Thursday, January 05, 2006

The Proof is in the Padding

For those not well acquainted with me, let me tell you a secret - I am no Kate Moss, even pregnant, Kate has nothing on these hips. I am round, have soft spots, places jiggle. My bosum has been referred to as "ample" by a good friend after meeting me in person (granted this friend has maybe an A-cup, so there may be something to that perspective thing).

Magazines that say they have found the best top/skirt/bathing suit, what have you for "your figure problem spot" have neglected to take note that many of us have more than one. On top of being zaftig, I am short. Yes, that's right, I'm short - 5 foot and a hair. It is true that people are shocked to find that out, even people I know in real life think I'm tall. I guess I give off a tall aura. So while a skirt style might be great if one is short, it is not so great if one is short waisted (raising hand -"what's a torso?"), small waisted (yep), large of hips (see above). Have you noticed that "petite" clothing is designed for those women 5'4" and shorter. Let me tell you they are designed mostly for women who are still taller than me, and rarely can one find petite plus sized clothing. Especially if one doesn't want to wear polka dots, small print florals, navy or other hideously unhip clothing.

Yes I, according to these lovely fashionistas, have many problem areas to disguise with clothing. And I am not alone, I argue. So do I pick the skirt for full hips, or the one for us height challenged women, or the one for plus size dames which ignores my height issue. Such a dilemma, I tell you. What do I do, you wonder. Well, for one thing, I rarely wear skirts so that cuts that dilemma right out of the picture. Another thing is I rarely shop in the stores that the magazines are shilling for, preferring for many reasons (okay damn it I'm cheap) thrift stores, discount places (like Ross) and the DNE camp store once a year.

My conclusion is most of these magazines suck. For further evidence that there is a conspiracy going on I draw your attention to this site which clearly depicts all that the magazine do to make us feel inferior, Sisyphus-like in our struggle to work toward an ideal that doesn't exist. It is a world wide campaign to gaslight women into ignoring the greater ills of society, asking them instead to spiral inward. Yes, I know I confessed recently to having great hordes of magazines that I don't subscribe, ones that just arrive at my mailbox. One would think I would toss them out into the recylcing rather than leaf through any of them. One would be wrong. I dream over the jewelry, the shoes - oh the shoes! Yeah, I know. Of all the sinister things of the patriarchy, I drool over high heels, impractical mica-thin soled images of glamour.

However, every so often there is a gem of an article. Okay not in Glam*ur. Certainly not in Eb*ny - good lord! Redbook, sigh, tries for something but simplies misses every time. But Jane is irreverant, fun, and a bit outside the regular culture. And surprise of surprises, Elle in most issues carries at least one article of real import - who would have guessed! Color me shocked. Not enough to subscribe, or to miss it's delivery when it stops magically appearing, but it brings a small smile to my face which almost cancels out the sting in my eyes and the ache in my lungs from the perfume samples the rag is riddled with.

I am thinking of starting my first magazine subscribe in years however. Bust is something I could really get into on a regular basis. The website has me laughing, yelling, bobbing my head in agreement and threatens my funds when I visit their online store. Along with lurking on blogs (don't even ask how many I have bookmarked) their forum pages require regular visits.

Oh, yes the title indicated proof. Yesterday morning this is how I woke up. Lying almost completely on my belly (unusual as I am committed side-lying sleeper) there was Elliot between me and the edge of the bed and between my legs was Wyatt, resting his head on my ample butt. Did I mention that Wyatt loves resting his head on a pillow whenever possible - well it seems clear that my butt is as soft and cushiony as a pillow.

1 comment:

Ancrene Wiseass said...

Bust is great! I think you'd probably really like Bitch, too.