Monday, February 04, 2008

Drowning in the Silence

My neighborhood is fabulous. I have my choice of knitting meet ups almost seven days a week. This Saturday I went to another SPLWE (South Park Ladies Who Eat) party which was WAY too much fun. But I have no local friends, only the faint glimmerings of friendship in the future. Maybe. Hopefully. I have joined a committee for my neighborhood association, but it's not like having friends.

The truth is my phone hardly rings. My friends from my other homes states rarely call, many hardly email. For some this is a long pattern. My beloved Abby sucks at staying in touch, we regularly go for many, many months without phone calls. It was certainly unexpectedly lovely when we got a gift basket from her and the hubs for the new year. But I have called her and left messages, I miss hearing her voice. However, like I said, this is a pattern in a friendship that is over 30 years old.

Last week I did something that outside my comfort zone and emailed a neighbor letting her know I'm around a lot, that I know she's is home with kids a lot. We had a lovely lunch date at her freaking gorgeous home. It was so nice, so like my old life, only not, because this was the exception, because she and I are just forging a connection.

When I moved away from Massachusetts it was a catalyst in many ways for a horrible break up of a friendship that had meant the world to me. I haven't spoken to that person for over two years because I had to make the break. I had to stop giving chances only to have nothing offered in return. One of my great fears in leaving California was this loneliness returning (I had a hard adjustment to the west coast), and of other friendships not surviving my relocation. One friendship has totally disintegrated already in a horrible email exchange where I felt attacked. It shook me for weeks, it is so hard when someone nails all your insecurities. Mostly I don't talk about it because it is still painful, and pushing it away is much easier right now.

Several weeks ago I spoke to Greg (our friendship anniversary date is 9/26/84 as discovered recently in his journals) about that debacle. Moving away, he said, always uproots things. Some things can be replanted but they are always changed. Some things do not survive the upheaval.

He is right of course but as someone who is apt to keep trying, to keep calling, writing, who is unrealistically optimistic about a lot of things I bristle at this notion. I do realize that relationships always need time to resettle, to adjust to new boundaries and perhaps I am just having a hard time letting that happen and want everyone to adjust already dammit!

Because I need my friends with me in spirit even if I can't sprint over to their place anymore.


heather said...

sorry to hear you're having a rough time, but it sounds like you have new prospects on the horizon. that is a blessing right there, and it sounds like you are doing a good job forging.

i relate, too, of course. i know things will get better once i get a job, but it's still very weird not having any local friends. thank goodness for my parents, at least.

Jbeeky said...

It is a hard change. I felt unmoored for years in San Diego, having left friendships in Mass. that were decades old. Here is to more lunches to come.

KeanaLee said...

I know how you feel, kinda. My first husband was aprofessional athlete & so many people would come & go on his team, we remained in the same place for all 10 years of his carrer. It seemed the minute I got to know someone they would get traded or cut or retire. It was hard to live like that. Because of that it's actually hard for me to make friends though I do have them, I'm kind of a loner.
I hope this cheers you up though, YOU WON THE CONTEST on my blog, so email me& I will email you the names of 3 books to choose from & send you one. Look forward to hearing from you.