Saturday, July 25, 2009

The first of my sins

It’s true, it might even be obvious. I am greedy.

Sometimes my greed is simply and ordinary – I want more shoes, I pour over handbags on the computer, or even more basic I want more money because while it can’t, or shouldn’t buy love, it does buy some peace of mind.

Deeper down what I yearn for, what there is never enough of, is love. It is why it’s so hard to stay single. It’s part of why I like flirting – flirting is like small droplets of love, never enough to quench one’s thirst but it is so good one can forget how unquenchable their need is for a brief moment.

Since embarking on my latest journey, a sort of quest of myself even, I have been reminded of the love of family and friends almost daily. It is like a drug, a highly addictive drug. This is not bad, I do not even think I am unusual in this greed, this insatiable need, it consumes all of us, though perhaps some of us are more cognizant of its role. Many times I have painfully aware of how it runs my operating system. This time around however I hope to use it to better myself, to stop trying to fighting my need others, that I need their love, their adoration. This time I’d like to be more aware of disbursing what I need and receive in an outward direction more gracefully, more consciously of this innate drive we all share. I want to appreciate daily the love I have in my life, to have more faith that it will not all suddenly shrivel up and retreat from me. The last few months I have received a precious gift of acknowledgment and support, and yes love of friends and family; I have received amazing reconnections with people; I have been reminded how long some dear ones have been in my life and despite long bouts of absence there is no change in our feelings, in our connection.

I have been blessed; in fact I have been for a very long time. I am grateful for my blessings as I am grateful for the difficult times – they are both tools of teaching, of self knowledge, both lead towards enlightenment. I am not aiming to be the next Buddha, or even a bodhisattva but I do think part of our role in life is to strive towards that place of graciousness, of loving non-attachment, to see the light in everyone, of becoming more peaceful and complete within ourselves. So I will use my greed in the most positive ways I can find – to gather more love in order to distribute it widely with great passion towards others, to offer support and hope, to walk the right path for me.

(Just one version/image of a dharma wheel)


goblinbox said...

A friend of mine and I once had an hour-long conversation about how cheesy romance novels are actually stories about how we all want to fall in love with God and be loved back in return.

Jbeeky said...

How are you doing and where are you now? Just thinking about you today!