The 30th

Finally. I did not fully succeed but given everything I am please with my attempt. Hop you were happy with whatever you attempted to accomplish this month.

I am officially done with everything except my final paper for Social Welfare Policy. If I manage a B- in this class I will be satisfied. Not pleased, but happy to have it done.

Macro I, I have done all that I think I can do, except a few more comments on my colleagues postings. The assignments that get reworked into the final paper? Yeah, I'm behind. I will draft the assignments, submit them and without feedback will write the final.

Tomorrow I will get my third paper back from my Micro I professor, and I am cautiously hopeful. The final paper may kill me however.

Playing major catch up in Human Development and Behavior I. Still have module postings to do, a much delayed mid-term and the final.

Yeah the next 9 days will be hell.

I would love to say I will keep blogging through all this but just case a heavy dose of reality sinks in, see you on the other side of the semester!

simple things

(Yes, yes, I realized late last night, about 12:40am that I lost track of posting yesterday. Ah well. It's my fifth year doing this and the first where I missed days. I suppose with all that's on my plate it is to be expected).

Late Saturday The Music Nerd (trying on a nickname for my sweetheart, we'll see if it sticks) and I were driving home after an all day meeting in Cambridge that we attended. I was asked about my favorite movies of the holiday season. Rudolph is undoubtedly a top favorite, as is The Grinch. The Year without A Santa Claus is another, the songs crack me up. I also spoke about watching the Nutcracker Suite every year, not that I remember which company performed it, or if it were the same production aired year after year. Then I recalled how once a year The Wizard of Oz would be on television. It seemed to me that it was on every November, though I don't have any clear recollection, not really.

Sunday I woke sullen, cranky, and unmotivated. I gave fair warning to the Music Nerd, who was gracious about it, asking if there were anything to help. "No," I replied flatly. Being faced with such a sweet inquiry, and those gorgeous, kind eyes, I started blabbering about all the things that were overwhelming me: I have so much school work to due; terrified I won't pull it off, that I will freeze like the last time I attempted grad school; my house is a mess - needs a true cleaning; I've gained a bit of weight; behind on DNE work, and basically I blathered on about my fears, anxiety, generally bitching about my life.

As I attempted to settle in to accomplish some of the mountain of schoolwork, suddenly the television was on, a movie was starting. Without me noticing, Music Nerd had popped in a dvd - The Wizard of Oz. The smile that came over was so big, my heart lifted with the sweet gesture. Music Nerd was surprised at my response. This is at least the second time that MN has done the exact perfect thing to attempt to remedy me when I have been at some of my worst.

Simple things, thoughtful gestures, makes life so much better.

Another favorite

Fifteen years from tonight you have to make a desicion
The greatest love of your life
Is gonna call during dinner...
From the home of the girl that he's living with now
And the guilt he'll say is killing him
He's wilted in the middle and
He knows how bad he acted
Knows he can't have you back
But the fact is he can't be happy when you're angry
And you're so angry, he says you stayed so mad
And he heard it on the street that
You moved back in with your dad
You were drinking something awful
And that makes him sad
Then he says it's good to hear your voice again
And that it's hard to ask it,
But he's calling with a question
He's been working real hard, he's trying to make a new start
An honest to god fresh beginning
So maybe you could try to finally find it in your heart
To forgive him

You've already been here before
You already know where it goes
You chose this, you know it's suppose to be over
You've been here before
You already know where it goes
You chose this, you know it's suppose to be over

He hung up the phone, you listened to the dial tone
And you stared at the stove until the beeping started
You read some love letters some threats
And some you couldn't tell apart
That you keep under the bed at the apartment
And then you did what he asked you to do
You opened your heart up
Right there on a napkin on the carpet
And part of it was frostbit
But you've always been a smart kid
Could still distinguish, the blood black as pitch
Valves had gone stiff, veins and scar tissue
Four chambers just a standard issue
But none had room, forgiveness is huge
And you had two full of ice water
One fulla salt, one packed with coal
Eager and ready and willing to find fault

You've already been here before
You already know where it goes
You chose this, you know it's suppose to be over
You've been here before
You already know where it goes
You chose this, you know it's suppose to be over

Then with your heart in your lap
And your head in your hands, suddenly you had a plan
Wrap the mess in newspaper
Headed west on Hennepin,
Heavy with a huge favor for a kid that just turned ten
A flat-chested, gap-toothed girl
Was the best that I've been so far
And now I'm too big to forgive him
I need just a moment with me,
A moment when I was still little
I used to sing on the roof outside my windowsill
And I came hoping some ghost of me would be here still
And here you are, stick figure and a busted grin
Still ignorant of all the trouble I'ma get us in
Hoping we could trade, just for tonight
Like I could borrow your heart
And I could leave you mine
It's not much for collateral, tattered and battle-scared
But I can promise you solemn
That I will be back for it tomorrow
I only need yours this evening
So I can call an old friend
And I can tell him
That we're finally even,
That we're finally even

You chose this, you know it's suppose to be over
I've been here before
And I already know where it goes
You chose this, you know it's suppose to be over

Thankful is a good

and that I am.

For many things:

friends

family

community

grace

that I am healthy, relatively ;-)

education

dance

music

my sweetheart

my cabin and it's owners' grace for letting me stay there

a yummy dinner tonight

meeting new people

a never ending supply of books I want to read

the smell of wood smoke

So many things, I am sure I am forgetting many important things but I think this is a good list for now.

My holiday bird is a phoenix

Once again I am doing something different, unfamiliar for a "holiday". Here am I again wandering into someone else's structure, secret language of their family. I seem to have yet to create my own rituals around most holidays, and the ones I have invented seems more like phoenixes, burning up in my past being reborn into still new plumage.

Perhaps that is my tradition, to reinvent, recreate, blend what is known with what is new year time about me, about my life. There was a time when I could not imagine ever not going to my family Thanksgiving, I did choose not to go from to time over the years. Sometime because I went else, or I lived too far away. With various partners I have attempted to start something but when relationships end, the attempts to create those familial habits turn to a pile of ashes of things that have passed on.

My pattern, when alone, is to try on other families' customs but unlike Goldilocks none of them are just right. Oh, they sometimes feel that way, especially when it's been my lover's family. In reality, though I dearly enjoy my far and few between family gatherings, my family is not really close - only gathering twice a year for most of life, and those gatherings have shrunk as died and reformation by marriages have thinned the branches even further. Stepping into others' families have always been filled with hope and dread. I long for an extended family that thrills, annoys, and loves one another; one where we gather for no reason, randomly and share little bits, hide others, but there is always laughter. When I have had a glimpse into that possibility I then fight the urge to run away; it's too close, too much expectation. The annoyance and obligation overshadow the warmth and I am left feeling claustrophobic. There really is no pleasing me in this arena, I know that but yet I search, hope, and wonder when my turn comes to have that family that meets my hopes and dreams. It won't happen, at least not with perfection, and certainly not without me taking an active part in the annoyance, laughter, and warmth.

This is related to my recent whinging about being single, about never having that happy ever after. How does one create that "family" if one is single? Who makes up the members? Surely I have enough friends to create my own ragtag crew ala Charlie Brown, but there will be no grandmother to scoop us all up in breast of kin that are the grown ups who provide. I am that grown up now, but who and where is my tribe? I remain a nomad, regardless of living in one place for over a year, I roam on more esoteric planes all the time it seems; constantly seeking something that may not be findable, so perhaps I should enjoy the journey more. Maybe some of us are not meant to hold rituals in the same manner that others do. Perhaps I am more of a catalyst than a stable solution; jumping into things and seeing what happens; what to take onward with me, and what to leave behind for others to amalgamate for themselves.

Is there a formula to this?

Driving this morning I was reflecting on my relationship and noted that when I fell in love, it has not played out well for me. The first time I truly fell in love I was in my early 20's, it was a disaster - she was immature, insecure, abusive, manipulative. One year in, I had tried to leave but after hours of weeping, apologies, and pleading, along with a sprinkle of feeling responsible for her being New York City where she was like a lost sheep, I gave in. The more time that passed, the harder it was to know how to extricate myself from the crazy cycle of our life. The tipping point seemed to appear out of nowhere, which of course is never quite the case, and suddenly I knew that no matter what the price (and it was very high) I had to get out to save myself.When I left it felt great but I felt enormous pain; pain that left feeling like I wanted to die; I did not really want to die, but I wanted the raging, stabbing sensations to stop.

Before and after that roller coaster ride I was in relationships that were much calmer, and I wondered if it is was because I hadn't "fallen", wondered if I would again. And if I did, could I survive it. But then again, I fell deeply, irrationally for someone. Before even meeting her in person I felt attached, even addicted to this person. It was a ridiculous fall, all the more since it turned out that almost everything she said was a lie. Again I was relieved when it was over, felt worlds better, and it hurt, not as bad as before, but there was sadness. There were little things I missed, much I did not, but there was this emptiness as I was single for the first time in eons, briefly.

The next one I thought was more reasonable, but only because I was not the one who fell first. This one I thought had real potential, it all seemed so sane, especially by comparison. She was not insane like some others but that being swept up thing? Clearly that is my downfall, my Achilles heel. I should know that when I feel that swirling, too hopeful feeling that it is bad news.

What I also noticed in my reverie this morning is that I seem to choose best when it starts slower, perhaps knowing them as part of my social circle first. It might serve me well to keep this in mind for the future. Things are lovely with the person I'm seeing and they fit more in this category which after the review I conducted of my romantic history should be a good sign but the moment I start having faith in someone, my magic thinking leads me to expect the happy times to end.

Yeah, I have might still have some issues to work on.

Like sands through the hourglass.

Checking the television guide tonight I noted, once again, what shows I no longer watch. There are many shows that I associate with Her Geekyness (who I left some time ago) which are no longer part of my regular viewing. There were a few I avoided initially because it was too hard to watch them, knowing the shows had been part of my day to day life that no longer existed. There were some that were always more her thing, those were easier to let go of, but the others were more mixed. Since that time, I have not had a pattern of watching tv with someone. Actually since leaving Dayton, my television watching patterns have shifted. Initially I stayed with someone who did not have any signal and certainly no cable; often I crashed with Greg and Janet, who have digital signal or whatever it's called, but no cable. Sure we rented movies during some of those visits, but again folks who do not use television the way I had (or Her Geekyness). I learned how to cope without depending on tv as much.

It's been rather freeing to have little idea what the new shows are, to happen upon things, and only really know some of the syndicated things (they are much easier to remember since the schedule is the same five days a week). Vastly different from how I lived much of my life. Even now I watch more than those early gypsy days but I often am doing other things and can barely tell you watch I'm watching let alone the plot. I even shut it off! Seriously. Though this more normal, it still feels so odd.

So no more forensic shows (mostly I'm good to have stopped watching them, but I did get used to what she used to "the voice", there truly was something soothing about the sound of his voice, though the subject matter was not the best to fall asleep to - her habit. Very little CSI, The Closer. I do miss the original CSI but tend to forget to watch the reruns, and did not care for Laurence Fishburne on the show - a supreme disappointed because I had high expectations for his performance (I have caught bits and pieces of Ted Danson and have been pleasantly surprised by the character and performance). It's hard to remember what else I have "given up". I am still happy to catch Charmed repeats however, whenever the day allows and I remember it's on. As time moves on I remember less and less of what I have stopped watching, or forgetting more and more to connect them to her, hard to tell which. It's not about missing her, it hasn't been for a long time, more of a like a far away memory, of what my life used to be; one I don't miss in very many ways. The life I'm living now is much better.

A quiet day

Nothing good, nothing bad, just eh. You know, a "meh" kinda of day. Did not get much accomplished, except for some work that needs to be shipped tomorrow. Way too much time reading a compelling thread on Ravelry, almost caught up. Beautiful day but I did not take advantage. It does seem that the day after a productive one, the next gets little attention in terms of the "to do" list. I wish I could be more consistent. More things to work on in the future.

Perhaps tomorrow I will be more pithy. Thanks for tuning in.

Ah, to be brilliant

But I'm not. At least I'm not feeling it right now. Cannot think of a blessed thing to write about. I was going to post photos I took today but am having difficulty getting them off my camera. Argh. Technology is a pain in the arse sometimes.

Overall not a bad day, it included a nap, a shower, laundry, and an awesome fire which has keep the downstairs at about 75F all day.

Finished one extremely overdue assignment, am working on another. Might finished it tonight, or tomorrow. In either case, more things to cross off the to do list feels good.

Bittersweet

I work for a lovely couple, assisting with their business which she founded and he supports her in her mission, serving as her right hand man. Aisling and Kent have been together a number of years, marrying two years ago. They share a home, dogs, friends, and families. There is a comfort surrounding their relationship, that leaves longing for what I do not have, haven't for a long time, and wonder if I will find again. Their home is well tended, the furniture tasteful and comfortable, they adore their dogs as though there were their children and in a way they are - something I understand. I realize I have only seen the tiniest slice of their life and my envy is based on impressions, my lack, and not reality.

Living alone has suited me well, very well for the last year and a half; I have learned a great deal about myself, and it is lovely to only have myself to account regarding my choices, my spendings, and my grocery shopping. Still there are times when I miss partnership in the everyday, the glow and glide of couplehood. There are not great periods of this desire seeping at the edges of my being, but they happen, like today.

Aisling and Kent had left for a trip of approximately three weeks and I was still at the house finishing some work. Kent called shortly after leaving, as I expected because I was sure there was something left behind. He had left his wedding ring by the kitchen sink and really didn't want to be without it. As we spoke I walked over to the sink and retrieved the ring, slipping it around in my hand, noting it's simplicity and size - it would fit on the middle finger of my larger hand. While playing with it, I recalled feeling that way about my wedding band, which has been off my hand since 2005. I have not been single all that time but no bands with the weight of commitment, purpose, and promise have encircled my finger since then.

My desires in these moments fights with my cynicism - relationships don't last. Or at least mine don't. It's not that I have only flitting partnerships, but apparently I lack that gene for sticking things out. Perhaps that gene is related to my cynicism - they are mutually exclusive, if I have one, I can't have the other. Only one time did I have any true faith that a relationship would last, which it did for twelve years but in the end I still left. Regretfully in many ways, but it was the right decision for me at the time. In the years that have swirled by it does seem that in some ways I left the best thing I've had. But somehow it still wasn't good enough for me. The truth is that there were things missing, some incompatibility concerns that time have not erased but have left me wondering - at what point are things like that still good enough to stay? How do you know when you should stay in spite of those mismatches?

Perhaps the reason I laden such loveliness on relationships like Aisling and Kent's is that I keep hoping I if I can learn the secret of couples like them, I will be able cure myself of my lack of faith. If I can find inner peace that will lead to acceptance not just of my imperfections about another's, I would be allowed me the domestic, marital bliss that has alluded me, and I would finally believe I deserve such riches.

I will be shipping it tomorrow.

A Good Day

It doesn't take much sometimes to feel like a day feel successful.

- I was able to sleep in, and felt relatively rested upon waking

- An excellent cup of tea

- Lovely trip to my acupuncturist (despite being offered a choice of a no sugar/no alcohol diet or herb, I chose the herbs)

- Finished a paper for Micro Practice class before midnight, meaning I can get to bed at a reasonable hour

- Receive a "B" on my module posting for Social Welfare Policy

- My home is warm and toasty on gray rainy day

- A glass or two of a lovely red wine (see why I chose the herbs?)

How was your day?

"Aargh" says Charlie Brown

While reading in bed last night, at precisely 12:01am, it suddenly occurred to me that I had not blogged. I confess, I was tempted to leap out of bed and back date the posting. But alas, I am too honorable.

So here I am hanging my head in shame, four stellar years of not missing a post, the record has been broken. If it was going to happen I cannot think of a more appropriate year than this one. Lyme has been kicking my arse for over two months, finally seeming to abate just a week ago, graduate school has been kicking my arse for over two months - partially because of Lyme. My internship is not quite doing a number on me, but it's a contributing factor as well. So are my two very part time jobs, my reduced commitment to the Frolic (I'm very sad to not be doing a better job), and my responsibilities to Dance New England (also falling down a bit there as well). Perhaps even attempting NaBloPoMo this year was a foolish idea but I really thought I could do it. I still think I can, so I am resuming my intention of posting daily for the rest of month.

Wish me luck, I think I'm going to need it!

Never on a Sunday

Never on a Sunday

do I find myself rushing for Monday

will a rainy day not be perfect for cuddling

does a breakfast out seem wrong or indulgent

will I resist the temptation of too much tv

does a long bath sound like a bad idea

nor does sitting for hours with a friend

should I forget that the hours change, the light shifts

and every day is a gift.

Two for Tuesday

Yes there will be shortcuts to make it through NaBloPoMo this time around, more than ever!

Two recent favorite moments:

Last week, while at my internship, a lovely 83 year old woman whose mouth was tucked into itself because she hadn't put her teeth in, gently reached up to point to my nose and said: "I like your nose earring". Such a sweet moment.

In a moment of clarity I realized that I could move the drying rack from the left to the right side above the sink. It totally opened up the appearance of lightness in the kitchen area. Small changes can make one so happy.

Because clearly I'm insane

This will be my fifth time doing this. This is the second time I have done it while also doing a butt load of school work. However this time I am taking four courses, spending about two days at my internship, mentoring two new CCG members for DNE, and attempting something related to being the PR person for the Frolic. And you, know sleeping. Oh, and I'm on the recover road from Lyme.

Did I mention I'm insane? No? Oh.

Almost Blew It

It's been a crazy, odd time zone kind of day what with the time change, the weekend event, plans shifting at the turn of a corner and a face wanting time, accommodating newly emerged needs but somehow I am managing to post before midnight, barely.

The weekend was a successful, from what we can tell financially and it certainly seems from the responses many of the organizers heard, it was emotionally successful in that it fed people's need for a DNE dose as winter begins to emerge and the long stretch of cold is before us and dance camp seems far away. Overall I am please with how things went but per my usual I was concocting a "next time" document and the bones of time line for 2011.

My out of town dear friends leave in the morning which is bittersweet, it was such a treat having them on my turf for a change, and there isn't much likelihood of all of them returning soon. At least they were able to see a bit of why I adore where I am as much as I do and play hostess just a tiny bit by offering soup and wine.

Given the weekend, late hours, and the damn daylight savings time my body clock is feeling very off kilter. Tomorrow begins a buckling down of work - school and A&A as well as some DNE. If I use my time wisely I can also begin to make notes on the NY Weekend. Of course I will need to blog as well.

Thus ends the first week of NaBloPoMo, year 5 I believe.

I made it!

Today is the 30th day of daily posting on my blog. As with the other years (2006-2008) I finished and found it a really good experience to stretch my brain, to have some discipline around my writing. Also as in some previous years it helped me to work on other things in a better way. This year I started and finished two small knitting projects, finally started to update my stash page on Ravelry after ignoring it for about six months.

In addition I began my walking regime to gear up for a hiking trip to Utah in May. It had felt like a major accomplishment to walk 15 miles in total during October but I got more focused and set some goals this month.Today I walked 4.3 miles, most of the way I had about 10 pounds in my backpack (first things to drop at the dry cleaners, then groceries). This is the first time I have carried anything, plus the route had hills. It was cold out, even had light hail on the way home; I am sore but really thrilled with myself. I calculated my work for the month and realized I have walked just a hair over 50 miles this month. Once I discovered this I was a bit flabbergasted actually. I had no idea I was doing that much, or that I could.

Now of course the trick is to figure out how to ride this momentum. I am sure I will figure it out.

Goals are a good thing, who knew?

People who know me, know I'm not into setting long range goals; they know I like instant gratification. I rarely know what I will be doing next week, let alone months from now. The 5-year plan thing? I don't get it.

Back in maybe September Greg mentioned a hiking trip to Southwest Utah to help bring attention to an area that is currently not protected. He wanted to invite writers, artists who would spread the word. I decided, silently, that I should do this, but I said nothing aloud. Pondering this for awhile, I realized that he did not outright ask me to come, probably thinking I was not up for such a trip. You know what? He was right but I knew that didn't have to be the case. Sure I'm overweight, sure I haven't ever done a hiking trip, and I am certainly out of shape but all of that could be changed.

It started almost unintentionally by doing that first hike in October up to Bonticou Crag, followed two weeks later by a hike around Mohonk House. The following week I walked 3 miles twice with BC. Without trying I walked about 15 miles that month. During that second walk BC and I were talking about getting sneakers, she regularly needs new pairs with her training.

"They need to be replaced about every 500 miles."
I scoffed, responding "Well that should mean a pair will last me forever."
"If you walk 10 miles a week that would mean once a year."
"Ha, that will happen."

Color me humbled. The next week I did 8 miles. BC suggested that the next week I shoot for 10 miles, she knew I wanted to do this Utah trip. Hm, I guess I could do that. At least I thought I could work towards it. I ended that week with 11.5 miles. Dang! Who knew I could do? Who knew walking could actually be hard? The next week I walked 12 miles. My average rate is 3 miles an hour.

Monday BC and I went out, she ran, I walked. It was sweet having her loop back and walk with me showing me this new leg of the Shaker Lakes trails that are just a few blocks from the house. 3.6 started this week. The next day I combined a trip to the library with my walking goal, extending the return trip to make the trek 3 miles.

The plan to keep upping my mileage and be able to do 5-6 miles as a regular route and than start adding a light backpack until I can carry about 20 pounds on the walk to be able to really be part of the team in early May when I am in Utah. Having this as something to work towards helps.

Also as I have learned many times over (but never well enough for it to stick) is that it helps if I am working on more than one thing to structure myself, to shape my time. Participating in National Blog Posting Month at the same time works for me. But one thing I had not counted on helping is having a partner who also works out. This is something I have never had, not one who I could work out with, someone who's support is very mutual. It is so nice. Surprisingly all this seems to be working for me, I'm eating better, way less sugar, in touch with my feelings, started and finished two quick knit projects this month as well. Now the trick is to keep it up, keep setting small goals - tasks I can tackle in small chunk, larger goals over time.

This means that tomorrow, between prepping and cooking for our Thanksgiving meal, I will hit the treadmill upstairs for a couple of miles. Tomorrow I will hug BC when comes home after running her 5-mile Turkey Trot because I'm proud of her, because she inspires me. Tomorrow I will blog. Tomorrow I will not overeat, remembering that I can eat whenever I am hungry. Tomorrow I will knit on a project, working towards completing it soon.

Mostly I wrote this entry because sometime ago when I was complaining I didn't have any ideas and she thought I should write about all of this. She was proud of me for doing these things, because she - even with her much larger achievements, thought this was a big deal. On one hand I agree, on another I think these are small things, not particularly worthy of much note however they are important steps on my journey.

NaBloPoMo - Year Four

Yes, I am going to try for it again this year. If I remember correctly I did this for the first time in 2006, and again in '07 & '08, so this will be year four. The first year I also Lacevember which apparently is no more. That November I blogged every day, finished my first lace knitting project and kicked butt in my school work.



In 2007 I tried to also do NaKniSweMo but failed at the knitting piece (I finished said sweater February 2009). Given that last November I was working the hell job, my relationship was breaking apart, it's amazing that I blogged every day.

This year will be interesting for new reasons in that I am still roaming a bit, but a tad less than my usual this coming month, and the next actually. Well I suppose that depends on how one counts things. Right now I am with BC, flying back to NY area on Thursday. Not sure of my schedule between then and the next time I drive back out here. Some time in Croton, some in Brooklyn, and I would love to go to Western Massachusetts to see friends, before being back with BC for Thanksgiving. In the beginning of December my current plan is to visit Abby and Michael in Yuma AZ, with a trip to Joshua Tree National Forest for a weekend. So there will be some bouncing during this time of meeting this writing goal. Should be doable, don't ya think? Lie to me if you need to people. Seriously.

Putting One Foot In Front of the Other

Tomorrow is Monday. It is also the first of December meaning the end of NaBloPoMo, NaKniSweMo and NaKnitMo. In addition it means I made it through my first month (well almost given the four days off I just had) of work. Just the adjustment to work and its associated stress levels, that alone would have been, and has been, a lot. With this post I have completed my third NaBloPoMo "event" and I am rather proud of that. This one has been a rather emotional, self involved one but I think some inroads have been made.

As to the other two National Months, not quite as much was done but again given the above I'm pretty satisfied. I finished Owen's sweater, Miche's shawl is about 85% done, I actually did a little work on the sweater for Her Geekyness that I started last November for NaKniSweMo, and I cast on the matching sweater for Henry, Owen's little brother.

If I have picked up any new readers (I hardly ever check my stats),thanks for coming by and I hope you stick around. For my long time readers, I know I navel gazed a lot so I thank you for your indulgence.

Remember tomorrow is World AIDS Day. Take a moment to honor those who have died, those who are living with AIDS, consider making a donation or volunteering. Never assume that you don't know someone with AIDS.