Well, once again it's the holiday season which brings up a lot of mixed feelings for me.
Yes, I am seeing someone, but the long term future of that is very unsure (yes, I feel this way despite that the relationship has been going on for two years), so what does it mean for me to spend the holidays with my sweetheart's family again? No idea. It's not just a matter of it being better than alone, alone is fine with me. I like family occasions, there is something sweet about them for me.
I like my sweetheart's family, I have lucked out a number of times of having affection for my partners' family, but I miss what mine used to look like; and as I'm sure I have mentioned a few times (I am not going to look all the times, because it's a theme) that I long for a familiarity of my own partnership and a self-created, joint-created traditions. At this age, with my history, it seems unlikely I will have that consistency. Certainly nothing about my life demonstrates anything like of regularity, patterns, long term - well long term anything in many ways.
I might be getting tired of the roller coaster or some other great metaphor that is my life. On one hand I totally love so many facets of my life, the fluidity, my ease of changing course. Perhaps it's the aging factor that is shifting my perceptions, my longing for something more sedate. However would I be bored if I get, created what I think I am missing? Honestly, I probably would but that doesn't mean I wouldn't love something about a new lifestyle. Every choice means there is something not chosen - another theme that one could find in the banality that is this blog.
Yeah, another bittersweet time for our heroine.