Thursday, November 03, 2005

Autumn Light

A little bit ago I asked the girlfriend about dinner. I wasn't hungry, it was the light, hanging low with a shimmer more yellow than gold casting lathes of light through the slats of the window blinds.

In many ways this is my favorite time of year, though I am still learning to notice all the different ways autumn manifests itself here in California, which is so different from New England.

It's been a very up and down day in my head. I woke up positive and active, when suddenly like the coastal fog I so dearly love, this foul gray crabbiness descended. Pushing past the crabbiness I finally got some things done that could have and should have been done about 6 weeks ago. Nothing like plans to leave town to up the ante. One moment chipper, the next blah, the next almost downright perky, the next glum. More tiring than a roller coaster without any of the fun.

From my couch, which is my perch until I finish my office and have a second perch, I can see the olive tree which doesn't seem to change color. The other window has some sort of leafed tree thing which is changing colors in the muted way of of a female bird.

Tuesday morning I woke up at 7 something and thought one week from today my mother will be in surgery. Yesterday I thought this time next week I will be on a plane. My therapist said that the diagnosis of cancer has very much of before an after flavor. What I found staggering is that I realized that it had only, or already been two weeks since we got the biopsy results. Wow. I guess Laura (the therapist) is right. Instead of b.c.e (before common era), my life will now have a bbc (before breast cancer) demarcation. Weird. I suppose there are other before and after events but there are few that will turn into anniversaries.

The light has sunk lower and beams of light are gone leaving just a low light peeking through. I think it's time to do other things.

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