Saturday, May 31, 2008

Feel a bit sorry for myself and a bit lost

So I have been on this email list/community since 1996 or 1997. I took a break at some point for probably less than a year and rejoined in November 1999. Met a lot of folks from there, it saved my life when I first moved to California and it's how I met TGF. There have been many ups and downs over the years, however I am mostly not feeling connected to it for about a year now. It's been feeling a bit like I'm on the sidelines, jumping up and down, saying things like "Look over here! ", "I'm here too". Not pleasant.

The latest was that I wrote, about two weeks ago, on there that I was going to California and wanted to see folks. Not one of my friends/acquaintances from out there wrote me. Not.One. Two folks who have joined the list since I left the west coast have written me. Seriously. Yesterday I wrote the local smaller list, asking for a possible ride from the airport, jokingly asking if someone had a car they weren't using, and wrote "again I would love to see as many of you as I can". Nada. The silence has been deafening. I have tentative plans to stay with my good friend Jennie, which makes me SO happy but damn. You know? It's not like this is the first time I've written or had contact with most of these folks. I've only been gone about nine months by the time I fly out there but it feels so far away right now.

Seriously I think it may be time to leave but I have developed such connections with these folks. I've met probably about 30 people from this list that has hovered between 110-200 people in the last few years. That's a large percentage. Some I've never met but spoken to on the phone, or just because of the on and off list conversations consider them friends, worry about them, cheer them on, all that stuff. It's had to imagine my life before November 1999 (my first go round I was pretty silent on list and didn't really get to know folks). But I am feeling more than ever it might be time to say goodbye and it hurts like hell. However right now the bad/hurt place is louder than the fun/connected place.

The idea of leaving makes me feel really lonely. It makes me wonder if the bonds and friendships were all in my head, one-sided. All that good stuff. While I am building relationships, and starting what could be some fabulous friendships here in Ohio, the idea of being without this resource, this lifeline is scary and SO lonely. And it makes me question if I'm really the good person I think I am, or wonder if I have fucked up somehow and no one will tell me, or leads me to thoughts of "they were just putting up with me". Good times here this morning I tell you.

On top of all that I am deep in NCDC registration land, heading to camp on June 13th and it's all new there. It's not like going to DNE which is a lot like going home to welcoming arms. So I'm having anxiety about that, finding a ride down to camp and back again, where I'll stay in the Bay Area after camp, contemplating being away from TGF for two weeks where I will probably have limited contact because there isn't cell phone access at camp and they only have dial up.

Yep it's good times here in Dayton this morning. What the hell else can I feel anxious about?!? A zillion things but I don't want to drive away my three readers so I'll stop now. Maybe I'm just PMSing which makes all this feel bigger and more horrible than it really is. Yeah, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!


Barbara said...

It's hard for me to get out of the place in my head where I believe that people just put up with me because they are too polite to tell me to go away.

It's also hard for me not to take it personally when I don't get a response that I expected.

I don't have any words of comfort for you in this context - just wanted to say that I understand the feelings.

I hope that your trip is great - that you hook up with old friends or meet new ones.

Katrina said...

Don't leave, please! I'm sorry that happened to you, and I have felt that way too, but you *are* valued on the list!

emilynye said...

The idea of leaving makes me feel really lonely. It makes me wonder if the bonds and friendships were all in my head, one-sided... And it makes me question if I'm really the good person I think I am, or wonder if I have fucked up somehow and no one will tell me, or leads me to thoughts of "they were just putting up with me".

yup, that's how I feel most of the time... I hope you know that WE will miss you like crazy while you are gone! I wish I had something more profound to tell you, but I am afraid I don't.

louisiana swamp rat said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, and I truly don't understand what is going on with your Cali friends - unless they are still hurt/angry that you left in the first place. But, I for one don't want you to leave the are one of my bright stars. I think I get how you feel, I've been feeling very disconnected from the list for about a year myself, and I can't put my finger on what exactly is making me feel that way.

I hope you do see some of your friends when you are out there, maybe you just need to arrange something yourself rather than waiting on them...just a thought.

Chris said...

I know it's hard to stay connected to people when you're so far away - but don't feel discouraged - you have lots of friends here! and I'm sure the folks there still care about you. you aren't alone. And like Emily said, we'll certainly miss you while you're gone. Heck, the person I'd consider my best friend is only in Columbus and I'm lucky to get together with her once a year. I feel the same way you do when we try to see each other and it doesn't work out for one reason or another - I worry that she thinks I don't care, or worry that she doesn't care anymore. Life just gets in the way sometimes, so don't assume they aren't responding because they don't want to see you!

heather said...

maybe ppls are just busy? i certainly take my time responding, sometimes. just a thought. but, i know, it still sucks to wait on folks. here's hoping more of them get back to you.

Peg said...

I can empathize with your feelings about your list. I was on a small (about 12 women) closed list for almost ten years. Then someone who was allowed by the listmistress to join (without consent of the other members) stopped lurking all of a sudden and started with really disrespectful remarks and even, in my case, name-calling. I waited for the list-mistress to reel her in and lay down some ground rules (which none of the rest of us ever needed). It didn't happen. It felt dysfunctional to me, and I left the list but it was hard. BUT I have one great friend from that list and we are still in email contact almost daily. So that's what I came away with, and that's not a small thing. That's why I joined the knitting list, just looking for a congenial group of people. Good luck with your decision, whatever you do.

Anonymous said...

You know I feell the same way about the list. As far as you coming - I just figured you didn't mean meeting up with me after you referred to me as "an acquaintance" in your blog. /dl