Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The rolling hills of my mind

It's been a hard few weeks, very hard. The truth is our heroine has been struggling mightily. It has been hard to maintain my moods which swing from despair to reasonably fine with alarming frequency. It is hard to know if it's situational, perimenopausal hormonal hell, or my meds have decided to stop working.

Time might tell if it's the medications, though how I will determine that is hard to know right now. Ditto regarding hormonal hell (though lately the night sweats have totally disappeared). Situational, sigh. It seems that the deep crazies started right before the anniversary of my leaving Dayton which was last March. The week before that date I went to Yuma to visit with Abby, something that was years overdue. As the fates would have it things were a bit unsettled with her life there, but it was really fine, that is what family is for, to be there and let go of expectations. We managed to have a lot of fun and spent tons of time talking about everything - so wonderful.

The day after I came back was the actual anniversary and had been wanting to so something to mark it. Serendipitously, during a meandering conversation with Sunny, I realized what I wanted to do. In December of 2008 I had started a pair of Fuzzyfeet as a gift for the now ex-partner; they were finished except for the felting. Initially I had thought I would felt them and send them to her. However for a variety of reasons I changed my mind. I had thought about finishing them and gifting them to someone else entirely but that never seemed right either. In a moment during the conversation with Sunny I realized that I would unravel them and reknit them into something for me. I began the hunt for potential patterns soon after coming to this decision and am pretty certain the yarn will be repurposed for this. I have not yet cast on but I did unravel my stitches and rewind the yarn. As I pulled out the stitches, I thought about letting go, about untangling myself from my ex's energy, about making a commitment to my creativity, to not give away my craft without thought, to honoring my time and focus.

I have continued, albeit sporadically, to write for an internet content mill - my largest success wa
s writing five articles in a week, none needing edits and two were a higher word count (and hence pay). I was thrilled. My morning pages have continued and I am close to finishing my second journal; but I have not blogged. Nor I have I kept up on the reading of the book or workbook exercises; I tell myself I can do them anytime and they will still serve me well.

Things with BC have bounced around a great deal and it shakes me to my core when I think things are
not going well, worst of all, it might be all (or mostly) in my head. My struggles are had to define and I find it impossible to trust my gut. Mostly I think, Gut? What gut? All that's here is a crowded room of fear. It's stupid, it doesn't help things because I wind up walking on eggshells that I have put there myself. How ridiculous is that? It must be annoying the hell out of her. Everything that is said or done, I read into endless as if they are shape-shifting tea leaves. Crazy making I can tell you.

I have gotten back a bit of my knitting mojo which makes me happy and gives me comfort.

About two weeks I walked my first 5K at the Cleveland Zoo. Given that I had not been training at all (hm, a connection with my mental state?) I was thrilled with my outcome which was 55min30secs. Just a hair under 18min/mile, with hills! It gave me some measure of confidence regarding my upcoming trip to Utah.

Greg, Janet, me and three others will be embarking on a very well planned (by Greg) inspiring, and challenging (perhaps only for me) two week hiking trip to bring awareness to SUWA (Southern Utah Wildness Alliance) who's mission is the "preservation of the outstanding wilderness at the heart of the Colorado Plateau...". We are hoping to explore the Canyonlands (staying at Camp Death Horse Point), the Escalante River, Devil's Garden Wilderness and Dry Fork Coyote Gulch.

Great names, no? I expect to have my claustrophobia challenged by slithering into slot canyons, and cannot wait to view hoodoos.

There is a chance we may produce an artist's book using their paintings (and perhaps some of my writing or photography - if I'm very lucky). Either way this will be a great project as part of their Art & Adventures identity. I have been very fortunate to work with them on the business end of their art careers for about the last year (often working as a virtual assistant) and I am excited to be a small part of their latest jaunt of combining art and the great outdoors.

The last two nights I have had remarkable dreams, they are providing me with answers, confidence, and some clarity. They have very much been about working through the residual layers of my last relationship, about making room for myself to be me, to think outside of the box in terms of how I live my life. In one I was in a therapy session talking about my relationship fears and I gave myself a great answer to some of what I have been experiencing. One of the gifts my last relationship was having someone tell me constantly that I have walls, that I keep people out. It is true and a good deal of the work I've been during this year has been renovating those walls by creating doors and windows. What this means is that I am letting people (specifically BC) in more, which leaves me vulnerable in a way that I have not been. This has been the case in so many ways, doing things that challenge my fears - the time alone in New Paltz, my relationship with BC, the 5K, Utah, roller coasters. Being more open hurts, leaves us open to being hurt. I have lived my life being very guarded, I am breaking away from that and it's hard. Last night's dream I was a house, not literally, but the house in the dream represented me. I was giving myself permission to stay here, in me,
I consciously readied things of my ex's to be packed up and moved out, while I choose to keep things that were BC's, I decided
to move into the largest bedroom, to have roommates (let people in).

I am hopeful, even while I am feeling challenged and shaky tonight, that these dreams represent movement, growth away from the cycle of crazy I have been feeling for the last month. In a few days I head to Utah for another adventure that I am certain will offer more insight and growth, along with physical exhaustion. Did I mention I have never hiked with a pack before, or hell hike? See y'all after Utah in early May.


Lisa said...

What a beautiful post! Letting your feelings flow out like that shows your growth. The fears are real and as you see them and face them you will defeat them. Grow my friend, it heals the soul and lets us live!

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