been rattling around my head from the past, from yesterday, from tomorrow's potential. It's a busy place in there.

It is also possible there is some loneliness happening in my heart, as much as I adore living here by myself. I have spent half my life living with partners, often without a lot of break between them. Between roommates and lovers I have rarely inhabited a space completely alone and not for a very, very long time. When my live-in partners went away for a trip or such, I delighted in being alone, it made me happy even while I missed them. Now that is all I have.

About a year ago I posited that my greed of love was a compelling factor in why I don't stay single. It's true I haven't been single long, but it is sinking in that I am indeed single; that the road ahead while it will be filled with friends, family of choice, and I expect some dating, I am alone on some level that is different than I am used to. It is scary, I think. Scary is not bad, but it is not comfortable. Really, in truth, since the breakup with BC, I am doing everything I planned to, except having her in my life. So on one hand my life is going according to my own plan and desire in all areas which is good, but the exception reflects a hole nonetheless. It is a big one, as I had very high hopes for her, for us. I guess I am still having moments when giving that up hurts. Perhaps I am rambling, grasping for some explanation of my moodiness.

I know this will pass, my center will reground, but in the meantime I am a bit uncomfortable in my own skin, which is so the opposite how I felt much of my time at NCDC camp where I danced more than usual - feeling very much in my body in a wonderful way. This weekend I will play, see family, and try to find my body again. Next weekend I will go to the Frolic and hope to reclaim some of that joy and magic from California here on this coast. So in general I will keep moving forward and my old friend will head off for another vacation, hopefully a very long one.