Saturday, September 19, 2009

Honest I don't know where the time went

Life continues to be a whirlwind. Mostly in good ways, some are hard though I admit. Since I last posted I have been in Cleveland OH, Croton NY, Northampton MA, Freedom NH, Northampton MA, Croton NY, Cleveland OH, Brooklyn NY, and at this very moment in Marlborough NH.

Right at this moment I am enjoying a beautiful quiet in a tiny room, in a house that is like a rabbit warren of spaces and doors. It is so lovely I cannot begin to tell you. The likelihood that anyone will come looking for me for at least another hour is about nil. The silence is lovely. Just the clacking of my keys, the sounds of sipping my too sweet, rapidly chilling coffee. Why am I in New Hampshire again you ask. My dear friends Greg and Janet are featured artists at this event and I am serving as their driver and manager. We drove up on Thursday to hang their art and get settled before their talk on Death Valley at Antioch College over in Keene. Both events were, at least in part, the brainchild of their good friend Rowland Russell, with whom I have had the honor of breaking bread with a number of times over the years. Thursday night we retired to our rooms in Hill House (last night renamed Horse Hill House by Ash, the fabulous cook/sommelier/gardener of Glenbrook because of the carousel like horse sculpture jauntily place on the roof line this summer as a prank) and in the night solitude I decided to knit with the only noise being the clink of my metal needles every once and again.

Okay, I know, some of you are scratching your heads about my travels which have been ongoing since March. There may even be some head tilting by my mention of Cleveland. I have a tiny, teeny little secret that I have been holding back from you my dear, devoted and beloved readers. I have a sweetheart, BC (Butch Charming, as my dear friend Dru dubbed her early on, and charming, romantic, sexy and thoughtful she is!). The gods have quite the sense of humor and saw fit to find me someone wonderful in the land of Ohio. So you will continue to see references to Cleveland as time moves forward I suspect. It's okay, you can laugh, snort even. So far things are wonderful and I have been working on keeping my balance in the ways I have decided are important in order not to lose myself. My suspicion is being long distance helps and I am happy to keep it that way as we figure out the path we want to be traveling on together.

Freedom NH is the new home base for Dance New England and it was quite a busy camp with a new site, more people than ever, new programs, a new bookkeeper added to the usual crazy stew that is camp. It was perhaps the most challenging camp work wise since my first, not the way I had hoped my tenth year in the job would feel, but life is what it is, yes? The new site has it's own beauty so that I did not miss Poland Spring too much, though I longed for my old office's coziness and privacy, the wooded areas that I had pitched my tent in other years.

In Northampton I visited some dear old friends and stayed with my good friend Michele. It was so good to get closer to our old rhythm as friends after the last few bumpy years and recreate the friendship with the knowledge that we can go through a rough patch and be okay in the end.

I am enjoying the quiet in this tiny room with one window and two doors that each lead to bigger rooms, hunkered in the middle of the space of this building. In recent days anxiety has been creeping in a bit, for the first time in a long time. On one hand I try to remember that this is no longer my every day or even every week reality and attempt to greet it with grace, to look for what the discomfort is telling me. The other hand panics a bit because it is hard to notice anything except the sense of impending doom which is the color and scent of my anxiety. Through feeling it, trying to avoid it and listening to it, it seems to stems from a lack of time alone, where I know no one will come into my physical space, where I can lay about in my worst clothes, eat ice cream from the container whilst standing at the open freezer door with no fear of being stumbled upon, caught in the act of total incorrectness. To just be, unencumbered by "being on" that is required around most people. While it is relatively easy to not be particularly "on" with Greg and Janet, there is no separate room in their incredible loft, no way to shut the door literally and figuratively on interactions. When sharing the home with BC there are spaces to retreat to, and we can be quiet together (so nice!) there is still that want to be in contact more because we are new, and it is just not the same (as she knows and respects) as being completely alone for a few hours. The last time I can remember having space like that is mid May. Simply too long for this isolating extrovert to go without such time.

The other piece of this is my lack of a place to use as a home base. I am working on a place, ideally somewhere in NY, to retreat to between visits to Sunny's to work (eventually take over the bookkeeping for their business), doing office management for Greg and Janet, as well as trips (10-14 days at a time) to stay with BC. There are some leads developing but nothing is known and I suspect it's getting to me a bit. I have hopes of a cabin in the New Paltz area, so pray to your special deity that this cabin or something similar manifests soon.

Now that the summer is done, so is the bulk of my paying work, another area that is creating some stress so I will have to work on finishing the tasks associated with those positions as well as put time into my other smaller gigs, and finding new ones. It has occurred to me that I need to create a bit of schedule to my days in order to take care of the various tasks and goals on my plate, one that is flexible enough to be done regardless of where I am physically. One would think that after being self employed for a dozen years I would have this down better, but my work and life flows change so much, plus I am so loathe to rigidity and structure that I am afraid I have made it worse. Well there is always time to work on things and improve them, yes?

So this is where I've been, and what I am working on most immediately. I will work on being a better, more consistent communicator as well. I really lost track of time and had not realized it had been so long since I posted.


LittleWit said...

Best of luck as you chart out the next chapter of your journey

Jbeeky said...

I am so glad you posted and I can almost smell the wood in the room you described. Enjoy and enjoy.

heather said...

sounds like your adventures are pretty good on the whole. glad to hear it :)