It's December 1st and the first day to try a new attitude about work. I will confess the positivity is not flowing freely. Perhaps a cwaptastic night of sleep is to blame in part. though right at the moment I am distracted, happily, by my three light colored kittens almost playing together - quite a breakthrough. And the moment has passed as they are each on their merry way. Perhaps that is a reminder to take each moment, and try to find some joy even if it is brief.
I have been thinking of writing a post about how my dog is my daily zen lesson but perhaps it really is the cats. I am more of cat person by nature anyway. Marcelle came up on the bed this morning for a cuddle. Instead of craving sleep or crabbing about having to wake up, I found happiness in petting her, having her sniff my face and tentatively lick at the combination of sleep and tears in my eye. After walking the dog, and attempting to find some zen in that moment that was cold and dark, I sat on the couch to check email. Lila, the newest baby - she is still so small, came up on my lap for her morning check in as she often does. She is the one that is truly "my" cat of the six (yes I said six, yes I know we moved here with only four) and I appreciate having that special bond so much it is hard to explain to folks who aren't cat, or even animal people. She is staring at me while she sits on the dog bed now while I type. She just ran over to squeak in my face and sit on my hands as I type.
Sorry I just had to pet her. So often I wish I could take her to work with me. It wouldn't work on so many levels but I swear it would make my day better. She is sitting on my left wrist as a type now, batting at her own tail.
It's now time to get dressed and put a face on. My lunch got packed last night, just need to grab it. Melissa, I am going to give it all that I have today but I may wind up crying in the bathroom at some point. It's just where I am right now.
Showing posts with label cats. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cats. Show all posts
Monday, December 01, 2008
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Baby steps
In my last post I mentioned creating a schedule for myself - it has built in times to study (three 1 hour slots per day, rotating my courses), garden, knit, clean, plus a list of other things that need doing randomly. In classic Dharma fashion I have not followed the schedule much at all except that I do use it as a guide when I find myself being aimless. Thus the last few days (even today and the weekends are not scheduled at all) have been pretty productive.
The other day I officially did more work in my Assessing Persons class than I ever managed to do when I first tried taking it two years ago. I actually read one entire article (out of the 5 articles plus 2 book chapters that are to be read for Unit 1 - we are not discussing how many units there are, nor how freaking big that course reader is, nope not doing it).
I just came in from working on the yard, well the sidewalk side of our yard - yeesh! What a mess and I didn't even get to that ugly section that neither one of us have been able to bring ourselves to deal with.
My secret project #1 got worked on for a bit last night, plus secret project #2 is more than half done - so knitting is happening. I will probably cast on soon for T'Mane's next garment. Last night I looked at the pattern and am not looking forward to casting on something like 225 stitches. Also it looks like I will need to buy a new circular needle for the project but first I will swatch on some straights to make sure of the size.
The biggest news is that I am actually in the bedroom at night before 11:30 (my goal is 11:00) and have gotten out of bed - including today which please note is a Saturday - at about 8:00am which is my goal. First thing I make coffee, feed animals, put a load of laundry in and/or deal with the dishes. It's amazing.
My loyal readers might have noticed I have been slacking in my postings, but have no fear, even blogging is on my schedule with a goal of three posts per week. If I am feeling terribly witty or have a serious rant it may be more often.
Yesterday I was rather crabby but rather than shrug it off and be sulkily silent which I can only imagine is terribly frustrating to TGF, I actually spoke to her before taking anything out on her. Novel idea, no? In part it is school and money the ongoing stressors at Casa de Cedar, but very specifically it was one week since Saana's death. Last night Marcelle was going absolutely crazy for some cookies TGF was nibbling on and actually used her paws to grab TGF's hand toward her mouth - a skill Saana excelled at. It was nice to feel like referencing her did not bring on tears.
I am looking forward to continuing on this path though there is about to be all sorts of things to disturb it. Sunny, my mother, is coming for a visit for about 6 days, starting a week from Tuesday. Yesterday we just found out that Jer, TGF's friend from Ohio is swooping into town for an interview and she arrives on the Monday before Sunny arrives and leaves Wednesday. For complex reasons Sunny will not be staying at Casa de Cedar but very close by at this hopefully lovely spot. This should help keep balance and sanity for all parties. Speaking of parties, we are having one in Sunny's honour, so if any of my readers who were thinking of visiting this would be a great time. I mean, the house will be clean. Plus Sunny will be here. Seriously what more could you want?
The other day I officially did more work in my Assessing Persons class than I ever managed to do when I first tried taking it two years ago. I actually read one entire article (out of the 5 articles plus 2 book chapters that are to be read for Unit 1 - we are not discussing how many units there are, nor how freaking big that course reader is, nope not doing it).
I just came in from working on the yard, well the sidewalk side of our yard - yeesh! What a mess and I didn't even get to that ugly section that neither one of us have been able to bring ourselves to deal with.
My secret project #1 got worked on for a bit last night, plus secret project #2 is more than half done - so knitting is happening. I will probably cast on soon for T'Mane's next garment. Last night I looked at the pattern and am not looking forward to casting on something like 225 stitches. Also it looks like I will need to buy a new circular needle for the project but first I will swatch on some straights to make sure of the size.
The biggest news is that I am actually in the bedroom at night before 11:30 (my goal is 11:00) and have gotten out of bed - including today which please note is a Saturday - at about 8:00am which is my goal. First thing I make coffee, feed animals, put a load of laundry in and/or deal with the dishes. It's amazing.
My loyal readers might have noticed I have been slacking in my postings, but have no fear, even blogging is on my schedule with a goal of three posts per week. If I am feeling terribly witty or have a serious rant it may be more often.
Yesterday I was rather crabby but rather than shrug it off and be sulkily silent which I can only imagine is terribly frustrating to TGF, I actually spoke to her before taking anything out on her. Novel idea, no? In part it is school and money the ongoing stressors at Casa de Cedar, but very specifically it was one week since Saana's death. Last night Marcelle was going absolutely crazy for some cookies TGF was nibbling on and actually used her paws to grab TGF's hand toward her mouth - a skill Saana excelled at. It was nice to feel like referencing her did not bring on tears.
I am looking forward to continuing on this path though there is about to be all sorts of things to disturb it. Sunny, my mother, is coming for a visit for about 6 days, starting a week from Tuesday. Yesterday we just found out that Jer, TGF's friend from Ohio is swooping into town for an interview and she arrives on the Monday before Sunny arrives and leaves Wednesday. For complex reasons Sunny will not be staying at Casa de Cedar but very close by at this hopefully lovely spot. This should help keep balance and sanity for all parties. Speaking of parties, we are having one in Sunny's honour, so if any of my readers who were thinking of visiting this would be a great time. I mean, the house will be clean. Plus Sunny will be here. Seriously what more could you want?
Friday, March 16, 2007
Saana Bella: The gift of love
She and her sister, Marcelle (nee Marcel) arrived in a small purse carried by Sarah B. Together they weighed twelve ounces and both could fit in my small hand at nine days old.
Quickly they grew out of the cardboard box, even more rapidly they, especially Saana, climbed out of the playpen scored from Freecycle. We worried about Atticus's response to the kittens as he has always wanted to be an only child but within hours of a feisty hissing from Saana he was smitten. First with her but then he took Marcelle under his wing as well.
We swore we were not keeping these babies, denying how in love with them we were. Quickly we forgot the bottle feedings and daily wash load of poopy towels. Atticus made it clear that he believed we got these little beings for him as he watched over them, bathed them and napped draping his gray body around them.
Saana never let TGF dress or undress in peace for every time she bent over Saana jumped on her back leaving her hunched over trying to coax a kitten off her back. She made Wyatt share his snacks by taking the dried chicken strip pieces out of his mouth.
A stuffed miniature dingo came with a kid's meal from one of the fast food places and Saana carried it around in her mouth alternatively like a kitten or her kill, trilling as she roamed the house with it.
Saana reached up on your legs to ask to picked up just as a toddler raises her hands and say "uppie". Impossible to refuse her sweet, pleading eyes. She had taken to asking for morning cuddles with me, going under the covers, resting her head under my chin. With her two front paws she would grab fingers when she wanted to be stroked.
Saana was fearless of everything, life was a banquet of adventure and she wanted to sample all that there was out there. It is hard to be angry at her spirit, even if it was that gusto that caused her death. She was the only one of the cats that had no fear of anything, including cars.
This morning TGF noted that Saana was not around when we went to bed. She had disappeared before and upon her arrival back at home received a stern talking to but it had little long term impact as her absence this morning proved.
"I think I saw Saana under the car." The tone in TGF's voice told me everything but I held onto a whisper of hope. We went out the front door, before crossing the threshold she looked at my feet which were clad in socks and said "You're going like that?" Across the street, under the Purple Beast I saw something and my heart stopped. At the first break in traffic I ran across still hoping against hope that she was saving her energy.
Down on my knees I reached underneath. TGF saw the truth as I reached to touch her fur and returned to the house for a cloth. Sobbing I reached for my girl and held her, there in my shoeless state on the asphalt. TGF came back, draping the pillowcase over her; she carried her back across the street to lay her on the ground below the house steps. She went into the house and I sat on the steps. Gently I lifted my baby into my arms and stroked her fur, tickled at her belly. Her body was stiff but her ears were still soft and malleable, her tail sprung back awkwardly when moved. I talked to her, wondering if we had found her earlier if she would have lived, with the next breath hoping she didn't suffer and that her end came quickly without pain.
When I ran across the street and scooped her up I flashed on an event that happened more than 15 years prior. I was working at a veterinary hospital. Late one night while I was at the front desk a couple ran in - the man was carrying his dog, sobbing uncontrollably. His dog had been hit by a car. Grief enveloped the space and I felt like I could not get enough air in my lungs. I swore while standing there taking information, comforting that I would never let an animal in that deep again. At the time Sybil, my beautiful Turkish Van girl gripped my heart and I swore she would be the last to hold me that tight. For better or worse I have kept my beloved animals at a distance. Few have gotten really deep and I have not expressed deep grieving over their deaths. Scully came the closest and I miss him always.
Until a year ago I had never seen the body of any of my animals when they passed. Living in western Massachusetts they all went off to die, or were taken by a coyote but I never saw it. Never buried an animal. In June 2005, we woke to find one of our foster kittens, Larissa, had died. Tiny, limp body with the softest fur. Robin, another foster, never woke from her spay but I never saw her. Late October, for the first time I had to put an animal down, my beloved Elliott - who had grabbed my heart in that way I swore against. Somehow my heart has become unguarded. I do think it's connected to my relationship with TGF - there is an unguarded quality with her and now it's extending outward. My love for Saana ran through my blood, touching all my cells. It is the same for all the animals, though they each have a special place they tug.
I am not angry about her death but the loss feels uncontainable and inescapable right now. I know that she was enjoying life completely right up until she was hit, that she was in her element - exploring and being fascinated by the world. I do want to know how to tell the universe that I get it, that I cannot be shut off from deep feelings and that the lessons can stop now.
Quickly they grew out of the cardboard box, even more rapidly they, especially Saana, climbed out of the playpen scored from Freecycle. We worried about Atticus's response to the kittens as he has always wanted to be an only child but within hours of a feisty hissing from Saana he was smitten. First with her but then he took Marcelle under his wing as well.
We swore we were not keeping these babies, denying how in love with them we were. Quickly we forgot the bottle feedings and daily wash load of poopy towels. Atticus made it clear that he believed we got these little beings for him as he watched over them, bathed them and napped draping his gray body around them.
Saana never let TGF dress or undress in peace for every time she bent over Saana jumped on her back leaving her hunched over trying to coax a kitten off her back. She made Wyatt share his snacks by taking the dried chicken strip pieces out of his mouth.
A stuffed miniature dingo came with a kid's meal from one of the fast food places and Saana carried it around in her mouth alternatively like a kitten or her kill, trilling as she roamed the house with it.
Saana reached up on your legs to ask to picked up just as a toddler raises her hands and say "uppie". Impossible to refuse her sweet, pleading eyes. She had taken to asking for morning cuddles with me, going under the covers, resting her head under my chin. With her two front paws she would grab fingers when she wanted to be stroked.
Saana was fearless of everything, life was a banquet of adventure and she wanted to sample all that there was out there. It is hard to be angry at her spirit, even if it was that gusto that caused her death. She was the only one of the cats that had no fear of anything, including cars.
This morning TGF noted that Saana was not around when we went to bed. She had disappeared before and upon her arrival back at home received a stern talking to but it had little long term impact as her absence this morning proved.
"I think I saw Saana under the car." The tone in TGF's voice told me everything but I held onto a whisper of hope. We went out the front door, before crossing the threshold she looked at my feet which were clad in socks and said "You're going like that?" Across the street, under the Purple Beast I saw something and my heart stopped. At the first break in traffic I ran across still hoping against hope that she was saving her energy.
Down on my knees I reached underneath. TGF saw the truth as I reached to touch her fur and returned to the house for a cloth. Sobbing I reached for my girl and held her, there in my shoeless state on the asphalt. TGF came back, draping the pillowcase over her; she carried her back across the street to lay her on the ground below the house steps. She went into the house and I sat on the steps. Gently I lifted my baby into my arms and stroked her fur, tickled at her belly. Her body was stiff but her ears were still soft and malleable, her tail sprung back awkwardly when moved. I talked to her, wondering if we had found her earlier if she would have lived, with the next breath hoping she didn't suffer and that her end came quickly without pain.
When I ran across the street and scooped her up I flashed on an event that happened more than 15 years prior. I was working at a veterinary hospital. Late one night while I was at the front desk a couple ran in - the man was carrying his dog, sobbing uncontrollably. His dog had been hit by a car. Grief enveloped the space and I felt like I could not get enough air in my lungs. I swore while standing there taking information, comforting that I would never let an animal in that deep again. At the time Sybil, my beautiful Turkish Van girl gripped my heart and I swore she would be the last to hold me that tight. For better or worse I have kept my beloved animals at a distance. Few have gotten really deep and I have not expressed deep grieving over their deaths. Scully came the closest and I miss him always.
Until a year ago I had never seen the body of any of my animals when they passed. Living in western Massachusetts they all went off to die, or were taken by a coyote but I never saw it. Never buried an animal. In June 2005, we woke to find one of our foster kittens, Larissa, had died. Tiny, limp body with the softest fur. Robin, another foster, never woke from her spay but I never saw her. Late October, for the first time I had to put an animal down, my beloved Elliott - who had grabbed my heart in that way I swore against. Somehow my heart has become unguarded. I do think it's connected to my relationship with TGF - there is an unguarded quality with her and now it's extending outward. My love for Saana ran through my blood, touching all my cells. It is the same for all the animals, though they each have a special place they tug.
I am not angry about her death but the loss feels uncontainable and inescapable right now. I know that she was enjoying life completely right up until she was hit, that she was in her element - exploring and being fascinated by the world. I do want to know how to tell the universe that I get it, that I cannot be shut off from deep feelings and that the lessons can stop now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)