The inner circle of hell*

On Tuesday I went to have my first session with my new client. I posted about my session with my new client in the case presentation section of my class but that was a strict dispassionate telling of the events. The truth is I left that session with tears running down my face as I walked from the grounds of the middle school to my car.

I spent almost 2.5 hours being cursed at, told to leave, had things thrown in my direction or at me, being struck lightly but with considerable emotion by my client's hands and feet. I have almost never been cursed at even when fighting with partners. Ever. I was called a “stupid bitch”, “ugly whore”, I was cursed with “I hope you get into a car accident and die”. As I drove home I thought “well damn I probably have my 250 needed for graduation. I don’t need this. I didn’t sign up for this kind of treatment by a client I had only met once, briefly a week ago. I would find another placement, later. I will still be at school for two semesters so who cares”.

In reality I can’t bring myself to just quit as much as I desperately wanted to, and still want to in a way. It wouldn’t be fair to me to give up that fast, it wouldn’t be fair to have my client be abandoned right off the bat because that what she is probably expecting, she is testing. Right?

The thing that I am struggling with is the fierceness of my reactions, the deep wounding, and the inability to depersonalize from the almost constant attacks. It was really was almost continuous. If she wasn’t cursing out someone else it was me which averaged out to about every 5-10 minutes, and being told in varying degrees of profanity to leave about every 10 minutes. It just hurt so bad to be treated that way. I knew it wasn’t really about me, it was about her rage, her abandonment, her whatever but none of that mattered because I felt absolutely wrecked by it. And yet I was ready to go back today because I knew I owed it to me at least as much as her to give it a few more tries.

When I called the school in the morning I found that she did not come in today, just as she told us yesterday. Was I relieved that she ditched school? Yes and no. I wanted the second session to be over and done, whether some rapport or at least words other than curses might be exchanged or total hell again. Am I happy that the guardian never returned my call today? Again yes and no. The more she refuses to work with the program the clearer it will be that the case won’t go any where and I can exit quietly. If she does actually participate I can mark it off as successful and if I need I can leave at a point that makes sense, hopefully for all of us.

Honestly I have no idea where this case will go, or how long I will hang in with it.

* When I write "inner circle of hell" I am really not sure whether I am referring to my entering her hell or mine.