Life is all around

Today, upon exiting my cabin, I scared the last fledgling that had just left the nest next to my door. The little critter was on the grass just past the porch and was startled into a hopping, not quite flying motion before settling back on the grass a few feet away. (You can see a small black box if you look up for the string of the sky chair, which is the speaker, perched atop that is the nest.)

Last summer the nest was empty, th

is year every time I left my home, or crossed onto the porch, the mama bird swooped out of the nest, flying to a nearby tree. A few weeks ago the high pitched squawking announced that hatching had occurred. I believe there were 2-3 of the little beings.

This

last one grew visibly in the last week, becoming less gawky looking as time progressed. He, or she would cling to the nest and flap it's wings

wildly in the last few days, but still afraid, or not strong enough to unclench it's claws from the twiggy mess.

Later today, I discovered Dora, the cat of the main house has gone and killed me a mouse - a fat one at that. Still later, I startled a fawn just on the other side of the fencing that protects the gardens. So much nature here, I love it.

All this development reminds me of all the gro

wing I've done in the last two years, and especially the last year since taking residence here at the cabin (the blessed abode for which I am grateful for every.single.day). Though I haven't written a great deal in the last several months, so much continues to shift inside, and out. This week is my last at my Crime Victims Assistance Program job - I am terribly sad about leaving. There is SO much more for me to learn and I really like it there. It has been amazing to discover I can like a job, especially one that is close to my chosen field. Later this month I will find out about my internship placement - which has me excited and a bit nervous. A month after that school starts. A whole new journey, one long in coming. I feel ready for school this time around in a fashion that I didn't have before - determination is a word that floats around my head a good deal when thinking about this program.

Life just keeps moving forward.

Meeting Exhaustion

at it's face. However the meeting, because yes there really was one, was a good one. It is good to meet with people you care about on a personal level as well as a professional one.

Following the meeting we are looking to have a snuggle party {tm} at Aileen's. I'm looking forward to it.

That's all for now folks.

Almost Blew It

It's been a crazy, odd time zone kind of day what with the time change, the weekend event, plans shifting at the turn of a corner and a face wanting time, accommodating newly emerged needs but somehow I am managing to post before midnight, barely.

The weekend was a successful, from what we can tell financially and it certainly seems from the responses many of the organizers heard, it was emotionally successful in that it fed people's need for a DNE dose as winter begins to emerge and the long stretch of cold is before us and dance camp seems far away. Overall I am please with how things went but per my usual I was concocting a "next time" document and the bones of time line for 2011.

My out of town dear friends leave in the morning which is bittersweet, it was such a treat having them on my turf for a change, and there isn't much likelihood of all of them returning soon. At least they were able to see a bit of why I adore where I am as much as I do and play hostess just a tiny bit by offering soup and wine.

Given the weekend, late hours, and the damn daylight savings time my body clock is feeling very off kilter. Tomorrow begins a buckling down of work - school and A&A as well as some DNE. If I use my time wisely I can also begin to make notes on the NY Weekend. Of course I will need to blog as well.

Thus ends the first week of NaBloPoMo, year 5 I believe.

In the early dark light

Sitting here watching the light change, darkening early with the storm of snow drifting in heavier once again, I am enjoying knowing that I am alone, completely right now. It is a lovely combination, no reason to leave this house right now, except perhaps to walk the tenth of a mile to the mailbox, so I can just sit, and zone out, contemplate, watch tv, read, nap, work, or pet the cat. It is a sweet freedom for which I am grateful.

It is a unique confluence of opportunities that has put me here, where I can ponder, reflect and check my center after a delightful, sometimes challenging long visit with BC. We had eight weeks together, doing various holidays where we recreated old traditions and began to carve out new ones together - testing the waters of what a family together might look like. We even had the opportunity to experience a family vacation by going to Disney World, under the guise of BC running the marathonroller coasters for the first time defying my decades old stance of I don't like them, don't do them, have no interest. It turns out they are fun and I rode them like they were nothing. Few screams of alarm leapt out of my mouth, but essentially I just simply enjoyed the sensations. I also challenge my identity of "I don't like amusement parks." It is true they are never going to be my first choice but I can learn how to loosen up and enjoy the moment, especially when with BC and TK.

Since leaving last Tuesday morning it has been a world wind of traveling about. I discovered that I can make the eight hour drive from Cleveland Heights to Brooklyn in one day and not be totally drained. Yeah me! In Brooklyn I stayed with Greg and Janet, working with them on the new database and other business things. We went to see The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. It's been at least a century since I was there! The movie was a visual delight and there was some interesting twists through the psych of various players. As someone who did not really track Heath Ledger's career or death I did not find the interesting device that was created by his absence distracting or hard to sit with, I found it compelling.

Friday I drove to New Paltz to pick up Hrana on the way to 9 Mountain for the DNE Visioning Weekend in Plainfield MA. First we did some shopping at Trader J*e's, stopped for dinner at Paul and Elizabeth's in Northampton, and then hit Dance Spree. I reached 9 Mountain about 12:30am. The weekend was full, fun, loving, and interesting. Getting to spend time with folks that I usually only see once a year was such a delight, it's hard to express how much it satiates my soul to see them. Sunday, after dark I drove to Sunny's so I could accompanying her for an 8:30am appt for an out patient procedure in Manhattan, which took a good portion of the day (she's fine by the way). Wednesday I drove up to New Paltz to arrive at this lovely place and began to settle in for the next month.

Of course true to form my schedule is fuller than I originally had envisioned. Tomorrow I pick up Greg and Janet to visit Alex and Allyson Gray's property in New Hamburg. The weekend after next I will return to Western MA for the DNE budget meeting. A few days after that BC will visit which will be nice after so much time apart.

In the meantime I need to learn how to create a new layout in FileMaker, follow up on a few web based writing opportunities, do my own writing work (I finally bought The Artist's Way after thinking about it for a decade), knit, read, continue to train for my hike and my health, stay in touch with friends, make weekly visits to Sunny for work, etc etc!

While writing this the light has lightened, darkened back up, and is now brighter. The windows to the right of where I sit have a more glow like quality visible as the sun is veiled by thinner clouds and begins to shift downward. Perhaps in the next few hours I will build my first fire, as in the first time I will do this completely by myself, there is no one but myself to lean on. I am loving my approach of just trying things, dropping away the walls that have phrases like, "I might fail," "I can't," "I don't know how," "I'm too scared to try," etched into them. There will be times I will stumble, by blocked by those walls, but it is just temporary, I have the ability to find a way around or through them. This is my mantra.

Now to the southwest there are patches of blue and sunlit clouds.

Union through yoga

The first article in the Beginner's Guide I picked up the other day talks about yoga being "nothing more or less than a practice of being one's true eternal, capital-S Self". It also describes, clearly and succinctly the eight limbs of yoga, which I find resembles Buddhism at great deal which means it should be a good match for me if I can figure out how to find a style and method of practice that works for me.

Most people are familiar with the asanas (postures) and even the pranyama (breathwork) but I suspect many would think the dharana (concentration) and dhyana (meditation) are much the same, perhaps confuse them as to some degree is almost seems like splitting hairs. Judith Hanson Lasater does a good job at showing how one flows into the other, which then leads to samadhi (union). It also explains why samadhi is going to take me a while to reach. The ability to sit still and keep one's mind on a single thing is dharana; when that becomes continuous and uninterrupted one has moved to dhyana. Lasater states that meditation is not about "going somewhere else" with the mind but rather being here and now, fully. "Only in this state of raw presence can we experience samadhi, the Self realization that is the ultimate goal in yoga." Good thing to remember when after months of effort my diaphragm continues to spasm at the mere suggestion of a shoulder stand.

In looking at niyamas (observances) there were two of the five that stood out in meaning for me. The second niyama is santosha (contentment). The author suggests that it might seem odd to practice contentment but it makes sense to me; contentment doesn't just arise when conditions are right, contentment is about the willingness to be at peace with whatever is, even if one is not actually content in the moment. This feels like something I have been practicing for a long time, but especially in recent months where little about my next step is known to me, where I am working on being happier inside myself it has taken some leaps of faith to be at ease. The last one is svadhyaya (self study) which involves looking at "our attachment to and belief in our own thoughts so that we can understand how they keep us from the deepest connection with our true Self". Certainly I have been looking at my attachments to negative thoughts which in turn affect (or is that effect, I can never keep those two straight!) all my thoughts and behaviors. The niyama that I need to devote more attention and effort to is tapas (discipline). No surprise to anyone who knows me at all. The remaining two are saucha (purity) and Ishvara pranidhana (devotion). All of them deserve my time and focus.

Balance is so important. This summer at NCDC, there was a wall hanging of Buddhist imagery that I was not familiar with, but there was a note stating it was Yab-Yum. Never running across this one I of course went online to search and found this on Wikipedia. The notions of balancing duality spoke to me, seemed to repeat my thoughts of paying attention of all my desires, all my strengths and limitations, and honoring different sides of my sexuality, my role in partnership with someone.

The symbolism of union and sexual polarity is a central teaching Tantric Buddhism, especially in Tibet. The union is realised by the practitioner as a mystical experience within one's own body.

I purchased the wall hanging, though I have not hung it anywhere, as a reminder of my goals, my work. Soon, it will hang somewhere, somewhere I can view it, meditate on it's meaning, on the images letting myself enter dharana, perhaps moving into dhyana and maybe one day I will glimpse samadhi.

Honest I don't know where the time went

Life continues to be a whirlwind. Mostly in good ways, some are hard though I admit. Since I last posted I have been in Cleveland OH, Croton NY, Northampton MA, Freedom NH, Northampton MA, Croton NY, Cleveland OH, Brooklyn NY, and at this very moment in Marlborough NH.

Right at this moment I am enjoying a beautiful quiet in a tiny room, in a house that is like a rabbit warren of spaces and doors. It is so lovely I cannot begin to tell you. The likelihood that anyone will come looking for me for at least another hour is about nil. The silence is lovely. Just the clacking of my keys, the sounds of sipping my too sweet, rapidly chilling coffee. Why am I in New Hampshire again you ask. My dear friends Greg and Janet are featured artists at this event and I am serving as their driver and manager. We drove up on Thursday to hang their art and get settled before their talk on Death Valley at Antioch College over in Keene. Both events were, at least in part, the brainchild of their good friend Rowland Russell, with whom I have had the honor of breaking bread with a number of times over the years. Thursday night we retired to our rooms in Hill House (last night renamed Horse Hill House by Ash, the fabulous cook/sommelier/gardener of Glenbrook because of the carousel like horse sculpture jauntily place on the roof line this summer as a prank) and in the night solitude I decided to knit with the only noise being the clink of my metal needles every once and again.

Okay, I know, some of you are scratching your heads about my travels which have been ongoing since March. There may even be some head tilting by my mention of Cleveland. I have a tiny, teeny little secret that I have been holding back from you my dear, devoted and beloved readers. I have a sweetheart, BC (Butch Charming, as my dear friend Dru dubbed her early on, and charming, romantic, sexy and thoughtful she is!). The gods have quite the sense of humor and saw fit to find me someone wonderful in the land of Ohio. So you will continue to see references to Cleveland as time moves forward I suspect. It's okay, you can laugh, snort even. So far things are wonderful and I have been working on keeping my balance in the ways I have decided are important in order not to lose myself. My suspicion is being long distance helps and I am happy to keep it that way as we figure out the path we want to be traveling on together.

Freedom NH is the new home base for Dance New England and it was quite a busy camp with a new site, more people than ever, new programs, a new bookkeeper added to the usual crazy stew that is camp. It was perhaps the most challenging camp work wise since my first, not the way I had hoped my tenth year in the job would feel, but life is what it is, yes? The new site has it's own beauty so that I did not miss Poland Spring too much, though I longed for my old office's coziness and privacy, the wooded areas that I had pitched my tent in other years.

In Northampton I visited some dear old friends and stayed with my good friend Michele. It was so good to get closer to our old rhythm as friends after the last few bumpy years and recreate the friendship with the knowledge that we can go through a rough patch and be okay in the end.

I am enjoying the quiet in this tiny room with one window and two doors that each lead to bigger rooms, hunkered in the middle of the space of this building. In recent days anxiety has been creeping in a bit, for the first time in a long time. On one hand I try to remember that this is no longer my every day or even every week reality and attempt to greet it with grace, to look for what the discomfort is telling me. The other hand panics a bit because it is hard to notice anything except the sense of impending doom which is the color and scent of my anxiety. Through feeling it, trying to avoid it and listening to it, it seems to stems from a lack of time alone, where I know no one will come into my physical space, where I can lay about in my worst clothes, eat ice cream from the container whilst standing at the open freezer door with no fear of being stumbled upon, caught in the act of total incorrectness. To just be, unencumbered by "being on" that is required around most people. While it is relatively easy to not be particularly "on" with Greg and Janet, there is no separate room in their incredible loft, no way to shut the door literally and figuratively on interactions. When sharing the home with BC there are spaces to retreat to, and we can be quiet together (so nice!) there is still that want to be in contact more because we are new, and it is just not the same (as she knows and respects) as being completely alone for a few hours. The last time I can remember having space like that is mid May. Simply too long for this isolating extrovert to go without such time.

The other piece of this is my lack of a place to use as a home base. I am working on a place, ideally somewhere in NY, to retreat to between visits to Sunny's to work (eventually take over the bookkeeping for their business), doing office management for Greg and Janet, as well as trips (10-14 days at a time) to stay with BC. There are some leads developing but nothing is known and I suspect it's getting to me a bit. I have hopes of a cabin in the New Paltz area, so pray to your special deity that this cabin or something similar manifests soon.

Now that the summer is done, so is the bulk of my paying work, another area that is creating some stress so I will have to work on finishing the tasks associated with those positions as well as put time into my other smaller gigs, and finding new ones. It has occurred to me that I need to create a bit of schedule to my days in order to take care of the various tasks and goals on my plate, one that is flexible enough to be done regardless of where I am physically. One would think that after being self employed for a dozen years I would have this down better, but my work and life flows change so much, plus I am so loathe to rigidity and structure that I am afraid I have made it worse. Well there is always time to work on things and improve them, yes?

So this is where I've been, and what I am working on most immediately. I will work on being a better, more consistent communicator as well. I really lost track of time and had not realized it had been so long since I posted.

Starting at the beginning

It's December 1st and the first day to try a new attitude about work. I will confess the positivity is not flowing freely. Perhaps a cwaptastic night of sleep is to blame in part. though right at the moment I am distracted, happily, by my three light colored kittens almost playing together - quite a breakthrough. And the moment has passed as they are each on their merry way. Perhaps that is a reminder to take each moment, and try to find some joy even if it is brief.

I have been thinking of writing a post about how my dog is my daily zen lesson but perhaps it really is the cats. I am more of cat person by nature anyway. Marcelle came up on the bed this morning for a cuddle. Instead of craving sleep or crabbing about having to wake up, I found happiness in petting her, having her sniff my face and tentatively lick at the combination of sleep and tears in my eye. After walking the dog, and attempting to find some zen in that moment that was cold and dark, I sat on the couch to check email. Lila, the newest baby - she is still so small, came up on my lap for her morning check in as she often does. She is the one that is truly "my" cat of the six (yes I said six, yes I know we moved here with only four) and I appreciate having that special bond so much it is hard to explain to folks who aren't cat, or even animal people. She is staring at me while she sits on the dog bed now while I type. She just ran over to squeak in my face and sit on my hands as I type.

Sorry I just had to pet her. So often I wish I could take her to work with me. It wouldn't work on so many levels but I swear it would make my day better. She is sitting on my left wrist as a type now, batting at her own tail.

It's now time to get dressed and put a face on. My lunch got packed last night, just need to grab it. Melissa, I am going to give it all that I have today but I may wind up crying in the bathroom at some point. It's just where I am right now.

Star Trek: The Old Generation

The downside of being an outlier in the job market for a dozen years is that I haven't had to learn all the snazzy new things that MShoddy has created. Today I was told and blindly followed the steps to do an email blast for Tuesday morning's breakfast education meeting for one of my remodeling groups. Something about initially writing it in Outlook, using control K a lot to make links for things like "if you can't see the images, click here", going somewhere in Access Queries to copy and paste email addresses. Then I know I was directed to Outlook Express, which is apparently a little different, doing some set of keys to automatically alphabetize the email addresses and kick out duplicates. There is no way in hell I really know what I did let alone be able to repeat it on my own. While I do need to essentially know how to do this, my admin (OMG I've never had one of those) can usually do those pesky little tasks for me.

On a more upbeat side I got to play with ExactTarget and did most of the draft of an email for a different association. At least the designing element for that one client will be fun.

But seriously the rest, damn it's going to be a steep learning curve. I'm hoping the copier that scans documents into PDF that then get stored on the server is fairly easy. But I hold out small hope because that way if it's hard than hell I won't be disappointed, on the other hand if it's a bit of a breeze I'll be doing the Snoopy dance.

With all these programs and fancy machines I am getting an inkling of what the previous generation felt like when I buzzing around all confident with WordPerfect 5.1-DOS teaching myself tricks, memorizing the key strokes so that I didn't need that silly crib sheet that fit so neatly over the keyboard. Now I long for such a thing, desparately.

Perhaps tomorrow something will glean and shine as creates a new neuropathway in my brain.

The First of Thirty

It's the first official day of NaBloPoMo and I have lots to say about dozens of things I haven't been writing about but between being sick, having a knit & coffee date with Dawn, and dinner at the 'rents, well it's just not happening folks.

Knitting wise there has been progress as I did a full pattern repeat on the shawl and finally got to the third decrease on baby Ellen's gift (since her mama reads this blog, well until Ellen came home she did anyway, not many details will get posted until the gift is on it's way!).

The cold has got to be gone before I start working on Monday as I suspect there will be a LOT to absorb. Finding an online tutorial for Access would be good as I haven't used that program since mid-2001 and apparently a good deal of work happens with it. If anyone knows of anything like that, please let me know.

Okay it's after 9pm and I need to veg and maybe knit some more. See you tomorrow!

Update from the governmental front, as it were

Monday was my first day at the temp job. It's a city department but I can't say which, just in case, ya know. What I can say, legitimately, now, "good enough for government work!".

First off it's a locked building.  What I mean is that you need a key to go up in the elevator, which of course as temps we don't have access to such a thing.  Makes going out to lunch a bit of an adventure.

The work itself is kind of depressing because it's processing applications of folks requesting services (that's about all I can say about the type).  It means that everyone's application shows them
living on air just about which is far from the high life.  Most are single women headed households with dependents.  Some of these women are so young and have SO many children.  About the most amusing thing about these files are the names.  Remember last summer when I was
working at Stars R Us and I posted some names?  Well let me tell you that place had nothing on these people.  I may have to do a whole entry that is a rift on Baby's Named a Bad Bad Thing.

There are four of us in the square of cubicles, in a huge otherwise empty room that is on the way to the break room, so there is a lot of foot traffic going on behind our backs. The inner corners of all of our unit point to the middle.  On Monday  was just three of us as the other woman was out sick.  Michael (no real names will be used) had been here since Thursday so he helped Joshua and I get our bearings as it was our first day.  Michael is a nice guy, a bit of a nerd but very smart and a touch of a sharp wit. Joshua is a young'un.  Really, he's 20 and from a small town in the country out here.  He has one of those accents where they pronounce insurance, IN-shurance, like two separate words "In" and "surance".  It's kinda cute.  Joshua thinks he knows a lot more than he does, but he isn't dumb by any means.  He just has the "I know a lot already, don't need you to tell me x" that most us had a touch of at that age.  

By the end of the day my brain is tired and my eyes felt like they are bleeding.  I did leave the building for lunch which was a good move but I will never get another egg salad sub from Subby's again. Not a pleasant experience.  Tuesday all four of us are in and surprise, surprise the other women temp is from my  neighborhood and I know her.  On one hand it was cool thing, on the other it was a bit unsettling.  Living here is like being in the land of three degrees of separation, on a good day. There was a little more chattering throughout the day which helped. The other thing that helped enormously was TGF brought home supplies Monday so I could download my favorite podcast.  Okay it's the only one I listen to but I love it.  I was able get through two entries that day and during that time it was almost like being somewhere else. Yesterday we had all sorts of conversation and it never broke out in fisticuffs. We covered the death penalty, abortion, gay marriage, child abuse, and I cannot remember what all else.  At one point it fell quiet so I listened to a podcast.  When I unplugged the topic was religion. Joshua asked me what I thought about christianity. I replied that it was a form of religion that many people found comfort it and helped them structure their life.  He was miffed as that wasn't the answer he was looking for but I pointed out that his question was rather broad and perhaps if he could narrow the topic a bit he might get a personal answer, since I sensed that was what he was looking for based on the conversation I came in on.  Once he did that I assured him that I did not look to christianity for comfort but found it in another form of spiritual beliefs.There were many, many delightful little tidbits like that but I barely have a memory of them as it's the next afternoon and I am drafting this post as an email since I have no access to blogger, twitter, ravelry, or facebook from this vacuum of cultural referencing called work.   More later, I hope. 

I need to whine a bit

On a lark I decided a few minutes ago to take my temperature. As I said I have had this odd sick feeling since last night. Well it's over 100. No I don't know by how much because all I've had for eons is a blasted basal thermometer from back in the day when I was charting my menstrual cycle (first time to attempt to not get pregnant - didn't work; second time to attempt get pregnant - didn't work either). It only "counts" up until 100F and then there is unmarked space past that. The mercury went to the very end. Again.

Based on my recent experience with the Black Plague, I know it's not as high as it got during that time but dang people! A fever? Really? Well the plus side is I'm not making up feeling like crap.

Also I forgot to mention that I needed to submit to a background check and peeing in a cup for this temp job. I suppose it's because it's a job with a city agency. Plus if I wear a skirt (yeah right), or open toe shoes (that describes most of my footwear) I have to wear pantyhose or knee-his. OMG! I don't own any knee-hi hose. Here's hoping that my coworkers don't notice that I will wear the same 2-3 pants and tops during my tenure there. My closet is sorely lacking in business casual, and as noted really lacking in business professional (hence needing to borrow TGF's clothes recently).

When It Rains, It Pours

Last weekend I decided to send an email out to some of my neighbors about starting my doula services back up. This time around I will be focusing more on postpartum because it's a bit easier on the scheduling than birth, though I wouldn't turn down the opportunity to attend a birth from time to time. The feedback has been great. Then I asked my lovely email group where I have a lot of friends and a large number of them are mamas, or hoping to be, about names. My good friend Dru came up with the winner! Beyond Birth. Even before I settled on a name I started doing a mock up of a brochure but found myself a bit stuck for the first hour or so in terms of what to write on it. Weird. Sweetheart that she is, another friend from that list has offered to help me a bit with designing things. I need to start working on a website, something I've never done but what the hey. Aside from information on postpartum doulas in general, my background, links and offerings, I'm thinking of putting up stories (with no identifiers of course) about sweet or funny tales from working with families. Anything else you can think of that should be there?

Also this past weekend TGF and I went to the library which was great fun. We left with a few stacks of things. I have already scanned through the three knitting books and made notes on Goodreads.com (see sidebar for a link to my page) about them. Toted home were also The Woman's Book of Creativity, The Secret Life of Families, Spinning Straw into Gold, and The Sound of Paper. Since that time I have blogged a good deal (for me), gone on a long walk with Puppyman through the neighborhood, turned the heel on my sock and tried to do part of a yoga dvd, also a few others non-procrastination things. Without even opening any of the self help-ish books, just their presence in my home seems to help.

I mentioned some of these books on that same list and having put The Artist's Way on reserve at the library. Well another delightful friend said she had an extra copy and would be happy to send it to me. How cool is that? I have thought about working with this book since it came out and somehow never did. For me I think it was about never quite identifying myself as creative, despite the fact that I have done things that are creative (write, sew, cook, knit) for a very long time. I believe it's tied to my perfectionism in that I only thought of being creative as having to do with actual tangible output. Over the last 10 years or so I have worked on changing that perception in my head. It began by calling my cooking a creative outlet, something who's process gave me joy, and often the results. Feeding people good food that I've made with intent fulfills me. It may be that reading Like Water for Chocolate helped to give the ability to see food in this way. I deeply connected with food imbued with love and magic

Tuesday the temp agency called me to say that interview I did on Friday did go as well as I thought and he's really interested. Since he would not be looking for me to start for a few weeks, they also told of a two week data entry gig. Sure! It's scrilla, right? I then emailed them with more details about the dates I would be unavailable due to my other summer jobs. It may be that being unavailable for those weeks in June and August will be the end of that job and while the money would have been great and honestly a bit necessary, I will make about as much easily doing those jobs during that time.

Then I heard from one of my neighbors that someone is interested in my services as a doula and is due in about one week! Now this could work out beautifully in conjunction with the data entry gig. Overall it's a waiting game.

A few days ago I began The Woman's Book of Creativity, which is an easy read and much of the content is familiar however I feel a bit more inclined to actually think about the exercises that I've come across already (only about 35 pages in). I suspect I might blog about a few of the thoughts connected with them, as well, it seems the appropriate thing to do, no?

Unfortunately I started feeling sick last night and even had dreams about being sick, so paranoid I am now! Today I still don't feel right but I have the weekend to get over it as Monday I start the data entry job. 8-5 here I come. Please send supportive thoughts, some sleeping potions so I actually sleep at night, and doula clients my way!

Unexpected responses

Last week I was a bit ambivalent about going to group supervision since I had almost no contact with people from my case, my client being non-responsive, so I felt I did not have a lot to offer to the meeting. But I love hearing about my colleagues' cases, seeing if there is something to learn, to suggest, to chuckle over. It was a really good session including a role play.

While the hourly rate is quite good at this site, my hours are not predictable, the structure (cognitive-behavior) wears me down, and the cases we are getting referred to The Agency are getting very challenging. I long to not work but in point of fact that does not seem like a good option give the banking statements coming through the mail slot at Casa de Cedar. I have been spending time on craigslist looking for something that is part time, pays more than $8/hour, doesn't require an hour of travel, and is something I can stand to do. Not that I'm picky or anything, really I'll do almost anything. Anything that I can stand, is part time, pays decently, and ideally is within walking distance to my house. See, quite reasonable.

Believe it or not I found a couple of possibilities (okay they are not walking distance but...) and sent off resumes. Nothing. As in nada. Then today I found an internship position for one to two days a week from now through June with a rather small stipend. But it would count for hours and do something different, use other skills maybe! One teeny tiny issue is it's in Burlingame. Not exactly close, traffic hell in fact. Within hours, I get a response. Not only have they let me know they received my resume but they have reviewed it and would like me to come for an interview. So guess where I'll be at 10:00a.m. tomorrow? Yep. Burlingame.

Later I went to group supervision and felt totally disconnected, a feeling I had thought I had gotten over with The Agency. As nice as things can be, as much fun as the bar night was, I am mostly not connected to these folks. I spend very little time touching base with my clinical supervisor (aka Jewish Santa) because mostly I don't need to or with the case supervisor (The Caz), whom I really do like. Unlike some of the folks I don't need time there going over notes, nor is it on my way to and fro very much, I do not see it as a touchstone place. I had wanted to not be working in this semester but that is not possible however it seems that somewhere in my brain I had expected to leave and perhaps that is part of my outsider feeling tonight.

Sometimes I want to feel different about the place, I wish I had more in common, or had tried to determine if there are more common bonds there but I am in such a different place then many of them. Or maybe I'm not and just cannot connect with them for some other reason. Have I dismissed potential friendships for some other reason? It's not like I feel I have so many friends I have no room for more. I really do instinctively like a few of them but any attempts to build more have been lame on my part. Again, why? Maybe it's just been so long since I have had anything like coworkers that I have lost all sense about how to do that thing that moves them to being friends. My termination report is due in less than two weeks, I will go to the county meeting that day too, but I suspect a "leave of absence" is coming soon. I certainly don't want to burn any bridges as it's a good place to fall back on for work should I need it down the road. And I will really miss a few of the people a lot.

In which our heroine went to the bar

Finally, after being asked almost every Thursday after group supervision at The Agency if I would accompany the rest of them to the Mallard, I accepted this week. It helped that there is a new employee that I instantly took a liking to who was going. I have known about this place since I moved to the Bay Area over 5 years ago. As in I have been driving by the entire time on jaunt up or down San Pablo. But generally speaking I do not "do" bars.

Though it is December we sat outside so The Caz (my coordinator) could smoke but the weather wasn't too bad and they have these great heaters thingys, which I wisely sat close to as I hadn't a jacket. I had a decent, not great but huge and cheap ($4.00) gin & tonic. It truly was a great way to learn more about the place I work, partake good gossip, and have intriguing conversations about time/space continuums, along with learning more about coworkers.

After avoiding invitations for a good six months, I do believe that I will go more often.
1 - the drinks are cheap and I only need one, so it's an affordable event
2 - socializing with coworkers not a terrible thing, and with only one drink in me I can certainly keep my boundaries
3- very good way to learn more about the inner workings of The Agency because not everyone is so careful about their alcohol intake!
4 - I actually like some of these people

In which our heroine perseveres

It seems that I have not updated on Miss SoS lately. When first introduced her appearance was less than, dare we say, pleasant? The next time she was mentioned it was more for plot device. (I cannot believe I reference my own entries so much. There was a time when I thought that was, well, let's just say I judged it harshly. Damn I've become the mocked!)

Where was I? Oh yes. The next session was at the house and went fairly well. Miss SoS even showed me old photos, which seemed like a good step in terms of letting me in a bit. Last Thursday I picked her at school and drove her home. Yes that was our entire session but it was the first time alone with her. As she got ready to leave the vehicle she actually reached over to give me a little half hug. Yes, the same child that cursed at me for over two hours the week before. Yes, if I was into deluding myself I would suggest that I was the next miracle worker but I am more humble and far far less sure of myself so I won't be saying that except in jest.

As they say, that was then. Yesterday she cast the evil eye in my direction sporadically for two hours and barely spoke to me. Today, she skipped out on the session which on the positive side gave me lots of time to chat her grandmother. Tomorrow should be a blast. {sigh}

In the last six weeks she has had a CASA (an organization I considered volunteering with a few years ago- ironic) worker assigned to her, started with a new therapist and had me assigned to her. It could be that there are too many new adults in her world so it is still a wait and see deal as far as I'm concerned. Of course my final treatment plan is due tomorrow. So tomorrow morning I will finish yesterday notes, edit the treatment plan and write up today's session then see the little beast again.

A major agenda item for the weekend is to do my weekly sheets for the BBS and school dating back from February. (Shut up. I say right there on my description that I am working on becoming less of a procrastinator which implies that I am a big time put-ter off-er type person.) If I have enough, it gives me an additional out in terms of graduation requirements. Somehow I live in the sate with some of the most ridiculous number of hours needed for licensing - 3000 hours before I can sit for the exams. Perseverance, my life is all about that right now.

Good times, sad times

I wish I could be witty for y'all tonight but it's just not flowing.

It has been a long time since I worked somewhere during the holiday season but given that I am still employed by The Agency, currently to work with Miss SoS, apparently it is still au courant to have holiday celebrations. Last week we picked names for "secret santa" gifting purposes. Before reaching into the hat (yes it was seriously a hat) I prayed that I would get someone I knew well enough to get something appropriate without resorting to a gift certificate. Luckily I got Moon, who I really like. I was tempted to get something from Good Vibrations for Moon because I thought it would be taken in good humour, but since it was to be a public event I vetoed my own idea. In the end I shopped at T*rget and choose a cool picture frame doodad that holds 4 photos.

The gathering was held at Unicorn, a restaurant I had been interested in trying for, oh, about 4 years, but had never gotten around to going to in all that time. Um, I had a lovely Chardonny/Viognier blend that was very tasty and a nice compliment to the dishes I tried, which was several! The food was really very good and it would be worth going back for a nice dinner date with TGF.

The sad times involves a friend of mine, one of the first people I met when I moved here. We clicked, I mean really clicked - it is rare that we can do a breakfast meet-up that takes less than 2 hours and it's been like that since our first meeting. She and her partner are in the process of splitting as I found out tonight. I feel so sad for her it actually hurt earlier, now I just wish there was more I could actually do. They have been together for about twelve years (if I remember correctly) and there are two adorable kids in the mix. As hard as my split was with CHL, it is impossible for me to fathom adding children into that sort of choice. As I have many friends with children, some of whom are not sure of their relationship it is so much easier to sit over here, childless and council about being happy as a valuable model to offer your children. Staying or leaving when one is not happy has an impact on children, certainly I know about that from my experience as the kids in the mix, but staying involves less change, a different type of adjustment - one that is quiet, a bit hidden.

Sending my friend a strong cyber hug.

Rode Hard and Put Up Wet*

Since yesterday I have driven over 150 miles and unlike living on the east coast, I never left the state. Hell I was only in two counties. Two counties, that's it!

My drive to Miss SoS's school is along Route 4 which is nice because part of the ride is just rural landscaping of undulating hills which are still dried straw coloured as the rains have yet to appear enough to bring the greening of winter. In the distance I get to see a piece of a small wind farm off to the south of the highway. Also along the route I pass an exit sign for the Port of Chicago which always disorients me when I come upon it. First, ports mean water and water is next to impossible to see or even smell so I find it odd to see a port referenced when there is nothing but dried out hills. Then there is the matter of "Chicago" not being in Illinois. Just freakish if you ask me, I mean this is California. Sure there are street in the Bay Area like Mississippi, Virginia, Alabama but Chicago? That's a city name, a city in the Midwest, ffs.

When looking up this Port on G**gle, a link popped up via epodunk.com, a favorite site of mine in part because the address amuses me (Yeah, I'm a nerd. What of it?) their city page had a link for wineries nearby and I admit, my face lit up a bit thinking I could combine some pleasure, partake of some lovely libations after a session. I click gleefully to find 26 wineries. Ah the pay off for all the driving to see my client who reads a bit like tourettes meets ADD meets bi-polar rage. Such nice thoughts I was having until I see that all of them are about 25 miles away and a serious deter between hell and home. Sigh. All drinking will have to be done closer to home. I guess it's safer that way.

Today I visited my client at home, not quite as long of a drive as yesterday or tomorrow, but damned if I don't need to add more gas to the Purple Beast again before embarking tomorrow. One good thing about this gig, I don't have to set an alarm or even contemplate awaking anything near the crack of dawn. So my late night ways continue. There are already some christmas decor snaking around the the television unit and presents have already begun to multiply in tribble-like fashion. For a child who hates to wait I cannot imagine the underlying torture being perpetrated by her grandmother. It will be really interesting to see how this unfolds.

My lovely partner had dinner ready to go when I walked in from the boonies, which was spectacular since I was starving. For breakfast I had coffee and a packet of instant hot cereal from Kashi, for lunch a can of soup with some crackers and now I had less than an hour before heading back out. Tonight I had an interview for my old work - a potential doula client due in early February.

For long time readers you may remember that I had gone through a purge of my birth books as an outward symbol of the changes in my world but I also have never said that I would not attend another birth. Yes, I was incredibly burned out but birth work is extraordinarily compelling. Witnessing a baby take her first breath is the closest thing to seeing g*d that I have had the honour of being near. Am I in love with this couple? No. I wish I was so that even if they choose someone else, I would touch that place inside of me again that loves that immediately with no expectations.

So our heroine is a bit tired and her tires probably need rotating.

*Nods to Gwendolyn for the title - it's one of her favorite phrases.

In which our heroine learns new vocabulary

With a nervous stomach and a disposition that wilted TGF's smile, I left this morning to see my client only barely hopeful that I would last more than about fifteen minutes in the same room with her. I had a plan, an escape route mapped, and a fortifying phone call with Greg on the drive over. Did I mention her school is a 42 minute drive from home, with no traffic? Luckily the school hours are a good match for free wheeling driving.

Armed with a plan I wavered as I arrived at the container classrooms, do I go to the office first or right to the "classroom". I voted for the brave course and saw "Matlock" at the door as I strode over. He informed me that Miss "SoS" (Spawn of Satan) was in the office after all. Apparently they had watch "Lord of the Flies" (eww!) to follow up the reading of the novel. Miss SoS was in no mood to stop watching television and begin on history studies. From here there is some disagreement about whether she shoved or threw a chair but the point is clear. Miss. SoS was bitching and complaining when I walked in the office. I basically ignored her and with the help of my new best friend at the school, the lovely and patient "Bethany", we three sat a table and actually had something resembling a conversation. I know. Clearly hell had a cold snap. We developed a schedule for this week and a contract. Miss SoS ended the session on a good note, leaving to go eat lunch. I took this as a cue to leave and not try anything further for the day.

Oh right, vocabulary lessons. During the conversation some words were dropped that I was unfamiliar with and simply played along, guessing somewhat accurately as to the specific meaning. Somehow this drug slang does not get sent to me in my daily e-mailing of A Word A Day, where I get words more like "flummery" or "bodacious" (go look them up, I can't do everything for you!) Once home I consulted the ultimate source of such knowledge - Urban Dictionary.

Until today I thought I understood all the meanings and shades of definition of the word "purple". I was so wrong. There is so much more than the colour of half my wardrobe and Tinky Winky - the gay icon. If you don't live in Northern California you might not come across this usage so consider your regionally broadened. Then there was "thizz" which I had initially heard as "fizz" which left me momentarily concerned about my buddy's blog. But no, it was thizz, as I discovered both by hearing the word more than once, and watching Miss SoS scribble it on paper. Essentially this part of the conversation left me feeling quite old.

So my dear readers if you have any arcane knowledge of teenage vocabulary especially for Northern California which seems to create it's own lingo as distinguished from anywhere else, please inform me. Thanks.

In which our heroine rocked the house

The House o' Sperm that is. Today was the second interview, the in person one. It felt great to do a good interview. The director is really personable and god this sounds so lame but I could see hanging out with her as a friend. Really good energy. The lead health worker seemed nice but it wasn't one of those zing connections, ya know? In the meanwhile I need to give serious thought as to what to do if offered the position. Given Tuesday's episode I am not sure if this case will last, or if I will stick with it, which would leave me with no income.

This other potential job would be nice because it would be regular income because, and here's one of the problems, it is a set schedule. I have not had a regular, set job thing in 10 years. TEN YEARS. Then there is that little matter of needing days off in January and June, which I told them about but I haven't begun to address that little adventure every summer that takes me the east coast for 3 weeks. Yeaaah. That would go over like a lead balloon. Oh, and they want a TWO YEAR commitment. For a 3 days/24 hours a week job. Not that they could hold me to it but D-A-M-N.

I am considering, if offered, not accepting it. I am considering calculating my hours for practicum and if my graduation hours are fulfilled quitting. What about money you say? Good question. There is the option of resurrecting my doula business. Irregular and undependable hours but when the work is there the money can be quite good. If I don't want to work for a period of time, say late August, it is totally my call. Of course I have barely worked doing that in about two years so it could be tricky getting clients. There is the advantage of being able to advertise for free in the BirthWays newsletter but I need to make a decision really soon as we, okay I, am trying to get everything together for the January issues ASAP. Any votes? Any good cash generating ideas? Let me hear 'em cause I need something and something soon.

The inner circle of hell*

On Tuesday I went to have my first session with my new client. I posted about my session with my new client in the case presentation section of my class but that was a strict dispassionate telling of the events. The truth is I left that session with tears running down my face as I walked from the grounds of the middle school to my car.

I spent almost 2.5 hours being cursed at, told to leave, had things thrown in my direction or at me, being struck lightly but with considerable emotion by my client's hands and feet. I have almost never been cursed at even when fighting with partners. Ever. I was called a “stupid bitch”, “ugly whore”, I was cursed with “I hope you get into a car accident and die”. As I drove home I thought “well damn I probably have my 250 needed for graduation. I don’t need this. I didn’t sign up for this kind of treatment by a client I had only met once, briefly a week ago. I would find another placement, later. I will still be at school for two semesters so who cares”.

In reality I can’t bring myself to just quit as much as I desperately wanted to, and still want to in a way. It wouldn’t be fair to me to give up that fast, it wouldn’t be fair to have my client be abandoned right off the bat because that what she is probably expecting, she is testing. Right?

The thing that I am struggling with is the fierceness of my reactions, the deep wounding, and the inability to depersonalize from the almost constant attacks. It was really was almost continuous. If she wasn’t cursing out someone else it was me which averaged out to about every 5-10 minutes, and being told in varying degrees of profanity to leave about every 10 minutes. It just hurt so bad to be treated that way. I knew it wasn’t really about me, it was about her rage, her abandonment, her whatever but none of that mattered because I felt absolutely wrecked by it. And yet I was ready to go back today because I knew I owed it to me at least as much as her to give it a few more tries.

When I called the school in the morning I found that she did not come in today, just as she told us yesterday. Was I relieved that she ditched school? Yes and no. I wanted the second session to be over and done, whether some rapport or at least words other than curses might be exchanged or total hell again. Am I happy that the guardian never returned my call today? Again yes and no. The more she refuses to work with the program the clearer it will be that the case won’t go any where and I can exit quietly. If she does actually participate I can mark it off as successful and if I need I can leave at a point that makes sense, hopefully for all of us.

Honestly I have no idea where this case will go, or how long I will hang in with it.

* When I write "inner circle of hell" I am really not sure whether I am referring to my entering her hell or mine.