Freeform anxiety

Welcome back my old friend. I can't say that I miss you when you disappear and when you appear I can't wait for you to leave again. Sigh.

The biggest thing is not presume that my fears, those negative thoughts and whispered horrors are true. Remembering that sometimes my mind is not my friend is a good, if challenging, thing. These feelings have been present on and off for several days now. I must just accept that they appear, that my shadows are always there, that they are not my enemy.

As I prepare to go to the city for the next few days, I realize that some of this is about leaving my nest. This cabin has become a haven for me. It is a place to let go, recharge, be totally inside myself. Last Tuesday I returned from California; from Thursday afternoon through Monday I had a lot of company. Tomorrow I head out for the weekend and thus I haven't had as much "top secret Dharma time" as my friend likes to call it before taking off again.

Aside from all that I am trying to determine where this is coming from, perhaps in part it's because I don't have the right dosage of my happy pills, and I have been stretching this script out, so I am getting an even lower dose than usual. Yes, it's that, but it is also some residual grieving over my last relationship and quite possibly still some backlog from the one before that because the truth is that one was completely messed up. It's processing a lot of things that have been rattling around my head from the past, from yesterday, from tomorrow's potential. It's a busy place in there.

It is also possible there is some loneliness happening in my heart, as much as I adore living here by myself. I have spent half my life living with partners, often without a lot of break between them. Between roommates and lovers I have rarely inhabited a space completely alone and not for a very, very long time. When my live-in partners went away for a trip or such, I delighted in being alone, it made me happy even while I missed them. Now that is all I have.

About a year ago I posited that my greed of love was a compelling factor in why I don't stay single. It's true I haven't been single long, but it is sinking in that I am indeed single; that the road ahead while it will be filled with friends, family of choice, and I expect some dating, I am alone on some level that is different than I am used to. It is scary, I think. Scary is not bad, but it is not comfortable. Really, in truth, since the breakup with BC, I am doing everything I planned to, except having her in my life. So on one hand my life is going according to my own plan and desire in all areas which is good, but the exception reflects a hole nonetheless. It is a big one, as I had very high hopes for her, for us. I guess I am still having moments when giving that up hurts. Perhaps I am rambling, grasping for some explanation of my moodiness.

I know this will pass, my center will reground, but in the meantime I am a bit uncomfortable in my own skin, which is so the opposite how I felt much of my time at NCDC camp where I danced more than usual - feeling very much in my body in a wonderful way. This weekend I will play, see family, and try to find my body again. Next weekend I will go to the Frolic and hope to reclaim some of that joy and magic from California here on this coast. So in general I will keep moving forward and my old friend will head off for another vacation, hopefully a very long one.

The rolling hills of my mind

It's been a hard few weeks, very hard. The truth is our heroine has been struggling mightily. It has been hard to maintain my moods which swing from despair to reasonably fine with alarming frequency. It is hard to know if it's situational, perimenopausal hormonal hell, or my meds have decided to stop working.

Time might tell if it's the medications, though how I will determine that is hard to know right now. Ditto regarding hormonal hell (though lately the night sweats have totally disappeared). Situational, sigh. It seems that the deep crazies started right before the anniversary of my leaving Dayton which was last March. The week before that date I went to Yuma to visit with Abby, something that was years overdue. As the fates would have it things were a bit unsettled with her life there, but it was really fine, that is what family is for, to be there and let go of expectations. We managed to have a lot of fun and spent tons of time talking about everything - so wonderful.

The day after I came back was the actual anniversary and had been wanting to so something to mark it. Serendipitously, during a meandering conversation with Sunny, I realized what I wanted to do. In December of 2008 I had started a pair of Fuzzyfeet as a gift for the now ex-partner; they were finished except for the felting. Initially I had thought I would felt them and send them to her. However for a variety of reasons I changed my mind. I had thought about finishing them and gifting them to someone else entirely but that never seemed right either. In a moment during the conversation with Sunny I realized that I would unravel them and reknit them into something for me. I began the hunt for potential patterns soon after coming to this decision and am pretty certain the yarn will be repurposed for this. I have not yet cast on but I did unravel my stitches and rewind the yarn. As I pulled out the stitches, I thought about letting go, about untangling myself from my ex's energy, about making a commitment to my creativity, to not give away my craft without thought, to honoring my time and focus.

I have continued, albeit sporadically, to write for an internet content mill - my largest success was writing five articles in a week, none needing edits and two were a higher word count (and hence pay). I was thrilled. My morning pages have continued and I am close to finishing my second journal; but I have not blogged. Nor I have I kept up on the reading of the book or workbook exercises; I tell myself I can do them anytime and they will still serve me well.

Things with BC have bounced around a great deal and it shakes me to my core when I think things are not going well, worst of all, it might be all (or mostly) in my head. My struggles are had to define and I find it impossible to trust my gut. Mostly I think, Gut? What gut? All that's here is a crowded room of fear. It's stupid, it doesn't help things because I wind up walking on eggshells that I have put there myself. How ridiculous is that? It must be annoying the hell out of her. Everything that is said or done, I read into endless as if they are shape-shifting tea leaves. Crazy making I can tell you.

I have gotten back a bit of my knitting mojo which makes me happy and gives me comfort.

About two weeks I walked my first 5K at the Cleveland Zoo. Given that I had not been training at all (hm, a connection with my mental state?) I was thrilled with my outcome which was 55min30secs. Just a hair under 18min/mile, with hills! It gave me some measure of confidence regarding my upcoming trip to Utah.


Greg, Janet, me and three others will be embarking on a very well planned (by Greg) inspiring, and challenging (perhaps only for me) two week hiking trip to bring awareness to SUWA (Southern Utah Wildness Alliance) who's mission is the "preservation of the outstanding wilderness at the heart of the Colorado Plateau...". We are hoping to explore the Canyonlands (staying at Camp Death Horse Point), the Escalante River, Devil's Garden Wilderness and Dry Fork Coyote Gulch.

Great names, no? I expect to have my claustrophobia challenged by slithering into slot canyons, and cannot wait to view hoodoos.

There is a chance we may produce an artist's book using their paintings (and perhaps some of my writing or photography - if I'm very lucky). Either way this will be a great project as part of their Art & Adventures identity. I have been very fortunate to work with them on the business end of their art careers for about the last year (often working as a virtual assistant) and I am excited to be a small part of their latest jaunt of combining art and the great outdoors.

The last two nights I have had remarkable dreams, they are providing me with answers, confidence, and some clarity. They have very much been about working through the residual layers of my last relationship, about making room for myself to be me, to think outside of the box in terms of how I live my life. In one I was in a therapy session talking about my relationship fears and I gave myself a great answer to some of what I have been experiencing. One of the gifts my last relationship was having someone tell me constantly that I have walls, that I keep people out. It is true and a good deal of the work I've been during this year has been renovating those walls by creating doors and windows. What this means is that I am letting people (specifically BC) in more, which leaves me vulnerable in a way that I have not been. This has been the case in so many ways, doing things that challenge my fears - the time alone in New Paltz, my relationship with BC, the 5K, Utah, roller coasters. Being more open hurts, leaves us open to being hurt. I have lived my life being very guarded, I am breaking away from that and it's hard. Last night's dream I was a house, not literally, but the house in the dream represented me. I was giving myself permission to stay here, in me, I consciously readied things of my ex's to be packed up and moved out, while I choose to keep things that were BC's, I decided
to move into the largest bedroom, to have roommates (let people in).

I am hopeful, even while I am feeling challenged and shaky tonight, that these dreams represent movement, growth away from the cycle of crazy I have been feeling for the last month. In a few days I head to Utah for another adventure that I am certain will offer more insight and growth, along with physical exhaustion. Did I mention I have never hiked with a pack before, or hell hike? See y'all after Utah in early May.

In which our heroine lose her mind and finds an answer

It has been a crazy day, really. I woke with total joy as BC was driving today to come see me; to visit this little paradise I have been inhabiting. Yesterday I was so productive that I was very ready for her to be here. So ready on so many levels: it's been three weeks since I have seen her; I miss looking into her eyes and feeling her soft skin; the peaceable silence we have when each of us are working; and yes I have missed the more private moments of loud, passionate, sex.

The weather was not cooperating, not in the least, with a big storm system shutting down major roads and airports. After leaving later than expected, striving mightily on a major highway that was down to one lane, she wisely decided to stop trying to barrel through. Based on our phone call I had thought she was going to turn around and at the first chance pull off to a motel to sit the storm out until morning. While flipping channels I stopped on that channel that only geeks watch by the hour, you know the one, where I learned that they had shut down part of 80 East because of a huge car pile up in Pennsylvania. My mind began racing, now I was grateful that she had left so much later than planned or she could have been in that crash. Foolishly I stayed glued to the channel longer than I should have, plus I started checking weather reports on the web randomly covering all the miles between here and there.

Time passed without me noticing until suddenly I did. It had been well over an hour since our call and I had not heard from her. Thoughts began just at the edges of my mind, dropping tiny "what ifs" into my consciousness. Later I tried calling and did not reach her. The clock continued to move until the thoughts got louder, began taunting me with the possibility of terrible things, that just as I was finding myself at the precipice of a happy healthy relationship, it would be ripped away from me. Yes I realized I was being dramatic but I also know that I function better if I plan out the worst to try to picture how I will get past it.

The truth is after almost three hours and no response to my calls full on paranoia set in. My googling skills failed me as I searched madly for a way to locate accident information on highways. I searched for hospitals in the area and actually called two to see if she had been taken there after running her cute but winter incompetent car off the road. Did I mention I was aware I had run amok? I wondered who would know to contact me if something did in fact happen; would I be allowed back in the house, could I collect something meaningful to me that was hers to hold tight forever. I tried to distract myself with games on the computer, aimlessly internet shop, and tried talking myself out of this crazyville I had thrown myself into.

When the phone rang with her distinct ring tone I felt almost like I would crumple onto the floor. I don't think I realized how brittle with tension my body had become. In the end she wound up driving all the way back home, she was tired, pissed, sad and hungry. She did not even think I would be worried, probably because she was feeling so thwarted and frustrated. My response was less than grateful; I felt like one of those mothers who's child finally gets home and while hugging them, crying with joy is screaming that if they do that again she will kill them.

In reflecting on all of this it became clear why people rush into relationships, why they move in immediately, wed impetuously. The 'what if' is the pit in our belly, the insecurity of loss, of being forgotten, or being replaced. We want to know we have a place, we want that place recognized, both in the private realm (family and friends) and the larger circle (work, neighborhood, church of choice). We want our relationship to be acknowledged, we don't want to be left behind, we want to belong to someone; so we bond, sometimes bond badly, too soon, without enough thought which leads us to do it again and again. We need to find the strength in ourselves, the strength that tells us we are important on our own, that we will rise above loss, before we bond again, so that perhaps we can choose with greater wisdom, so we don't rush a relationship as to allow it to bloom as nature meant, not as a forced bloom shining out of season, out of rhythm.

I will not force this relationship into one, short and lovely flower that cannot take root and grow. When I feel panicked about the future, I will think about how lovely it is when a plant takes roots, when it spreads and grows with the right care. It becomes an integral part of the landscape, offers a home to critters, and is beautiful in its own right just because it there.

Cranky, crabby, and anxious

That sums up my day. On edge, not fun to be around, and raging anxiety. I have been a joy to be around today for BC I'm sure.

Reading the evaluations from DNE has not helped my mood. I realize there were a large number of extenuating circumstances this year which meant that I did not put my best foot forward but it still stings. I also know that scoring "registration" also involves the new PayP*l structure which means fees, and the database interface for online registration which is still a work in progress. Unfortunately I am also a work in progress and I did not performance to the best of my ability, let alone my standard. I am trying to not let it bother me as much as that one year which had a comment that I was "an arrogant bitch". Okay maybe the person didn't use the word "bitch" but trust me it was strongly implied. Greg of course tried to cheer me by saying it was clearly from someone who didn't like me keeping boundaries. Might be time for some Rescue Remedy.

In other news The Kid took Reserve Grand Champion in her horse show this afternoon. Very proud.

Honest I don't know where the time went

Life continues to be a whirlwind. Mostly in good ways, some are hard though I admit. Since I last posted I have been in Cleveland OH, Croton NY, Northampton MA, Freedom NH, Northampton MA, Croton NY, Cleveland OH, Brooklyn NY, and at this very moment in Marlborough NH.

Right at this moment I am enjoying a beautiful quiet in a tiny room, in a house that is like a rabbit warren of spaces and doors. It is so lovely I cannot begin to tell you. The likelihood that anyone will come looking for me for at least another hour is about nil. The silence is lovely. Just the clacking of my keys, the sounds of sipping my too sweet, rapidly chilling coffee. Why am I in New Hampshire again you ask. My dear friends Greg and Janet are featured artists at this event and I am serving as their driver and manager. We drove up on Thursday to hang their art and get settled before their talk on Death Valley at Antioch College over in Keene. Both events were, at least in part, the brainchild of their good friend Rowland Russell, with whom I have had the honor of breaking bread with a number of times over the years. Thursday night we retired to our rooms in Hill House (last night renamed Horse Hill House by Ash, the fabulous cook/sommelier/gardener of Glenbrook because of the carousel like horse sculpture jauntily place on the roof line this summer as a prank) and in the night solitude I decided to knit with the only noise being the clink of my metal needles every once and again.

Okay, I know, some of you are scratching your heads about my travels which have been ongoing since March. There may even be some head tilting by my mention of Cleveland. I have a tiny, teeny little secret that I have been holding back from you my dear, devoted and beloved readers. I have a sweetheart, BC (Butch Charming, as my dear friend Dru dubbed her early on, and charming, romantic, sexy and thoughtful she is!). The gods have quite the sense of humor and saw fit to find me someone wonderful in the land of Ohio. So you will continue to see references to Cleveland as time moves forward I suspect. It's okay, you can laugh, snort even. So far things are wonderful and I have been working on keeping my balance in the ways I have decided are important in order not to lose myself. My suspicion is being long distance helps and I am happy to keep it that way as we figure out the path we want to be traveling on together.

Freedom NH is the new home base for Dance New England and it was quite a busy camp with a new site, more people than ever, new programs, a new bookkeeper added to the usual crazy stew that is camp. It was perhaps the most challenging camp work wise since my first, not the way I had hoped my tenth year in the job would feel, but life is what it is, yes? The new site has it's own beauty so that I did not miss Poland Spring too much, though I longed for my old office's coziness and privacy, the wooded areas that I had pitched my tent in other years.

In Northampton I visited some dear old friends and stayed with my good friend Michele. It was so good to get closer to our old rhythm as friends after the last few bumpy years and recreate the friendship with the knowledge that we can go through a rough patch and be okay in the end.

I am enjoying the quiet in this tiny room with one window and two doors that each lead to bigger rooms, hunkered in the middle of the space of this building. In recent days anxiety has been creeping in a bit, for the first time in a long time. On one hand I try to remember that this is no longer my every day or even every week reality and attempt to greet it with grace, to look for what the discomfort is telling me. The other hand panics a bit because it is hard to notice anything except the sense of impending doom which is the color and scent of my anxiety. Through feeling it, trying to avoid it and listening to it, it seems to stems from a lack of time alone, where I know no one will come into my physical space, where I can lay about in my worst clothes, eat ice cream from the container whilst standing at the open freezer door with no fear of being stumbled upon, caught in the act of total incorrectness. To just be, unencumbered by "being on" that is required around most people. While it is relatively easy to not be particularly "on" with Greg and Janet, there is no separate room in their incredible loft, no way to shut the door literally and figuratively on interactions. When sharing the home with BC there are spaces to retreat to, and we can be quiet together (so nice!) there is still that want to be in contact more because we are new, and it is just not the same (as she knows and respects) as being completely alone for a few hours. The last time I can remember having space like that is mid May. Simply too long for this isolating extrovert to go without such time.

The other piece of this is my lack of a place to use as a home base. I am working on a place, ideally somewhere in NY, to retreat to between visits to Sunny's to work (eventually take over the bookkeeping for their business), doing office management for Greg and Janet, as well as trips (10-14 days at a time) to stay with BC. There are some leads developing but nothing is known and I suspect it's getting to me a bit. I have hopes of a cabin in the New Paltz area, so pray to your special deity that this cabin or something similar manifests soon.

Now that the summer is done, so is the bulk of my paying work, another area that is creating some stress so I will have to work on finishing the tasks associated with those positions as well as put time into my other smaller gigs, and finding new ones. It has occurred to me that I need to create a bit of schedule to my days in order to take care of the various tasks and goals on my plate, one that is flexible enough to be done regardless of where I am physically. One would think that after being self employed for a dozen years I would have this down better, but my work and life flows change so much, plus I am so loathe to rigidity and structure that I am afraid I have made it worse. Well there is always time to work on things and improve them, yes?

So this is where I've been, and what I am working on most immediately. I will work on being a better, more consistent communicator as well. I really lost track of time and had not realized it had been so long since I posted.

Rumblings in the brain

For many years, maybe three-fourths of my life, I have experienced these feelings of impending doom - something I should be doing, something I haven't done, something I did wrong will come tumbling forward and I will be a puddle of despair of entirely my own making. These feelings come over me at random times, often in bed when falling asleep, sometimes when out having a good time and a quiet moment crosses which allows that spidery web of distress envelop my gut and shake it, hard.

Last night I had it again. Greg and I had just gone to hear Jay Wiseman give a presentation on Immobilizing Bondage which largely was god awful. We were tearing it apart, having fun in our more polymorphous view of the world and thus more correct view versus his limited heterosexist and sexist style. A moment of satisfied silence was suddenly overtaken be this sense that I shouldn't be having fun, that my life should have more form, that I should be a good little societal mole and finally act like the grown up I imagined from time to time when I was young.

Many years ago when I first was on anti-depressants the impending doom sensation disappeared and the idea that I was not in fact being presentient was incredibly liberating. When I was not on my happy pills it was useful thing to remember that it was simply my brain misfiring and only appearing cruel or psychic. It is not surprising that I am having waves of this now giving I am not following any particular model, watching my donated pennies until I can form my own cash flow. Largely I am on my own schedule, I am not responsible in a day to day way for anyone for the first time in years and years. It feels so liberating. I am going simply by my rhythm and working not to judge myself for it. Tomorrow night I will see a number of my family for the first time in five years. What will I tell them? Am I afraid of their judgement? Could I view it instead that I am being brave, that they would find what I am doing scary and somewhere deep inside they could be in awe of me? I'm not sure. In truth their reaction will probably be a mix of worry that my life has no form and a little wistful that they are not, maybe have never, been in this place.

This morning Greg and I talked some more about the gut shaking I get. He offered that maybe I could try to find a way to turn it into something constructive, creative, or other wise work this sensation into a positive. From there we talked a bit about what my plans are, where my focus is in terms of the next short and intermediate steps in my path. Encouraging noises were made on his part, and I, in turn, realized I had some shape, solid ideas about where and how I wanted to go but that I was also keeping some things open ended since there are many unknowns that are only somewhat in my control. I will continue to take my life in my hands, chart my own waters, and know that I have many good friends to visit with, help guide me, and generally love me well through thes travels.

Feel a bit sorry for myself and a bit lost

So I have been on this email list/community since 1996 or 1997. I took a break at some point for probably less than a year and rejoined in November 1999. Met a lot of folks from there, it saved my life when I first moved to California and it's how I met TGF. There have been many ups and downs over the years, however I am mostly not feeling connected to it for about a year now. It's been feeling a bit like I'm on the sidelines, jumping up and down, saying things like "Look over here! ", "I'm here too". Not pleasant.

The latest was that I wrote, about two weeks ago, on there that I was going to California and wanted to see folks. Not one of my friends/acquaintances from out there wrote me. Not.One. Two folks who have joined the list since I left the west coast have written me. Seriously. Yesterday I wrote the local smaller list, asking for a possible ride from the airport, jokingly asking if someone had a car they weren't using, and wrote "again I would love to see as many of you as I can". Nada. The silence has been deafening. I have tentative plans to stay with my good friend Jennie, which makes me SO happy but damn. You know? It's not like this is the first time I've written or had contact with most of these folks. I've only been gone about nine months by the time I fly out there but it feels so far away right now.

Seriously I think it may be time to leave but I have developed such connections with these folks. I've met probably about 30 people from this list that has hovered between 110-200 people in the last few years. That's a large percentage. Some I've never met but spoken to on the phone, or just because of the on and off list conversations consider them friends, worry about them, cheer them on, all that stuff. It's had to imagine my life before November 1999 (my first go round I was pretty silent on list and didn't really get to know folks). But I am feeling more than ever it might be time to say goodbye and it hurts like hell. However right now the bad/hurt place is louder than the fun/connected place.

The idea of leaving makes me feel really lonely. It makes me wonder if the bonds and friendships were all in my head, one-sided. All that good stuff. While I am building relationships, and starting what could be some fabulous friendships here in Ohio, the idea of being without this resource, this lifeline is scary and SO lonely. And it makes me question if I'm really the good person I think I am, or wonder if I have fucked up somehow and no one will tell me, or leads me to thoughts of "they were just putting up with me". Good times here this morning I tell you.

On top of all that I am deep in NCDC registration land, heading to camp on June 13th and it's all new there. It's not like going to DNE which is a lot like going home to welcoming arms. So I'm having anxiety about that, finding a ride down to camp and back again, where I'll stay in the Bay Area after camp, contemplating being away from TGF for two weeks where I will probably have limited contact because there isn't cell phone access at camp and they only have dial up.

Yep it's good times here in Dayton this morning. What the hell else can I feel anxious about?!? A zillion things but I don't want to drive away my three readers so I'll stop now. Maybe I'm just PMSing which makes all this feel bigger and more horrible than it really is. Yeah, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

For Whom the Academic Bell Tolls

I believe it tolls for me. Two months have passed during which I had planned to be writing papers. The books haven't even been unpacked. Due to lack of payment of administrative fees associated with taking my leave of absence, I have been administratively withdrawn. As I have scanned help wanted ads in two states it seems that as much as I love the focus of doing the marriage & family therapy route, it's not that practical. The plan had been to write papers this fall/winter (which could still happen), reenroll with a change in concentration and finish up in the spring semester with an MA in Psychology and reassess things. However that will cost a LOT of money.

Now I have been thinking of writing the papers just for me, start paying back loans in the spring and apply to a local MSW program. It as been weighing on my mind a lot. It has probably been contributing to my on and off again depression, night anxiety, and inertia. I am burdened by my "should" list, my "should have done" list, my "what if" list. There are more, but you get the idea.

So today I researched some local schools that offer MSW degree and have requested information from two of them. Unfortunately any other school requires the GREs. Ugh. The practice session I did on the spur of the moment a few years ago was god awful and I really sucked. This could be a very ugly process.

I wish I knew someone, objective and informed on the degrees and job market to talk to about this decision, path, last ditch effort to pull a master's out of this procrastinating body of mine. If any of my four readers have any ideas, let me know.

In which our heroine and stress are justlikethis

First of all I want to say that I have deeply appreciated the comments and support y'all have offered. It has been great during a very difficult few days.

It is looking more and more likely that the job is a sure thing and a move is in our near future. We are waiting for the word from the regional guy but so far it looks like it's full steam ahead. There are almost literally a million things to work out. Like finding funding for our move and new housing. Moving one dog and five cats across country. Deciding what to keep, sell, or toss. And some of the hardest of all, saying good bye to our family here.

We are concentrating our search for places to live in south eastern Dayton (around Kettering for those who are familiar) , Beavercreek, and Yellow Springs, so if you know anything about those areas I'd love to hear from you. It is a little daunting that the nearest Whole Paycheck is an hour away, there are no Wild Oats anywhere. At least they have Trader J*e's. I did find something that seemed kind of neat, New Life Food Club. Certainly sounds like something to check out. The Dayton version of craigslist is absolutely pitiful compared with SFBay area. Clearly it is not the major way one finds jobs, or at least my kind of jobs.

The last few days have been very intense. In classic karmic fashion we had set up an appointment with our therapist who we hadn't seen in over a year. Life stresses were getting to us so we figured a tune up was in order. Two days after booking the appointment all this hit the fan. Needless to say yesterday was a very hard day. We have both been very tense, going over all the options or the feeling of lack of options if this job doesn't come through and somehow therapy did not improve all that. Well that's not entirely true but it was a lot of work.

Things are feeling better today, even though or maybe because, this morning we had an very emotional conversation. We do need to this work to stay happy, and make the best out of this move. And we will.

Blinded by the light

....of a job offer. Okay maybe more like a potential job offer. Not for me but for TGF.
In Ohio. Yes, yes, the state I said I would not move to, ever. Okay one of the states I have said that about but this declaration was made repeatedly and emphatically.

TGF has a son, like I have a daughter, not by blood, not through official channels but still a young person in our lives who we have taken a parental role with over a long period. Well he works somewhere (a large chain) that has a store opening (that I guess is sort of in his region), has pull (he is a very charming boy), and spoke to TGF about it yesterday.

In theory the store is set to open in late July but has been pushed back a few times. The timing could not be much worse for me as that is right at the height of work for Dance New England for me, right after the end of a school semester - in other words a mess.

This is very much like deja vu for me. Six years ago, almost to the month my ex applied for a job in California when we were living in Massachusetts. Memorial Day weekend 2001 she and I came out here for her interview and to check things out a bit. C left Massachusetts with 98% of our belongings in mid July while I stayed behind to finish getting the house ready to sell, went to Dance New England, and then I drove west after it was over. I've never seen the movie, but this is feeling a bit like Groundhog Day to me.

Nothing is written in stone, it's only been 24 hours since she was sort of offered the job, there are a ton of questions our boy and the business would need to answer but what a ride already.

The town where the store is scares the hell out of me. It's 95% caucasian. I have never live anywhere like that. There are about 12,000 people, so it's smaller than anywhere I've been and I could not find a synagogue in the town. As of a recent census there is 0.10% lesbian population. Read that again folks, one tenth of one percent! I woke up this morning saying it "why couldn't it be somewhere like Yellow Springs if I have to move to frigging Ohio." Well, actually we could move there as it's a reasonable drive to the job.

TGF's friend, and mine really, Jeriann is totally excited about this potential move as she lives nearby in Centerville. Jeriann was recently here trying to relocate with her company but just yesterday morning got the offer which made it a no go deal for her. We both talked to her about options. Then TGF got the job phone call while I was out. It took her over two hours after I got home to tell, and that after trying to figure out with Jer how to tell me about all this.

Just how did she tell me you might wonder. I came home, we had some dinner and were watching television. Then she says I need to run out and get a Mountain Dew. I did think it odd as it was after 8pm that she would get a "pop" but I blew it off. We are back to sitting on the couch, laptops engaged, television crackling. I see an email come through from her at about 8:40pm. The subject line is "Fwd: home" with a real estate listing link saying she sent it to Jer. How odd I think, Jer has a condo. "Why would you send that to Jer?" There is a very awful pause and a funny look passes over her face. "I got a job offer today.....in Ohio." Blown away I think begins to describe my reaction. Realizing this morning that Yellow Springs is a reasonable option as made this a bit easier for me.

There are some benefits to this, number one being she would have a job that could definitely pay our bills and we could start paying down the debt we have accumulated in the last two years. She is promising me that we would not stay there more than two years (think it would be longer but hopefully not more than four). We would still work on moving to the south, somewhere that will hopefully be our "forever" home. TGF is regularly homesick being here and has not fallen in love with California. We would be able to really get to know our niece, T'Mane which is really appealing. It would be lovely to be near Jer, but I would miss my friends here so much it's hard to breath if I think about it. I would be closer to the east coast so in theory between it costing less to fly and having money I might actually be able to see family and friends more.

Stay tuned. Follow the bouncing ball. Buckle up for the roller coaster. Start an office pool. Remind me to breathe.

Hello darkness, my old friend

Well I thought about writing when it still light out. I want to thank everyone for their supportive comments. It was striking to me how many of you found something that resonated in my last post. On one hand I am happy that I was able to articulate something that was deeply felt, but on the other I am sad that so many of us know that place so well.

I also thought I was going to write that there has been a lightening going on here. There has been, really. I haven't been feeling quite so gloomy, a bit more patient. For those astute readers you may note that is being posted at an ungodly hour. I have not yet gone to sleep. I tried, I really did. But my old friend anxiety and I werelikethis in the television lit bedroom. Yes, I tried shutting it off and the voices in my head only got louder. Even when I was finally about to quiet the deafening sounds of eviction fears, calculating what I would sell for quick cash and rearranging things to rent out my office for income, my brain and body would not shut down.

Since I had read recently that if you can't fall asleep, it is better to go into another room until you get sleepy enough to attempt sleep. Well, it's just shy of 5am and I have to be at work at 9am. Yeah, sleep? Not happening anytime soon. I know from past experience of cramming for school and birth work that a two hour nap is worse at this point. I suspect that scanning craigslist and not finding anything to apply does not help with relaxation. Mind numbing data entry is going to be a bitch in a few hours. I predict my productivity level will be down.The up side to being up at this hour is that I was able to respond to some Dance New England emails that came through.

Anyway, now I'm sleepy!

Climbing little hills

The financial woes continue here at Casa de Cedar but there are some positives. Stars 'r Us called me in for extra hours on Friday which was a nice surprise. The work is boring as all get out. Seriously boring and on Friday I was at a computer with no speaker so no Pandora {pout}. Still need to determine if I can listen Brenda's Cast-on and focus on my work.

Over the weekend I heard from my February client who was looking for postpartum help while her partner was out of town. While I was a bit daunted by prospect of working doing data entry all day then dashing over to Montclair Village for a few hours but damn if the money wasn't motivating.

On Sunday I finally got to hang out with my dear friend Jennie. We compared ideas for knitting projects, showed off our UFOs and just talk endlessly for the first time in forever.

Also during the weekend TGF heard from the guy who sent her the best, most positive rejection letter just two weeks ago. He wrote about two part time tech jobs! Cautiously optimistic is the watch word around here on the job front around here.

For the first time since Piccolo came to stay while her human, our friend Ruth, was on vacation I was grateful for her early morning barking since I had forgotten to set the alarm. Since we have both been stressed, and frankly my depression (and hence terrible mood swings) has been really bad for several months we haven't always been getting along and this weekend was not good. Hence sleeping and emotional exhaustion have been fighting each other. So, thank you Piccolo. In a manner most uncharacteristic for me I just could not clear the brain fog and was grateful for the free coffee at work. While still in the fog my cell phone rang with my client at the other end, canceling the hours we had set up. On one hand I was glad to have the evening to spend with TGF, hopefully in a relaxed state, but damn the money would have sure come in handy.

So to help with the utter boredom of my work I decided to jot down some of the more, um, interesting names. I have a favorite humour site, Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing that can always make me laugh and groan. So in homage to the original I give you some of the best from today's work:
Heaven Leigh - like the first name on it's own isn't a lot to live up to
Tijhan - there are a lot of ways this could be pronounced...
Chynna and her sister Queen-India - seriously
Roxxanne - I love this name, have a dear, dear friend with the name and I realize one "x" is worth 8 points in Scrabble, but you can't use proper names people
Jennica - the tabloids coming up with these name combos is bad enough but to be burdened with it as your actual name?
Unique - really, that is the kid's name. Don't just encourage your kid to be their own person but let the world know that are different because you told them so
Latonjinea - huh?
Dillion - is the second "i" silent? Is it supposed to rhyme with million?
Maczine - is there a syllable missing here?

T'Mane's top has been driving me crazy. I got about a good 3-4 inches knit up when I realized it the gauge was waaaaay off. As in the circumference should be about 48 inches and I had about 60 inches. Frogging ensued. Then I cast on from scratch and twisted the damn thing when I joined it. Riiip. I think it's finally ready to go. Again.

Today I got home and had a call from an agency I sent an application to about 10 days ago and had written off. Jimbo and I played phone tag until about 8:30 tonight. It was so worth the frustration, he was too much fun. The actual job I had applied for has been filled but he wanted to see if there was a way to work with me. Wow. How often does that sort of thing happen? Like never. Jimbo is passing my information onto another supervisor for a 20 hours/wk position that would pay (nothing great but a higher hourly rate than Stars 'r Us), give me BBS hours, and even some benefits. Hello? Benefits? What the hell are those, you know what I'm saying? Downsides are my gig in August could put a damper on this option and the job is in Marin County, not exactly close by and means a toll bridge. But this Jimbo character, he's awesome. He said, "If you don't hear from Louisana in three business days, call me. I'm your point person through this." Again, wow! Cautious optimism. Which reminds me, I need to look at craiglist again because hey nothing is written in stone.

I'd rather knit. It's a toss up which activity will happen after I click "publish".

In which our heroine actually works in an office

I do realize that much of the world works an eight hour day (give or take) in an office much of the week, year round for years, however I am clearly not like the rest of the world. It has been over 10 years, or around a quarter of my life span since I worked a 40-hour week on a regular basis and the longest stint I did of such a schedule, continuously was five years and that was split between two employers. I am so not "a company man" kind of woman.

Another interesting tidbit about this place, besides it's role as a potential star making factory for kids, is there is an actual time clock to punch. This amuses me no end. I think I had one other job where I "punched the clock" and that was a zillion years ago in Manhattan at an upscale real estate firm. It was not one my longer stints for many reasons which we need not go into. Suffice it to say that pompous yuppies (hm, is that redundant?) are not my cup of tea.

Mondays are a slow day at Stars r Us because they do heavy recruiting on the weekends, hence the need for data entry of these babes in the woods at the start of the week. Apparently it was a slow day so around 3 o'clock I got trained in scanning photos from the files we were all madly entering. Maggie (not here real name either) thought I had picked up everything - data entry and scanning really quickly which I guess is why she asked me about three times if I was really only there on Mondays. Maybe she'll pass the word to Iris, who hired me, that I should get more hours.

At one point we were down in reception and I flashed on how if this was a television series my role would be that of the plucky and uniquely gifted temp who would quickly became a beloved employee working my way up through the ranks in no time, scouting stars right and left. From there my mind went to the idea of some simple little job being tempting. No more papers to write, no Board of Behavioral Sciences to worry about, nada. Just go to work, do my board stuff, DNE, and knit. Read anything I want! The daydreams are piling up over here.

The snag, of course, is once I am not in school the clock starts ticking on paying back student loans - a daunting prospect I tell you. I have borrowed more than double I made in my best year working full-time, which I grant you wasn't much but given my standards...well let's just say staying in school with readings and papers breathing down my neck is tied as a stress producer with the agony of facing loan repayment. Either way I figure the stress monsters keeping me awake, producing vicious dreams and keeping my belly in knots 24/7 are here to stay. In a way I would be happy to make better friends with these monsters if they kept me away from food because than at least I'd be skinny. Looking like a strung out mess with circles under my eyes the size of sewer covers, but skinny! Yeah that's the ticket. NOT!

Alright, back to craigslist with my bad self!

Gosh it's sunny out!

Reading the comment that my buddy Bitter Betty wrote on the last entry was the final prod I needed to post again to update for y'all. (BTW you should visit Miss Betty - she's freaking funny!)

First, thank you to those who wrote.

Two, if I were truly self aware (for the two people in this world who think I am) I would have just kept my frigging mouth shut the other night.

Three, even in the midst of all that (which did continue quite a bit the next day thank you so much brain!) I was aware of some of the causes of the grand descending of my mood.
3a. biochemical (guess what appeared today!)
3b. my new semester started yesterday
3c. cellular memory - it's two years since I ended my longest relationship
3d. my loan check has not appeared which adds to my financial stress
3e. my mother is coming to visit which is great but still stressful (you should see the list of projects I want done before she appears in, oh, less than 3 weeks)
There is probably more but I think you get the idea.

And really it has been exceptionally beautiful out. And warm. I mean really really warm!

In other news, you may have read on TGF's very dusty blog about some of the difficulties we have been having with Wyatt. This "issue" of his has resulted on him being on leash a lot while at the dog parks we frequent. Yesterday the "Easy Walk Harness" (for the dog! not that kind of harness - that's another post all together!) arrived, so I walked him to the BART station to met TGF after phase frigging FOUR for this damn potential job (but I digress). It was so easy I almost cried. TGF didn't even think I had him with me when she caught sight of me, thought I was holding a bag or something. Today I tested at the Albany bulb - again great, fabulous. Truly some of the best money EVER spent. Highly recommended. Of course I would still like to know what else we could do to bring back our happy, social pup. Any suggestions happily taken into consideration. He is fine with people, it's other dogs, aside from BFF Piccolo, that are the problem. Actually he is the problem - he has gotten aggressive and cranky with 90% of other dogs including ones he formally played with. It really has been quite distressing not to mention creating a lot more work rather than play for us humans. We are considering a muzzle so that we can be a little more relaxed and also to return to Point Isabel on occasion.

Okay, I'm off to start the blizzard of cleaning or school work that awaits.