Friday, February 29, 2008

3 Steps Forward, 4 Steps Back

That's how it feels this morning. Seriously I have been meaning to post about knitting (with photos!), cooking successes (which means like Mikey, she liked them), and who knows what else but instead y'all get this. Oh, I know photos of "the wallpaper expedition in the kitchen".

The good news is that TGF is getting the job title and more salary starting March 8th! This is the position we moved her for and expected her to start October 1st. Of course she didn't even start training for her job until about 3 weeks after that date and has been working less than full time ever since. With this piece of information we were feeling a piece better (that news came through last Friday - I never said I was capable of breaking news postings!).

As I indicated in another post "American Video" did not hire me, which is probably just as well as I would be bored out of my mind but on the other hand there would be some moola coming in which is very much needed. Monday I had an interview at (using the real name here for a change) Jenny Cr*aig. Yeah, yeah I know. Many people scoffed and laughed at the notion. Y'all can get a bigger laugh by knowing I came home from the interview to sit down on my couch with a half gallon carton of ice cream. Yes I did, you can bet the ranch on that. By Tuesday I figured I didn't get it. Today I got an email confirming that. Maybe I should have taken out my nose ring for the interview.

Next month I have an interview for a call center job that wouldn't begin training me until April 22nd. Lovely. I hear it's a great place to work but I need cash now, not in two months from now, maybe, if they hire me.

This week I have probably spent 20 hours online looking for jobs and applying to as many as possible. Yesterday I registered with a temp agency and applied for two jobs through them.

In the meantime the bills are stacking up. Then more steps backwards. Wednesday night when leaving work a mishap caused TGF to lose a contact lens. Now granted these lenses were barely working for her as her script has majorly changed in the last few years but it's costing a whole lot of money from thin air to replace them. And they won't be here for 7-10 days! She is pretty blind right now using really old glasses to see with, poor thing.

Then, this morning I saunter downstairs to find a grumpy looking sweetheart. Now for those who know her it could just be that she has only had one cup of java as she is so NOT a morning person. But no, someone hit her car. It appears that they hit it and dragged it a few feet based on where she parked when she came home. No note, nada. The blinker is gone on the front driver's side and she is worried about driving it. Great, you know?

Okay my coffee is almost gone, time to job hunt. See y'all around the proverbial water cooler.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Make it stop!

Someone come over and turn off the damn tv or at least keep it on Spike! For some damn reason I have stopped on a marathon of Girlfriends where I caught the cycle of the break of two best friends (which of course being television gets resolved in church on this one).

I have watched this show on and off since it first aired though as an over 30 year old white lesbian, I am hardly the target audience. But they are women I have known and sometimes the writing is really good. Besides since Living Single went off the air where else can one see a show about black women.

The issue of friends and the relationships keep coming up, mostly in hard, hard ways. I am definitely looking at what I do that is good, bad, supportive, and where I lack. It's always easier to want others to do x, but the great challenge is to apply those ideals to yourself at least every time you want them done by someone else. I don't think of myself as terrible friend, not at all, but I know I could be better and I know I have messed up recently with one relationship very badly. Rather than beat myself up endlessly (which is my tendency) I am owned up to the mistakes with the person, not that it repairs anything but still it was the right thing to do. In addition I am trying to take all this in and use the experience in the most positive way.

If only I could get away from the Universe's messages for a short spell.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Television Mimics or Guides Me?

Yesterday was not a good day. Not at all. Not even a little.
(Yes I read a lot of Dr. Seuss why do you ask?)
A few days ago, last week maybe, I made mention of a terrible split with a friend. Well that dispute raised it's head again on Wednesday which was upsetting but believe it or not was made worse yesterday. Worse is not only means thoughts and words forming obsession thoughts but nausea, shaking, crying. It was not a pretty day.

In the midst of all of that Charmed was on in the background and it was the episode where the sisters are at risk of losing their powers for being too blatant, careless, and maybe taking them for granted a bit too much. I have always identified the most with Phoebe, (although I have a lot of Piper too what with the cooking thing/potion making/mama thing) and others have said that as well. The resolution in this episode is that she loses her active powers. At the same time I was recognizing that as much as I have learned and tried to not fall back on bad habits, I still had work to do.

So I guess this is my public acknowledgment that I am more human, much more fallible that I like to remember. The work on oneself is never done and I guess this was another knock on my walls to come down a bit, to learn that doors and windows are a good thing. It feels like I have been fed a lot of humble pie in the last few months. (For those wondering, nosy Jbeeky, my blogger BBF!, I did not get the job at American Video. I am choosing to believe they had equally bright but more under than over qualified candidates that would not bolt the first chance they got.) What this all also means is that I need to reach out to my friends instead of hoping that they just know what I need. That I need to put some ideals aside and move in a different direction. That I need to work on getting real sleep one of these years. That and a million other ways that I need to continue to strive toward a better version of me.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Sad Sex

So yesterday, as often on weekday afternoons, I was watching Charmed. Yes I confess, I am a huge fan and watch the episodes over and over. Every once in awhile I catch on, particularly from the early Pru years that I missed. I can't imagine that there are any I haven't seen but every once in a while... I digress.

It's the episode where Piper and Leo get trapped in that nether world, the way station between life and death. While there they sadly reflect on their relationship and the stresses. From there an intimate moment develops which creates the next offspring. As with other times, in other movies, and television shows grief in particular but often great sadness turns to great passion. I have never.ever.experienced this. Is something wrong with me? I suspect not. I suspect it's a bizarre plot to further confuse the emotional life of people in these united states.

I have had moments of great grief but never has a tearful moment led to tender sex. Perhaps it's because tender, gentle sex is not my mainstay. Of course sometimes the image is of passionate, wild sex but again, never in my life. I consider myself a pretty passionate person but never does a trip down the path of grief lead to lovemaking. Is it me? I swear half the time I see this sort of thing on television I wonder if it's real, or is it more of the prince charming syndrome? On soap operas (yes I watch those too) these people never seem to have to struggle to find a baby sitter for great nights out, no kid ever walks in as they're about to get down to business. I know, I know, this stuff is created as an escape but it's such an unrealistic image of real adult life and kids watch this stuff! Between soap operas starting at age 11 and reading Cosmo by age 14 I was seriously unprepared for the real world! I feel like I should be able to sue someone - you know like the line from Dennis Leary's stand up routine when he asks about suing James Taylor for turning him into a pussy and thus not getting laid during the 70's.

Seriously had I known then what I know now about images and sex, my god, would my life be different. Who knew Audra Barkley was wearing hairpieces and false eyelashes? And that Victoria Barkley was shot with vaseline on the lens and had already probably had a face lift in the 60's, and Heath was wearing a girdle? Watching it a repeat in afternoons I certainly had no idea. All I knew was as thick as my hair was, I could never make it look like Audra.

Lately on All My Children (hush now!) Kendall and her husband Zach have been having sex practically everyday. Now of course this probably to cover her guilt at having sad sex with an ex (Aiden). Kendall and Aiden were grieving the disappearance of their mates and in a fit of immense grief that they were actually dead, they had sex. See how it works? Again, another thing I don't do, have sex because I feel guilty about something I've done, not done, whatever.

Grief and guilt are just not aphrodisiacs for me.

Perhaps the solution is to stop watching television. Yeah, that'll happen. Not.

Ramblings on the radio

So while driving to and from Columbus yesterday to meet up with an online friend from New Jersey (she was driving her daughter around to do the college tour thing) I flip radio stations. A lot.

I must say Rush, yes that Rush, kind of cracks me up. It was never easy for me to find him on air in other places I lived, but here, pretty easy. Definitely that says something about the area, no? Anyhoo. Some quotes that stood out:

"If Hilary steals the nomination..." Exactly how would she steal it? Because let me tell you from his tone he seemed to think she could arrange it to win by paying people off, or something. Let's all ignore the fact that there it is looking more and more like Barack could be awarded the nomination.

"Hilary the domineering and abused wife of Bill..." It feels like those are two very different life states and seems like they are diametrically opposed and hence not possible to co-exist.

In a "dialogue" (I use that word loosely) with a caller, Rush asked this african american man if Barack won the presidency, could say that racism would be gone, something we didn't have to worry about. The caller said of course not, to which Rush asked "so why is it important to have a candidate that 'looks like' you?" He just so doesn't get it. However I will say just hearing this snippet made it sound as though Rush was only a misogynist and not a racist as well.

Then another program I flipped to had a woman speaking about, well it sounded like, keeping safe because of, I don't know but something specific. But noooooo. Super christian woman who wouldn't have a private conversation with a man, wouldn't drive in a car with a man that wasn't her husband or a family member. No "meetings" in a closed room without a third person. She bcc'ed emails to her husband to make sure she hadn't crossed a line. On and on it went. Really all I thought was, are you that afraid of your desires? Are you so unable to differentiate between thinking and doing something? Do you trust yourself so little and your correspondent that you potentially cross a line of confidentiality? It was spooky! Frightening, even.

What I learned is that I should never ever verve from my NPR stations.

Monday, February 11, 2008

It's been a whirl!

So last week I was feeling sorry for myself, and in many ways not much has changed with people in my other home lands, having no schedule, no scrilla, suffering with the greatly reduced sunlight of Ohio. However. In other ways, wow.

Emily decided that she needed to pick up the Amish Friendship batter sooner rather than later so she came by on Thursday after work. She is really fun to hang with and I swear there is a part of me that watches us and feels like our banter (because it really is banter that we do) is reminiscent of Lorelei and Sookie of the Gilmore Girls. How cool is that? Okay it's also probably terribly wrong and represents an inflated sense of our (particularly my) cleverness but it's fun nonetheless. I'm not saying who is who because it's not entirely clear and doesn't really matter because we have fun.

Friday plans held up and after filling out an application at "American Video*" for a clerking job (don't ask!) I headed to Yellow Springs. Dru ran late but I had fun rambling around looking at stores and chatting up one of the owners of Living Green, she was SO friendly. Dru and I chatted for a long time after our meal was done, it was nice catching up.

My dear sweet Jeriann called and we talked until my battery died on Saturday. It was a very wide ranging conversation and really nice to reconnect. In addition that day I scheduled an interview at "American Video", again, don't ask.

On Sunday I confirm that TGF is cool with me disappearing Sunday night to go down to the Insomniac Knitting Group that starts at 8-ish. At 5pm I leave for the interview and by the time I get home TGF has gone to the 'rents. After the lovely {ahem} time at American Video, I am SO grateful that Andi is coming by to whisk me off in her unheated chariot to some knitting.

The interview went great, really had fun chatting with Dan* and was told there are three steps to getting hired. I passed the first round because Dan really likes me. Next on Monday I take a two hour standardized test. Then if I pass I meet with the regional guy. For a frigging clerk job at a video store! Oh and get this, I will need to remove my nose ring when at work. ARHGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!
I mean I worked at Smith College School of Social work and didn't need to remove it. I left the interview furious, feeling like crying, thinking of my cousin saying to me many, many years ago "How the mighty have fallen". I couldn't think of anyone to call to bitch about this with and instead sat on the couch, watching bad television, eating potato chips and playing Zuma (so addictive!) on my computer.

As I said, thank, as Glamour Gal would say, The Goddesses without Husbands for Andi inviting me to join her last night. She got the full vent about the interview, patient woman. It was way too much fun. Aleza has apparently been reading my blog (hi honey!) and was just thinking about writing to invite me to join them. Michelle was just too much fun, it was great to see Anna again. Danielle was a blast! It was after midnight by the time Andi and I were back in the car.

Tonight after my North Dayton Knit Night I am driving down to Jer's place to help out with The Most Awesome Nephew Ever since she has to go out of town for work. So the next two mornings I will be making sure he gets on the bus for school. How cute is that?

*Neither store name or store employees are real to protect, um, me

Friday, February 08, 2008

I knew I was forgetting something

For at least a week or so I kept thinking that there was a birthday I was forgetting about. TGF was February 1st. Jennie was January 29. Aunt Suze February 5th. My grandmother's would have been, I think, 90 on Wednesday. There wasn't another one I could conjure up until the 13th.

Suddenly yesterday I see an email with the subject "Re: Where you can find us" - the title I gave a post I wrote to many people once we had established residence. It was from Elaine, a former client. Her lovely daughter turned one and her mama was touching base with me. This birth was a hard one, I wrote about it here (it's labeled graphic because for some it would be, not for me but others maybe).

This is just the sort of thing that makes me ache to go back to the work. It is so special to be present at a birth, clients touch you in a major if short lived way. Those last moments of a birth, those first moments a new life in the room, it's like breathing in god. Somewhere in the chaos of the year since that birth, my subconscious remembered and kept nudging me. Had Elaine not written, I would have never realized what I kept searching for, and I could only begin to tell her in my email back to her how much it meant to me to hear from her. To hear how happy she is with her life as a parent, how much her daughter fills her with joy. I miss witnessing the glimmers of that doing doula work. I don't miss being on call but I miss the work, the joy in those rare moments that are not replicated by anything else I have even done.

Happy Birthday Hattie.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

In which our herione finds redemption in whining the other day

So a few hours after posting my blog post, my friend Jeriann sends me an ecard. I write her demanding that she fess up to reading my blog. She says, Of course, how else do I know what's happening. BUT I was going to write you anyway, so there. Cool beans.

An acquaintance from California reads my post and emails me - how lovely!

Also get an email from my pal Dru who we finally visited up in Columbus (great visit) asking if I'm free for coffee on Friday. Hey I have no life, of course I could do this, just need to put gas in the car.

A neighbor writes me asking for my blog addy. I give it to her but tell her not to judge me by "today's post" (my lonely whine from the other day). She writes back later to say, "I am very glad you and TGF are here and making this your home". Man I love that woman. She welcomed us with open arms from day one.

Today I find out that I have won two more blog contests. I told TGF about it saying, If only I could turn this ability into cash!". So a shout out to Keanalee over at Meowfish Pie Knits and Melissa over at Misfit Knit (don't you love that name?).

Tonight my buddy Emily (from Dainty Kitty) emails that she is free to cook, knit, and generally pal about next Friday.

Earlier today I finally made the sweet bread from the funky batter called Amish Friendship Bread that Dru so kindly gift me with. This stuff is like a chain letter, you get the stuff, feed it, divide it, use some to bake with and the rest you give away or keep. But you are warned that if you give it all away you will never know when you might get it again (as if this is a bad thing - I read someone gained 5 pounds because of this stuff in 6 weeks!). On a list I'm on I threatened to send it my friend Supee because she thinks she lives too far away being in California and all. Another lister is begging me to send to her in Oregon - will do!

So while a lot of things are the same my mood is much improved.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Drowning in the Silence

My neighborhood is fabulous. I have my choice of knitting meet ups almost seven days a week. This Saturday I went to another SPLWE (South Park Ladies Who Eat) party which was WAY too much fun. But I have no local friends, only the faint glimmerings of friendship in the future. Maybe. Hopefully. I have joined a committee for my neighborhood association, but it's not like having friends.

The truth is my phone hardly rings. My friends from my other homes states rarely call, many hardly email. For some this is a long pattern. My beloved Abby sucks at staying in touch, we regularly go for many, many months without phone calls. It was certainly unexpectedly lovely when we got a gift basket from her and the hubs for the new year. But I have called her and left messages, I miss hearing her voice. However, like I said, this is a pattern in a friendship that is over 30 years old.

Last week I did something that outside my comfort zone and emailed a neighbor letting her know I'm around a lot, that I know she's is home with kids a lot. We had a lovely lunch date at her freaking gorgeous home. It was so nice, so like my old life, only not, because this was the exception, because she and I are just forging a connection.

When I moved away from Massachusetts it was a catalyst in many ways for a horrible break up of a friendship that had meant the world to me. I haven't spoken to that person for over two years because I had to make the break. I had to stop giving chances only to have nothing offered in return. One of my great fears in leaving California was this loneliness returning (I had a hard adjustment to the west coast), and of other friendships not surviving my relocation. One friendship has totally disintegrated already in a horrible email exchange where I felt attacked. It shook me for weeks, it is so hard when someone nails all your insecurities. Mostly I don't talk about it because it is still painful, and pushing it away is much easier right now.

Several weeks ago I spoke to Greg (our friendship anniversary date is 9/26/84 as discovered recently in his journals) about that debacle. Moving away, he said, always uproots things. Some things can be replanted but they are always changed. Some things do not survive the upheaval.

He is right of course but as someone who is apt to keep trying, to keep calling, writing, who is unrealistically optimistic about a lot of things I bristle at this notion. I do realize that relationships always need time to resettle, to adjust to new boundaries and perhaps I am just having a hard time letting that happen and want everyone to adjust already dammit!

Because I need my friends with me in spirit even if I can't sprint over to their place anymore.

More Ravelry Love

I think about writing various tidbits every day, I really do. It's not that my life is so exciting that this happens, but somehow I seem to always have things to say but no motivation to write. Or do a lot of things actually. But that's another post ;-)

So I was working furiously away the Fans of Family scarf for my California friend's mother-in-law. It was becoming apparent that I would not have enough yarn but yet I kept deluding myself that somehow like the oil during that famous Maccabee story that there would be enough as I needed. But no, like most religious tales it's clearly an exaggeration.

Like any good 21st century knitter I hit the internet. Now for those of you readers who are not invested in the fiber arts (for example I dream about knitting and more recently spinning) a lot yarn is dyed in batches, or lots. Some yarns look much the same between dye lots, others, not so much. Now the yarn I was using, Misti Alpace Laceweight was a gift from Jennie, who purchased it quite awhile ago. The yarn I was using was dye lot 1. Hm, this could be a problem, although I suspected their dye lots might be consistent but who knew. I looked on Ravelry but no one was selling the right colour and dye lot. So I posted an ISO (in search of) listing asking for an exact match. The ever so lovely moderator, Somebunnyslove, responded by finding several who had the right colour, and one who had the right dye lot as well. I decided to risk it by writing to the person to see if they had any desire to sell it even though it was not listed on their trade/sell page.

My question was quickly answered and she said yes! At the same price she bought it for even ($6.00, and of course shipping costs). It arrived today and I am so happy. I have been stalking others on Rav who are selling more of this stuff because I am really enjoying it. Next time I think I will use it single stranded to see how that feels in the hands.

So I need to head back to work on that project. The sleeve of doom has been finished and the second has been started. The cabled headband is languishing though it could probably be finished in a few hours. I long to cast on at least three other projects but am trying to hold off until the scarf is done since there is a bit of a deadline attached to that one.