Work is Hell

It's been a long week. Work has been absolutely awful, as in coming home in tears on Monday. I feel so completely crumbled, torn down by that place; there are small moments of competency, or even a fraction of a second of flow, but mostly I just try to get through each day without breaking down, without walking out in a blaze of curses, without a broken soul. There are bargains made within myself about how long I will, how I will negotiate if ever actually offered the job.

Sometimes I feel like I am living someone else's life and I am not sure how I got here. Who is that person getting up and putting on make up everyday, who is that woman with the closest to chic and hip haircut I have ever seen in the mirror, who is that person picking up clothes the night before. There is no way I know that person who has to remember to take out the nose piercing all the freaking time for work. I cannot figure out where my time goes, aside from work and sleep. How did I once do other things beside work when I last had a full time job? Seriously? I did a lot of things it seems, plus often had a second job for periods of time. Okay, the other full time jobs where not as stressful every damned day which certainly helps to not feel souless at the end of the day, which in turn gives one energy to do other things.

The other day I realized that part of the problem with this place is that there is no intrinsic pay off, just a paycheck. I am not the person that can live like that long term. I do not feel like I am doing bits of good, or supporting associations that actually really make a difference in the world (okay, getting rid of termites is a good thing but not the kind of difference I am talking about). It occurs to me that I need to fill out that application for CASA that I received right after Thanksgiving. Now that is the kind of change, difference I can get behind. Which means it is, of course, a volunteer thing. However if I did something like CASA again maybe a job like this one, but not necessarily this one, bearable.

Right now I need to head upstairs, pick out an outfit so I can go to bed in order to get up in the morning where I will need to run to an office supply store to find pretty invitations that can run on a laser printer for an event that is in less than 3 weeks because that damn association is nuts because if they weren't I could have had the invitations I spent three hours drafting mailed out already. Yes the same association that emailed me at 4:26 Friday December 19th asking "where are we on sending out holiday cards". No they had never said a word about sending holiday cards before that email. Tomorrow I will tell my supervisor that I am taking Friday off so I can have another 3 day work week in a desparate attempt to stay working for them. Tomorrow I will come home and do something fun, or interesting, or in some way satisfying having nothing to do with work.

In which our heroine is, well trying to be a heroine

Yesterday work just about crushed me with the weight of the unknown, the largess that is it's disorganization, the impending week of stress. It is trying thing for me to feel incompetent and yet that is mostly how I feel at this job. Sure I have moments of smooth running but they are not many and the feeling does not last long.

Up notes

• Delighted with the pianist I found for the President's Party in January
• May have gotten invited to a cocktail event at the Banker's Club on Saturday
• My Boys (TM) help get me through the day

Down notes

• Following last year's model for a task as I was told granted me a ton of grief (a repeating motif)
• Trying to find a simple file took at least 10 minutes because of someone's inane idea of appropriate way to store things on a computer (a repeating motif)
• Tomorrow I need to be Cincinnati by 7:00 a.m. until about 5:00 p.m. where upon I need to come back to the office to load up my vehicle so I can prep for the breakfast meeting on Thursday which means I need to be a the hotel (local thank the goddesses without husbands) for 6:00 a.m. The breakfast is immediately followed by a committee meeting, then I go back to the office until 5:00 p.m. If I was not a temporary employee I would get no overtime or comp time at this place.
• I have no background in Pagemaker or InDesign yet I need to produce a "wow" invitation to be printed this week for a January 17th event - an event I have no information on except date and place right now.

There's a ton more but it paints a picture doesn't it? One of My Boys (TM) JP said I looked beaten down yesterday. I wish I was better at hiding my feelings about this job but I'm not, at least not in front of my coworkers. Each day I take many deep breaths, I literally shake off things that get throw at me, gripe and make jokes with My Boys (TM) but I have not found my Zen about this place. Each day I challenge myself with goals about staying, which range from another hour, all the way through six months. Mostly I feel a huge sense of accomplishment when I wake up in the morning knowing I will go back there. If only I could keep that sense of fullness for more than 5 minutes at a time. I suppose I should embrace the 5 minutes and focus on those moments. Actually I do because if I didn't reflect on them several times a day, I would have walked out already. Maybe I'm greedy thinking that work should be more satisfying but most of my other work has been or I've walked. Maybe my memory is fuzzy but I don't remember a place being such a nightmare from day one and every day like this one is but I suspect because I haven't experienced it at this level before in my work life. I have had sucky jobs but I expected them to suck (the Deb Shop in the Hampshire Mall comes to mind where I lasted 3 months working part time).

So I try to come up with schemes that would make it liveable to stay here. Mostly they include working less than 40 hours and dropping an association or two. If I could do that I would be able to lose the feeling of doing a really bang up job followed immediately by the sense of impending doom by all that is overdue somewhere else. It would be nice if I felt confident that I could make that proposal and it would be accepted. Instead I will focusing on getting prepped for the next two days, doing what I can before I leave, then I will focus on getting through until Friday. No promises about next week, sorry.

Levels of assumption

Way back when I heard that one of the ways class gets demonstrated is how one finds a telephone number. It was posited that a lower soci-economic class person would use the phone book (remember those?) and an upper class person would call the operator.

Today was my first experience with the entrepreneurial association and I am their event manager. The event was held at a country club, a venue I'm not sure I have ever been to, ever. I have since learned it is a rather exclusive one at that. It was so clear that the people from this association have money, make major money. It was a joint event with another sibling organization whose guidelines I am not familiar with but for ours I know the members need to be owners, CEO, or a major share holder in a business that grosses at least one million and are under 50 years old. These folks read like that too. So did their spouses, who with one exception, were fashionably thin; who were with one exception perfectly stylish. With one exception the members appeared to all be white; with one exception one spouse appeared to all be white.

The other group had some stickers for spousal name tags since they had left the other format at their office about 2 hours away. At one point a spouse (yes all the spouses were women, and 98% of the members that came to this event were male) folded up a sticker tag that wasn't needed and without even looking for a trash container she handed it to me without even looking at me. It was so clear that as far as she was concerned I was merely staff and would of course handle cleaning up after her. It would have never occurred to me to act like that, to assume someone else would take care of my trash.

In the car returning from the event, my co-worker and I were chatting. Being me, I couldn't help stating out loud how white the event was though I did couch it to suggest that perhaps it was related to the area -southern Ohio and northern Kentucky. He chuckled and said something like "You're not used to that, are you?". No, no I'm not. I noted that wasn't shocked. He said perhaps I a bit surprised. I was but only because I like to be optimist and just because it made sense that this group would be all white did not mean that I had to expect it.

Which leads me to think, would I expect the behavior from a black woman that I received at this event? Probably not but then again I did not expect it from a white woman. It's not that I was surprised exactly but shocked at stereotype being played out.

It's been a very long day what with being on the job from 8am -9:30pm. My bed is softly calling me now. 'Night.

Putting One Foot In Front of the Other

Tomorrow is Monday. It is also the first of December meaning the end of NaBloPoMo, NaKniSweMo and NaKnitMo. In addition it means I made it through my first month (well almost given the four days off I just had) of work. Just the adjustment to work and its associated stress levels, that alone would have been, and has been, a lot. With this post I have completed my third NaBloPoMo "event" and I am rather proud of that. This one has been a rather emotional, self involved one but I think some inroads have been made.

As to the other two National Months, not quite as much was done but again given the above I'm pretty satisfied. I finished Owen's sweater, Miche's shawl is about 85% done, I actually did a little work on the sweater for Her Geekyness that I started last November for NaKniSweMo, and I cast on the matching sweater for Henry, Owen's little brother.

If I have picked up any new readers (I hardly ever check my stats),thanks for coming by and I hope you stick around. For my long time readers, I know I navel gazed a lot so I thank you for your indulgence.

Remember tomorrow is World AIDS Day. Take a moment to honor those who have died, those who are living with AIDS, consider making a donation or volunteering. Never assume that you don't know someone with AIDS.

An Eye on the Present, and the Future

A few days ago I received a direct message on Twitter from an online friend of about three years asking me to email her about life coaching. In essence she was offering me a session. I plead poverty. She responded by expressing a belief in "paying it forward". With tears in my eyes I accepted the offer. We have never spoken on the phone, never met in person. This afternoon was our phone call.

She was able to coalesce a whole lot of angst and stress very well and with a lot of empathy. The upshot is that ultimately I will pursue a degree and license to become a therapist. But what I need to do right now is face life a day a time; to stop trying to prepare for every contingency, hedging bets, etc.

Everyday before opening the day to my office I will shake off negativity, go there with a smile, do my work in the best way possible. My first goal is to get through the next month or so in order to actually get the job. After that just focus on getting through until June before talking to them about any summer time off for my other job. If I can't get the time I will have at least been financially solvent (relatively) during this time which is an area of big stress so that if negotiations fall apart I will be in a better place and at a point where I start getting paid by DNE. She also pointed out that after six months I might have made connections for a job elsewhere as a planner that would better fit my long term goals, but even if not, all the above will still be true as well.

In addition to that I had been thinking about ways to make this work and fit in other things that are important to me. Once upon a time I worked full time and managed to cook, garden, and who knows what else (hey it was a long time ago!). How can I do that now? That's another piece that I have been contemplating. Of course part of it involves getting up earlier which is a bit of a challenge; I want to do some stretching, pilates or something in the morning before work. The other place that is going to take some work is planning meals better. Okay at all. It has all fell to Her Geekyness. (No she hasn't found another job yet, so if y'all have any leads, let me know!) Which is reasonably fair given how stressful and exhausting this job has been, is not a state I want to keep and once she starts working won't be possible.

Aside from all this practical stuff, it was so wonderful to talk to Melissa live. Sometimes when I actually talk to someone I have known online their voice doesn't fit my imagination and it takes a bit to realign perceptions with reality. There was none of that dissonance talking her. She just sounded like Melissa. It is sweet to have bonds confirmed when you take them deeper.

Time to make a life calendar so I can stay in shape, meditate, eat well, and be a happier me. (M - let me know if I missed anything or misremembered something 'kay?)

A good one liner

At my knit night Andi asked me about the job I applied for, which I had twittered about earlier in the day. I replied that it was at UD. There was a chorus of what job, what department.

"Administrative Secretary for the Center of Catholic Studies"

Snickers, raised eyebrows followed, as did this comment: "Well that would kinda be an oxymoron wouldn't it."

Sometimes these things are just so right on

When I remember, on Sundays, I read Rob Brezny's horoscope in the paper. His "predictions" are on target in unique ways, and they are never the typical one liners. Have you read him? Since discovering him while living in Northampton and reading The Valley Advocate (sometimes referred to as The Barely Adequate") which runs his column, I am a fan.

Sometimes his horoscopes are more like an enigma, they require actual thought before you can shake your head in violent agreement or shrug it off as meaningless drivel. Actually I have often done neither because it can take the unfolding of the week before I can begin to make head's or tales of his writings as it might pertain to me.

This week however it was clear as day how it applied to me, how much it summed up my conundrum.

"Dear Rob: In the past I've thought of balance as the ability to move between extremes without falling down. I pride myself on being a Weeble-Wobbler, the toy that always swings back up when you try to tip it over. But lately I'm wondering if I should expand my concept of what we Libras do. I have fantasies of experimenting with a balance that more closely resembles walking on a railroad track. I could dip a foot here and there, first this side then that, just for fun, and still remain on the track. Maybe in time I could even dance on the rail. Your thoughts? - Libra in Expansion Mode." Dear Expander: The coming weeks would be a great time, astrologically speaking, to try the experiment you described.

I have more than fantasies of changing the way balance manifests in my life, particularly regarding work. Going from nothing to full-time, stressful, banging your head against the wall work is more like riding the pendulum than practicing a balancing act. Being in school and unable to write, to not being in school and still not writing, again not an even keel. Tiny periods of being flush with cash, the rest of time rummaging in the change jar for cat food - I detest that!

For many years I have prided myself on my ability to ride the wave, and inevitable crash; I do think it takes talent, grace, and perhaps a touch of stupidity. Perhaps it's age, perhaps it's the crashing of the economy, perhaps I'm tired of being tossed about by the tides. I still yearn for flexibility, I crave a reasonably consistent income without long dry seasons matched with the briefest periods of lush cash; my problem is how to meet what appear to be mutually exclusive goals. I feel like I am a jill of all trades, mistress of none (hush GWF!). That's not quite true but close enough to the truth to make me feel like I have thrown away too many years doing whatever rather than whatever I choose. This is not the best fiscal climate to build a niche self employment business, though I suppose that is merely an excuse. Sigh.

Okay enough navel gazing without a solution, I think I will knit or play Zuma. But before I sign off, seriously check out his horoscopes!

In which our heroine had shopping success

Thanks be to Andi I had the best time shopping at Village Discount Outlet today. She introduced me to this place last year and I have never failed to score excellent deals. There are two thrift stores in near each other (I think I got the name right) but I've only been to the one on Linden. I seriously {heart} this place. For under $24 USD I scored:

• a deep cranberry/purple (hard to describe) long, lined rain/trench coat by Fleet Street for $4.00. A quick search on the web tells me that even though it's a few years old I scored big time!
• a pair of The Limited black pants that are great for work, more casual than I've been wearing but dressier then the bulk of my closet for $1.25.
• another pair of pants by Clio, which seems like it might be a defunct company but fit great
• a little black sweater with mock turtleneck, because one can never have too man black tops
• a fabulous electric green lightweight sweater with 3/4 sleeves
• a more casual green top that will work for the job
• a reddish purplish cotton top with a little lacing at the neckline, more for fun than work
• two dress tops that are great for work
• a cute long cardigan in autumn red, brown, and burnt orange colors that closing with a simple thin leather like tie just below the bustline
• a skirt with great embroidery that Her Geekyness doesn't like and doesn't quite fit me, it's the only loser in the bunch.

I am so happy that everything but the skirt fit - the store doesn't have a fitting room. Tomorrow I will wear an outfit that cost me $5.00!!! Woohoo.

Thankful Thursday

I have some friends who do this TT thing and I have thought that it could be a good exercise. In these times of job stress it might be a good thing {tm}, you know?

The List

1 - Grateful for having a job that pays more than $8/hr.
2 - Thanks to said job I have decided to ditch the moniker of "TGF" (The Girl Friend) for my partner. It was a simplistic nickname when I started this blog which came from a joke long forgotten. I have never loved it and without thinking last week at work I referred to her as "Her Geekyness". I just asked her if it was okay with her if I changed her label on the blog and since she proud declares herself a geek, all is well.
3 - Thankful for Her Geekyness's support about the said job, which includes okaying me quitting once she is ensconced in a job, should I still want to leave.
4 - The snuggling of cats.
5 - My knit groups without which I would have any remaining bits of my sanity.
6 - My internet buds like Jbeeky, Mush, Mollena (not work safe!), Sarah, Melissa, Denise, and Rabbitch, just name a few.

Dazed and Confused

I have never seen the movie so I don't know whether my state relates at all to the plot, however it describes me pretty well right now. My work day started at 6:30am at a local Hol*day Inn for a monthly breakfast meeting for one of my associations. Apparently when I start doing these on my own (should I stay at this job) JP recommends me getting there at 6:00am to have enough time to do the set up on my own. Great. No getting off early today though I was told that perhaps I could leave early on Friday. Do I want overtime pay or time off? Hard to know which is better.

Which is the crux of the matter. Right now the money is much needed. In truth that won't change anytime soon. I have decided to keep job hunting and in theory devote some time to other more flexible (read self-employed) options. However this place would provide health insurance which none of the other options, as they exist, would provide. It's nice to actually have things to do even if they require knowledge I don't have, impossible deadlines, four associations all clamoring for attention, and a company that needs a structural organizer (think they'd hire me as a consultant instead?).

I am totally being treated as if my hire is a done deal, which is flattering, to be sure. Today the Associate Executive on two of my associations told JP when he showed up this morning (they were tag teaming) that the group wouldn't even miss him, that I was a quick study, I could practically do this myself next month, etc. It was all really nice because in truth I am not confident at all that I am grasping this stuff. I remain unconvinced that I am rocking this job.

If I take the job, how do I keep my commitment to DNE? If I have to be around a lackluster (predominately) bunch of office mates, and mostly conservative people in my associations (the remodeling industry and pest control for cripes sakes!) I am going to need a dose of my "tribe" something awful by August. I would gladly take the time off without pay, my other salary would far make up for it. It could work as long as I could get regular vacation with pay from this place because I will need time off from them that do not include my usual working vacation. Who knows what they will say once I finally find a stud for my nose piercing which is feeling awful empty with the ring missing. And I will definitely need more clothes if I stay here. It seems quite clear the overtime is part of the job but no overtime pay or comp time. That is not okay, not at all in my book. Well maybe if I would be making 40K or more but I would not be, not even close. It is not clear whether I would be able to ever leave early. I doubt it because no one has given me any indication that this place is not crazy with screwy deadlines, last minute changes and additions to programs, et. al. One office mate who seems rather like a Negative Nelly every time I talk to her said today that this place is "toxic"; she also told me she's been there for 4.5 years, 2 years longer than she planned. Hm.

What I do know is I don't want to be like Negative Nelly. I don't want to suddenly find that it's two years later and I'm miserable but getting a paycheck. What I also know is that I don't want to keep struggling to pay the ultities and groceries. Rock. Me. Hard place.

This isn't exactly how I envisioned this post, I seem to think there was something a bit more poetic roaming in my head, but since I slept like crap, woke way earlier than I'm used too and worked my butt off, this is what y'all are stuck with for this post. Sorry.

First this, no no *this* first

See that title? That is the easiest way to sum up my job. Truly.

Today should have been about calculating the judges' scores to determine the winners for the, er, well I can't really say, um, the remodeling whatsits awards. The winners need to be contacted, thank yous need to go to the judges (along with gift certificates for Star*ucks - which TGF would like me snag one for us, if only). Get the entries back to contestants. And probably eight other things connected to this one piece.

Today should have and was about getting ready for tomorrow's Breakfast Meeting, which it had to be.

Today also needed to be all about the pest control group as a blast email had to go out - which I almost sort of get how to do. It was became clear that though our next event is a month away the legislators and field's regulators have not been invited yet and a specific invite needs to be designed, at least I think that's what I need to do for that piece. In addition I became aware, only today, that we are honoring two people from the field. Our company president decided today that the honorees need individualized invites and past presidents need special invites - all of which need to be designed tomorrow! Did I mention that I will begin my work day at about 6:30a.m. and won't be in the office until about 10:30?

Also another member of one of the associations was notified by me early today that there was a scheduling conflict for his event, which is not a huge deal since we have no rsvps for it, but now he wants to tweak the title and description and do it on the 19th! The 19th?? But I said to him, kinda sorta lying through my teeth, that course I would work on this tomorrow. Um s-u-r-e I will. Well maybe. Who knows.

Wednesday I can go to a dinner meeting if I want but I don't have to, however it's a free dinner. Hm, but I think it's in Cincinnati. Nah, forget it. Friday morning I have a committee meeting.

It's going to be a long week.

Books, we got books!

TGF, Jeriann, and I went to the Planned Parenthood book sale just up the road at the Montgomery Country Fairgrounds (fair warning the site bites rock). There are literally hundreds of thousands of books really, really cheap. Mostly they are sorted by categories and kept in them but once in awhile one could find "He's Just Not That into You" in multiple sections like: Women and Psychology. Psychology? Oh please. Well it's all done by volunteers.

Last year I went with Andi on the last day when it's $5 for a bag of book - a deep bargain. Today we paid the actual prices and between the two of us we spent $32 for three bags of books, still not a bad deal. I replaced my disintegrated copy of the Vegetarian Epicure more for nostalgic value than anything else. Because I cannot pass up southern based cookbooks often I snagged Special Recipes from the Charleston Cake Lady. In looking for links, I just noted that she died back in January, sad. The coolest find in this subject area was Esquire's Handbook for Hosts, published in 1949! I found this posting which includes great PDFs from this incredible kitchy book (Hi Squeezeknits!)

I purchased Family Keleidoscope by Salvador Minuchin with the notion that one day I will finish my degree and do family therapy work. In my studies I read lots about the man's contributions to the field but nothing by him. It seems like it might be quite readable unlike some of the pioneers in the field.

Once I learned we we going to this event I decided to scan the computer section to see if I could pick up anything that might be useful in my new job. The plan in my head had been to go to the library but since this was actually happening and getting to the library might not happen I figured it was worth looking around. For a buck I picked up MS Office 2000, yeah I know we are using 2007 but I figured it would at least give me a brush up on the basics; for the hell of it and another .60 cents I scored The Complete Idiot's Guide to Creating an HTML 4 Web Page, complete with cd-rom I mean I have a domain name and nothing on it plus I figure it could be a help in the job, or the next one.

I continue to dream, hope, and plan to write more so to that end I snagged The Right to Write by Julia Cameron (I had no idea she was married To Martin Scorsese!) and Writing for Your Life: A Guide and Companion to the Inner Worlds by Deena Metzger, whom I find inspiring in general though I have read little of her work. During the summer after a conversation with Sunny and starting a different book, I decided to ditch Woman's Book of Creativity because it just dragged which seems an antithesis to the subject, you know? The book which I started that I loved The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp who I almost worship. Almost only because I do not to worship people. It is hard to think that I would love to hang out with Twyla based on my reading because she comes across as demanding and a bit of a control freak. She also comes across as amazingly honest which is rather endearing. Here is what I wrote over on Goodreads when I started this book:

OMG I am in love! My other creativity book (Ealy) has been dragging - it has good tidbits but it's a fairly dull read about creativity. But this? It reached out and shook me from page 1. It's library borrow but I think I might have to own this one to reread it from time to time.

I have loved Twyla Tharp forever. In reading this book so far I can see she is incredibly anal, perhaps even would be classified as OCD via the DSM-IV but she is brilliant and honest in this book, asking really deep questions and opening up herself as an example. In reading the first 40 pages or so I spent the next day regurgitating tons of stuff - I was that enthralled. It's a joy to read.

Consider this a recommendation without even finishing the damn book. I can only hope that the two books I just picked up begin to touch me the way Twyla's did. Now of course I need to borrow that book and begin it again. Maybe in December as November is pretty full what with my knitting goals, NaBloPomo, and work. All in all I am pleased with all I bought today for less than $12.00.

Refocusing

Last night while talking to my best friend, he reflected back to how negative I was being about this job, that I was talking like I was destined to work there for a long time. The reality is as much as I feel like I'm drowning in all I don't know, I already have a sense of things I did not know last week. The truth is it likely that I will be able to take these skills and be able to apply them in a setting that is more congruent to my identity.

One of the giveaways that this is not the place for me is that on Wednesday, the day after an incredible, historical election only one person (the one who I bonded with the most) mentioned it. Okay it was more like a "high-five" with smiles than an actual conversation. Seriously nothing else was said that I heard at all. How weird is that? Not even a mention of the local issues that were on the ballot.

The other piece about doing this job that is wearing me down (okay there's more than one more piece, but I digress) is that on some level it feels like a failure, it feels like I have given up on me. It may be hard to explain, or hard to understand but going to work in a place that is so not like me, with no diversity to speak of, working within the confines of the typical office structure is like saying "My way doesn't and can't work". It feels like a type of death to me. Yes, I can hear you saying I'm being dramatic but that's kind of how I feel. I am struggling to find an analogy and my brain is so fried I cannot come up with one. But something akin to figuring out that avoiding the sidewalk cracks does not really protect your mother's back, that the world is not as magical as you thought.

Yes, I know it's not forever, that once TGF is situated I have her blessing to leave (of course assuming I don't get dismissed before that time). However the idea of both of us bringing the kind of money we are looking at (did I mention she is likely starting training for a new job before the month is out?) is so compelling because the strain of being so broke for the last 3 years has worn my normal optimism down so far that it feels like I have no reserves left.

Interestingly both TGF and BFF brought up school yesterday. TGF wanted to know how I was going to be able to go back to school while doing this job. BFF nudged me about it as he reaffirmed that he thinks that I'd make a great therapist, that that sounded like the right fit since I first mentioned it. Of course I need to apply to schools to see if I can even get in to one of the two places locally that I think might be a match. Could I do this job and do graduate school, even part time? It would be hard, near impossible I imagine. However I suppose I could do it but come time for an internship and I'd have to quit this place, no doubt.

The plus side to this job is shoes! I have worn three different pairs this week, shoes I hardly ever wear because they are heels and I usually don't dress in a manner that makes sense to wear them. Love love love this part of the job. I want more shoes! This is making think about fun everyday clothes that I can match with my fun shoes on a more regular basis, you know, for when I don't have a real job again.

This little kitty went shopping

Thanks to the gods that be, money appeared in our account so TGF was able to buy cat food and other necessities. We also decided to go clothes shopping just a bit for me as my wardrobe is a bit, um, shall we say, sparse for the new job.

Mostly I went looking for pants as I really could use a pair or three more. Normally I have found K*hls has awesome deals but last night, not so much. Once again I was bewildered and felt a bit like Goldilocks while in the dressing room. Dockers, size 12 - I was swimming in them. Seriously! A pair of Briggs petite size 12, not bad but very eh. Daisy Fuentes petite size 12 just a bit too tight and a damn shame because I was really digging that dark wash jean that was dressy enough for a normal work day. They looked so good with the dark purple top I was wearing and the green jacket I found at the store.

In the end I bought some new underwear because I really need it, 3 pairs of trouser socks (50% off) - really need these as I have washed out the single pair I have at night because I wore them Monday - Wednesday, a pair of really cushioned slippers for TGF's sore feet, the aforementioned lime green jacket that's really cool ($14.40 - on sale), and a Simple Vera Vera dress for some imagined fancy event in the future,possibly a work thing (on SUPER sale, 90% off costing me $8.80).

I think the thrift shop is calling my name this weekend because today? I wore clothes for TGF's closet. It's only day four people!

First day in an office and a real job thing

Tuesday I received a call from Work Place Group (the infamous temp agency) about a job that I interviewed for back in April. To say that I was ambivalent might be a bit of an understatement. For better or worse even though it was a temp to hire assignment they decided not to try me out due to my job commitments to NCDC in June, and DNE in August. But it's six months later, we are broke, and there are lots of hungry furry mouths to feed. Also soon after I came home from the interview TGF came home unexpectedly - she had been fired. The company is clearly trying to lower the bottom line as three people in three different stores had been dismissed. To further see that saw, she had seen the writing on the wall she had applied to several jobs last weekend and received a call to schedule an interview, which happens tomorrow.

Wednesday they called to tell me the interview would be on Thursday morning with the CEO (!!!). Also I was told there were three candidates. Okay. A bit after noon I spoke with Work Place Group to let them know the interview went fine and found out the last interview was at 2:00p.m. At 4:15 my phone rang with the job offer, and a start date of today.

The company is an Association Management company with about sixteen associations. My job is working as the event planner for four of these associations. Two of the firms are local remodeling associations, one is involved in pest management and the most exciting one is an entrepreneurial group that JP (who I'm taking over from, he's been promoted) can be a bit like herding cats.

I get there this morning bright and early (which hurts so bad) and find that I am already on the updated phone/office map list and on the chart of the associations and their team players. What?!? It's feeling like I'm hired, not a temp who might be offered the job. There was a deadline today for an award whosit which meant folks from the remodeling firms where stopping by with their portfolios and JP was introducing not as a temp but as the person who would be taking over the reins. On one hand it was kind of cool, like they had faith or at least hope that this arrangement would work out. On the other, I was thinking, "hey I thought we were just dating!".

There is a ton to learn (acronyms galore!), relearn (Access), and programs I know next to nothing to not a damn thing about (Outlook, PowerPoint, InDesign). In a way it felt oddly familar and almost comfortable, like using muscle you forgot about and finding it worked pretty well. Most of the actual events sound boring, different from the other event/conference work I've done which is different. I'm used to being excited by the majority of my work and not sure whether I can get excited by events I do like organizing things well.

Right now I have a horrible headache, probably caused by trying to look over JP's shoulders while he navigated things, using a CRT screen rather than a flat screen, end of a cold, and being up too early. I'm tired, trying to remember anything I learned today, and totally confused about the concept of having a job. So how was your day?

In which our heroine contempletes an alternate reality

My temp gig this week has been cushy, really cushy - as in my reception desk has granite counter. It has been incredibly slow in terms of actual work - as in I have picked up the phone maybe ten times in any given day. there is a fully stocked kitchen - as in oatmeal, yogurt, sodas, trail mix, canned soup and even some fresh fruit.

Everyone has been very nice. I realize that the woman I'm covering for has tasks that I am not trained to do but it seems like a really nice gig - as in makes me think of getting a job like this one. A steady paycheck, paid vacation, and insurance, feeling kinda tempting right now. Until I think of really being here every day at 8am until 5pm. That just doesn't feel like a healthy way to live. Granted it would be a short commute to this investment management firm (I know!) but it would mean being out of the house 9.5 hours a day. Everyday. That's when I think back to my plan to find more conference planning gigs, build my doula business, and go back to grad school. More appealing but less secure. But less commitment, have I mentioned I have a commitment issue? Truly it's the main reason I don't have a tattoo - though that may change by the end of summer.

TGF pointed out two contradictory things - 1. I did work full time when at Smith College School for Social Work (for 2.5 years and 2.5 years before that at another job); and 2. once one gets out of the habit of that 40-hour a week thing it can be really hard to go back. Well it's been going on nearly a dozen years since I worked day in, day out. So yeah, it would be hard. And yeah, if I had to I would but I would probably wind up bouncing around from job to job, because like I said I have commitment issues.

Oh, I'm getting taken out to lunch tomorrow by two of the staff. Can you believe it? I mean I'm just a one week temp! It's crazy. It's great. So M.S., anytime you want to take a vacation, just let me know. Really, anytime.

What's in a name?

In my work for "the man" I have been privy to a lot of unusual names,sometimes it's just the spelling that is a little different.  But clearly some are interesting references to totally other things.
For one thing it can be a way to tell folks how your little came to be here.  Chianti  Chardonnay  Vodka  Tequila  I don't know about you but I would have some problem with Vodka. The rest, well, at least have a flow about the pronunciation  that at least makes them interesting.  Also the traditional spellings were used so that makes things a bit easier on the kid.  In the stacks of applications were also names that most of us associate with places, things, or well just not names:
 LaQuinta - I could swear this is a motel chain.  If names help determine your future, well let's not even contemplate this poor child's potential destiny.  Clinique - hm, except for the fact that this name was given to a girl I would think someone was raising a potential drag queen.  Touche - complete with the accent.  Think about how most of use this french word in conversation.  Very weird to go around calling your child the equivalent of "good point!".
British - I get London, Asia, India, Cheyenne, and others.  But British???   Not surprisingly I saw: Eunique (I figure the parent thought adding the "e" give it that unusual edge), Princess, and Precious.

However "MyQueen" just tripped me out.  Can you imagine the parent saying:  "No MyQueen, Yes MyQueen"?  Doesn't that set up one hell of a twisted power balance!  My friend Andrea would be surprised at how many other spellings there are for her name:
Aundrea
Andrey'a
Andria  The other piece that is interesting in the naming I saw was the abundance of vowels, or sometimes missing vowels, and apostrophe's. Do you think that Sh'ron and Sha'ron are pronounced differently? Seriously I pondered this one and I realize I have a hard time hearing certain subtle differences in speech but I really think these would sound the same said by most folks.  Then there are the ones that almost sound like another word: Creola - crayola
Ta'Jeana - tagine
Jiaria - giardia

The siblings sets of names could be truly daunting.
Terrence is the brother of Terraca
Christine is the sister to Christian
Johnnie (m) is the brother to Johnnae (f)
D'Angela is the sister to Angelo D.
Trevon is Jevion's brother
Jay'Veon is brother to Jay'Quon
DaMiyah & DaMahnii

Twins:
Amauki (f) & Amaurion (m)
Mykiana(f)  & Mykala (f)

Mom Lennette liked the doubling up of letters so much that she named one of her children Leannettay

I realize that I sucked at pronouncing words and names, so much so one would think English was my second or third language but there were some that totally stumped me.
Quovozio  Kozon   Nyiarrha
Elijhnane  Tylexcen Dazjha

Sibling sets:
Shawn (m), Shantil (f), Shanell (f), Shaniece (f) & Za'niya (f)
Emprise (f), Se'Marion (m), & Ricae (f)
Ta't'Yannah (f), Tai'Shawn (m) and Tae'Jon (m)

This is just a taste of the names I scribbled down while plugging away at data entry where my rate went from 70 applications to 120 a day. There are more but I suspect y'all would get bored.

On a more serious note even a quick reading of these applications was depressing - all these single young women with children, their lives in a total standstill by parenthood.  Many of these women had their first child at 16, the youngest I processed was 13 but 14 and 15 were not unusual to see either.  One woman was 21 and already had a 7, 4, 2, and 1 year old.  My heart broke when I saw files like this, my body ached with idea of the burden.  Many of these women have had between 2-5 men fathers for their children and are not receiving child support (well at least they didn't report it).  There were many who were only receiving child support for some of their children, rarely all.

This gig also brought out the latent sociologist in me.  Hourly I formed questions about the naming traditions in the African-American community that I was seeing over and over.  What traditions are they borrowing from?  The use of "Jr" and "III" is still quite common and interesting considering the father's apparent non-involvement.  Some of the spellings seem phonetic but are non-standardized.  There's a system for this sort of thing that I cannot find a reference for - you know that one that spells "fish" something like "ghosh"  (I am sure about using "gh" for "f"). The doubling up of vowels, dropping of vowels, odd consonants, use of apostrophes - mind boggling I tell you.

An easy goodbye

The other night I decided that today should be my last day at Stars R Us. There haven't been all that many leads lately, probably because it's summer so there have been a number of shorter days, certainly no extra time. So today as my lead pile was dwindling, I walked over to Iris's office space which she shares with Nancy, the office manager. They are both really nice women. I summarized the whys of my leaving, which as I ran things down sounded so reasonable I was shocked.

The DNE new database is so freaking buggy that I find myself sending emails to Charlie, the database guru every time I do data entry. This year's flyer is gorgeous and for that I honour the designer, however she also decided to hack the hell out of my registration form. Any time I have look at the damned thing I feel the fury of a thousand angry bees. So there's that.

I am finishing up the last newsletter for BirthWays that I will be overseeing. It went to the printers today. There is still updating I need to do with the address excel file, and a board meeting Wednesday.

In just over 5 weeks I need to head to the east coast to do my DNE job. Between now and then I need to keep working on registration duties and pack about 70% of my house, sell or otherwise get rid of books, clothes, and other sundries. Probably hold a tag sale in early August. Plan and host a house cooling party less than a week after I return from the east.

And an unexpected wrench was thrown into things today when I was shimmying into a parking place at work when apparently the ball bearings on the Purple Beast went. The front passenger tire is now all catty wampus and it's not drivable. Tomorrow morning I will be calling AAA to get it towed to the repair place. You don't want to know the estimate amount and I can't tell you because I'm putting my head in the sand about the whole dang thing. But I digress.

Iris and Nancy were very sweet and seemed sorry to see me go. Aerin (yes that's really the spelling, I am making an exception here) gave me a big hug which was lovely. Dee was less than pleased because she was losing her "fastest data entry" person. Maggie, my only buddy like person there, gave me a really nice hug. I would like to try to stay in touch with her for a little bit, maybe invite her to the party.

That's one brief and easy chapter that is now closed. Seventy ga-jillion more to go.

Eastward, Ho!

One of my loyal and adored readers, JBeeky, asked for an update so here is what we have so far. Not much.

There is still no date from The Communications Company (ha!), so we have no idea when we should plot our move.

How we are moving is still up in the air. Latest idea is that we rent a U-Haul that gorgeous, strong men and women load for us. At least the heavy furniture. Trailer The Purple Beast on that. Scrounge up more funds to purchase a trailer thingy that the other car will tow for the cats and that we could sleep in some of the nights while we travel.

In the meantime we are each sorting through belongings. The piles include freecycle, craigslist, recycle, trash, paperback swap, Crossroad/Buffalo Exchange. and a bunch of "what do we do with it?"

Recently I had a terrible thought for which I of course found solution. The first time I transversed the country to move to California from Massachuetts, September 11th happened. The date of my departure was planned for quite sometime. I left the morning of September 10th, with many friends stopping by as I shoved the last of my belongings and my drugged cat into my truck. It was a very sad morning. I landed in Buffalo, NY that evening to stay with Darci, Rich and their baby Sophie. In the morning Darci shut off the television so we could have our last in person chat. My cell phone, which was brand new, rang but I knew it was my partner C (now my ex) and blew it off. When I got in to my car there were two messages, I turned on the radio and began to check messages.

Stunned is a good way to quickly sum up my feelings. It was incredibly surreal. When I heard the Tower had fallen all I could say into the phone was that it wasn't possible. I had watched them finish the North Tower as a kid living in Brooklyn, the tops of those buildings were in my sight daily. That evening I landed in Elkhart Indiana and finally saw the images. It was a very eerie trip across country.

In November of 2004 I flew to Ohio to help TGF move out here. She voted and we drove The Purple Beast loaded with her essentials and her cat Gracie. Bush was reelected. 'Nuff said. Hard to say which was worse for the nation. The idea of moving across country again began started to feeling tainted, doomed if you will.

However I realized something! This time I was heading east, turning back the tide, righting the world's axis even. When this thought occurred to me I breathed a huge sigh of relief. The pressure of my movements effecting the country, nigh, the world was quite the burden.

So that's the quick update. Essentially we are moving forward despite our finances, hire dates, moving details being in a holding pattern.

In which our heroine finds herself in a state of shock

Yes, yes, I know I haven't been writing. I thought about it a number of times but I have been, well, distracted and actual news of the state of the republic, as it were, has been lacking.

Until now.

Just a bit ago TGF (she really deserves a better moniker, doesn't she?) spoke with her Boy Wonder who said, oh yes you're hired we just need to find a store to put you in. The store in Springboro (aka White & Dykeless town) still isn't ready yet. Apparently all the permits are in but the contractor has to put the finishing touches on it. So actual start date and possibly location of a job are a little shaky. Somehow I felt even more freaked out by knowing that this is a sure thing rather than panicking about not knowing.

There are a few thousand things to do to make this work. One of the biggest things to work out is figuring out the funding for this move. Unfortunately TGF's mother seems to go back and forth about support, financial and otherwise. This is not a new thing, their relationship is complex and layered. Yeah I know, what parent/child dyad isn't, right? However we will both be near to her family now so this could become a more consistent issue in our home. Not surprisingly I am recommending that TGF be more open and honest with her mom. Equally unsurprisingly she is somewhat resistant to this method. I have confidence that things for the move will work out through some means or another. Maybe I should put a PayP*l button on my blog - yeah that would raise enough for a few stamps.

We are very fortunate that some friends have offered to help with packing even though they are not happy we are going. It will be hard to leave our family of choice here, though we will all keep in touch as much as possible. Mostly I try not to think about leaving Jennie, Ruthie, Sue, Sarah, Pam, Ruth, Doreen, Kerrie, Mike, Terri, Candice, Priscilla, Heather, and lots more. Okay I need to stop now because I'll start bawling if I think about this part any longer.

Soon we will have a date for our house cooling. At least I hope so. Y'all are invited!