In which our heroine discovers her minions are missing

So yesterday I hauled work back with me that is still in the car. There's coat in there from, um a week ago? A wrap from sometime this week. My travel mug which hasn't had coffee in it for at least two weeks. Oh, damn let's be honest probably more like three. A coffee cup from that place I'm ashamed to say I go to from time to time - it's been there a week as of today. Old mail, I think. Parking tickets that need paying. Lots of other flotsam and jetsam of living half out of my car at least 3 days a week.

Then today I went to Sunny's. And now the car is really full. As in seeing out the back window a bit of an obstacle course. What was added was:

• a beautiful pasta serving bowl
• two sets of flannel sets (yeah!)
• a laptop cooler pad thingy
• an air purifier
• a portable dvd player, complete with car charge, two pouches, and various cords to plug it into the wall, a computer, or tv.
• my little bookcase, which I think will go upstairs next the couch
• all the yarn that was in said bookcase: 10 balls of some purple wool, 10 balls of some black wool, 3 skeins of vintage 3ply yarn which could make a nice throw, two skiens of some Lambswool in cool colors, a small cone of beautiful peacock colored lace weight yarn, and probably a couple of others.
• a necklace that I thought was lost but I found it but it needs repair. It make me totally happy to find it, I was just mourning it's loss the other day

On the way home I stopped at the grocery store for a few items that I needed (i.e. ice cream and cookies to get me through a weekend of cramming on school work). Once home it was cold out, a fire needed to be started, the cat at the main house needed to be fed, and it 's kitchen tidied. Let's just I'm lucky the things that needed to be in freezer got of the car. Tomorrow, unless the forest trolls have done their job, and given their performance of late - the odds are against this, I will be spending time unpacking the car, stacking wood, vacuuming, and doing laundry. All this and school work too. Perhaps the fairies will at least have made the coffee.

Life is all around

Today, upon exiting my cabin, I scared the last fledgling that had just left the nest next to my door. The little critter was on the grass just past the porch and was startled into a hopping, not quite flying motion before settling back on the grass a few feet away. (You can see a small black box if you look up for the string of the sky chair, which is the speaker, perched atop that is the nest.)

Last summer the nest was empty, th

is year every time I left my home, or crossed onto the porch, the mama bird swooped out of the nest, flying to a nearby tree. A few weeks ago the high pitched squawking announced that hatching had occurred. I believe there were 2-3 of the little beings.

This

last one grew visibly in the last week, becoming less gawky looking as time progressed. He, or she would cling to the nest and flap it's wings

wildly in the last few days, but still afraid, or not strong enough to unclench it's claws from the twiggy mess.

Later today, I discovered Dora, the cat of the main house has gone and killed me a mouse - a fat one at that. Still later, I startled a fawn just on the other side of the fencing that protects the gardens. So much nature here, I love it.

All this development reminds me of all the gro

wing I've done in the last two years, and especially the last year since taking residence here at the cabin (the blessed abode for which I am grateful for every.single.day). Though I haven't written a great deal in the last several months, so much continues to shift inside, and out. This week is my last at my Crime Victims Assistance Program job - I am terribly sad about leaving. There is SO much more for me to learn and I really like it there. It has been amazing to discover I can like a job, especially one that is close to my chosen field. Later this month I will find out about my internship placement - which has me excited and a bit nervous. A month after that school starts. A whole new journey, one long in coming. I feel ready for school this time around in a fashion that I didn't have before - determination is a word that floats around my head a good deal when thinking about this program.

Life just keeps moving forward.

Rumblings in the brain

For many years, maybe three-fourths of my life, I have experienced these feelings of impending doom - something I should be doing, something I haven't done, something I did wrong will come tumbling forward and I will be a puddle of despair of entirely my own making. These feelings come over me at random times, often in bed when falling asleep, sometimes when out having a good time and a quiet moment crosses which allows that spidery web of distress envelop my gut and shake it, hard.

Last night I had it again. Greg and I had just gone to hear Jay Wiseman give a presentation on Immobilizing Bondage which largely was god awful. We were tearing it apart, having fun in our more polymorphous view of the world and thus more correct view versus his limited heterosexist and sexist style. A moment of satisfied silence was suddenly overtaken be this sense that I shouldn't be having fun, that my life should have more form, that I should be a good little societal mole and finally act like the grown up I imagined from time to time when I was young.

Many years ago when I first was on anti-depressants the impending doom sensation disappeared and the idea that I was not in fact being presentient was incredibly liberating. When I was not on my happy pills it was useful thing to remember that it was simply my brain misfiring and only appearing cruel or psychic. It is not surprising that I am having waves of this now giving I am not following any particular model, watching my donated pennies until I can form my own cash flow. Largely I am on my own schedule, I am not responsible in a day to day way for anyone for the first time in years and years. It feels so liberating. I am going simply by my rhythm and working not to judge myself for it. Tomorrow night I will see a number of my family for the first time in five years. What will I tell them? Am I afraid of their judgement? Could I view it instead that I am being brave, that they would find what I am doing scary and somewhere deep inside they could be in awe of me? I'm not sure. In truth their reaction will probably be a mix of worry that my life has no form and a little wistful that they are not, maybe have never, been in this place.

This morning Greg and I talked some more about the gut shaking I get. He offered that maybe I could try to find a way to turn it into something constructive, creative, or other wise work this sensation into a positive. From there we talked a bit about what my plans are, where my focus is in terms of the next short and intermediate steps in my path. Encouraging noises were made on his part, and I, in turn, realized I had some shape, solid ideas about where and how I wanted to go but that I was also keeping some things open ended since there are many unknowns that are only somewhat in my control. I will continue to take my life in my hands, chart my own waters, and know that I have many good friends to visit with, help guide me, and generally love me well through thes travels.