Feel a bit sorry for myself and a bit lost

So I have been on this email list/community since 1996 or 1997. I took a break at some point for probably less than a year and rejoined in November 1999. Met a lot of folks from there, it saved my life when I first moved to California and it's how I met TGF. There have been many ups and downs over the years, however I am mostly not feeling connected to it for about a year now. It's been feeling a bit like I'm on the sidelines, jumping up and down, saying things like "Look over here! ", "I'm here too". Not pleasant.

The latest was that I wrote, about two weeks ago, on there that I was going to California and wanted to see folks. Not one of my friends/acquaintances from out there wrote me. Not.One. Two folks who have joined the list since I left the west coast have written me. Seriously. Yesterday I wrote the local smaller list, asking for a possible ride from the airport, jokingly asking if someone had a car they weren't using, and wrote "again I would love to see as many of you as I can". Nada. The silence has been deafening. I have tentative plans to stay with my good friend Jennie, which makes me SO happy but damn. You know? It's not like this is the first time I've written or had contact with most of these folks. I've only been gone about nine months by the time I fly out there but it feels so far away right now.

Seriously I think it may be time to leave but I have developed such connections with these folks. I've met probably about 30 people from this list that has hovered between 110-200 people in the last few years. That's a large percentage. Some I've never met but spoken to on the phone, or just because of the on and off list conversations consider them friends, worry about them, cheer them on, all that stuff. It's had to imagine my life before November 1999 (my first go round I was pretty silent on list and didn't really get to know folks). But I am feeling more than ever it might be time to say goodbye and it hurts like hell. However right now the bad/hurt place is louder than the fun/connected place.

The idea of leaving makes me feel really lonely. It makes me wonder if the bonds and friendships were all in my head, one-sided. All that good stuff. While I am building relationships, and starting what could be some fabulous friendships here in Ohio, the idea of being without this resource, this lifeline is scary and SO lonely. And it makes me question if I'm really the good person I think I am, or wonder if I have fucked up somehow and no one will tell me, or leads me to thoughts of "they were just putting up with me". Good times here this morning I tell you.

On top of all that I am deep in NCDC registration land, heading to camp on June 13th and it's all new there. It's not like going to DNE which is a lot like going home to welcoming arms. So I'm having anxiety about that, finding a ride down to camp and back again, where I'll stay in the Bay Area after camp, contemplating being away from TGF for two weeks where I will probably have limited contact because there isn't cell phone access at camp and they only have dial up.

Yep it's good times here in Dayton this morning. What the hell else can I feel anxious about?!? A zillion things but I don't want to drive away my three readers so I'll stop now. Maybe I'm just PMSing which makes all this feel bigger and more horrible than it really is. Yeah, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

A quiz - just because

Inspired my amazing friend Andi, and because I'm not overly inspired to write since I've been sick for a few days....I give you a quiz result!

For an unscientific test I'd say it was pretty accurate. As always I find it hard to choose between two extremes in answers because so often it depends on my mood when I encounter the circumstance they are asking about. I tend to prefer scaled answers rather than the more black and white type. But oh well.

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart. You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts. At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do. You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What's Your Personality Type?

Wow it's been a long time!

So many days I thought of things to write, hoped to write but was busy, exhausted or otherwise unable to write. Sad, I know. No real excuse.

To catch things up I offer you tidbits.

I totally put off writing about Passover! Shame on me. We were invited to a neighbor's sedar - so cool. It was my first one since I left the east coast, far too long. The best brisket I have had in 20 years. Okay, granted I hardly eat the stuff but let me assure you it was supreme. It was fun, easy going. I wanted to write a whole piece about the difficulty I have going somewhere besides my family for this holiday but the time is long gone now. Oh well. Thanks Loni for a lovely evening.

My best friend Greg and his amazing wife Janet are leading an artist's tour in Morocco come fall. If only I drew and had the money I would SOOOOO go. I have an unreasonable draw to that country. These two have traveled extensively and are some of the most enthusiastic, positive, and creative people I know. They have the ability to find joy in the most mundane of locations or events in a way that lifts your spirits. If you are in New York, Greg is having a small show of some of his work at Tabla Rasa Gallery - go!

Yesterday was my last day at cubicle hell. My co-temp worker made it so much better as we had the best conversations. However unless we win the lottery I will probably head back there after I return from my California job. Speaking of that job, the learning curve with their new database, modeled after DNE's database which only launched last summer, has been steep. It's good beta testing for online registrations for DNE as that event is much bigger than NCDC's. Between cubicle hell, NCDC and very early DNE business life has been full.

I have lots of new yarns (well lots by my meager standards) and some updates on projects to show you but that requires taking photos and well between rainy days, being tired, and no batteries, that simply hasn't happened. But I have been knitting, never fear. In fact I began a local "Craft Night" at Night and Day Cafe. I posted information on Ravelry - you may have heard me mention that community once or ten times, as well on a neighborhood list. It has been a lovely blend of two communities that I love a lot. So if you craft anything vaguely portable, come on down - Sundays starting at 7:30pm.

Spring has been absolutely gorgeous and I took some photos about two or three weeks ago, but well they are still sitting on the camera so Have no idea if they are post worthy.

TGF has been struggling with her job. A lot. She is moving towards looking for something better and soon. Send good job juju her way, 'kay?

Oh a bit ago I wrote about beginning my doula business again and I met with my first potential client Thursday evening. Just getting that far is a bit thrilling you know?

I am still reading way more than I have in years (except for school reading, which well we won't discuss graduate school right now, alrighty?). Haven't touched The Woman's Book of Creativity for awhile (perhaps that's part of my blogging problem).
Spinning Straw into Gold has redeemed itself a bit, particularly the section on The Seal Wife. Perhaps this section has appealed to me because it's about, in part, life after child bearing and reclaiming identities that were put on hold during those years.
Stephanie Pearl-McPhee's Knitting Rules was quite good, as in enough to buy some day. Last week I borrowed Talk to the Hand - I am laughing out loud! I loved her first book, Eats, Shoots and Leaves. I am totally enjoying Lynne Truss's writing style, her values, and damn she is just so funny! Last week I began The Omnivore's Dilemma - wow is about all I can say at the moment. I am blown away by the takeover of corn.

I will make a commitment to try to be better at staying contact, I promise you my loyal three readers! There is still so much more to report.

Oh! I have to tell everyone this bit of news. My bbff (best blogging friend forever!), Jbeeky received the news that she can go receive her baby from Taiwan this summer! They should be home in August. So I have another child sweater in the planning stages. I swear I started crying when I read the post on the red eggs. Made TGF look at the photos Jbeeky's new daughter and she said "OMG I'm in love!". I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO want to meet them at the airport when they land back in California. Seriously folks. I know I've never met her, never even spoken to her on the phone, but I feel like I need to there.

Okay, now I am really going. Need to do laundry, walk the dog, and get ready for SEX at a closing LYS.

What's in a name?

In my work for "the man" I have been privy to a lot of unusual names,sometimes it's just the spelling that is a little different.  But clearly some are interesting references to totally other things.
For one thing it can be a way to tell folks how your little came to be here.  Chianti  Chardonnay  Vodka  Tequila  I don't know about you but I would have some problem with Vodka. The rest, well, at least have a flow about the pronunciation  that at least makes them interesting.  Also the traditional spellings were used so that makes things a bit easier on the kid.  In the stacks of applications were also names that most of us associate with places, things, or well just not names:
 LaQuinta - I could swear this is a motel chain.  If names help determine your future, well let's not even contemplate this poor child's potential destiny.  Clinique - hm, except for the fact that this name was given to a girl I would think someone was raising a potential drag queen.  Touche - complete with the accent.  Think about how most of use this french word in conversation.  Very weird to go around calling your child the equivalent of "good point!".
British - I get London, Asia, India, Cheyenne, and others.  But British???   Not surprisingly I saw: Eunique (I figure the parent thought adding the "e" give it that unusual edge), Princess, and Precious.

However "MyQueen" just tripped me out.  Can you imagine the parent saying:  "No MyQueen, Yes MyQueen"?  Doesn't that set up one hell of a twisted power balance!  My friend Andrea would be surprised at how many other spellings there are for her name:
Aundrea
Andrey'a
Andria  The other piece that is interesting in the naming I saw was the abundance of vowels, or sometimes missing vowels, and apostrophe's. Do you think that Sh'ron and Sha'ron are pronounced differently? Seriously I pondered this one and I realize I have a hard time hearing certain subtle differences in speech but I really think these would sound the same said by most folks.  Then there are the ones that almost sound like another word: Creola - crayola
Ta'Jeana - tagine
Jiaria - giardia

The siblings sets of names could be truly daunting.
Terrence is the brother of Terraca
Christine is the sister to Christian
Johnnie (m) is the brother to Johnnae (f)
D'Angela is the sister to Angelo D.
Trevon is Jevion's brother
Jay'Veon is brother to Jay'Quon
DaMiyah & DaMahnii

Twins:
Amauki (f) & Amaurion (m)
Mykiana(f)  & Mykala (f)

Mom Lennette liked the doubling up of letters so much that she named one of her children Leannettay

I realize that I sucked at pronouncing words and names, so much so one would think English was my second or third language but there were some that totally stumped me.
Quovozio  Kozon   Nyiarrha
Elijhnane  Tylexcen Dazjha

Sibling sets:
Shawn (m), Shantil (f), Shanell (f), Shaniece (f) & Za'niya (f)
Emprise (f), Se'Marion (m), & Ricae (f)
Ta't'Yannah (f), Tai'Shawn (m) and Tae'Jon (m)

This is just a taste of the names I scribbled down while plugging away at data entry where my rate went from 70 applications to 120 a day. There are more but I suspect y'all would get bored.

On a more serious note even a quick reading of these applications was depressing - all these single young women with children, their lives in a total standstill by parenthood.  Many of these women had their first child at 16, the youngest I processed was 13 but 14 and 15 were not unusual to see either.  One woman was 21 and already had a 7, 4, 2, and 1 year old.  My heart broke when I saw files like this, my body ached with idea of the burden.  Many of these women have had between 2-5 men fathers for their children and are not receiving child support (well at least they didn't report it).  There were many who were only receiving child support for some of their children, rarely all.

This gig also brought out the latent sociologist in me.  Hourly I formed questions about the naming traditions in the African-American community that I was seeing over and over.  What traditions are they borrowing from?  The use of "Jr" and "III" is still quite common and interesting considering the father's apparent non-involvement.  Some of the spellings seem phonetic but are non-standardized.  There's a system for this sort of thing that I cannot find a reference for - you know that one that spells "fish" something like "ghosh"  (I am sure about using "gh" for "f"). The doubling up of vowels, dropping of vowels, odd consonants, use of apostrophes - mind boggling I tell you.

Weather or not

Moving to California I knew I would miss autumn, and I did. Moving to Ohio I had hoped I could get a touch of that season.  Luckily fall here is rather pretty, still nothing compares to New England for the array of colour, the sheer mass of trees lighting up the hills and mountains.  However I deeply enjoyed the arboreal display, the particular shade of blue that only seems to appear in October and November in places where the air crisps while the leaves crackle under your feet.

But oh the spring!  While it was a delight and a wonder to have things bloom just about all year long in the Bay Area, it has been such a sweet pleasure to have the emergence of green, the slow developing budding of flowers, trees, and bushes after a good winter.

The straggly bush outside turns out to be a lilac which has burst forward with lovely blooms.  In Massachusetts I had a small stand of them between my house and my lovely neighbor, Beth, who was terribly allergic to the scent.  Every spring I inhaled deeply and she held her breath if she had to walk by them.  Having one in front of the house here is like a little treasure.

Some time I believe in March I saw my first cardinal since I had left the east coast.  I had forgotten how pretty they are, how they help mark the change of weather.  A few weeks ago I was pining for the red-wing blackbirds that darted in the rushes along the Bay but soon was thrilled to see robins again.  I still miss the blackbirds and the masses of grackles but there is something soothingly familiar about the plethora of robins that dot the greenway near my home.

Last week I found half of a broken robin's egg, in that lovely light blue that is tinged just a bit with green and speckled most delicately.  Immediately I remembered being about 8 when the family had traveled to Virginia to visit some friends.  It was one of the first times I had felt like I was "in the country", since I was raised in NYC.  Walking in the yard around their farmhouse I found a robin's egg, a whole one, that had either been stolen from the nest or one which the mama bird knew wouldn't make and had kicked out.  Cradling the egg in my hands I brought it inside to show everyone.  I carefully placed it somewhere safe so I could bring it home with me, back to my concrete homeland.  I no longer remember how long I kept the egg but it was prized item in my room, one that connected me with another life; one where children had yards, where nature was right outside your window, where the seasons bombarded all your senses and you couldn't forget what month it was.

Last Thursday I took Wyatt for a long walk. There were no injuries this time, thanks for asking. My shoes were really bugging me and finally I just gave in and took them off.  It was so delightful to walk barefoot on the concrete pathway and the soft grass of the greenway.  Though it was often warm enough to do that in Berkeley it didn't happen often at all.  I have walked barefoot in NYC, on the streets, in parks and I love doing that because the ability to feel through my soles is something that makes me feel just a bit more alive, just a bit more connected to place.  It reminds me to pay more attention to my body, how my feet are placed against the various surfaces I encounter, the way feet are shock absorbers but always there is a wave of vibration that runs up your body- harder or softer- but always there as all your weight for a brief moment is resting on that tiny surface area of one's foot.

Saturday we had a little bit of lots of weather.  In the morning it was gray and raining at a good rate.  We left the house, I had thought it was merely sprinkling.  I also thought I knew where I was going, I was wrong on both counts.  With my pants melded to my legs, my coffee lid offering more rain water than coffee, we turned back to put on dry things.  By the time we left again the day had changed - bright, sunny, and toasty warm.  Returning home again TGF was quick to discard her socks and sneakers because she was positively baking.  In the late afternoon it turned gray and
drizzly.  By evening the wind was roaring through as it has been doing a lot - I love that -  and the temperature seemed to drop a good  degrees every hour or so until we had to go around shutting windows and doors.  I have heard that people from other areas are baffled by east coasters and midwesterns' obsession with the weather.  This weekend makes a good case for it being about being prepared and totally sane, not the least bit OCD, not even a little bit.

Anyone want a dog?

I know, I know! My blogging was on a great roll and then I fell silent. What can I say, being at work from 8am - 5pm has been kicking my butt. There are a ton of things rolling around in this brain of mine to write about but absolutely no energy to do so.

Then last night I was out walking Wyatt, and let's just say that it did not go well. When TGF started her blog she took my nickname for him, Puppyman, as part of her title (read her December 5th entry, cracks me up). Last night I had my own "adventure with puppyman". It was the last walk of the night and we had just left RedLady's porch where TBG (The Big Guy) had loved on Wyatt. As had Lisa F and Amy W (who thinks Wbaby smells good - he does. Usually).

Strolling back down the green, I notice someone walking small dogs and begin to bear to the right onto the grass to avoid them. Nice try Dharma. Wyatt went barking and lunging at the dogs and/or possibly the cats that were walking with them as well. I absolutely could not hold him and I went down. Hard. Stupidly I did not immediately let go of the leash either. As fast as possible I got up, probably yelling at him to back off the other beasts before standing up again.

I was able to grab Wyatt fairly quickly and the other animal owner had not freaked at my dog's terribly unfriendly greeting. Actually the only thing she said was something like, "he pulled ya right down!". Yep he sure as hell did. With a VERY tight grip on him my body was a mass of pain. I knew I had the equivalent of road rash on my left inner forearm, felt like I had it on my left breast as well. My left knee felt banged up. I was furious at the dog.

In the end I do have a very nasty scraped bruise on my inner forearm and pulled muscles in both arms but my left is really bad. Feels like I messed up the rotator cuff. Basically the majority of my body hurts from mildly to pretty badly.

This morning I woke up to raw chicken skin and paper towels used to pat dry chicken thighs on his dog bed. Not my favorite thing. We will just leave it that. I then headed to a meeting for the Funding Committee for HSPI's AIA projects. When I returned Wyatt had broken into my special treat of potato chips and finished them off, knocked the bread warmer filled with biscuits from last night dinner all over the kitchen, and had knocked my basket of yarn all over the place. Needless to say he was put into time out.

I repeat. Anyone want a dog? He's cheap to purchase. As in free.

Update from the governmental front, as it were

Monday was my first day at the temp job. It's a city department but I can't say which, just in case, ya know. What I can say, legitimately, now, "good enough for government work!".

First off it's a locked building.  What I mean is that you need a key to go up in the elevator, which of course as temps we don't have access to such a thing.  Makes going out to lunch a bit of an adventure.

The work itself is kind of depressing because it's processing applications of folks requesting services (that's about all I can say about the type).  It means that everyone's application shows them
living on air just about which is far from the high life.  Most are single women headed households with dependents.  Some of these women are so young and have SO many children.  About the most amusing thing about these files are the names.  Remember last summer when I was
working at Stars R Us and I posted some names?  Well let me tell you that place had nothing on these people.  I may have to do a whole entry that is a rift on Baby's Named a Bad Bad Thing.

There are four of us in the square of cubicles, in a huge otherwise empty room that is on the way to the break room, so there is a lot of foot traffic going on behind our backs. The inner corners of all of our unit point to the middle.  On Monday  was just three of us as the other woman was out sick.  Michael (no real names will be used) had been here since Thursday so he helped Joshua and I get our bearings as it was our first day.  Michael is a nice guy, a bit of a nerd but very smart and a touch of a sharp wit. Joshua is a young'un.  Really, he's 20 and from a small town in the country out here.  He has one of those accents where they pronounce insurance, IN-shurance, like two separate words "In" and "surance".  It's kinda cute.  Joshua thinks he knows a lot more than he does, but he isn't dumb by any means.  He just has the "I know a lot already, don't need you to tell me x" that most us had a touch of at that age.  

By the end of the day my brain is tired and my eyes felt like they are bleeding.  I did leave the building for lunch which was a good move but I will never get another egg salad sub from Subby's again. Not a pleasant experience.  Tuesday all four of us are in and surprise, surprise the other women temp is from my  neighborhood and I know her.  On one hand it was cool thing, on the other it was a bit unsettling.  Living here is like being in the land of three degrees of separation, on a good day. There was a little more chattering throughout the day which helped. The other thing that helped enormously was TGF brought home supplies Monday so I could download my favorite podcast.  Okay it's the only one I listen to but I love it.  I was able get through two entries that day and during that time it was almost like being somewhere else. Yesterday we had all sorts of conversation and it never broke out in fisticuffs. We covered the death penalty, abortion, gay marriage, child abuse, and I cannot remember what all else.  At one point it fell quiet so I listened to a podcast.  When I unplugged the topic was religion. Joshua asked me what I thought about christianity. I replied that it was a form of religion that many people found comfort it and helped them structure their life.  He was miffed as that wasn't the answer he was looking for but I pointed out that his question was rather broad and perhaps if he could narrow the topic a bit he might get a personal answer, since I sensed that was what he was looking for based on the conversation I came in on.  Once he did that I assured him that I did not look to christianity for comfort but found it in another form of spiritual beliefs.There were many, many delightful little tidbits like that but I barely have a memory of them as it's the next afternoon and I am drafting this post as an email since I have no access to blogger, twitter, ravelry, or facebook from this vacuum of cultural referencing called work.   More later, I hope. 

Sunday Night

My fantabulous Sunday night knit meet up disbanded and I was saddened. In my infinite wisdom I decided to start one of my own. First I posted the idea on Ravelry, then I sent a message to our local (South Park) women's mailing group. The response was really great.

I choose to "host" it at Night & Day Cafe over on Brown Street, as I have banished myself to that place on a few Sunday nights to get out of the house. There was a great turn out and it was great to have a cross-pollination of Rav and SP women. We had three women who were from my neighborhood - one bearing cookies from another neighbor who couldn't come. I'm telling you it's like living in a really cool version of Mayberry. One woman drove down from Troy, which is quite a hike. Someone had just joined Rav that morning and showed up leaving her 5 year old twins and 2 year old with the hubs. Tres cool. A Dayton fire fighter who told how she likes to bug the male fire fighters by knitting and painting her toe nails in the fire house. She is really funny. My buddy Chris and I were represented those who were members of both communities.

Initially I had planned to do it every other week but the response was so positive that it's going weekly folks, so come join us.

More entries, once I catch up on sleep I will follow about my adventures in the work force this week.

Notes from Woman's Creativity, part 1

From The Woman's Book of Creativity.

First I promise I will not be doing all my exercises here, but for now this is a convenient place for me to keep track of some things.

Ealy references the book, The Art of Thought (1926) which outlines a paradigm that she says people who study creativity grabbed on to and haven't really let go of (keep in mind this book was written over 10 years ago). The paradigm has four steps in the process:
1. Preparation - gather all important information
2. Incubation - the mind puts things on the back burner, allowing the unconscious to process things
3. Illumination - where a "solution" is suddenly brought into focus
4. Verification - "giving an outward form to the creative idea" (p. 6).

This paradigm was creative studying men, since the 1920s there has been great debate about whether women's brains work the same way with most people in "the field" say no, which means the above may not offer much to half the population. On the other hand I think many of us use a combination of linear processing, as expressed by the above, and a more "holistic" form. Holistic simply seems to mean not linear for a lot of people but maybe "relational" would be a better descriptive. Reviewing some of the things I have done I see both methods used, sometimes individual tasks seem to require one or the other, but I can also see how I tend towards a combination of processing a great deal of the time.

Page 11

What's your definition of creativity?
Ealy asks us to complete this statement: For me, creativity is.....

When I read this the other night I had an immediate answer that seems to have vanished into the ether since then. Perhaps one part of my answer is "fulfillment". That's what I am thinking at this point. {Added after writing the rest of post, as I edited.} Rereading this answer it's not very descriptive is it? By fulfillment I am thinking about how without creativity there is a lack of passion, drive that goes beyond doing what is necessary to have a place to sleep and food to eat. It is that intangible quality that lights us up intrinsically, that offers us a haven when other things are going downhill or inertia threatens our spirit.

An exercise on page 16 asks the reader to think of the creative people you know and list their behaviors or qualities. Which do you have? Which would you like to inhabit more?

Thinking of a number of people my answers include:
- ability to find joy in the most basic experiences
- interest in a lot of topics, not simply their craft
- physically active
- disciplined
- enjoy down time
- social
- express themselves verbally and in written form
- deeply appreciate others' creativity
- supportive of their friends
- challenge themselves to learn new forms of their art
- a good sense of humor
- finish things
- follow through on intentions

I am sure there are others but it's a start. Immediately I know I am not disciplined and need to be more physically active. This is not just because I think it will enhance my creativity (though I believe it will) but for a million other reasons as well. While I finish some things, I could have a higher output, or not. Not sure if actually finishing everything one starts is necessarily to define oneself as creative but it is a dimension that is important to me. Follow through in all areas is something I think is the quality I want to work on the most because it encompasses the other two in terms of meeting the goals I set for myself, doing things that I know will make me happier, healthier, and more me.

Ealy suggests picking one word, writing it on a colored index card, making about 10 of these and putting them where you will see them regularly. After a few weeks choose a new word/quality on a different colored card and repeat. I like that she asks her readers to concentrate on just one thing. Visual prompts like these cause a push-pull response in my head. It seems so simple, silly almost, but when I have done it (okay it's only been like twice) it did help. I suspect a quick jaunt to an office supply store (one of my favorite places to shop -EVER. Organizational opportunities everywhere, pretty pens with which to write brilliant essays, colorful folders for storing tidbits, {drool}) to pick up some index cards. TGF will probably tolerate this invasion on her visual plane, however I'll try to be mindful when placing these things about the house.

Some finished objects

Yes Greg, that means knitting. You will just have to glance through the photos, no need to actually read anything. See how nice I'm being to you.

Back in December Sunny saw a pattern in the holiday Interweave that she thought was adorable. I had looked over the boot toppers and thought they were adorable, a good practice piece for colourwork but couldn't think who to make them for, so this was perfect. We went to Flying Fingers to look for yarn and I decided on four colours of Brown Sheep Nature Spun Sport Weight. Checking yardages I silently figured I could make another project with these colours for her.

Once the discussion of flying east in March for Greg's party began I started on the boot toppers. They went quite fast, except for the duplicate stitching. This too was a new technique to me. Very self explanatory, but hard to get it looking quite right.

Since I had my four colours I had to decide the order I would use them, writing notes on a copy of the pattern writing earth = boysenberry. Knowing that Sunny thought she like the Mallard the least I determined that would be the inside ribbing. Also knowing she adores purple, that became the background of the outside. Though the charting was really simple it took three tries before I actually got it right on the first cuff. Luckily it was a small project. I am quite proud of my floats on the wrong side which is why you are being subjected to a photo of that.

Also on the list for completion by departure time was a leg warmer for Lindsay's bad leg. I had scored some lovely Mission Falls 1824 superwash wool in navy which was his first choice of colour. This stuff knits up like a dream and would make a fabulous sweater for winter. Done on size 7 needles it make a lovely firm fabric. This pattern was done on the fly with my own made up numbers.


As I turned the corner toward my departure I challenged myself to substitute the colours of the December Lights Tam from the same issue. The design calls for 8 colours. I had four to start with from the cuffs, so the ransacking of my stash began. TGF had never seen the inside of my wooden chest before this and hadn't realized how stuffed it truly is with yarn. She shook her head, saying "It's like I'm living with a crack addict. You have the stuff hidden everywhere." I want to assure my readers this is not true. There is no yarn in the bathroom, kitchen, office, or laundry/mudroom. It is true there is the chest, a small basket, a hat box, and bag of yarn in the living room. And two plastic drawers in the parlor closet. And one plastic drawer and two smallish bags in the bedroom. But there is not yarn everywhere. Honest.

I hemmed and hawed over colours for at least two days rearranging them, subbing one or two out for some other combination. In the end I decided to use only 7, not 8 colours, that I would use one of the "greens" twice. Again I had to scribble things like Rose = 7804, Red = Boysenberry, Olive = Navy and so on. Amazingly I made few mistakes and tinked very little on this project. I also worked feverishly on it as I started it on a Tuesday and was flying the following Thursday. In the end I used the four Nature Spun colours, some of the Mission Falls Navy left from the leg warmer project, a bit of Cascade 220, and some gorgeous almost aqua green yarn that I have no idea where it came from or what it is other than a great colour. For the ribbing I used a size 2 needle and for the body size 3.



The beginning ribbing made my heart sing as I felt the colours blended perfectly. As I began the next section on day two of knitting I doubted my choices. A lot. With a worried heart I boldly continued though I was really unsure that the colours were working but I shouldered onward.




Suddenly, the pattern began taking shape and I thought, "Well it's passable. And moms are great about loving what you do just because you did them regardless of how good they are."

By the time it was almost done I was giddy with happiness. No it's still not perfect in my estimation but I was so pleased with it overall. Mostly the colours work, I really enjoy doing colourwork, I made my deadline. It was a win-win all around. Next time however I will weave ends as I go because damn there was a lot of weaving to do! Most rows had two colours, colours where changed every two or three rows. I wish I had taken a picture of the inside because mostly my floats are gorgeous.

I need to whine a bit

On a lark I decided a few minutes ago to take my temperature. As I said I have had this odd sick feeling since last night. Well it's over 100. No I don't know by how much because all I've had for eons is a blasted basal thermometer from back in the day when I was charting my menstrual cycle (first time to attempt to not get pregnant - didn't work; second time to attempt get pregnant - didn't work either). It only "counts" up until 100F and then there is unmarked space past that. The mercury went to the very end. Again.

Based on my recent experience with the Black Plague, I know it's not as high as it got during that time but dang people! A fever? Really? Well the plus side is I'm not making up feeling like crap.

Also I forgot to mention that I needed to submit to a background check and peeing in a cup for this temp job. I suppose it's because it's a job with a city agency. Plus if I wear a skirt (yeah right), or open toe shoes (that describes most of my footwear) I have to wear pantyhose or knee-his. OMG! I don't own any knee-hi hose. Here's hoping that my coworkers don't notice that I will wear the same 2-3 pants and tops during my tenure there. My closet is sorely lacking in business casual, and as noted really lacking in business professional (hence needing to borrow TGF's clothes recently).

When It Rains, It Pours

Last weekend I decided to send an email out to some of my neighbors about starting my doula services back up. This time around I will be focusing more on postpartum because it's a bit easier on the scheduling than birth, though I wouldn't turn down the opportunity to attend a birth from time to time. The feedback has been great. Then I asked my lovely email group where I have a lot of friends and a large number of them are mamas, or hoping to be, about names. My good friend Dru came up with the winner! Beyond Birth. Even before I settled on a name I started doing a mock up of a brochure but found myself a bit stuck for the first hour or so in terms of what to write on it. Weird. Sweetheart that she is, another friend from that list has offered to help me a bit with designing things. I need to start working on a website, something I've never done but what the hey. Aside from information on postpartum doulas in general, my background, links and offerings, I'm thinking of putting up stories (with no identifiers of course) about sweet or funny tales from working with families. Anything else you can think of that should be there?

Also this past weekend TGF and I went to the library which was great fun. We left with a few stacks of things. I have already scanned through the three knitting books and made notes on Goodreads.com (see sidebar for a link to my page) about them. Toted home were also The Woman's Book of Creativity, The Secret Life of Families, Spinning Straw into Gold, and The Sound of Paper. Since that time I have blogged a good deal (for me), gone on a long walk with Puppyman through the neighborhood, turned the heel on my sock and tried to do part of a yoga dvd, also a few others non-procrastination things. Without even opening any of the self help-ish books, just their presence in my home seems to help.

I mentioned some of these books on that same list and having put The Artist's Way on reserve at the library. Well another delightful friend said she had an extra copy and would be happy to send it to me. How cool is that? I have thought about working with this book since it came out and somehow never did. For me I think it was about never quite identifying myself as creative, despite the fact that I have done things that are creative (write, sew, cook, knit) for a very long time. I believe it's tied to my perfectionism in that I only thought of being creative as having to do with actual tangible output. Over the last 10 years or so I have worked on changing that perception in my head. It began by calling my cooking a creative outlet, something who's process gave me joy, and often the results. Feeding people good food that I've made with intent fulfills me. It may be that reading Like Water for Chocolate helped to give the ability to see food in this way. I deeply connected with food imbued with love and magic

Tuesday the temp agency called me to say that interview I did on Friday did go as well as I thought and he's really interested. Since he would not be looking for me to start for a few weeks, they also told of a two week data entry gig. Sure! It's scrilla, right? I then emailed them with more details about the dates I would be unavailable due to my other summer jobs. It may be that being unavailable for those weeks in June and August will be the end of that job and while the money would have been great and honestly a bit necessary, I will make about as much easily doing those jobs during that time.

Then I heard from one of my neighbors that someone is interested in my services as a doula and is due in about one week! Now this could work out beautifully in conjunction with the data entry gig. Overall it's a waiting game.

A few days ago I began The Woman's Book of Creativity, which is an easy read and much of the content is familiar however I feel a bit more inclined to actually think about the exercises that I've come across already (only about 35 pages in). I suspect I might blog about a few of the thoughts connected with them, as well, it seems the appropriate thing to do, no?

Unfortunately I started feeling sick last night and even had dreams about being sick, so paranoid I am now! Today I still don't feel right but I have the weekend to get over it as Monday I start the data entry job. 8-5 here I come. Please send supportive thoughts, some sleeping potions so I actually sleep at night, and doula clients my way!

How much do I love my neighborhood?

Yeah, I know I posted today already but I am just bursting with joy at having found this place. The other day I took Puppyman for a bit of a walk and happened upon Kevin, who introduced me to another neighbor. We chatted a bit and then his wife, the positively adorable Amanda came home. Pleasantries were exchanged and it was fun to learn where they live - cute house.

Today Puppyman and I went for a long stroll through the neighborhood - up Alberta Street where I found Amy pruning her rose bushes. This is Amy of the 15 cats and 2 dogs (who made their presence known and their displeasure at Wyatt's). Like any good dog mama I was pleased at her cooing over Wyatt. We chatted for a bit. Again really nice house.

Then I turned up Adams and wondered if I could find Cheryl's house. It's a nice little block and sure enough I recognized her house from the description and realized I had taken a photo of her sweet porch but in the fall.

Coming upon Theobald I thought I would turn up there since there has been a conversation on the SP email list about it needing some clean up. It was there, close to Oak that I saw the Halal shop (scroll down). I keep forgetting where it is but wanting to stop in there. It's one my list of to-dos around here.

I decided to turn on Clover as I hadn't walked there much, there was a cute property for sale on that block. Also a house with a really nice paint job on fish scales on its peak. Up Perrine and onto Oak where I saw Carol walking her little dog. To her my Wyatt seems like a big dog. Of course I often get that comment but I really don't find him to be all that large. Finished up the walk from there.

Tonight I took him out again before TGF gets home and we run to the Dragons game. Her mom somehow received tickets and passed them to us. TGF called me about the game yesterday asking me if I wanted to go and I said yes, but then said maybe she would want to take our nephew, Cody. She said next time she would but she really wanted me to experience it. I could hear her expression, and well there was no way I could refuse the look I knew was on her face.

So just a bit ago I took him for a quick stroll up the Green. There is Lisa waving at me, heading towards me to chat. We are talking up a storm about nothing in particular. I look down the Green and here comes Danielle with her eldest daughter Tess, who is just too cute for words. As we parted ways I waved at Jeanne who was sitting on her front steps talking on the phone.

While it's true that it isn't always possible to get a solitary walk around here, I have had plenty of those, but I have had few that look anything like walking around here and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Okay enough gushing.

Some House Under Rehab photos

I know I've made some references to working on this fabulous place we are renting so I thought I'd share some photos of things in progress. These photos are from specific times and more work may have been done since I took these. Our landlord was clear that this place hadn't been worked on in a very long time. Having learned to do all sorts of house things starting as a kid, I assured her I loved the adventure of it all.


The wall paper in the kitchen on one wall has three layers of something. The first wallpaper is probably from the 80's based on the design. Blue little flowers and tiny hearts. So not me! Plue it was peeling and just looking a bit dingy.



The second layers seems to be from the the late 60's I'm thinking.



The largest wall has this stuff under the two wall papers that I have no idea how to remove. At this point I am working on just getting easiest to remove, er, papers removed. This layer is kind of an aqua blue painted coat on cardboard (or something like it) pasted to the plaster. Crazy stuff. I have borrowed a steamer from a friend to see if I can release it that way. As one can see from the photo on the left there will need to be some repair of the plaster or perhaps replacing a section of this wall with sheetrock. The second wall of the kitchen only one layer that is pretty easy to removed except for the fact that they placed the new cabinets directly over it so it takes a little patience with the edges.

The paint trim is certainly a different colour under the wallpaper where it's been protected from aging and dirt. My goal is to strip the majoring of the trim, sand it and repaint it (and the walls) this spring. I have the basic colour scheme already planned. So exciting!



The stairway has wallpaper that based on the removal of one panel is easy to lift up - woo hoo! Well sort of, the other wall has the paper placed directly on untreated sheetrock. There is also some wood paneling that will need to be taken down.





TGF wanted me to wait until the deep winter was over before removing the carpeting on the stairs. I wanted it done immediately as it's ugly carpeting and the edges kind of roll under my bare feet (she always wears shoes, I try to as little as possible) meaning I start to slip about 3 times out of 10 when heading downstairs. While they need work it was such a joy to see nice wood on the step. The risers will need to be stripped or painted. Something!


Other projects abound, especially now that the weather is good. Stripping the wallpaper in the laundry/pantry/mudroom. Repairing the windows in the downstairs rooms - a squirrel or other critter got in the house while it was empty through the dryer vent and couldn't figure out how to get back out, so the poor thing chewed the hell out of a bunch of window frames. Wood putty will be my new best friend. Since I have been able to take down the plastic from the windows the time is near to begin this project too.

With the sunny days I am itching to do something with the little green space directly in front of the house. It's rather barren right now. Oh and then there is the idea of replacing the edging of the front side yard. There are just so many things I could do here! Painting the living room is way up there as well. And stripping the paint off the mantle place. And, and, and.. Well you get the idea. I find all this exciting work and I just love my house so it all works!

A People Packed Weekend

This weekend was a great combination of down time and a lot of socializing. I continue to be amazed at how busy with folks when I am in a new town. Of course I owe a lot of this to my fabulous neighborhood, Historic South Park, and especially SPLWE (South Park Ladies Who Eat) - a fun, loud, supportive group of women.

TGF came home at a reasonable hour on Friday and we took Puppyman (aka Wyatt) for a stroll on the Green. We don't walk him together as much as we did in California given the change in schedules so it felt like a treat to walk in the late afternoon sun with green grass underneath a vibrant, shimmering sky. A simple dinner was in the oven (premade pizzas) when my cell rang. Lisa, the neighborhood Social Director, was on the line. "I saw you walking the dog on the Green so I know you are feeling better. Get your butts over to the tavern!" Just about every Friday is social hour at the South Park Tavern (read the comments to really get a flavor of this place I call home!). After eating our fare we headed over, though I am a bit ashamed to say we drove (it is only about 3 blocks from our place) because TGF was wimpy about the weather saying it was cold.

There was a huge crowd but no room so we moved a table over to the end and proceeded to play musical chairs as people came and went. The conversation ranged all over the place: bra fittings (check out zafu.com, I wrote about them here), who was selling, crazy absentee landloards, and of course a lot of animal tales. Almost everyone here has a cat or a dog or both and usually more than one of whatever. I met Amy who has 15 cats! Crazy I tell you, she clearly adores them. She moved here nine years ago with just one. I don't think I could ever have that many without living on some acreage with a barn for 'em. Also got to chat quite a bit with Pam, with whom we share the most excellent landlady, Karin. It was lovely to see Ginger again but every time I see her I think about how I cannot carry a tune and she is a voice teacher with golden tones, so I get a bit wistful. Somehow I did not get enough time to catch up with Holly and Michael - two of the big movers and shakers of Rehabarama.

Saturday night many of us met up at the event Raks Mystique:


This event was amazing and so varied! TGF had convinced her mom, Ellie, to attend with us, which was a fabulous idea. There was a lot of art on display: wood turning, paintings, multi-media pieces, sculpture. The music was really varied but I was absolutely blown away by Puzzle of Light - amazing performance. While Sandstorm Middle Eastern Dance company did some good stuff I am spoiled by other dancers I have seen at DNE and at Pennsic, among other places. I did learn that Cheryl dances as well and we are cooking up a plan to go to Kira's Oasis for a hafla with the SPLWE group. Ellie and Ginger talked about their home state of Kentucky and there is a chance they are related! That sort of thing never happens in my world but it delighted me no end. Oh, and I met another new to me neighbor, Jeanne, who is also a New Yorker by birth. We had a great time cracking jokes about how "nice" people are around here in contrast to our east coast "tell it like it is" manner. The food we got from Cedarland was wonderful and I really want to go to the restaurant soon! We stayed so late that Raw Passion gave our group a bunch of cookies on the house - yum! The event was very well attended by a fairly wide and diverse group. There were a lot of folks who looked familiar in that they weren't suburban looking but carried a lot of piercings, body art, and funky styles of dress. I felt at home, needless to say. The next morning there was an email from Lisa saying that Ellie had been made an honorary member of SPLWE and sheconsiders her neighbor who hasn't packed yet. So true.

Sunday was a quiet day again. For dinner we headed over to the 'rents for a great meal and time with our niece T'Mane (The Most Adorable Niece Ever!). T'Mane truly is a cutie, very much in the repeating everything said that catches her attention so one has to be a bit cautious in their speech. She is also showing signs of classic toddler behavior of testing some limits, refusing to do things when first asked, that sort of thing. Since we are not in charge it is easy to be amused by this behavior.

Later Andi came by to hang out. She spun, I knit, TGF played on the computer and we chatted, watched Dexter, and it was a really easy time. Such a nice thing. Oh she brought a little gift. She is a ceramic artist and she made me these cute little card holders for labeling dishes at parties. They have slots for index cards so ingredients can be listed but the tags themselves say "peanuts", "gluten free" and "vegan". Isn't that the sweetest thing she did? It was a very pleasant Sunday, especially since my Stitchcraft group that used to meet Sunday nights has disbanded. I am thinking of starting a twice monthly Sunday night meetup over at Night & Day Cafe on Brown Street. Let me know if any of you out there are interested. You don't have to knit, you could crochet, cross stitch, spin, anything crafty.

In which our herione waits for the phone to ring

I have been in this place many times, for many reasons. Since I contracted the Black Plague I had to delay my interview with Work Place Group, the temp agency that thought I couldn't possibly even be considered as a candidate because I had committed the ultimate heresy of working primarily for non-profits. Since my righteous indignation moment I have learned that particularly here in the middle of the country people seem to think that one doesn't work their ass off for non-profit and work they for free. Ha! But I digress.

Last Monday I dragged my drooping ass and ashen complexion (this was confirmed by my friend Lisa who's car I borrowed for said interview - Thanks honey! Way to bolster someone before their meeting with the Devil) to their offices for assessment testing and a brief interview/information meeting of what they provide. It was amazing I could focus enough on the screen to take quizzes on my knowledge base of Word and Excel, typing speed and keystroke speed. Luckily by their (clearly meager) standards I did quite well, though my wpm was truly sad by my standards. Just that morning they had a job come through that they believed was just up my alley. It is too, but it's temp to hire and I'm not sure I am ready to commit to anything (have I mentioned I have commitment issues? No? Well it's why I don't have a tattoo. Yet.) Plus there is that little detail of being out of town in June (NCDC) and August (DNE). We part ways with the knowledge that once my references check out (thank you Debbie!) and a conversation with the company, an interview will be forthcoming.

The call came to set up the interview, and with that call came the terror of dressing for a real interview. Work Place Group said, "dress business professional. A suit would be great." Um, people you have clearly not seen my closet. I have some things that pass well enough for some interviews but nothing that would really make it at that level. Hell I don't own any tailored pants! When TGF came home she kindly and patiently took me by the hand, led me upstairs to her closet. Aside from finding something quickly that would pass for "business professional" the best part was fitting into her pants - a size 10! Okay she burst my bubble a bit saying that this brand runs large as the size 12 (she just bought these) swam on her. But still, it delighted me.

Friday morning I took her to work, came home fluffed about just a tiny bit and changed into her clothes, heading out in plenty of time for my 10am interview. The place is close by, I could walk or bike to work if I wanted (1.2 miles away). The guy I met with was quite pleasant and it went really well. I definitely gave "good interview" that morning. So now I wait and see if I get an offer, which if I do leaves me in a bit of a pickle regarding my other commitments versus regular work. I am keeping my other commitments, clearly, but damn it would be nice to make some good money for awhile. However I am so not ready for the regular work force, I nearly passed out when he told me I would get 1 week vacation the first year, 2 the second and 3 after 5 years. 5 years? I have never worked 5 years straight anywhere. Okay I have been doing DNE for 8 years but it's not a forty-hours a week job, every frigging week. Being self employed for the last 11 years has totally spoiled me.

All of this has inspired me to get off my butt, work on a webpage and offer postpartum doula services (probably with some other "name") locally so I can work when I want or need to, and take vacations when I want to, when I can, and not be at the mercy of "permission". {shudder} Being an adult, well, it's not for me sometimes.

Seriously Spring

TGF has this weekend off from work. While I out of town she had the weekend off, so this our first full weekend together in about a month. How lovely! She, of course, is especially delighted as this means that I do the first walk of the Wyatt pup in the a.m. both days.

We got up fairly early, despite a raucous night caused by our neighbors having an enthusiastic party until 3:30a.m. Seriously raucous. They were clomping about, laughing way too loud, and playing the piano until the wee hours. For the first time since we moved here we went to the Public Market (well I went with some friends a few months ago but it's just not the same as going and having a slow morning with your sweetie). It's a really sweet little place and I love being about to see the people who made/grew/produced the things they are selling. Didn't buy very much, some spices, cups of coffee to sip while we browsed, breakfast to munch, treats for the Puppyman from the Humane Society, and flowers for the house.


I love love love having fresh flowers in the house. Maybe by next year I will put some plants in so I can cut them myself out my front door but this is almost as good. Lovely roses that are still closed so I am hoping we can get a number of days out of them. There was a huge pile of leaves on the counter once I finished pruning them for the base but it was quick clean up.

Everything is turned green, flowers are budding, leaves of tulips, day lilies and iris are making their way up through the earth, teasing me with thought of blooms everywhere. The simple bush outside of my living room window is in need of trimming and shaping but it's tiny leaves make me gleeful as they burst through their pods.


In the mid afternoon we settled down to a lazy nap with the window open, a gentle breeze blowing on my skin, and the birds chirping, whirring a odd serenade. Having no where to be immediately we just laid there for a bit, the room still light, it felt almost like a vacation moment. Marcelle, "the baby of the babies", as TGF likes to call her, snuggled up against one then the other of us; sweetly nudging us for screeches scratches sucking up the attention while Wyatt laid against TGF, his front legs stretched out off the bed as if he were flying through the air.

I love spring.