Television Mimics or Guides Me?

Yesterday was not a good day. Not at all. Not even a little.
(Yes I read a lot of Dr. Seuss why do you ask?)
A few days ago, last week maybe, I made mention of a terrible split with a friend. Well that dispute raised it's head again on Wednesday which was upsetting but believe it or not was made worse yesterday. Worse is not only means thoughts and words forming obsession thoughts but nausea, shaking, crying. It was not a pretty day.

In the midst of all of that Charmed was on in the background and it was the episode where the sisters are at risk of losing their powers for being too blatant, careless, and maybe taking them for granted a bit too much. I have always identified the most with Phoebe, (although I have a lot of Piper too what with the cooking thing/potion making/mama thing) and others have said that as well. The resolution in this episode is that she loses her active powers. At the same time I was recognizing that as much as I have learned and tried to not fall back on bad habits, I still had work to do.

So I guess this is my public acknowledgment that I am more human, much more fallible that I like to remember. The work on oneself is never done and I guess this was another knock on my walls to come down a bit, to learn that doors and windows are a good thing. It feels like I have been fed a lot of humble pie in the last few months. (For those wondering, nosy Jbeeky, my blogger BBF!, I did not get the job at American Video. I am choosing to believe they had equally bright but more under than over qualified candidates that would not bolt the first chance they got.) What this all also means is that I need to reach out to my friends instead of hoping that they just know what I need. That I need to put some ideals aside and move in a different direction. That I need to work on getting real sleep one of these years. That and a million other ways that I need to continue to strive toward a better version of me.

Sad Sex

So yesterday, as often on weekday afternoons, I was watching Charmed. Yes I confess, I am a huge fan and watch the episodes over and over. Every once in awhile I catch on, particularly from the early Pru years that I missed. I can't imagine that there are any I haven't seen but every once in a while... I digress.

It's the episode where Piper and Leo get trapped in that nether world, the way station between life and death. While there they sadly reflect on their relationship and the stresses. From there an intimate moment develops which creates the next offspring. As with other times, in other movies, and television shows grief in particular but often great sadness turns to great passion. I have never.ever.experienced this. Is something wrong with me? I suspect not. I suspect it's a bizarre plot to further confuse the emotional life of people in these united states.

I have had moments of great grief but never has a tearful moment led to tender sex. Perhaps it's because tender, gentle sex is not my mainstay. Of course sometimes the image is of passionate, wild sex but again, never in my life. I consider myself a pretty passionate person but never does a trip down the path of grief lead to lovemaking. Is it me? I swear half the time I see this sort of thing on television I wonder if it's real, or is it more of the prince charming syndrome? On soap operas (yes I watch those too) these people never seem to have to struggle to find a baby sitter for great nights out, no kid ever walks in as they're about to get down to business. I know, I know, this stuff is created as an escape but it's such an unrealistic image of real adult life and kids watch this stuff! Between soap operas starting at age 11 and reading Cosmo by age 14 I was seriously unprepared for the real world! I feel like I should be able to sue someone - you know like the line from Dennis Leary's stand up routine when he asks about suing James Taylor for turning him into a pussy and thus not getting laid during the 70's.

Seriously had I known then what I know now about images and sex, my god, would my life be different. Who knew Audra Barkley was wearing hairpieces and false eyelashes? And that Victoria Barkley was shot with vaseline on the lens and had already probably had a face lift in the 60's, and Heath was wearing a girdle? Watching it a repeat in afternoons I certainly had no idea. All I knew was as thick as my hair was, I could never make it look like Audra.

Lately on All My Children (hush now!) Kendall and her husband Zach have been having sex practically everyday. Now of course this probably to cover her guilt at having sad sex with an ex (Aiden). Kendall and Aiden were grieving the disappearance of their mates and in a fit of immense grief that they were actually dead, they had sex. See how it works? Again, another thing I don't do, have sex because I feel guilty about something I've done, not done, whatever.

Grief and guilt are just not aphrodisiacs for me.

Perhaps the solution is to stop watching television. Yeah, that'll happen. Not.

Is this what a hangover feels like?

It was a terrible night for me. Three bad dreams in one night, seriously! I woke up totally raggedy, hazy, and thought, I think this must be what a hangover feel like. No, I have never been hung over. And no I am not a tea totaler. I have drunk a fair amount in my past, a much bigger drinker in my youth than these days. Now it takes some time to get my tolerance up but it's not something I strive to do. Really I have never woken up feeling like the lights are too bright, every noise is too loud and dog assed tired after drinking. Perhaps after some other, ahem, interesting nights but not because I drank a lot.

The dreams faded one by one in terms of clarity. By the time I finally dragged myself out of bed after dream three and proceeded to make coffee, quite clumsily I might add, the images faded. The details, the actual quotes blew away like the seeds from dandelions in a wind storm. It reminded of when Piper goes "orbing" but stumbles once returning the "real" world, to recall anything about it.

The first dream was kind of like fun and bizarre Fellini ride with two odd, sort of homeless like men attaching themselves to TGF and I. We wandered around and I know there were interesting conversations that occured. But suddenly it all went very badly. I was experiencing a total mental breakdown. Going crazy was a physical as well as psychological experience in the dream. It was a weird awareness of knowing I was totally losing control. It was very unpleasant.

Next up was an odd phone call with my brother. I haven't actually spoken to my brother in years. No real reason, he just isn't very social and a workaholic who makes a fortune. There is eleven years between us and he has a twin sister who he gets all his sibling needs met through. My sister and I do stay in intermittent contact. Anyway, he has been on my mind because we are considering asking him to be an investor in our our first house flip. In the dream he alternated between friendly and a bit suspicious - even asking me if I had an ulterior motive for calling. In addition there were times it seemed like he left the phone putting our sister and then our father on. Very weird.

The last dream was like a really, REALLY dark episode of Charmed, complete with an evil spirit taking over a character who might have been a bride. The bride character was a cross between Piper and my dear, dear friend Abby. I was trying stave off chaos, discovery of a dead body and saving the bride. The finale was me trying everything I could think of to reawaken the good spirit in the bride to save her and everyone from impending doom. In involved a spell (go figure) that used the word Maderia, or Medera? Not sure but I think if was supposed to be the name of a woman. Oh yeah and there was a black lacy veil which I danced with when everything was righted.

One of these days i might get a restful night of sleep. It's something I get about every 3-8 days. The rest of the time I wake a lot, have too many dreams to feel rested, or something. Like waking up at 6am after falling asleep after 1am - that was the other day, maybe Saturday. Yeah Saturday I got up and worked. Sent 30 work emails by the time TGF got up. Those commercials with Abraham Lincoln and the beaver really touch a nerve, let me tell you.