If it makes you happy

Then why the hell are you so sad?

That is today question. Leaving Dayton was extremely hard, not because I didn't want to be done, but because I was done. A chapter is now closed. Certain hard truths came to light that challenged me, and will continue to, in my last days there.

I have been in California since Tuesday, staying with Glamour Gal and her amazing beau. Since then I have shopped, gossiped, worked, and began to tell those hard truths. Yesterday I went to see my dear friends from graduate school since my visit fortuitously coincided with the residential conference. It has been two years since I saw them, at which time I was on the brink of moving to Ohio, and now I have left there. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it was to see Sandra, Scott, Jennifer, Priscilla, John, Steven. A total unexpected treat to catch a few minutes with Annette and Jheri. My heart is full from spending time, some brief, some in depth with these people that have touched my life deeply. In many ways it was the same sort of experience as when I was a student, in other ways not, since it seemed overall a more subdued RC. Also it was not the same as I was now single, and I was telling hard truths about me, my relationship, my vague plans for finishing my degree, all of those things that I have been sitting with the last few months.

This morning I caught CalTrans down to San Jose to see more friends, these from my time of living out here. More bitter words spilled from my lips, which were parched from telling such sadness, hurt and anger; afraid of breaking other people's hearts just a bit in the process. Mostly though it was good, fabulous even to reconnect with these people. The occasion was Zaye's fifth birthday, hard to believe he is so big, so perfect still. It was wonderful to see his mamas and reassure myself that though contact had been limited, the affection and love has not faded as I had feared. Andrea & Liz's daughter Val is amazing, such an unusual beauty. The big surprise for me was seeing Wendy; we have always connected solidly, in a mildly flirtitous way and though she is happily coupled it was still fun to do just a little of that dance together.

Glamour Gal, Amazing Beau and I drove back to Berkeley in the Saab convertible with the top down as the dusk settled in, wind whipping my hair every which way and I was taken with unbelievable sadness. Sheryl Crow played for awhile and the title lyric hit me particularly hard because I am so happy, leaving was the right choice on so many levels and yet after these two days of reverie I am incredibly sadden by the very things that have brought me here, where I am happy. The truths that have been laid bare have made me incredibly sad, challenged me, left me feeling betrayal in a manner I have never felt before, and today in the car along with blocked tears I started to feel anger. A deep heart changing anger, a knowledge that I have lost an innocence I once had, a trust that I imbued happily on everyone, a willing suspension of disbelief that can not exist inside me anymore. Perhaps that is what is making me so angry and sad right now, because juxtiposed right up against my deep hurt is the Glamour Gal and Amazing Beau being so happy, so lovingly, all the things that I had hoped for, that I had pinned a future on in my last relationship. The two times I have taken a total leap of faith in love, ignored warning signs, fell in love in that way I don't believe in, I was left in a heap, crumbled and broken. My cyncism has done nothing but grow and that feels impossibly sad to me tonight.

I am sure some of my positivism and trust in people will return, at least I hope it does, but for tonight I am angry, sad, and feeling a little lost; longing for an alone space to curl up into and sleep endlessly, to snivel to myself, and to just be in my misery until I am ready to interact with people, to retreat to again and again. I do not have that right now. The closest I will get to such a thing is in a few more days, in a tent in the Sierra Nevada foothills, in between working and socializing. It is foolish to hope that my experience last year will repeat itself because moments like that are the ephianies that keep us going, and frankly I have had a few in unusual places of late so the best I can hope for in that desert climate is some sweet interactions, satisfying work, and just a few soul opening dance experiences. I'm not greedy. Well mostly not. So if I get just one or two of those things, it will be enough. Oh, and some good sleep would be nice too.

To Dharma: Rescue Me. From Dharma

I wish I knew how to fly, how to let my feelings fly around my head, appreciate their dips and soaring abilities; it would be amazing to just enjoy them regardless if there was bounding sadness looping around my head or the thrill of silence.

My pattern of wanting every one happy or at least not mad or sad, particularly at me is really I suspect my own discomfort with the anger and grief that resides in me; that if I can make others feel better than there is hope for me. It is the same magical thinking that I have about my mother, if she became truly sane and functional than I would be safe from the crazy. I don't want my presence in someone's life to make things harder for them, but I suspect it does, because, well I am crazy in my own way; because while I am a realist a lot of the time I feel like I spin tales, recast the better side of myself that leads people to think I am more than I am. When the truth comes out, they are disappointed and feel a bit trapped by the fantasy. Then they are mad. Then I am mad at me, at them; I want to save them from the sink hole I have dug for them but I can't. In truth I did not dig it, though perhaps I helped lead them to the sink hole that resides within, so I can't rescue them either. Everyone, especially me, needs to rescue themselves and yet I yearn to rescue, to help, to offer sixteen lights at the end of their tunnel.

Rescue me by Buckcherry seems the closest to how I feel right now, except it's all about me, no one else in my head and heart right now to do this for me. I have no idea who Buckcherry is, I just did a lyric search for "rescue me," just in case you are wondering about my music choices. I need to learn, deeply, make it my operating system, how to take care of me, how not to obsessively rescue others, not to lose me inside someone. It is scary, I know how to do the basics like housing, job, feeding; it is the deeper stuff - being alone, facing all my feelings without judgment, pampering me, taking care of my health on all levels. To honor my needs and wants without rationalizing why I shouldn't have them or meet them.

I feel a little like an addict, like everyday is going to be a struggle to make the best choice, to not bathe in the waters of someone else's needs, to not offer lifesavers before some one actually says they need one.

So today I claim as day one of recognizing my lack of control over or for other's people's feelings; that people will get mad at me, they have a right to their feelings, as do I; that I will continue to be as loving and supportive to everyone as I can while remembering to do the same for myself.

Putting One Foot In Front of the Other

Tomorrow is Monday. It is also the first of December meaning the end of NaBloPoMo, NaKniSweMo and NaKnitMo. In addition it means I made it through my first month (well almost given the four days off I just had) of work. Just the adjustment to work and its associated stress levels, that alone would have been, and has been, a lot. With this post I have completed my third NaBloPoMo "event" and I am rather proud of that. This one has been a rather emotional, self involved one but I think some inroads have been made.

As to the other two National Months, not quite as much was done but again given the above I'm pretty satisfied. I finished Owen's sweater, Miche's shawl is about 85% done, I actually did a little work on the sweater for Her Geekyness that I started last November for NaKniSweMo, and I cast on the matching sweater for Henry, Owen's little brother.

If I have picked up any new readers (I hardly ever check my stats),thanks for coming by and I hope you stick around. For my long time readers, I know I navel gazed a lot so I thank you for your indulgence.

Remember tomorrow is World AIDS Day. Take a moment to honor those who have died, those who are living with AIDS, consider making a donation or volunteering. Never assume that you don't know someone with AIDS.

An Eye on the Present, and the Future

A few days ago I received a direct message on Twitter from an online friend of about three years asking me to email her about life coaching. In essence she was offering me a session. I plead poverty. She responded by expressing a belief in "paying it forward". With tears in my eyes I accepted the offer. We have never spoken on the phone, never met in person. This afternoon was our phone call.

She was able to coalesce a whole lot of angst and stress very well and with a lot of empathy. The upshot is that ultimately I will pursue a degree and license to become a therapist. But what I need to do right now is face life a day a time; to stop trying to prepare for every contingency, hedging bets, etc.

Everyday before opening the day to my office I will shake off negativity, go there with a smile, do my work in the best way possible. My first goal is to get through the next month or so in order to actually get the job. After that just focus on getting through until June before talking to them about any summer time off for my other job. If I can't get the time I will have at least been financially solvent (relatively) during this time which is an area of big stress so that if negotiations fall apart I will be in a better place and at a point where I start getting paid by DNE. She also pointed out that after six months I might have made connections for a job elsewhere as a planner that would better fit my long term goals, but even if not, all the above will still be true as well.

In addition to that I had been thinking about ways to make this work and fit in other things that are important to me. Once upon a time I worked full time and managed to cook, garden, and who knows what else (hey it was a long time ago!). How can I do that now? That's another piece that I have been contemplating. Of course part of it involves getting up earlier which is a bit of a challenge; I want to do some stretching, pilates or something in the morning before work. The other place that is going to take some work is planning meals better. Okay at all. It has all fell to Her Geekyness. (No she hasn't found another job yet, so if y'all have any leads, let me know!) Which is reasonably fair given how stressful and exhausting this job has been, is not a state I want to keep and once she starts working won't be possible.

Aside from all this practical stuff, it was so wonderful to talk to Melissa live. Sometimes when I actually talk to someone I have known online their voice doesn't fit my imagination and it takes a bit to realign perceptions with reality. There was none of that dissonance talking her. She just sounded like Melissa. It is sweet to have bonds confirmed when you take them deeper.

Time to make a life calendar so I can stay in shape, meditate, eat well, and be a happier me. (M - let me know if I missed anything or misremembered something 'kay?)

Sometimes these things are just so right on

When I remember, on Sundays, I read Rob Brezny's horoscope in the paper. His "predictions" are on target in unique ways, and they are never the typical one liners. Have you read him? Since discovering him while living in Northampton and reading The Valley Advocate (sometimes referred to as The Barely Adequate") which runs his column, I am a fan.

Sometimes his horoscopes are more like an enigma, they require actual thought before you can shake your head in violent agreement or shrug it off as meaningless drivel. Actually I have often done neither because it can take the unfolding of the week before I can begin to make head's or tales of his writings as it might pertain to me.

This week however it was clear as day how it applied to me, how much it summed up my conundrum.

"Dear Rob: In the past I've thought of balance as the ability to move between extremes without falling down. I pride myself on being a Weeble-Wobbler, the toy that always swings back up when you try to tip it over. But lately I'm wondering if I should expand my concept of what we Libras do. I have fantasies of experimenting with a balance that more closely resembles walking on a railroad track. I could dip a foot here and there, first this side then that, just for fun, and still remain on the track. Maybe in time I could even dance on the rail. Your thoughts? - Libra in Expansion Mode." Dear Expander: The coming weeks would be a great time, astrologically speaking, to try the experiment you described.

I have more than fantasies of changing the way balance manifests in my life, particularly regarding work. Going from nothing to full-time, stressful, banging your head against the wall work is more like riding the pendulum than practicing a balancing act. Being in school and unable to write, to not being in school and still not writing, again not an even keel. Tiny periods of being flush with cash, the rest of time rummaging in the change jar for cat food - I detest that!

For many years I have prided myself on my ability to ride the wave, and inevitable crash; I do think it takes talent, grace, and perhaps a touch of stupidity. Perhaps it's age, perhaps it's the crashing of the economy, perhaps I'm tired of being tossed about by the tides. I still yearn for flexibility, I crave a reasonably consistent income without long dry seasons matched with the briefest periods of lush cash; my problem is how to meet what appear to be mutually exclusive goals. I feel like I am a jill of all trades, mistress of none (hush GWF!). That's not quite true but close enough to the truth to make me feel like I have thrown away too many years doing whatever rather than whatever I choose. This is not the best fiscal climate to build a niche self employment business, though I suppose that is merely an excuse. Sigh.

Okay enough navel gazing without a solution, I think I will knit or play Zuma. But before I sign off, seriously check out his horoscopes!

A touch of nostalgia

For the first time all winter the forecasters were right, we are getting a snow storm of some consequence. It started yesterday morning. Here is a photo from yesterday late morning.







It snowed all day, mostly not very heavy but very steady. TGF was released early from work yesterday which was kind of nice to have a full evening together unexpectedly. Some photos from last night.


All those spots in the photos?
Snow falling.








Since she also had today off, I took the boy out for his morning bathroom break which was a full on romp because he adores the snow. You would think he had been raised in the stuff what with his whining to go out because there is snow, making doggie snow angels, and burrowing his snout in the stuff. This morning several more inches that had fallen and I shoveled the front and back steps as well a bit of the sidewalk. I also discovered that we had moved from a blizzard warning (early afternoon yesterday) to a Level 2 Snow Emergency (as of sometime later yesterday)

A bit later I was taking a shower and thinking it would be lovely day to see Jeriann and Cody except the roads suck. Somehow from there my mind drifted to snow days like this in Massachusetts. When Michele and Mike lived across the street and it was day like this they could cross the street or call my ex and I to come over for pancakes. Snow days and pancakes became our ritual in the winters they lived there. A pang of homesickness, nostalgia, and a wistfulness to somehow recreate something like that overtook me. It is rather amazing that tears didn't start flowing.

Since I left Massachusetts Michele and my friendship deteriorated most horribly. Various things conspired to make it all much worse. In the end I decided to stop reaching out to her and have had no contact with her for over two years. I have missed her terribly since I left the east coast, I missed her more when it became untenable to continue to try to maintain a friendship. She was my housemate for about 3 years, lived across the street from me after that for another 2 years. I was present at all three of her children's births. We were like sisters but also more. She was very angry that I was left, that was part of the break, maybe a large part.

Earlier this week I finally dragged my butt to the post office to check the mail since I also had to put that scarf in the mail. It had been so long that I had to go back to the counter to collect my mail because the box couldn't hold it all. In between the junk mail, bills from credit cards that I haven't informed of my home address was a hand addressed envelope. The return address and handwriting were instantly familiar. She had written and wanted to try to rekindle our friendship, she missed me. I was caught so off guard that the only reaction I had was to laugh, rather hysterically, all the way home. In the end I emailed her, explained the lag time in responding (it was postmarked almost a month earlier). The next morning I had a response from her. I wrote a longer post answering some questions, like what the hell was I doing in Ohio (the envelope had the Casa de Cedar address). I haven't heard back from her and truthfully long to hear her voice so may give in and call. I am cautiously excited that I may be able to build a new road with her, to have my friend back in my life. But the snow and pancake days are clearly over.

Almost the same shot about 24 hours later.