Friday, July 24, 2009

Another Journey

Just got on the bus to leave the Jersey Shore and am immediately feeling sad, or something akin to sad. Melancholy might be better description. Wish I knew why. I suppose it could be one less adventure to look forward to and a sign that the summer is closing in on me. However that is not really a bad thing is it? I suppose there will be less traveling here and there, bouncing from one site to another come fall. Perhaps the downside to that is it means I need to figure out my next steps more fully, be less carefree. This is not really bad, right? Somebody tell me it’s not.

Perhaps it’s an artifact of having just been talking about my ex, her geekyness, which often brings up sadness at something that has completely been dismantled, and the hurt I feel over it. There is a lot of self examination that needs to still happen there as I would like to learn from this and not repeat things.

My friend Deb, who I was just visiting, queried me about what I have to learn from this experience. We talked about our patterns about the partners we choose. There is something about her geekyness which is similar to my father was my short answer. “Ah so you were working through that”, was her response. I reflected about my last three relationships and thought about how in some ways I had gone through all three of my parents’ various traits – good and bad, in them. Maybe I’m done? Maybe I’m ready for something different? Something a bit healthier? That would be nice. Really nice in fact. Not that everything was bad in the last three. That is certainly not the case. Okay M was and still is really crazy, but I learned a lot about myself and I did have some good fun. C was wonderful in so many ways, it’s a shame that it couldn’t last. Her geekyness, well, there was some awesomeness there and I did learn a lot through this experience. I just wish some of it didn’t have to be so damn painful. Right now I am really relishing not living with anyone, not being in constant negotiation around decisions, travel plans, and money.

There is still much work for me to do on myself and I suppose the good thing about settling down a bit more is that I can find a therapist to dig a little deeper, maybe work on changing the tapes in my head some more. Maybe find a yoga class to work on another level of peace within. And a gym, or dance classes. I suppose finding more work will be first on the list in order to pay for all this good self improvement stuff, huh? Yeah, a job. Anyone know of anything? Seriously I have a lot skills, so email me if you know of anything in NYC or something that can be done telecommuting especially. Thanks!

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