tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-182492612024-03-07T19:13:35.246-05:00Dharma's UniverseA life examined,enjoyed, evolvingDharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.comBlogger710125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-76657771012578972952013-07-09T10:42:00.000-04:002013-07-09T10:42:04.868-04:00<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Which is why I am posting here.</span><div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br />I do not want to lose track of these words. While I struggle to find if, how, when astrology fits into my world view, my ethos, Rob Brezsny inspires me and rarely do the word for my sun and/or rising sign fail to resonate.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">LEO (</span><span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1032887680" style="background-color: white; border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">July 23-Aug. 22</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">): "It's never too late to become what you might</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">have been," said novelist George Eliot. I'd like you to keep that thought in</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">mind throughout the rest of 2013 and beyond, Leo. I trust you will allow</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">its sly encouragement to work its way down into your darkest depths,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">where it will revive your discouraged hopes and wake up your sleeping</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">powers. Here are the potential facts as I see them: In the next ten</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">months, you will be in prime time to reclaim the momentum you lost once</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">upon a time . . . to dive back into a beloved project you gave up on . . .</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">and maybe even resuscitate a dream that made your eyes shine when you</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">were younger and more innocent.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">LIBRA (</span><span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1032887682" style="background-color: white; border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">Sept. 23-Oct. 22</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">): According to my reading of the astrological</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">omens, the next 12 months will be a time when you will have more power</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">than usual to turn your dreams into realities. You'll have extra skill at</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">translating your ideals into practical action. To help make sure you</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">capitalize on this potential, I suggest you adopt this Latin phrase as your</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">motto: *a posse ad esse.* It means "from being possible to being actual."</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">So why not simply make your motto "from being possible to being</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">actual"? Why bother with the Latin version? Because I think your motto</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">should be exotic and mysterious -- a kind of magical incantation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The one about it never being too late strikes a deep chord as I am only now embarking, with feelings of great pressure and time lost, on my work as a therapist, and hopefully writer/presenter/teacher. However my dreams when I was younger and more innocent were far less fully envisioned; I suppose that is the benefit of dreams delayed, one has more time to carefully imagine details and considerations youth would have mislaid, ignored, or scoffed at - you know, like paying bills easily with a bit of money left over for regular fun and the occasional big expenditure like a trip to Thailand for 3 weeks. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My dreams and hopes are seriously intertwined, like trees in the Everglades - they are lush, full, a bit scary, can look haunted in the right light, and come in hundreds of colors and shades.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My immediate future is full of the scary and exciting - doing a two hour talk/presentation on sexual orientation/gender identity for my community, building a client base, looking for jobs, lots of writing ideas that haunt me as I try to drift off to sleep, and taking over a conference which will test my strengths of organization, networking, and fundraising, to illustrate some of my plans, hopes, dreams. All this on the background of financial worry, fears of aging, loss of people dear to me, excitement of finishing school (OMG I did it!), trying to finally explore the county I live in after a year of being here, and hoping my friends and community didn't desert me after my hermit like existence of the last two years. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It feels a bit like being on the edge of cliff, having faith that the winds will allow me to soar, while having the still the tiny but forceful voice that is terrified of how and where we might land.</span></div>
Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-75145929871489505342013-02-03T16:57:00.000-05:002013-02-03T16:57:32.769-05:00The edge of the world<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">No it's the world does not really have an edge, not literally but I feel like standing on the edge of a cliff. Time is that cliff, the future is that cliff. My life is half over and I feel like I'm too late.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am just getting started on the career I was supposed to have, meant to have, at least 15 years ago. I will probably never publish, never teach, never really do all the good I could have if I hadn't been caught up in, well myself, my baggage.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm old, tired, I have no retirement, I have no child, and I have no idea where I will be living or working in a few months. I love someone I can't make a commitment to and of whom I can't ask a commitment of.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The end of Grey's Anatomy, season 7 says so much about how I feel about being alone. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #5a5a5a; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 17px;">There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever . . .</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This is so unbelievably me, it and the whole episode, ended with me in tears. Listening to Meredith talk to the baby that she is bringing home, to an empty house had me wondering if I would be crazy to adopt. The answer is of course it's crazy and no one in their right mind would hand me a baby. I have not been able to fully process the choices, the realities that have left me a childless mother, with no spouse, with tens of thousands of student loans to repay. I am not sure I can. It is just too much. There is so much grief around the parenthood thing, leaving what was in many ways a good enough marriage with a wonderful person, the loss of people, chances, and youth.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yes, in many ways, I would be better off not being in a relationship but is that reason enough to leave. Yes, in many ways I would be a really good parent but is that reason enough to to do it. Yes, in many ways I will be an excellent clinician, but can I make way, earn my keep by doing that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am standing on the edge of cliff, trying to not to fall.</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-63117134992629219372012-11-30T19:39:00.001-05:002012-11-30T19:39:50.624-05:00Made it!<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yeah! I did all <a href="http://www.blogher.com/blogher-topics/blogging-social-media/nablopomo" target="_blank">30 days this year</a>, which kind of makes up for last year's screw up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Today I participated in the monthly Trans Supervision and presented one of my cases for feedback - very helpful. Plus hearing about some of the other cases was very helpful. As I mentioned yesterday, I am really learning so much this year.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Also, in case any of you are interested I am working on helping with this conference in Albany on <a href="http://www.transeventsusa.org/empire/" target="_blank">transgender issues</a>. Friday will be a provider day focusing on attending needs and education for medical providers and mental health workers as well. Hope to see you there!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #1d1d1d; font-family: 'Bitstream Vera Sans Mono', 'Courier New', monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><a href="http://www.nablopomo.com/"><img alt="NaBloPoMo November 2012" height="150" src="https://www.blogher.com/files/NaBloPoMo_teaser.jpg" width="175" /></a></span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-26838699928729489012012-11-29T21:53:00.001-05:002012-11-29T21:53:42.103-05:00In which our heroine considers her luck<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Internships by their nature are difficult, some have a steep learning curve, others move slow as molasses, it can feel like one is doing less than thrilling work for no pay (which often is the case - see the definition of internship). Last year I learned a great deal at my internship, I learned so much about myself, faced fears, and gained a greater appreciation of elders.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This year's is not a lot different, only I am doing actual therapy with clients, have my own caseload, working with a great population, and I am really digging the other interns.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But my clients! Oh my! I cannot believe how much I enjoy them, seriously. This does not mean they are easy, that they do not have massive concerns, and heavy pasts because they do. Even the ones I thought I would never feel connected to, or really invest in, I really find some joy, something fascinating about working with them. They each really challenge me in my skills, they encourage me to research more, to question my assumptions, and to daily wonder if I am doing my best with them. I realize there is no perfect treatment, that the likelihood of doing real harm, but I want to make a difference, in a positive way. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am still amazed by this journey.</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-88806923854655246822012-11-28T20:26:00.000-05:002012-11-28T20:26:21.046-05:00Technology is weird<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Right now I am on Skype for a meeting that is happening less than 90 miles away but between my schedule and gas prices, I'm here in Albany. In order for them to hear me, I am going through the PA system at my friends' house who is hosting. Apparently I am sounding omniscient according to the blessed Tara which I am enjoying the image of. Another person is on the phone in another state but she was having trouble hearing me - so they moved "us" closer. Not sure how but it's all rather amusing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We are reviewing an event that we did back in October - finally doing our wrap up meeting. So many things to consider in a world where the special snowflakes {TM} do not predominant in terms in numbers but certainly in effort for those of us who work hard to make these things happen. The other problem we face is trying to please everyone, which simply isn't possible. The flip side of that is people, as a whole think of themselves first and foremost so things like food cause problems because they forget their are others needing to eat. Not making sense here, but trust me, in my head, it works.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Bah. Back to the meeting. See y'all tomorrow.</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-25610841224045598512012-11-27T20:48:00.002-05:002012-11-27T20:48:54.625-05:00A "B" gets the degree<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Some of you out there, like the 2 who don't personally know but read this blog, may not know this, but I am very competitive. With myself. Really. It's a good thing that I'm not two actual selves, because when I lose, I am mean and bitter. When I don't make the grade I think I should (which, honestly, is always an A), I am not pleasant to be around. I tried to amend this thinking the first time in graduate school by choosing a program that doesn't give letter grades. It worked. A bit. I suppose it helped, maybe.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Before school started a number of people told me not to focus on the grade, not to push so hard, that "B gets the degree", that no one was ever going to ask for my GPA, the initials after my name would be what counted. I really tried to absorb that. My best friend said that if he could change one thing about his graduate school experience it would be to not work so hard on maintaining a 4.0 (as if I could even thing about that!) and enjoy the experience more. Blah, blah. Easy for him to say all these years later.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This time around, I am in a program that gives real grades, not narrative evaluations. I replayed the mantra in my mind, over and over. I tried to cut myself slack because I was also dealing with Lyme disease that fall. The first semester I knew I was barely getting by in Social Welfare Policy. I mean I got the concepts, totally grasped the evaluation tool when I read about it, but putting it all together? Not so much. My final grade was a B, and I sucked it up. But it was hard, seriously hard. Worse was the A- in Macro - what did I mess up on the final? I must have missed something, right? Hadn't I been running a solid A? Maybe I miscalculated. Seriously it kept me up at night. Eventually I got back to sleep because push come to shove I still had 3.68 GPA, not really that bad. (For the record, because I <i>am</i> this crazed on the topic, my spring GPA was 3.93.And again, I lost sleep over the one A-. See, competitive and must have the rest of the world acknowledge that I'm not a loser.) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Then on Sunday I got my grade for a reflective paper that rocked my world and caused me serious angst - an 80. AN 80! WTF! I <i><b>don't</b></i> get 80 on papers. The comments said things like I didn't reference the videos enough, that perhaps if I had done an outline (for a 5 page <i>reflective</i> frigging paper which had five questions that needed to be responded to which I goddamn covered!), blah, blah. If I really owned up to my reaction, it was not the pissed at the professor I as I was touting. I was peeved at myself for not doing better, for not putting more effort into it. This is always my response - even when I get an 98. Seriously. I might have a tiny problem here. Today in class I found that at least two other students, who also "never" get 80, got exactly that on the paper, which of course made me feel much better. The professor then spoke about her grading methodology and apparently the only A's she gives out is for work far above her expectation for graduate work and a B was for solid, very good work that would be what she would expect from excellent work from a grad student. Sigh. Okay, once again I will work on letting go of my competition with myself (which desperately wants that 4.0 to top the spring semester's GPA). It is an ongoing exercise in all facets of my life - I could have done better, spent more time, done it perfectly, been more compassionate, and on and on and on. Apparently I am still perfectionism's bitch.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-28035971819663890112012-11-26T20:54:00.000-05:002012-11-26T20:54:30.767-05:00Tackling those pesky realities<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Today I finally wrote letters and made copies of documents to send to the IRS for tax years 2010 and 2011. In a state of confusion, back in October, I opened mail from them regarding 2011 which said they were about to levy my bank account, and the other piece of mail from them for 2011 state I might be eligible for a refund due to Earned Income Credit. UGH. Now to pop them in the mail.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Once I arrived home I called the IRS about the mess of 2008, for which they claim I owe them scads of money, something around 9% of what I earned. Sigh. About a month ago I stopped a levy of my account but put off following up on it. In a panic from yesterday with the boot on my car for unpaid parking tickets (for which I hacked up $440 to get it removed), a terrible grade and blistering comments on a paper, I figured I best contact the IRS before they set out to levy my account again. Last month the fellow I spoke to said he didn't know why the charge was so high (it should have been about $750 before fees and penalities - I've ignored this for a long time, but started at over a grand). The suggestion was to call their Examination department. Dutifully I called that number, and the woman on the other end of the phone said she could find nothing about this account, that it was closed - meaning they were done with it and gave me another number to call. Okay, 20 minutes gone. Called the next number where that woman said I was in the wrong department, but that she would help me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Imagine my surprise when the first thing she found was that, according to them, I never filed my 2007 taxes. Really? Not true, I replied, not only did I file them on time but in 2009 I sent in an amendment. Sigh. Okay, I need to resend my paperwork from that year now, then wait about two weeks and send the amendment paperwork. Ugh. After we resolved that lovely bit of utter nonsense we moved on to the other years. I told her that I had mailed paperwork about 2010 and 2011, which included a potential refund rather than owing them money. She very nicely put a 60 hold on my accounts to give me time for them to review everything and at that point I could work out a payment plan, should I still owe them money. No doubt I will but hopefully not $1700!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Now I can breathe a little easier since I no longer have to worry about scads of money disappearing. Also on another upside, I had entered a little blog comment contest and won! So now I get to chose an e-booklet of knitting patterns. Since I already have 9 months (made Gramps for the nephew as his first knitted thing from me), I will choose this <a href="http://www.tincanknits.com/collection-pacificknits.html" target="_blank">book</a>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Also last night I did a new manicure and LOVE <a href="http://www.sallybeauty.com/nail-polish/SBS-709240,default,pd.html" target="_blank">this color</a>! On my screen the color of the bottle is closer than the nail sample in this photo. I think I will be using this color a lot.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Small things make me happy, which is good, because my budget doesn't leave room for big things.</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-44823983202284085782012-11-25T19:50:00.000-05:002012-11-25T19:50:03.347-05:00The home stretch<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In more ways than one! It's day 25 of <a href="http://www.blogher.com/sign-novembers-nablopomo-and-join-blogging-party" target="_blank">NaBloPoMo</a> and the end of my semester is quickly approaching. Also the IRS will be levying my account any minute because I did not send those blasted letters or call the whatsis center about three different tax years in the past 30 days. Sheesh. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The IRS fiasco is just, well, going to be hell. I may be eating nothing but rice shortly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Not going well was heading out the door to go to the </span><a href="http://www.hwfc.com/" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;" target="_blank">co-op</a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> and discovering a boot on my car. Sigh. Unpaid parking tickets, only a few, honest. So much for veggies and my 10% student discount. Paid the tickets online, but when I went to call them police to see about having the boot removed, of course there was no answer. Looks like a lot of walking tomorrow. Having never had this happen before, I have no idea what is entailed in getting the device removed. Really, I could have lived my entire life without ever having this lesson in such things. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The end of the semester with a maybe two weeks without classes and internship are looking delicious right now, though I know they will fly by far too quickly. However I plan on taking advantage of the ability to sleep in, to not have a paper to write, an article to read, or a modality to research. Perhaps I will be able to spend some time further rearranging and creating storage options out of thin air in my tiny and cute apartment.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Still have four major papers to write and three short ones. Dang. The up side of this is that the only things are outstanding are two of the short pieces. For my field evaluation I do need to write a process recording but I suppose I can do that fairly easily. Really in the scheme of things, much better than the last two semesters. Plus I haven't yet missed a day of NaBloPoMo, last year I missed two days by this point I think. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Hm, what else is going well? Oh, I've been eating much better this semester than before, almost ever before. Lots and lots of veggies. I still really like my place and neighborhood, which is really good news. There is definitely things to adjust to by living in an apartment again after so many years of not. There are things I miss about living with a wood stove but waking up to a place at 50F degrees is not one of them!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Back to work for me.</span><br />
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<br />Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-8548174433805791222012-11-24T21:33:00.001-05:002012-11-24T21:33:55.182-05:00Nice timing<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sitting alone, eating a bit of oatmeal for breakfast on Thanksgiving morning, I turned on the tv (the joy of visiting those that have one!), thinking "Oh, maybe I'll catch a few minutes of the Ma*y*s Thanksgiving parade." I have fond memories from childhood watching this on television but never had much desire to actually stand on the streets and watch it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Imagine my delight when I tuned in just in time to catch the number from Nice Work If You Can Get it, since my cousin is in that show. This makes at least the second time he has performed during the parade. It really is thrilling to watch someone you know in such a setting, as I have mentioned about Jeff <a href="http://dharmarants.blogspot.com/2006/10/new-york-adventure.html" target="_blank">in the past</a>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So that's how my Thursday started, and it was lovely.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.metatube.com/en/videos/160571/Macy-s-Thanksgiving-Day-Parade-2012-Nice-Work-if-You-Can-Get-It/embed/" width="420"></iframe></span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-30646853356200625622012-11-23T16:00:00.002-05:002012-11-23T16:00:50.044-05:00Vulnerability<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Many months ago I heard this, I no longer remember how I had come across it, but I found it so good, so true, so me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Her concepts about taking that leap, investing without knowing the outcome are things I have been struggling with for some time. In fact it resonates a bit with a conversation my sweetheart and I were having yesterday. We do not really name our relationship, we do not refer to one another with any titles, as well we are both in similar and different places with regards to our fear of defining a future for the "us". </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It also resonates with some of my thinking about my clients, taking a leap with them on their journey. <a href="http://www.brenebrown.com/" target="_blank">Brown</a> mentions a social work expression of "leaning into the pain", and later reframes in as "leaning into the joy". This is interesting when I consider the situation of two of my clients where it is hard to find the joy in their worlds. They are so bound by circumstance, isolation, mental illness (we will leave aside the arguments about that expression and its various meanings). With people so entrenched in the social services system the regularly depersonalizes experiences and interactions, where is it safe to explore your vulnerability? When you have been betrayed by family, those who should be a safe haven, where do you find that life raft of compassion? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I do not have quite the barriers to being vulnerable in that I know there are people who deeply care for me, that ask me to be more exposed - making clear they will help me from leaking over the edges of myself. My jetties are self constructed from fear, disappointment and hurt than from systematic rocks like my clients. My work, as I have <a href="http://dharmarants.blogspot.com/2012/11/therapizing-oneself.html" target="_blank">dwelled on</a> here just recently (and ad nauseum throughout the history of this blog) is to keep trying to push past these barriers, to install windows and doors in my walls.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.ideachampions.com/weblogs/archives/2010/06/security_is_mos.shtml" target="_blank">This site</a> has some quotes, that while many are trite, convey the direction I am trying to move into, bit by bit, day by day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Always more to learn about oneself, isn't there? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" mozallowfullscreen="mozallowfullscreen" scrolling="no" src="http://embed.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html" webkitallowfullscreen="webkitallowfullscreen" width="560"></iframe></span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-50540964800115563202012-11-22T20:52:00.003-05:002012-11-22T20:52:26.089-05:00If I had all the time in the world<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Things I would knit:</span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">a flamingo for Aileen</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">a hippo for Nev</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">a penguin for Timbre and Nomi</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">a mouse for Sunny</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">lots of toys for my nephew, and clothes</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">a llama for Greg</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">gloves for Timbre</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">more socks for Sunny</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">something sweet and perfect for Hannah</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">a great hat for Aileen</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">legwarmers for Nev</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">hiking socks for Greg</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">the hat I've wanted to make for Janet, for YEARS!</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">oh, and some things for me</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Things I would cook/bake</span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">sweet potato pie</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">gluten free bread</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">lemon curd</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">all the things from </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Baking-Julia-Savor-Americas-Bakers/dp/0688146570" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;" target="_blank">Baking with Julia</a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, I did a couple many years ago but never made it very far</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">pesto</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">pad thai</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">artisan breads every week</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">complicated, multi-layered Indian and Thai recipes</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Things I would read:</span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">this list is so long, seriously there are 489 (and counting) books on my "to read" over on Goodreads, however, in reviewing that list I have found that I have read 4 (Redwall #1, Cunt [which is SO terrible, I haven't been able to make myself finish it!], Stone Butch Blues, and one more that I don't remember now) of them that have been on the list since 2008! Also currently making my way through one that's been on the list for 3 years (Whipping Girl).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">all the Disc World books</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But for now, I will tuck intothe things I can, in the time I have between school, internship, work, volunteer commitments, cooking for sustenance, sleeping, and sometimes being social.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-46081623534504943292012-11-21T23:24:00.000-05:002012-11-21T23:24:28.138-05:00Thanksgiving Eve<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Well, once again it's the holiday season which brings up a lot of mixed feelings for me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yes, I am seeing someone, but the long term future of that is very unsure (yes, I feel this way despite that the relationship has been going on for two years), so what does it mean for me to spend the holidays with my sweetheart's family again? No idea. It's not just a matter of it being better than alone, alone is fine with me. I like family occasions, there is something sweet about them for me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I like my sweetheart's family, I have lucked out a number of times of having affection for my partners' family, but I miss what mine used to look like; and as I'm sure I have mentioned a few times (I am not going to look <i>all</i> the times, because it's a theme) that I long for a familiarity of my own partnership and a self-created, joint-created traditions. At this age, with my history, it seems unlikely I will have that consistency. Certainly nothing about my life demonstrates anything like of regularity, patterns, long term - well long term anything in many ways. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I might be getting tired of the roller coaster or some other great metaphor that is my life. On one hand I totally love so many facets of my life, the fluidity, my ease of changing course. Perhaps it's the aging factor that is shifting my perceptions, my longing for something more sedate. However would I be bored if I get, created what I think I am missing? Honestly, I probably would but that doesn't mean I wouldn't love something about a new lifestyle. Every choice means there is something not chosen - another theme that one could find in the banality that is this blog.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yeah, another bittersweet time for our heroine.</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-9762100474084450472012-11-20T23:51:00.001-05:002012-11-20T23:51:15.264-05:00Transgender Day of Remembrance<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">November 20, 2012 is TDOR. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Last week I was doing research of transgender people who have been murdered this year to prep for the Pride Center's event. This is not the most uplifting of projects to undertake; in fact it is depressing, sad, and angering.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This year the youngest transperson murdered, that I am aware of, was 16 at the time of their death. 16 years old.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The speakers at the event were passionate, loving, angry, supportive - in short all that they needed to be.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We came together in a circle for a candlelight vigil portion - using little battery operated candles. Someone walked around with little bios of some of the victims of hatred. We went around taking our turn reading these snippets, ringing a Tibetan bowl at the end of each short life story. It was hard not to have sobs rise up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My reading said: Secil Anne was a young trans woman who lived in Antalya, Turkey. She was brutally murdered in July and is one victim in an onslaught of violence against transgender women in Turkey over the last few years. Dozens of trans people and allies gathered outside her apartment upon hearing of her death. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It is estimated that 256 trans people have been murdered in 2012. This is a <a href="http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/11/15/1197081/worldwide-transgender-murders-increased-by-20-percent-in-2012/?mobile=nc" target="_blank">20% increase</a> of the prior year. This <a href="http://www.care2.com/causes/its-time-to-remember-265-trans-people-murdered-in-2012.html" target="_blank">link</a> provides some more data, that while depressing, is important. In doing the research for this event, and listening to the readings tonight it is clear that more transwomen than transmen are victims in these murders, many of them are transwomen of color in the United States.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Do not let these deaths be in vain. Educate yourself, speak up against bias, mentor, befriend, listen to LGBT people who come your way. </span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-74148947706527696202012-11-19T21:28:00.000-05:002012-11-19T21:28:09.159-05:00Political Infidelity<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Did Patraeus step down because he had an affair, or because it was discovered, or because he may have said things to his beloved that breach confidentiality? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Was Eliot Spitzer booted out because he had sex with prostitutes? If he didn't "pay" for sex, would he have been hounded out of office?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The attack on Clinton was because of extra-marital affair, really? You think?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There are dozens of other examples, and examples of other countries not caring about monogamy on the part of it's leaders, but here in the United States our puritanical roots are showing no matter how much bleach we use. Often the argument is that if our leaders cannot fidelitious to their spouses then how can they be trusted to run a country. It seems to me that personal values are being confused with the ethos that are need to keep a nation from war, to be culturally wise when dealing with world leaders, to begin to balance a ridiculous budget, and to even begin to understand our tax code. Sex is about intimacy, release, coping with stress, hormones, culture, power, and fun. Jobs of leadership are frequently not fun, stressful, full of surface comradery - seems a perfect recipe to want fun, exciting, nothing to do with your work.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It seems likely that all people slip up in telling state secrets, the larger issue may be whether we can trust their bedmates not to sell them. But why assume the other woman or man, is any more dishonorable then the spouse on this issue? Spouse testify against one another all the time. It's possible that agreements of silence are signed, but that could be done with the lovers as well, couldn't? But no, because <i>these</i> are passionate, because they need the breath of fresh air of someone who is not connected to the swirling morass of complexity, because OhMyGod they like <span style="font-size: xx-small; font-style: italic;">sex! </span>They need to be condemned.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I would like to be more articulate on this matter and write a lovely diatribe on the anti-sex nation that we live in but it's not going to happen. Consider this an incoherent rant by an exhausted graduate student who has a presentation tomorrow, and a quiz due by tomorrow night, a house to clean, and key problem to solve before leaving town on Wednesday.</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-13944683488412097012012-11-18T18:48:00.000-05:002012-11-18T18:48:09.464-05:00In which, the problem grows<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Well, it happened. I'm slipping down the rabbit hole. Somehow I came home with 6 bottles of nail polish today, including a glitter {shudder}. This only proves how far the mighty can fall. Sigh. In my tepid defense it seemed the silver glitter would be a nice one coat of the color that I though was black but really be a very, <i>very</i> dark teal green, or something. It's name is "Mystery" and apparently it's because it's hard to know what color it is. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In the meantime I think I will be painting my nails a peacock shimmery blue tonight. But later this week, I think it will be one of the dark reds I came home with since my sweetheart stated that "dark, sexy, or classic" will produce "swoons". I think dark red qualifies for all that. I intend to take full advantage of the effect.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But in the meantime my nail polish collection has gone from one bottle that has been unopened for over three years, then there were three new bottles a few weeks ago. There is a new bottle waiting for me in my post office box, and went shopping today. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I fear there will be dotting tools in my future. Oh heavens!</span><br />
<br />Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-19878149655659929062012-11-17T20:00:00.001-05:002012-11-17T20:00:29.546-05:00Some days are just a bit blue<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It's true, some days I am just fine, others rather happy - like yesterday. Then today, somehow just blah, bordering on sad.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Actually it still amazes me how many emotions I can experience in a day. Maybe when one pays attention, stays present it's easier to notice these thing. Certainly that is a nice, more "evolved" take on my moods. The other option is that I am not very stable, which given various things is a fear that I still harbor. Crazy sort of runs in my family and every once in a while, I wonder if I might succumb. Honestly I wasn't concerned with that today, but in reflecting on the day, and recent times, I realize that it still is underneath, buried, a fear that sometimes flashes itself in the sunlight. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm sure tomorrow will be just fine, the little fuzzy buster of calm will crawl back into the corner.</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-30309542456976107622012-11-16T17:30:00.000-05:002012-11-16T17:30:10.686-05:00Drive by posting<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Good and long day, doing a <a href="http://www.albany.edu/ssw/Academic/sogi.shtml" target="_blank">SOGI </a>event at the University today. Caitlin Ryan spoke about the <a href="http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/" target="_blank">Family Acceptance Project</a>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm home briefly to take a breath and then a few of us are doing out to dinner with Caitlin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Mostly I am excited about sleeping in tomorrow, doing laundry (seriously out of thing!) and maybe redoing my nails. Yes, I'm still trying to keep my nails nice and taking care of them. The other night I painted them with China Glaze's On Deck. On one hand (ha!) it seems a silly thing to be investing in given my schedule. Ditto wearing nice make up a bit more. However I am viewing as a bit of self care that feels nice, that even gets complimented sometimes (which is nice, I admit), so mostly I think it's a good thing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Going to a team meeting for a client on Monday, h</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">ave a presentation to prep a bit for that happens on Tuesday, have a quiz due Tuesday, and going to the <a href="http://www.capitalpridecenter.org/events/eventdetail.cfm?eID=876" target="_blank">Pride Center's Transgender Day of Remembrance</a> that evening. Whew!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">All this might explain why I have no idea what I'm doing on Thanksgiving - other than having totally forgotten about letting a friend stay at my place for part of that weekend! Brain? Memory? Huh? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yeah, that's my life right now. Okay, got to get ready to head back out! See ya on the flip side. Or something like that!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-85179636661701997702012-11-15T19:36:00.003-05:002012-11-15T19:36:53.331-05:00Overwhelmed and honored by my clients<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have had some really deep, profound moments with my clients lately. It is leaving me really, well the title says it. The responsibility that comes with the exposure then have given me, is awe-inspiring. There is reading about therapeutic alliance, and then there is experiencing it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">One client is "a real bad as"s - that's a quote from the psychiatrist that has been working with this person for sixteen years, and it's accurate. Really tough character, very no bullshit (a word that is heard frequently in our sessions), softer emotions do not really appear. Survival is the key word here. Today, I sensed a deeper sadness more at the surface today. Taking a risk I noted it, dropped it, picked it back up a few times, mirrored the client's language. My client really exposed some emotional content. At the end of the session, the client asked if they could hug me. This feels huge for this person, like enormous - a literally and metaphorical reaching out. Blown away.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Another client is a teen but functions several years younger than chronological age - really sweet in a number of ways. The client was asking me some personal questions, which while I answered honestly, I also answered a bit incompletely, to keep boundaries. One question was whether I was married, "no, but I was". This led me to ask the client if they thought they ever wanted to get married - "yes". In asking about what kind of person they would marry - someone who talked a lot, or worked a lot, etc. The response, I want someone to love me, for me. The sweetness, the awareness, of the answer just made my heart burst.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">These moments are not ones I expected to have, at least not yet; these moments are the ones I had stored in my hope chest for the day I was a "real therapist". It is amazing to have them now, to already have a client tell me how they were angry at me for "bringing that stuff up" - which of course is my job. To experience counter-transference and be aware of it, trying face this stuff head on, it almost makes me feel like I might be ready for this work. Well as ready as anyone can be, this is work where some element of it is like starting anew every time you have that initial appointment. I find that as exciting as I find it terrifying - the challenge is so ripe, the hope so big, the possibilities so endless.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I want to remember this feeling of awe, of having my heart touched as I continue this work because I know there will be days, weeks, where the work won't go there, when it will feel more rote, even a bit hopeless. It is wise, I think, to remember that those glistening moments of connection are worth so much more than the days of bleakness.</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-74542820353576492722012-11-14T20:30:00.001-05:002012-11-14T20:30:45.489-05:00In which I am still tired<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It's true, I lead such an exciting life, that's why.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Ha, if only.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Long day, tomorrow will be long, Friday exceptionally long. The idea that Saturday I can sleep in is exciting to the nth degree right now. Except that if I sleep until 11am I will berate myself for doing so. Argh.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Since I last posted I have given a bit more thought to <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/210647585626205/" target="_blank">SWARE</a> and a project for the spring to aid the <a href="http://www.aliforneycenter.org/" target="_blank">Ali Forney Center</a>, spoke to my supervisor about it extremely briefly and she's all for it. So if any of you have some brilliant ideas for a fundraiser in Albany, please let me know. We are thinking about a performance or dance, or something!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Okay, gotta finish a paper.</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-79183469804812509382012-11-13T19:35:00.000-05:002012-11-13T19:35:40.019-05:00There simply aren't enough hours in the day<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sitting in the meeting of the Dean's Kitchen Cabinet meeting today that is the thought that I kept coming back to for about an hour straight. Through a cascade of things I am the current president of SWARE (Social Workers Advocating Respect and Equality for LBGT), a very new official student government organization at the School of Social Welfare. There are only three such groups, and I represent one of them! OMG. Dang. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It's a good thing I'm good at picking up on things and figured out some things to say during this meeting of a whopping 7 people, including the Dean. Really it would be fabulous if I could figure out a way that SWARE could contribute to efforts to help rebuild the <a href="http://www.aliforneycenter.org/" target="_blank">Ali Forney Center</a>, as that would be the most logical place for this mostly imaginary student organization to put it's efforts. Perhaps over the winter break I can talk to folks at the Pride Center on ways to do something. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In the meantime, go to the Ali Forney website and donate if you can. </span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-62525633685673348932012-11-12T21:41:00.002-05:002012-11-12T21:41:51.320-05:00Cannot shut down<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Today my body said, loudly, emphatically, "NAP". So I did, but I should have woken sooner. My brain and I have this habit of having dreams, waking but refusing to actually <i>get up</i>, which leaves me falling back to sleep and having dreams which make me wish I had simply leapt out bed earlier and giving up on more sleep.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In this afternoon's dream I was living in an apartment, dorm type thing. Somehow my apartment turned into some kind open invite place, music blasting into the halls. But I wasn't making the music happen, though it had started on my computer. Or something like that. It was feeling a bit out of control, two men in my apartment, where there was some kind of "this could be an unsafe situation" vibe that I got under control relatively easily in getting them to leave without much effort. My roommate came into the apartment saying the landlord had spoken to her about the music and how I needed to get it under control; to which I said "but I didn't do it, I don't have the equipment to produce this noise". Still and all I went to my laptop and proceeded to try to shut it off, which I sort of did but then the computer kept playing different channels, like a tv, whenever I finally succeeded in shutting off one program there was yet another one playing. It took forever to shut off a given channel and there was always at least another one on.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Upon waking, I thought, the laptop with all the noise and channels is like my brain. I have so much trouble "shutting it down" enough to sleep. How bad is it to have a dream about how hard it is to let go, which is the very thing you fight with every time you try to sleep and hope for restful dreams? Ugh!</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-539068071097170952012-11-11T23:28:00.002-05:002012-11-11T23:28:45.604-05:00Reflecting <span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This weekend was a visioning event for my community, my family of choice, my tribe. During the time there I went through a lot of different feelings, felt adrift, alone, frustrated, warm</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">ed, light, encouraged, inspired, and did I mention frustrated.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It may seem that my mentioning of frustration twice is a negative, it is not, it is reflective of how when you have a group of 40 people who are committed to an entity, to something key to their being, there is a challenge in remembering how different you each are, how you spin in and out of seeing the similarities, and where you go bump in the night against each other's boundaries, fears, and hopes. Growing is not easy, it is hard, frustrating is a good word for that task, and that is largely what I feel like we did this weekend. There is enormous comfort in what we know, a feeling constrained by what there is, a trust that is needed to go beyond in one direction, and retreat in another because it's not quite time to shift.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Perhaps more vulnerably I noted, and spoke of, how I feel at the end of events of my tribe: bereft. I cannot wait for closing circles to end, the antsy, "is it over yet- think of a child desperately asking, "are we there <i>yet</i>?" and you are close to my about-to-jump-out-of-skin feeling as the leader of the circle speaks lovely words about us, our time together, hope for our next gathering. I was asked if I always felt this way. It was hard to think back to my early days, but after a moment of thought, yes, I always hated this part, the looming sense of loneliness, unmoored, naked skin exposed to icy winds. When I remember this, it's amazing I came back into the fold over a dozen years ago and cannot imagine ever deserting this family again. Every weekend event, every camp holds almost every emotion possible for me, and always closes with this mourning. A sense that I did not get everything I could from the experience, that I will never have that opportunity again, that any moment of our time together when I felt bolstered up will never return.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Writing this out, I wonder at what this really points to, and why I ever return. Is it for the fleeting moments of basking in the love that wafts by like a delightful warm autumn breeze surprising you with its caress, unexpected in mid-October with it's scent of summer? Do I hope that one day I will not need these people, so every ending is a hope to not return? Am I recreating something ancient from my childhood? That all seems possible, perhaps likely. Can I live with that truth, that I will never fully heal, that each time with my tribe is like my personal trip to Lourdes, a pilgrimage of faith that each time I leave a bit bit more whole.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This might be my best interpretation of why I plunge in over and over, recommit my time, my energy, and my heart to this group. It is my antidote to my hermit tendencies, it counteracts my drive to be so independent that I stop connections, it stretches my capacity to trust in others. My community is a mirror of my light and my shadow, and it does its best to reflect back to me all that I can still be, and all that community can be.</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-23385561070038150362012-11-10T19:05:00.001-05:002012-11-10T19:05:10.217-05:00Even more tired, today<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This weekend is a visioning weekend for an organization that I am very committed to and is my family.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It has been a very exhausting day! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But wait!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There's more tomorrow.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Gah.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But I'm still glad that I'm here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I think.</span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-62523931640179708452012-11-09T22:15:00.001-05:002012-11-09T22:15:53.659-05:00How to tell you are an overtired intern<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Easy for me to know that I am. Today I slept in a just a bit, still plenty of time to make my meeting. Ran out of the apartment to drive, parked my car, dashed over to purchase coffee, briskly walked back and up the stairs....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Only to find no one else there. Looking around the room, I remembered the last words of my supervisor as I left at 7:30pm, "See you next week, Dharma." Dammit all to hell. Came back home, checked my google calendar. Yep, I was the <i>only</i> one on the group calendar that had the meeting list. Argh.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I finally had a Friday with no burning deadlines, unless I was to head to Western Massachusetts for a visioning meeting and I unnecessarily stressed. I might need a vacation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The other day, feeling very tired, I said to my sweetheart, "I can sleep when I'm dead, right? Or after I graduate, whichever comes first." I long for several days of good sleep. Lately I have had very stressed filled dreams, more waking, and simply being tired most of the time. This morning's last dream was me trying to drag myself to class, and debating what was the worst that could happen if I missed <i>just this one time</i>. I was arguing the risks of not going, despite being on top of my work (which in waking like I.AM.NOT!), and that it was likely I wouldn't really miss that much - but what if today was THE day when it would be crucial. See? Even sleeping I can't stop working, worrying, second guessing myself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I so need some time off.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18249261.post-47045235374477870642012-11-08T21:13:00.000-05:002012-11-08T21:13:34.163-05:00In which I'm still not Virginia, but Damn, I'm good!<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yesterday I was bemoaning how I may never be as magical, authentic, and great as Virginia. However today I had a first taste of success as a therapist.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This was the very first client I started with this semester, today was our 5th or 6th session. The client lost their spouse less than six months ago and came to counseling to work on grief issues. Last week we talked about anniversaries, holidays, all the fun triggers; we focused a lot on Thanksgiving and a bit on Christmas. As it happened last week was the X month anniversary of the quick and sudden decline of the spouse, so it was a sad session.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Today my client walked in and said, Last Friday I was really mad at you. I thought about not coming. I cursed you for bringing up all that stuff, like thinking Friday about the service on Sunday. I mean, couldn't I just ignore all that?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Inside I jumped up and down, thinking gleefully - I did it! My client got angry at me, thought about not coming back and came anyway. Blamed me for bringing up all that stuff that's inside there anyway, whether we talk about it or no. Go me!!!!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Later I had the client fill out the <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10848088" target="_blank">Two Track Model of Bereavement Questionnaire</a> because I am using this case for my Evaluation of Clinical Practice class. I read it with tears in my eyes. So sad, the loss is so big. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I feel like I might actually be a good therapist one day. </span>Dharmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15287211332036241240noreply@blogger.com0