Thursday, January 05, 2006

Bitterness walks with sweet (african proverb)

Sunny can leave me laughing and crying sometimes, like today.

Her email today:
I'm not sure if this is a disgusting or a sentimental idea. Your call. Would you like me to send you some of my hair to put in locket, your journal, whatever?

This is also my gentle way of telling you that all of my longest hair has fallen out. With a sort of limp buzzcut, I look like a waif dyke or something. ;-)

Love and kisses,

Every time I think I have successfully avoided my feelings about this, every time I have clarified that this isn't a big deal, that things aren't really happening, reality has the unmitigated gall to slap me down. The wind completely leaves my sails, as it were. Every freaking time. Yesterday was her second chemo treatment. I am finding it hard not to be living closer to her right now, ya know? It sucks, even when yesterday was so incredibly beautiful and Wyatt's best friend, Piccolo, was at the dog park after being gone due to an ear infection, I just want to be able to drive to see her when I whenever I want.

Guess maybe the plans for her scarf will have to wait, and I'll start a hat for her sooner than later. It's cold in Croton on Hudson NY these days. I wish I was a faster knitter.

A friend has offered to contribute a scarf. (I should state this is someone I have never met face to face, only know her online, so she certainly hasn't met Sunny.) So sweet.

So hard. I want to do everything for Sunny and I can't. I never really could but I had a good delusion going for a very long time. Today as I was taking chicken off the bone (for our homemade cat food) I flashed on Like Water for Chocolate's notion of the cook's emotions being transfered to the food and affecting the partakers of the dish. I was wondering if I could stretch that even further - by putting love into the chicken and rice I prepare for my cats, also thinking of my mother at the same time, could I send some of that love across the continent and into the food she is actually consuming? Honestly I don't see why not, if I am conscious about it. (See how the name Dharma fits me?) If I use this an an additional motivator, I may get some serious cooking done around here, which would benefit all of us.

Time to cook the rice.

1 comment:

Ancrene Wiseass said...

I'm so sorry. It sure does suck, not being able to help or even to be there, doesn't it?