Dazed and Confused

I have never seen the movie so I don't know whether my state relates at all to the plot, however it describes me pretty well right now. My work day started at 6:30am at a local Hol*day Inn for a monthly breakfast meeting for one of my associations. Apparently when I start doing these on my own (should I stay at this job) JP recommends me getting there at 6:00am to have enough time to do the set up on my own. Great. No getting off early today though I was told that perhaps I could leave early on Friday. Do I want overtime pay or time off? Hard to know which is better.

Which is the crux of the matter. Right now the money is much needed. In truth that won't change anytime soon. I have decided to keep job hunting and in theory devote some time to other more flexible (read self-employed) options. However this place would provide health insurance which none of the other options, as they exist, would provide. It's nice to actually have things to do even if they require knowledge I don't have, impossible deadlines, four associations all clamoring for attention, and a company that needs a structural organizer (think they'd hire me as a consultant instead?).

I am totally being treated as if my hire is a done deal, which is flattering, to be sure. Today the Associate Executive on two of my associations told JP when he showed up this morning (they were tag teaming) that the group wouldn't even miss him, that I was a quick study, I could practically do this myself next month, etc. It was all really nice because in truth I am not confident at all that I am grasping this stuff. I remain unconvinced that I am rocking this job.

If I take the job, how do I keep my commitment to DNE? If I have to be around a lackluster (predominately) bunch of office mates, and mostly conservative people in my associations (the remodeling industry and pest control for cripes sakes!) I am going to need a dose of my "tribe" something awful by August. I would gladly take the time off without pay, my other salary would far make up for it. It could work as long as I could get regular vacation with pay from this place because I will need time off from them that do not include my usual working vacation. Who knows what they will say once I finally find a stud for my nose piercing which is feeling awful empty with the ring missing. And I will definitely need more clothes if I stay here. It seems quite clear the overtime is part of the job but no overtime pay or comp time. That is not okay, not at all in my book. Well maybe if I would be making 40K or more but I would not be, not even close. It is not clear whether I would be able to ever leave early. I doubt it because no one has given me any indication that this place is not crazy with screwy deadlines, last minute changes and additions to programs, et. al. One office mate who seems rather like a Negative Nelly every time I talk to her said today that this place is "toxic"; she also told me she's been there for 4.5 years, 2 years longer than she planned. Hm.

What I do know is I don't want to be like Negative Nelly. I don't want to suddenly find that it's two years later and I'm miserable but getting a paycheck. What I also know is that I don't want to keep struggling to pay the ultities and groceries. Rock. Me. Hard place.

This isn't exactly how I envisioned this post, I seem to think there was something a bit more poetic roaming in my head, but since I slept like crap, woke way earlier than I'm used too and worked my butt off, this is what y'all are stuck with for this post. Sorry.