TGF, Jeriann, and I went to the Planned Parenthood book sale just up the road at the Montgomery Country Fairgrounds (fair warning the site bites rock). There are literally hundreds of thousands of books really, really cheap. Mostly they are sorted by categories and kept in them but once in awhile one could find "He's Just Not That into You" in multiple sections like: Women and Psychology. Psychology? Oh please. Well it's all done by volunteers.
Last year I went with Andi on the last day when it's $5 for a bag of book - a deep bargain. Today we paid the actual prices and between the two of us we spent $32 for three bags of books, still not a bad deal. I replaced my disintegrated copy of the Vegetarian Epicure more for nostalgic value than anything else. Because I cannot pass up southern based cookbooks often I snagged Special Recipes from the Charleston Cake Lady. In looking for links, I just noted that she died back in January, sad. The coolest find in this subject area was Esquire's Handbook for Hosts, published in 1949! I found this posting which includes great PDFs from this incredible kitchy book (Hi Squeezeknits!)
I purchased Family Keleidoscope by Salvador Minuchin with the notion that one day I will finish my degree and do family therapy work. In my studies I read lots about the man's contributions to the field but nothing by him. It seems like it might be quite readable unlike some of the pioneers in the field.
Once I learned we we going to this event I decided to scan the computer section to see if I could pick up anything that might be useful in my new job. The plan in my head had been to go to the library but since this was actually happening and getting to the library might not happen I figured it was worth looking around. For a buck I picked up MS Office 2000, yeah I know we are using 2007 but I figured it would at least give me a brush up on the basics; for the hell of it and another .60 cents I scored The Complete Idiot's Guide to Creating an HTML 4 Web Page, complete with cd-rom I mean I have a domain name and nothing on it plus I figure it could be a help in the job, or the next one.
I continue to dream, hope, and plan to write more so to that end I snagged The Right to Write by Julia Cameron (I had no idea she was married To Martin Scorsese!) and Writing for Your Life: A Guide and Companion to the Inner Worlds by Deena Metzger, whom I find inspiring in general though I have read little of her work. During the summer after a conversation with Sunny and starting a different book, I decided to ditch Woman's Book of Creativity because it just dragged which seems an antithesis to the subject, you know? The book which I started that I loved The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp who I almost worship. Almost only because I do not to worship people. It is hard to think that I would love to hang out with Twyla based on my reading because she comes across as demanding and a bit of a control freak. She also comes across as amazingly honest which is rather endearing. Here is what I wrote over on Goodreads when I started this book:
OMG I am in love! My other creativity book (Ealy) has been dragging - it has good tidbits but it's a fairly dull read about creativity. But this? It reached out and shook me from page 1. It's library borrow but I think I might have to own this one to reread it from time to time.
I have loved Twyla Tharp forever. In reading this book so far I can see she is incredibly anal, perhaps even would be classified as OCD via the DSM-IV but she is brilliant and honest in this book, asking really deep questions and opening up herself as an example. In reading the first 40 pages or so I spent the next day regurgitating tons of stuff - I was that enthralled. It's a joy to read.
Consider this a recommendation without even finishing the damn book. I can only hope that the two books I just picked up begin to touch me the way Twyla's did. Now of course I need to borrow that book and begin it again. Maybe in December as November is pretty full what with my knitting goals, NaBloPomo, and work. All in all I am pleased with all I bought today for less than $12.00.
I believe it tolls for me. Two months have passed during which I had planned to be writing papers. The books haven't even been unpacked. Due to lack of payment of administrative fees associated with taking my leave of absence, I have been administratively withdrawn. As I have scanned help wanted ads in two states it seems that as much as I love the focus of doing the marriage & family therapy route, it's not that practical. The plan had been to write papers this fall/winter (which could still happen), reenroll with a change in concentration and finish up in the spring semester with an MA in Psychology and reassess things. However that will cost a LOT of money.
Now I have been thinking of writing the papers just for me, start paying back loans in the spring and apply to a local MSW program. It as been weighing on my mind a lot. It has probably been contributing to my on and off again depression, night anxiety, and inertia. I am burdened by my "should" list, my "should have done" list, my "what if" list. There are more, but you get the idea.
So today I researched some local schools that offer MSW degree and have requested information from two of them. Unfortunately any other school requires the GREs. Ugh. The practice session I did on the spur of the moment a few years ago was god awful and I really sucked. This could be a very ugly process.
I wish I knew someone, objective and informed on the degrees and job market to talk to about this decision, path, last ditch effort to pull a master's out of this procrastinating body of mine. If any of my four readers have any ideas, let me know.
I cannot imagine how I forgot this! Last Friday I went to my school's Residential Conference, just to visit people. I am much too impoverished and peeved at some of the higher level staff to actually attend but I could not imagine not seeing people.
The first person I saw was Ray who wasn't supposed to be there, which is essentially what we said to each other. It appears the rumors ran fast and furious that I had already moved to Ohio and that I had dropped out of school.
It was so good to see Jennifer, the best hotel roommate ever. Kerrie looked gorgeous and is really blossoming. It turned out that Mary never moved up to SF which I thought she was going to do. I briefly saw Rick who practically begged me to stay in touch, after offers his sympathies on my impending move. Scott, my bodhisattva buddy, brought his wife and daughter - such an incredible soul. And in the "OMG what is he thinking" catagory, my pal Steve is engaged to someone he has been dating 23 weeks (he said, "What is that anniversary, paper clips?" At least he is funny about it.). Though she was there, I didn't really get a chance to chat with Candice but did connect well with her sweetheart. Several of us offered dating tips to Sheri. Unfortunately I only saw Angela for a brief moment but it was sweet. Theopia and I had many good laughs. My all night buddy from last June's RC, Sandra, actually cried when she saw me. One of the best things I heard, and many wonderful things were said to me that night, was Sandra telling she didn't realize how much she loved me until I wasn't there.
I wish I had known how widespread the rumor was because I sure could have used a sandwich board saying "not yet but soon" and "maybe" to the move and leaving school because I repeated myself endlessly. It was a good move on my part to go but it did bring up feelings of sadness. I will really miss this piece of my life when it really over.
This is a post where I mostly complain, wildly, about being unemployed. Consider yourself warned.
As you may have deduced, my fair reader, though I plug away and even get interviews there has not been an offer of a job no matter how mundane or measly. Where did we last leave off.... There was the two part interview for Casa de Vida in Oakland, a transitional program for folks with a lot of time in the mental health maze. Received my "thank you but no and by the way if you want relief work" letter while Sunny was here.
Then there was the absolutely lovely interview at Title Nine. No really, it was great. I really thought I had a solid chance there and beside they have a gym on site, she says longingly. Not even a quick email from Anne. I finally wrote her a witty one where I said it was lovely to meet her and blah, blah, blah.
Last Monday I had an interview with Family Stress. It seems like a fabulous agency and I really enjoyed the woman who interviewed me. I can't say it was a fun interview but I appreciated her quick and discerning manner. The entire time I was thinking, "She'd be a hard but fantastic supervisor." I interviewed for two positions, the one I said would kill me but pay my bills that I knew about, plus another one with few hours and thus doable but bills would still be a problem. The upside to few hours one would be the ability to plug in other work. In today's mail came a letter {sigh} however she did say that she was sending my resume onto human resources as she thinks I have a lot to offer the agency. The job on Treasure Island (no useful public transportation) with Swords to Plowshares was a job I could do in my sleep. Seriously. Not one word since last Tuesday. The silence is deafening, you know?
Monday I interviewed at This Little Piggy Wears Cotton. Adorable clothing. Lousy pay. Close enough I could walk. All doable. But the stuff there? Really, shop there even if they don't have the sense to hire me.
This morning TGF forwards me a listing from craigslist that was under Gigs/Computer, a place I never look and she for obvious reasons does. One day a week, data entry. I whip off a clever little email joking about needing some funds while racking up scads of loan debt but forget to attach a resume. For some reason I thought they didn't want one. Luckily immediately after sending the email I check the ad again. In a classic V-8 le duh moment, I shoot off another email with a resume. Within 30 minutes they call! So I am marching down for another interview at 2:00 today.
Almost everyday I send at least one application somewhere in the vast universe of employment. Hell I sent one to a job in Palo Alto (about 35 miles which means an hour of driving)- talk about inconvenient location! But at this point I figure the net has to be the size of a small nation to land a job.
Can I just say it burns my butt big time to see the House o' Sperm advertising for the position I interviewed for back in November? Seriously they have been running the ad for awhile now. They coulda had me! I have some background in the position, personal as well as professional, but nooooooo. Apparently no one wants to, or can make HoS believe they will commit to two years - for a freaking part-time job in an unstable market.
Okay, enough ranting because seriously I could go on about the places I see advertising that either never called me or didn't hire me. Alright there really are very few, but any at all make steam come out of my ears.
The positives right now are TGF and I are talking about hard stuff without fighting about it. What hard stuff you ask, you nosy bumpkin you? Money, or rather the alarming lack of it with little prospect of getting any. About that we are a bit of out of sync. Hm, could the aforementioned mind numbing job searches and bill pile have anything to that? Naw.
This week I have worked out , albeit briefly, every morning. I have a bit of a routine going. And school? I turned in one of the six overdue papers on Sunday. It's a piece of rot gut and I sort of warned the professor so I won't be surprised if he sends it back for more work but I hit the freaking send button. The last three days I have actually spent 2-3 hours each day on school work. Actually reading chapters, organizing my work, reading my online discussions, piping in here and there.
Twice in the last 5 days or so I actually cooked. I mean something other than making boxed mac & cheese, or throwing a frozen pizza in the oven. Really chopping veggies and everything. Two dishes from Moosewood Cooks at Home, one of my favorite cookbooks, ever. Cauliflower Paprikash one night, and Fragrant Noodles (with my own crispy tofu) the other. The first dish I've made before and TGF likes this one so that was easy. The other, let's just say I'm enjoying the leftovers.
Oh and I've been trying to knit, at least a little at night. One of these years I will finish the secret project. It's lovely, easy and not that huge but it's a bit endless at least for me right now. After a lot of fidgeting I have T'Mane's Swing Top started and it's looking decent so far but I only done about 2 inches of it.
So that's most of the news from Casa de Cedar where all the animals are good looking and above average.
In my last post I mentioned creating a schedule for myself - it has built in times to study (three 1 hour slots per day, rotating my courses), garden, knit, clean, plus a list of other things that need doing randomly. In classic Dharma fashion I have not followed the schedule much at all except that I do use it as a guide when I find myself being aimless. Thus the last few days (even today and the weekends are not scheduled at all) have been pretty productive.
The other day I officially did more work in my Assessing Persons class than I ever managed to do when I first tried taking it two years ago. I actually read one entire article (out of the 5 articles plus 2 book chapters that are to be read for Unit 1 - we are not discussing how many units there are, nor how freaking big that course reader is, nope not doing it).
I just came in from working on the yard, well the sidewalk side of our yard - yeesh! What a mess and I didn't even get to that ugly section that neither one of us have been able to bring ourselves to deal with.
My secret project #1 got worked on for a bit last night, plus secret project #2 is more than half done - so knitting is happening. I will probably cast on soon for T'Mane's next garment. Last night I looked at the pattern and am not looking forward to casting on something like 225 stitches. Also it looks like I will need to buy a new circular needle for the project but first I will swatch on some straights to make sure of the size.
The biggest news is that I am actually in the bedroom at night before 11:30 (my goal is 11:00) and have gotten out of bed - including today which please note is a Saturday - at about 8:00am which is my goal. First thing I make coffee, feed animals, put a load of laundry in and/or deal with the dishes. It's amazing.
My loyal readers might have noticed I have been slacking in my postings, but have no fear, even blogging is on my schedule with a goal of three posts per week. If I am feeling terribly witty or have a serious rant it may be more often.
Yesterday I was rather crabby but rather than shrug it off and be sulkily silent which I can only imagine is terribly frustrating to TGF, I actually spoke to her before taking anything out on her. Novel idea, no? In part it is school and money the ongoing stressors at Casa de Cedar, but very specifically it was one week since Saana's death. Last night Marcelle was going absolutely crazy for some cookies TGF was nibbling on and actually used her paws to grab TGF's hand toward her mouth - a skill Saana excelled at. It was nice to feel like referencing her did not bring on tears.
I am looking forward to continuing on this path though there is about to be all sorts of things to disturb it. Sunny, my mother, is coming for a visit for about 6 days, starting a week from Tuesday. Yesterday we just found out that Jer, TGF's friend from Ohio is swooping into town for an interview and she arrives on the Monday before Sunny arrives and leaves Wednesday. For complex reasons Sunny will not be staying at Casa de Cedar but very close by at this hopefully lovely spot. This should help keep balance and sanity for all parties. Speaking of parties, we are having one in Sunny's honour, so if any of my readers who were thinking of visiting this would be a great time. I mean, the house will be clean. Plus Sunny will be here. Seriously what more could you want?
I just mentioned feeling a bit spent and TGF replied said I had worked hard today. Yeah, for a few hours. Doing what you might ask. I finished my second paper for Relationship and Family Interventions. Hee-freaking-haw! Really. The professor even said he would try to read it in time for finishing my course evaluation. So cool! Yeah, I still owe the second paper for Ethics but damn, I did it.
This semester has been a real season of progress for me. Throughout the "more semesters than I want to acknowledge" experience of graduate school I have struggled mightily with a deep paralysis when it came to writing papers. Some of the papers were really not hard I thought as I sat at the computer when they were done, wondering what I was so scared of, what made up my fear. Granted I haven't loved every paper I produced but I wrote and wrote and wrote. Someone wondered why I would have a blog with all that is going on in my world, but I think it helped. While it is true that I have turned a few select blog entries into assignments (obviously the less academically rigorous ones), and even turned assignments into blog postings, I think the act of writing anything at all has helped. But perhaps more importantly to inducing the change has been some of what I have written about - my work struggles, procrastination, relationships, a place to vent my frustration at my school work performance- it freed something. As I wrote on my blog's first birthday this outlet has helped me focus all areas of creativity: writing, photography, and knitting, even cooking though not as frequently.
One more paper and maybe an assignment or two and I will take a few days off. Not the way that I have done for the past 29 months (yes that's 2 years and 5 month) where I do not do schoolwork but even if I kind of give me self some kind of permission not to (like out of town guests) do work, I am constantly thinking I be should working. After a full day having fun I sit in my living room at 10:20pm calculating how if I stay up for 3 more hours I could get X amount of work done. Yeah, that's healthy. No, if all goes well starting on TGF's birthday I am officially, and without punishing thoughts, giving myself at least 5 days where the goal is to not work on school AT ALL. It is not an option. Nope, not once. Yes, it will be hard because damn I am not sure I know how not to think I ought to be doing school work. Wish me luck!
I do not get tagged often to participate in the "memes" that prosper like tribbles in blogsphere. The fact that the misappropriation of the term meme rankles me probably forms a firewall as it were from people volunteering me to this sport too often.
Meme was a new word to me quite sometime ago and since reading Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihali (which I will have to reread since I never wrote the damned paper) I find it hard to have the word misrepresented because that's just how I roll. It's not that I am deeply attached to Mihaly's work, though check back with me in early March, my opinion may have changed. I cannot recall how I processed the role and definition of memes but I clearly remember that calling all these fun but often inane quiz like creations was heresy (favorite word thing). In doing a quick search I did come up with discussions here and here that do seem to lend some air of credibility to this blog culture phenomena though it still seems like watching F*x show rather than PBS to suggest that what happens in the blog world really has any relation to the essential place of memes as a cultural gene.
But you know it's good to come down from on high once and awhile, thus I present a list of five things you might not know about me.
1. In fifth grade I played a pilot in some sort of school play skit thing. Given my propensity to melt into a puddle of shy this was quite the feat. I have no recollection of how I managed to even think about it let alone get on the stage at P.S. 29's auditorium. I think I had one line.
2. The second and last time I submitted a poem for consideration for an anthology collection I received a hand written note on the form letter saying "thanks but no" from Leslea Newman saying she liked my work but it didn't quite fit the overall theme.
3. For a brief period of time I lived in a convent. Yes, a radical lesbian buddhist jew in a convent. It was, what you might describe as, decommissioned. The school and the church were still functional - Holy Cross Roman Catholic Church. The chapel inside the convent was the television room littered with a few leftover pews - the rest of the pews were in the basement. It was here that I first saw MTV where a corn-fed red haired young woman proclaimed her undying love for Michael Jackson. This is one of the tamer memories I have of this place.
4. Though I finished my coursework for my undergrad degree in just over four years it took, er, another 5 or so years before I filed for my degree because I was sure I didn't have everything I needed. With the helpful and incredible leg work of my sister who lived in NYC while I was in Massachusetts, courses were renumbered, credits distributed across the forms, papers were signed. On record I have a dual major in comparative religion and women studies, off the record I had a minor in psychology and almost enough credits for another minor in what was then called Black & Puerto Rican Studies. It is apparently now titled "Department of Africana and Puerto Rican/Latino Studies. Now that is a mouthful! As usual my fear and procrastination were all for naught all was fine and I finally officially had a BA in a relatively useless assortment of topics.
5. Years ago a client told me I had a zen approach to food because I shared that every so often I try foods I do not like to see if my taste has changed. The fact that I didn't like squash five years ago does not mean I will not like it now. Because of this approach I no longer claim to hate olives, beets, squash, or sweet potatoes. None of these foods are great loves, though I do make a great spiced squash soup that TGF won't touch, but Jennie found tasty. The other day at my school conference I ate my first over easy egg, maybe ever. Just the idea of a runny yolk, {shivers}. It was okay, I needed protein, there was toast and such to help balance out the texture and taste. I survived but I don't think I will be ordering them any time soon however it makes huevos rancheros an option when getting breakfast out.
So there's five more things about me. If you enjoyed this post, or were utterly bored please blame my dear friend Swamp Girl. Actually this was a good exercise. Hm, I may have to rethink my position on this meme thing.
Oh yeah, I am supposed to tag some folks because that's how this things blooms, grows, takes a life of it own and all that.
1. Bitter Betty, love ya hon! You owe me drinks next time you're in town
2. Breena, I really have to catch up on your blog.
3. Jbeeky, because I am sure, as in totally positive, you have some good ones.
4. Rabbitch because ditto
5. Susie Bright because wouldn't that be a trip if she read my blog and did the meme!?!?! Can't you just see Susie and me being friendly like that? No? Shoot.
Last night I arrived home from an exciting and exhausting time at my residential conference for school. Most of the nights I stayed up far later than is reasonable, made some nice connections with colleagues, caught up with friends.
There were various times when something was said or a thought flitted through my head and I was sure it would be turned into a blog entry. Of course the reality is by the time I got to my room I was way past spent and about half the days I did not even pay for internet access because it would have been a waste of money. Did I jot a note about those wondrous and potentially profound threads that wove their way around my gray cells for to turn into a tantalizing post for you to ponder, to be amused by, or fodder for your dinner conversation? Absolutely not. Not one word was written and now it is gone, gone I tell you. Any insight that passed my veil of thought has moved onto the next open soul. I hope you never find their blog.
Random Tidbits (that which I can actually recall)
- Listening to the vaguely Jimmy Durante-style voice of Albert Ellis talking about Rational Emotive Therapy coaching a woman away from feeling like a "worm" and dispersing her sense of guilt. The voice is annoying and compelling, really.
- Watching a new student so drunk the first night that he bounced off some walls, literally and then disappeared down the rabbit hole. I mean we had no idea where he went to, he was there and then gone. He will forever be Harvey Wallbanger to me. Yes, I did learn his real name two nights later when he was not quite as drunk as the first night.
- Watching my buddy Steve dance with "Freak out Girl". She got that name via a friend of mine who stayed out way too late with her during the last conference, talking her down from too much alcohol and grief. It fits, trust me.
- Hearing another drunken colleague (only in the sense that we both go to the same school) refer to Transpersonal Psychology, as "Transportational". My naming friend dubbed her "Cuckoo" or more commonly "Kook". Again, it works. Really.
- Pondering a Mormon enrolling in this school. Talk about challenging yourself. Dang.
- The folly of bringing way more knitting than I could realistically expect to ever need in five days of academics and partying.
- Subtly telling Theopia that I want her to be my reader for my masters project.
- The best roommate on the planet, my friend Jennifer!
- A short but wonderful visit from TGF
- Finally convincing Debbie and Tracey to join the lobby party
- Scott's glow after going to his yoga dance rave thing
- Discovering that Haley's Structural Family work is probably not going to be a favorite modality of mine.
- Seeing Jheri after a really long absence. She has one of the most open and positive hearts of anyone I have ever met. We shared some of the best hugs ever.
There's more, somewhere in my brain, but I am still a bit fried. It's been really nice to have the last 24 hours at home, hanging with my girl, seeing my animals, sleeping in, taking a real nap. Somewhere in there I actually even wrote a couple of sentences on my paper. Tomorrow it's back to serious work on papers. And of course more regular blogging should follow as well, I will try make them more amusing or interesting than this one.
