Fools Rush In

That is the phrase I woke with in my head this morning, well once I finally consented to finally really get up. Waking before 6am when I fell asleep after 2am was not in my plans. I finally fell back to sleep and kept doing so until it was just ridiculous to try to avoid the world any longer.

I do not feel like a fool in a "I'm stupid" sort of way, more in the overly hopeful way, more in that I learn from mistakes but yet I keep trying certain things again and again because what if I were wrong.

This is a bit of a long way of saying I am single again. It has been in the works for a bit now but I wanted to wait until I was ready to disclose. I feel hurt, bruised, and very tired. Sad, very very sad. There have days of crying and inertia, also days of excellent distraction, moving forward in various areas.

As I had planned for myself upon before coming back to New Paltz (I've been here for a bit of time now) I investigated therapists (Happy D?) and will continue with one, at least for now; giving it some time to see if a good bond and good work happen.

Like before I will not be using this space to process what went on, or engage in a she said/she said type thing. Rather I will continue to examine my actions, my motivations, and my meanderings. I will also continue to write about my Utah experience because it was amazing.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

A Day in the Valley

No I didn't go anywhere, this is the metaphorical valley, where one resides when they fall from a lovely high. Last night I stayed up too late, tired but not wanting to give in to sleep, alone in a bed for the first time in two weeks. As the light rose I woke frequently but was now on the other side of things, not wanting to get up and face the day. Drifting in the in between state I thought how I didn't feel like hauling down to the city for Janet's performance (as much as I love her and wanted to go), nor was I feeling inspired to head up to New Paltz tomorrow for any part of the DNE weekend. I was in a wallowing mood. Feeling sad for myself at all the things I need to do that I have been setting aside.

I thought about why I wasn't enjoying this quietude more and I realized that staying at Sunny's is a stop gap, that I had left home behind with BC. Everywhere else has become the place I visit. But it just feels too soon, way too soon to move in so I am left with figuring out my next steps about where to be in between visits home.

As much as I have loved the last seven plus months of bouncing about, it is getting a little old, harder to focus within all this. There are time I so want a dresser and a closet that it is almost an ache. In the meantime I will hang things up here at Sunny's, finally, instead of having them in five different places. It's a step towards normalcy.

So tonight I am in my little packed room of stuff, mostly Sunny's but my mess overruns the space as well, missing my sweetheart, taking a break from knitting, making a list of the things I will accomplish in the next two weeks before I go home again, home again jiggity jig.

If it makes you happy

Then why the hell are you so sad?

That is today question. Leaving Dayton was extremely hard, not because I didn't want to be done, but because I was done. A chapter is now closed. Certain hard truths came to light that challenged me, and will continue to, in my last days there.

I have been in California since Tuesday, staying with Glamour Gal and her amazing beau. Since then I have shopped, gossiped, worked, and began to tell those hard truths. Yesterday I went to see my dear friends from graduate school since my visit fortuitously coincided with the residential conference. It has been two years since I saw them, at which time I was on the brink of moving to Ohio, and now I have left there. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it was to see Sandra, Scott, Jennifer, Priscilla, John, Steven. A total unexpected treat to catch a few minutes with Annette and Jheri. My heart is full from spending time, some brief, some in depth with these people that have touched my life deeply. In many ways it was the same sort of experience as when I was a student, in other ways not, since it seemed overall a more subdued RC. Also it was not the same as I was now single, and I was telling hard truths about me, my relationship, my vague plans for finishing my degree, all of those things that I have been sitting with the last few months.

This morning I caught CalTrans down to San Jose to see more friends, these from my time of living out here. More bitter words spilled from my lips, which were parched from telling such sadness, hurt and anger; afraid of breaking other people's hearts just a bit in the process. Mostly though it was good, fabulous even to reconnect with these people. The occasion was Zaye's fifth birthday, hard to believe he is so big, so perfect still. It was wonderful to see his mamas and reassure myself that though contact had been limited, the affection and love has not faded as I had feared. Andrea & Liz's daughter Val is amazing, such an unusual beauty. The big surprise for me was seeing Wendy; we have always connected solidly, in a mildly flirtitous way and though she is happily coupled it was still fun to do just a little of that dance together.

Glamour Gal, Amazing Beau and I drove back to Berkeley in the Saab convertible with the top down as the dusk settled in, wind whipping my hair every which way and I was taken with unbelievable sadness. Sheryl Crow played for awhile and the title lyric hit me particularly hard because I am so happy, leaving was the right choice on so many levels and yet after these two days of reverie I am incredibly sadden by the very things that have brought me here, where I am happy. The truths that have been laid bare have made me incredibly sad, challenged me, left me feeling betrayal in a manner I have never felt before, and today in the car along with blocked tears I started to feel anger. A deep heart changing anger, a knowledge that I have lost an innocence I once had, a trust that I imbued happily on everyone, a willing suspension of disbelief that can not exist inside me anymore. Perhaps that is what is making me so angry and sad right now, because juxtiposed right up against my deep hurt is the Glamour Gal and Amazing Beau being so happy, so lovingly, all the things that I had hoped for, that I had pinned a future on in my last relationship. The two times I have taken a total leap of faith in love, ignored warning signs, fell in love in that way I don't believe in, I was left in a heap, crumbled and broken. My cyncism has done nothing but grow and that feels impossibly sad to me tonight.

I am sure some of my positivism and trust in people will return, at least I hope it does, but for tonight I am angry, sad, and feeling a little lost; longing for an alone space to curl up into and sleep endlessly, to snivel to myself, and to just be in my misery until I am ready to interact with people, to retreat to again and again. I do not have that right now. The closest I will get to such a thing is in a few more days, in a tent in the Sierra Nevada foothills, in between working and socializing. It is foolish to hope that my experience last year will repeat itself because moments like that are the ephianies that keep us going, and frankly I have had a few in unusual places of late so the best I can hope for in that desert climate is some sweet interactions, satisfying work, and just a few soul opening dance experiences. I'm not greedy. Well mostly not. So if I get just one or two of those things, it will be enough. Oh, and some good sleep would be nice too.

Landing but the ride has only begun *

As I suspected I did not sleep well. Too hot, tossed and turned. Slept two hours woke up cranky but back to sleep quickly only to wake two hours after that. Woke around 7 am and decided to just be awake.

The radio provided memories and feelings again today. At some point I remembered that a song played yesterday that brought a name for the long ago past up from the depths. Mr. Keirmeyer? Something like that. He was my gym and health education teacher back in junior high. He was an unlikely ally in my burgeoning adolescence which was heavily colored by depression. If I remember correctly he reached out to me and to my mother to act as a support. It has been probably decades since I thought of him; he was blond and really tall as I remember.

This morning I heard "Addicted" by Saving Abel, a favorite song of Her Geekyness. It's totally her kind of song but I also like it; the sound of it works. Then I heard a song became a favorite of mine when I heard on So You Think You Can Dance, it was one of my favorite numbers from the last season. Stark played this as the second song of that incredible set at DNE this summer. I adore everything about this piece. As I sang along this morning the tears flowed without thought, just pure sadness, loss. Immediately after this I changed stations and I caught the end of a bizarre song that rarely gets played anywhere, which luckily just made me laugh as if I was just as mad as the lyrics implies.

Somehow near the end of my trip I totally missed a turn off and drove an additional good fifty miles to my already long day. I am going to blame Dawn who in an attempt to get me hooked on audiobooks, succeeded as I listened to Nick Hornby's "A Long Way Down" - it's amazing! Yesteday I had started the other book she gave me, Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. Unfortunately the second cd had a skip and I had to stop listening to it yesterday. Dawn may have convinced me of the charm of audio books, at least while driving - great stuff. Plus these were two truly excellent choices, from what I've heard so far! Of course almost no food all day and emotional/physical exhaustion may have contributed to the extra drive time as well.

In the end, after eight hours of being on the road I landed at Sunny's. Sunny kindly put me in her amazing massage chair for 15 minutes which was a miraculous experience. Afterwards I announced that while I realized I need to not be in a relationship right now I wanted to marry this chair (not sure this is exact one but she has one very much like it!). We went out to dinner and afterwards I began to get settled in the basement space. I also checked the boxes I had shipped and realized that all of my Cooks Illustrated bound magazine volumes had gotten lost. It is very sad but at least I know exactly which books I am missing. Sigh. This will be an expensive thing to replace. Oh well, another opportunity to practice letting go.

Now I just feel rather surreal and am trying to make friends with this hobo life I have assigned myself for the moment.

*Thanks to Dru for inspiration of the post title.