Last night while talking to my best friend, he reflected back to how negative I was being about this job, that I was talking like I was destined to work there for a long time. The reality is as much as I feel like I'm drowning in all I don't know, I already have a sense of things I did not know last week. The truth is it likely that I will be able to take these skills and be able to apply them in a setting that is more congruent to my identity.
One of the giveaways that this is not the place for me is that on Wednesday, the day after an incredible, historical election only one person (the one who I bonded with the most) mentioned it. Okay it was more like a "high-five" with smiles than an actual conversation. Seriously nothing else was said that I heard at all. How weird is that? Not even a mention of the local issues that were on the ballot.
The other piece about doing this job that is wearing me down (okay there's more than one more piece, but I digress) is that on some level it feels like a failure, it feels like I have given up on me. It may be hard to explain, or hard to understand but going to work in a place that is so not like me, with no diversity to speak of, working within the confines of the typical office structure is like saying "My way doesn't and can't work". It feels like a type of death to me. Yes, I can hear you saying I'm being dramatic but that's kind of how I feel. I am struggling to find an analogy and my brain is so fried I cannot come up with one. But something akin to figuring out that avoiding the sidewalk cracks does not really protect your mother's back, that the world is not as magical as you thought.
Yes, I know it's not forever, that once TGF is situated I have her blessing to leave (of course assuming I don't get dismissed before that time). However the idea of both of us bringing the kind of money we are looking at (did I mention she is likely starting training for a new job before the month is out?) is so compelling because the strain of being so broke for the last 3 years has worn my normal optimism down so far that it feels like I have no reserves left.
Interestingly both TGF and BFF brought up school yesterday. TGF wanted to know how I was going to be able to go back to school while doing this job. BFF nudged me about it as he reaffirmed that he thinks that I'd make a great therapist, that that sounded like the right fit since I first mentioned it. Of course I need to apply to schools to see if I can even get in to one of the two places locally that I think might be a match. Could I do this job and do graduate school, even part time? It would be hard, near impossible I imagine. However I suppose I could do it but come time for an internship and I'd have to quit this place, no doubt.
The plus side to this job is shoes! I have worn three different pairs this week, shoes I hardly ever wear because they are heels and I usually don't dress in a manner that makes sense to wear them. Love love love this part of the job. I want more shoes! This is making think about fun everyday clothes that I can match with my fun shoes on a more regular basis, you know, for when I don't have a real job again.