She says she's a sap

I say romantic. To-may-to, to-mat-o. All in all I'm okay with it, truly. Romance can be underrated, saccharine, missing, offered in a different language than the one you speak, badly timed, or any number of ways that it fails to touch that spot that truly makes you feel satisfied.

Very early on she told me she loved me. Later she told I should have taken a cue from Loretta, slapped her and said "Snap outta of it!".


I loved that she could laugh at her own overenthusiasm of the emotions running through her. A part of me wished I had been that witty in that moment, the truth was that I was blindsided by her ability to utter her feelings with such abandon. Moonstruck is a favorite of hers, the other day I got a notification from Netflicks that her disc of Love Actually was due to be delivered shortly. Without fail and a fair amount of grace she opens all doors for me, says "Yes, please" and when we are apart I got an email each morning telling of her plans for the day that starts with greetings such as "Good morning beautiful".

Tonight we are in our bed, the Small One between us, watching Up. "I think that is the most beautiful opening montages of a movie ever." A wordless and lovely rendering of a couple's love and dreams. This was said with such reverence, warmth and adoration in her voice, as if this is her wish -to find a person to share her future with where the love just grows, matures, and each person really wants to be there. How utterly charming, compelling.

Sap when harvested, and tended, what it boils down to is a full-bodied, rich liquid which can be used for sweet and savory concoctions, just like love adds that something extra to the every day. Romantic.

Leaving the North East for a spell

Tonight I drove us (BC and me) out of New York, and as of right now we are in a hotel room in Bloomburg PA, me awake from too much caffeine and she tired from two days of team meetings in Manhattan.

The drive was challenging with fog, rain, both light and heavy; while not my favorite conditions to travel it felt easy and comfortable to travel together. It also is the start of an extended time together. We are both looking forward to it but we each have had moments of apprehension about how it will go and what it will feel like when I need to leave again. Initially some of the stay was going to be broken up by a trip to Yuma to see Abby but job obligations have pushed that trip until sometime in January. On one hand this made things a bit scary but also creates an opportunity to test the waters a little more deeply.

As I try to let go of the adrenalin from coffee and soda as well as the stressful driving conditions, I am looking at the symbolism of moving through the different moods of this time together. There will be time of confusing feelings (fog), re-stimulating moments (splash back from the semis passing me, refreshing calm (light drizzle almost no rain at all); in the end we will fall into bed, happy to near each other (reaching the hotel for a rest before another day).

Wordless Wednesday

Food, glorious food.





The above from Grand Army Plaza Farmer's Market, Brooklyn. April 2009



Camp Glen Brook, New Hampshire. September 2009.

Link Frenzy

Today I will post some of cool, interesting, funny sites stored in my bookmark folder.
Yes people it means I'm tired and the writing well is appearing a bit dry.
It happens.

Having a bad day? Needing a dose a humor just because? This can provide a great deal of entertainment. Promise. Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing

One day I will finish this program. Last time I got 70. One hundred push ups

Smart, descriptive, helpful knitting information. I need to spend more time browsing and learning. TECHknitting

This guy is a dear sweet friend and there are awesome audio clips here. Electric Wilburland

Fabulous real information for our younger folks about sex. I wish I had this site back when, wish I was smart enough to have help produce it. Scarleteen

Since the gift giving season is upon us: TreeHugger

Wondering if all those "pink" products really do any good? Think Before You Pink

Considering a new neighborhood? How about learning how much stuff you can walk to rather than depend on your car! Get Your Walk Score

Thinking about expanding your mindfulness to your family life, especially around birthing? Mindful Birthing

Live in the middle of nowhere and cannot find ajwain or galangal for your curry. Penzey's

Don't trust your memory? Wondering if the scuttlebutt is true, or like Twain said "rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. Dead People Server

Hope these either help or amuse you. If nothing else I have provided you a means to squander more invaluable hours in the interwebs!

Amazing how things coincide and circle on themselves

This morning while Sunny walked with me for a bit, as she often accompanies for the first few minutes of my routine, I remarked that she was going further, walking faster than usual and that I was impressed. She has had some mysterious lung thing for months now and it has inhibited her energy supply a great deal. Her response was that she was trying to keep up with me. Especially given what I had written yesterday, this made me smile. I have always maintained that my brisk walking pace, which surprises people as I am so short (that's what they say, don't blame me for the logic), comes from trying to keep up with my mother when I was younger. I have a clear memory of being somewhere between the ages of 6-8 years old pumping my even shorter legs madly to keep up with her.

Later today I read the weekly mailing I get from DK Brainard about the states of the stars. I know I frequently extol the virtues of Rob Brezsny and I still adore him but I like to read another source on occasion. Anyway his weekly discussion seemed very much aligned with my thoughts lately.

The New Moon always represents a call to let go of an old pattern of seeing, thinking about, or acting in the world and open ourselves to a new cycle of experience. With its square to the Jupiter-Chiron-Neptune alignment in Aquarius, this New Moon seems to be asking us to transform our experience of society by looking within ourselves to see where the inner energy has become blocked.

The Scorpio card in the Tarot deck is the Death card. Sometimes it takes the kind of shock that Lully underwent in order for us to see the true nature of our ego drives. Just as often, dying to self so that we can be reborn into the greater Self is a gradual process, one that progresses in fits and starts, with small victories and disappointing setbacks.

The ability to see into our souls and understand what drives us to do those things we don't want to do anymore but still feel compelled to do -- this is the gift of Scorpio. Because once we have awareness of the true nature of our thoughts, emotions and habitual acts, we can never again go back to a state of ignorance. Once awareness is reached, transformation of the root energy is only a matter of time.

I love the idea that each new moon gives an opportunity to think about our patterns and is a good time to start new, healthier ones. Certainly I have been thinking about how my patterns block me from greater growth and success. Understanding what I don't want to do but feel compelled to - so much where I am. It's true that if we really look at ourselves we can never be ignorant again but we can ignore what we know and keep old patterns. This is something I do not want to do, I want more growth, shedding of habits that while familiar and easy but not in my best interest - I want this.

Given the resonance I felt I thought I would check out my horoscope for my sun and rising sun, as Sunny suggested I pay attention to both given my star chart. Again, I was quite struck by how much it mirrored what I have been spending time examing.

Libra - Monday's New Moon in your 2nd House of income, values, and self-esteem suggests that the key to financial bliss is to take Socrates' advice to heart and "Know thyself." The New Moon always asks us to let go of something old and prepare the ground of our being for a new cycle of growth. Sometimes a New Moon in the 2nd House can take away a job, client or other source of income in order to open you to a better income stream. But this year's New Moon seems more internally focused. I'm sure you've heard of this technique before, but I wonder if you've ever really tried it: Each time you find yourself wishing for more money, ask yourself "Why?". And keep asking "Why" until you get to the root emotion of your longing for more. When you focus on this root emotion, you are applying your manifestation energy where your soul power is strongest. So, for example, if you discover you want more money so you can travel abroad, replace your vague wishes for more money with vivid imaginations of you enjoying your foreign travels. If more money would make you feel more secure, stop thinking about money and start magnifying the moments in your life when you do feel secure. This juju really works if you work it. And you might expect a friend or colleague to remind you of this rather forcefully around the middle of the week.

Leo - You could be especially prickly in your den this week, with Monday's New Moon falling in your 4th House of home, family and emotional security. Like the Queen in her castle, you like to have things your way around the house. You radiate a lot of sunshine for your people and when it's time to recharge, you expect those around you to understand your need for space. This week's New Moon energy represents the end of an old cycle and the start of a new one relating to how you deal with home, family and emotional matters. You could be contemplating an actual move, or you might find yourself mulling over your family's emotional legacy and noticing how your parents' quirks and emotional limitations are playing out in your own domestic life. All you really need to do to start freeing yourself from this emotional family karma is to allow yourself to be aware of it. And realize that the more you let go of family guilt and allow yourself to truly feel safe and at home in the world, the more sunshine you'll be able to share with the rest of the kingdom.

I love when the two signs seem to intertwine and enhance the other in terms of what they say to me. Being vague with goals is a problem and something that needs work. Certainly wanting more income, more financial security is huge for me so I like the idea of looking at moments of security rather than grasping blindly for something I have yet to truly define. It is also true that I need serious down time to recharge and being alone enough to do that has been a challenge during this gypsy time of my life. And yes contemplating a move is certainly in the long list of things I am moving through right now. In addition I have been giving thought, especially in the last few days, to the emotional legacy our parents bestow upon us - the positive and negative ones.

Feeling safe and at home in the world is something I have pondering as I heal from various scars, hurts, betrayals - all life's gifts hard as they be, it is a big one. More than I ever realized. I have often believed that I felt at home in the world; this is true but the last eights months have given a deeper stretch into that as usually I am very attached to my "home" wherever it is that I am living; only now I am finding how well I am in being comfortable in the home that is inside me, that is always with me no matter where I receive my mail. This is the home that needs to be made cozy, hospitable, decorated, cared for, the hearth to be tended. Because no matter where you, there you are.

Who's the mother? Which mother? Me?

You know how sometimes you realize your pose is your mother's? How when something comes out of your mouth, you see her in your head saying it exactly the same way? Certainly I have had far too many of those instances, especially lately when I am noticing some of the habits that drive me nuts about Sunny, exist in me. There are a lot funny t-shirts and stories about how we become our mothers, but what about when they turn in to you or their mother.

Last month we went to see Menopause: The Musical; we got to the theatre early and shopped around. There we were in a shop, I was further back still browsing when I realized she had left without telling me. Was she waiting outside? No, she had teetered off down the street without a word, just a like toddler would do, no awareness of others. Like a mother who's child often does this my response ranged from annoyance to resigned acceptance with a bit of hoping I found her quickly mixed in. I realized I might have done to her (though truthfully my recollection is that I was a very timid child) when I was young. It also made me think of other grown children who have a parent with dementia and how the roles are permanently reversed.

Yesterday I drove us the Paper Mill Playhouse, a fairly prestigious regional theatre to see my cousin play one of the leads in On The Town. Since Sunny had let him know we were coming he told us to meet him at the stage door after show (last time we did that was when he was in A Chorus Line on Broadway when it was in previews). Sunny took a seat with all her layers on or draped about her, messager bag like a large brown cat in her lap, looking small buried by all her stuff. When Jeff came out she didn't rise from her seat, reaching up to hug him as he bent down to wrap his arms around her. I was struck at how this resembled a scene from about a decade ago when Sunny, her mother, and I went to Broadway to see Jeff in Beauty and The Beast. The images of my grandmother and Sunny merged as her behavior, even her posture and bags became Helen's. It was mesmerizing and surreal, perhaps a mirror of my future. Will I fail to rise to greet someone in twenty years, too tired, to weighted down with clothing, bags, angst?

Then this morning as I was decluttering her office space, I was stunned and annoyed by her random stacks of papers on the floor. As I picked up and sorted yet another pile:

Dharma: Why do you do this?
Sunny: I don't know.
Dharma: Seriously there has to be a better solution.
Sunny: If only I know what it was.
Dharma: Well we have to come up with something because this just won't do.
Sunny: I know.
Dharma: Why do I feel like I am talking to a teenager?

Seriously that's what it was like. I was that teenager, that teenager has lived in my home while I was her guardian, with luck I will have another teenager in my home in the future. However this is my mother. Once again the roles have flipped. How many times in the decade or three will we play all these different characters, one day will she be stuck in one? Can I remain flexible and loving if she loses touch with her other role, that of my mother?

What this has brought home to me is I do not want to not have the energy to get up, I want to stay sharp, I don't want to lose me. My recent strivings in meditation, walking, eating better, reading more, writing more, looking at starting up grad school again are all pathways towards those goals. The reality that half my life is behind me is clear. Equally clear is that I still have about half a life ahead and it's mine to create. While I create that I will continue to drive my mother places, have intricate conversations that mingle theatre, politics, and meditation, and practice graciousness in her charm, her frailty, and her clutter.

Let's do the numbers

This is my 555th posting.

Last month marked my 4th year of this blog
and
Sunny's breast cancer diagnosis
both are surviving just fine. (2005)

Friday will be 8 months since I left Dayton.
Seems surreal sometimes.

Tomorrow I will walk again
which will put me over 10 miles for the week.

35 years ago this month my siblings were born.
Yes, twins.

If I counted correctly I have had 24 addresses, some of them twice.

This summer was my 10th summer as the registrar for Dance New England.

I am participating in my 4th NaBloPoMo.
The first three years I made it through successfully.

(Which of my lovely nerdy friends know where the title of the post is from?)

Sleep continues to be a troubling thing, which is nothing new but still annoying as last week I had two or three nights of (for me) totally blissful rest. For several weeks now I remember more dreams, some are easy to figure out, others clearly are the twisted version of a brain dump.

Tonight I hope to attempt sleep at a reasonable hour but for now I hear the rain hitting the side of house, slapping against hardy foliage that is still on bushes. Early this morning the light was a soft gray outside the window but I declined to rise at that hour. Mid morning, while the light was bright I did a new path for my 3 mile walk, noting the piles of leaves on the curb, left I suppose for a sweeper machine to gather them. Today, as most days, the wind lifted off the top layers of the piles like someone ruffling a child's hair, or turned a random grouping of dessicated flora into a circle dance traveling down the street until the spiral unwound itself and they scattered once more as if they had never engaged in joyous movement.

On the path in Silver Lake Park the river occasionally rushed in places, adding to the ambient noises that were my soundtrack. The leaves crunched and crumbled under my feet. Unlike a lot of people these days, I walk with no little corded buds stuck in my ears. At least not yet. It give me a chance to purposely avoid all media, and often all conversation, to just be, to let my mind wander. It struck me that it is like a form of meditation, one that works for me. Today's realization: I tend to not perseverate on my faults, my worries, my fears. It would seem that my walks have more than one health benefit, what a happy find. Once in a while there was a tiny flash of rain, not even a sprinkle, more like a mist yet the sky was bright.

As I tackled the last incline once I was back on the road I gave myself credit for sticking with my walking goals. I also thought about how much I like taking care of myself. Later the sky went a deeper gray, the sun in hiding and I thought how long a day really is, how many moods the sky has in daylight. Just like me.

Now I feel mostly relaxed, hopeful about sleep, and looking forward to next steps of all kinds.

Yarnish Update

It has been a long time since I mentioned my knitting, for good reason, there has not been a lot of activity. Until lately.

Last holiday season I had started to make a pair of Fuzzy Feet, I finished them quite some time after the celebrating but they still need to be felted. They were going to be for her geekyness and I had intended to finish them and send them on, but now, with all that has gone on, that plan no longer feels right. So they sit, unfelted, waiting a destination.

Back in January I bought some yarn when Dawn and I went on a yarn crawl in Columbus OH where we met up with Erin. Wonderknit had opened recently and I was on a hunt for yarn to make the Hemlock Blanket. The yarn I bought (don't have details as it's at BC's house, just a photo) is a lighter weight than the pattern generally calls for but I think it will be lovely. It has yet to be started.

In February I started and whipped out a beret for myself with yarn that was a gift from a dear friend, the next month I finally finished the socks I had started for myself over a year before. The timing was interesting as both were finished, the first knitted items for me, right after deciding to leave my relationship. I adore the socks and wear them a lot, every time they make me happy. Often I pop the beret on my head and it usually makes me smile.

Recently I finally finished the third ever project for me! It took forever because I kept doing other projects, or not knitting but I love love love it. There is not a great photo of this one yet. I didn't bother blocking it because it's a rayon blend from the best I can determine and has lovely, lovely drape.

I am happy to report that I did finish Greg's Norway Nights balaclava before leaving Brooklyn yesterday afternoon. The yarn was fabulous to work with and I have enough leftover to make a small project with it in the future.



Back in March, once ensconced at my housing with Matt, I started another pair of socks for myself. The yarn was bought quite sometime ago with the exact pattern in mind as soon as I saw on the shelf. This pattern had caught my eye quite a long time ago, before there was a Ravelry (which is the equivalent to the middle ages in knitting-computer timeline). Unfortunately I think that I should have used size 0 needles rather than size 1, but it will be fine. The yarn on the other hand is not thrilling to work with, the ply is loose and a bit splitty.


Today I finally spent some time adding a few of the many new yarns I have acquired in my recently excursions, and adding project photos, which feels good. Still have a number of photos to take and planning to do for all this yarn. Feels like I am finally moving forward on one my passions, something that makes me happy.

I recently started the first knitted gift for BC and I hope to finish it in the next few days. The name, Boston Red Hat, is because it reminds me the red color of the Boston Red Sox, her all time favorite baseball team, much to chagrin of a mutual friend who roots hard for the Yankees. I have no attachment to either team so I float between their razzing.

I hope to have more to write about my craft soon as I have lots of yarn, lots of ideas, and a couple of secret projects started or in the planning stages.

Random Images

From October, one my earliest shots with the new camera.




Patterson Fruit Farms, BC and The Small One, October 25th, 2009.

What I didn't do today

Did not walk today.
Did not blow a conference call meeting (did that yesterday).
Did not stretch.
Did not cook dinner (Greg did, yum!).
Did not stay home with a sick child (but BC did, poor small one has strep).
Did not work today.
Did not skip out on knitting (Norway Nights balaclava is still under construction).
Did not gorge on ice cream (had one small scoop of expresso gelato and blood orange sorbet).
Did not over eat or eat junk.
Did not have a bad day.

Back to Brooklyn

Just in time to miss the massive destruction of the upstairs bathroom in Croton, I headed to Brooklyn to visit with Greg before he leaves for Norway where he will be doing three 11-day cruises as the resident artist and photographer.

I told him I would make him a balaclava before his next trip to Antarctica (he had an artist in residence for a trip there in December/January 2007). In typical fashion I put off getting the yarn for a balaclava which even though he had picked out what he liked during an earlier visit to Brooklyn when I dragged him into Knit-A-Way, in part to check it out, and also to have him help me figure out what yarn he would like. While with BC I tried to get the yarn at the local yarn shop there but they didn't carry that particular yarn. Finally on Friday during my blue mood, I made myself leave the house to go to Flying Fingers because I knew they carried Berroco Cuzco and time was slipping away.

Today is Monday and I still have a ways to go but the yarn knits up like a dream, I can easily see it's appeal. Greg has seen it and is excited, likes the feel of it. Since he picked the pattern and the yarn it should be a nice for him. I may change the pattern slightly by making the hood part in stockinette rather than garter stitch. On Ravelry I have titled this project Norway Nights, since the yarn is black (one of his color choices, though I was hoping to find it in charcoal grey). On the Metro North train I knit until the first skein was just about gone, wound a skein and kept knitting until I got off the subway in Brooklyn.

After arriving Greg and I went for a long walk which included a stop to Sahadi's. If you are ever visiting this area of Brooklyn, you must go there. Seriously. In the end we walked about 3.5 miles, which also puts my on target for my weekly goal - I love having friends who support one's good habits as well as the bad ones! Dinner included chickpea salad, vegetable samosas and baklava, which were purchased during our walk. Along side of that was basmati rice as well as mustard greens with tempeh and some red wine. Just lovely, only now I'd like to sleep but the yarn beckons with a loud ticking clock.

If the shoe fits

I love shoes, as most people in my life know, hell I've written about shoe purchases on this very blog. Since March I have increased my shoe collection several times over - a cheap pair of goth inspired Mary Janes, Keen Mary Janes, Chaco sandals (which are one of the best shoes EVER!), a pair that's for very special occasions, an amazing find of a pair of Think mules for $5!, a pair of Borns (omg these are amazingly well made!), and Harley Boots. I inherited lavender ankle UGG boots from Sunny as well.

Yes, my inner shoe ho has been let loose! These have been gifts or found on fabulous sales. Are these good for my feet? Some are, some are most assuredly are not. But I love them all. The Chaco's, which BC encouraged me to try, are some of the most comfortable things I've ever put on my feet. I wore them every.single.day of camp in August and my feet only started to ache the very last day. This is miraculous people.

With a goal of a major hike in April, and an overall change in activity I also needed sneakers and hiking boots. Ah, those cannot be shopped for lightly because they need to seriously fit. BC is an athlete, is currently training for the Disney marathon, so she took me to her favorite shop to get some sneakers to support my walking goals (I walked 8 miles this week). Usually I go and find the sneakers that appeal to me aesthetically, that seems like the toe box is wide enough for me and if they fit and are cheap enough I buy them. Of course it's been forever since I even did that. At Fleet Feet they measure your feet, have you walk barefoot and bring you the best options based on those things. The sneaker guy brought me three pairs, the first were fabulous and ultimately won out. In addition Superfeet inserts were purchased for the little extra to keep my feet stable. These sneakers are fabulous! It is amazing to have something really, deeply fit.

Sunny has been offering to gift with hiking boots for months now, and well now there is more motivation than ever. Today we took a long drive to Middletown to go to this place which has a similar model of service. As it turns out my feet don't seem to have a great deal wrong with them (yeah!) according Frank who was filled with an enormous amount of knowledge and the background of a serious runner (two coast to coast runs). I also learned that Superfeet designed the berry insert (the one I have) based on his input. I walked out with the only pair he gave to try, again I have never gotten hiking boots this way, laced the way he showed me (the sherpa lacing).

His motto is a shoe should fit from the get go, he doesn't believe in "breaking in" of shoes. I am not sure I totally agree but that may be because I like a lot of different shoes and dammit they are not all going to be "comfortable shoes", even if I am a lesbian. It also makes me think about relationships. There are some that are so appealing, look so good, feel so good in a surface way but you know they are going to pinch, or not support enough when the day goes long and you are tired. You keep them around (both the person and the shoes) usually for far too long and even after things are over your mind wanders back to the what ifs, the allure, and the tape plays in your head about what you could have done different, if only you had never tried to make it work, and damn weren't they cute. Shoes that are going to go the distance are the ones that fit pretty well from the start, perhaps one's romantic relationships should be entered into the way one would buy the boot that will support the journey regardless of where it takes you.

It takes work. No really.

This article doesn't really tell me, or probably most of us anything new but there were a few good tidbits. I am well aware that relationships, all of them including our friends and family, take work. There is no coasting through, there is little or no mind reading. It's also true that we tend to partner with people who remind us of our parents. I know I have. My last three major relationships definitely mirrored my three parents in good and not so good ways. It is my hope that now that I have gone through those archetypes in some major ways, that perhaps I am largely done processing my past in that fashion.

There was an interesting point made about what we do as we flail against our disappointment. The author suggests that we hurt ourselves as well as our partner as we go down a path of ineffective strategies:

• Being right
• Controlling their partner.
• Unbridled self-expression
• Retaliation
• Withdrawing

Wow. I don't think I have done much to control a partner, but perhaps I am deluding myself, nor am I into retaliation. However, sigh, being right? Withdrawing? Check and check. Not being heard, or my perception of that I have not been heard, is a hot button for me. Like the size of Texas. I hold onto my being right like a shield in battle; it is my amulet against being misunderstood.

The most of rules that Real lays out are simple but not always easy in the heat of the moment. I love the first suggestion which is to go after what you want, but check in with yourself first to ask yourself what you really want in that moment. Simple and absolutely brilliant. Of course I love the suggestion to make positive statements rather than complaints. It's all about reframing. A friend used to refer to me as the Queen of Reframe. Listening and responding generously I can do. Sometimes. There are times when I am less than generous in truth. It is something I keep striving to improve on. To me it sounds a bit trite, simplistic even to suggest that one is anger because they are trying to control something and it's not cooperating. I do understand that could be what's going on, but having been angry for reasons beyond trying to control something or, let's get real, someone. Yes letting go of trying to control some things is important for one's happiness and sanity but it is not the only place anger stems from (of course if I were willing to take his course for $3400 {per couple} I might get a better answer than the one in a quick article found on the web). The last "rule" is to keep one's eye on the prize, the prize being the relationship that is worth working on and for, rather than being quick to think leaving is an option.

There are no fast and easy answers, and this article certainly has limitations but it has a few useful suggestions but I can't say I would buy his book or cd; as far as taking one of his programs, um, no thanks. Clearly this is a topic I have been giving a lot of thought in the last 12-15 months but the work is always ongoing. So far BC and I have been doing pretty well at following the suggestions in the article. My hope is that we can keep doing the things that work, figure out new ideas for the things that don't, and be willing to seek help rather than be miserable or walk.

A Day in the Valley

No I didn't go anywhere, this is the metaphorical valley, where one resides when they fall from a lovely high. Last night I stayed up too late, tired but not wanting to give in to sleep, alone in a bed for the first time in two weeks. As the light rose I woke frequently but was now on the other side of things, not wanting to get up and face the day. Drifting in the in between state I thought how I didn't feel like hauling down to the city for Janet's performance (as much as I love her and wanted to go), nor was I feeling inspired to head up to New Paltz tomorrow for any part of the DNE weekend. I was in a wallowing mood. Feeling sad for myself at all the things I need to do that I have been setting aside.

I thought about why I wasn't enjoying this quietude more and I realized that staying at Sunny's is a stop gap, that I had left home behind with BC. Everywhere else has become the place I visit. But it just feels too soon, way too soon to move in so I am left with figuring out my next steps about where to be in between visits home.

As much as I have loved the last seven plus months of bouncing about, it is getting a little old, harder to focus within all this. There are time I so want a dresser and a closet that it is almost an ache. In the meantime I will hang things up here at Sunny's, finally, instead of having them in five different places. It's a step towards normalcy.

So tonight I am in my little packed room of stuff, mostly Sunny's but my mess overruns the space as well, missing my sweetheart, taking a break from knitting, making a list of the things I will accomplish in the next two weeks before I go home again, home again jiggity jig.

Union through yoga

The first article in the Beginner's Guide I picked up the other day talks about yoga being "nothing more or less than a practice of being one's true eternal, capital-S Self". It also describes, clearly and succinctly the eight limbs of yoga, which I find resembles Buddhism at great deal which means it should be a good match for me if I can figure out how to find a style and method of practice that works for me.

Most people are familiar with the asanas (postures) and even the pranyama (breathwork) but I suspect many would think the dharana (concentration) and dhyana (meditation) are much the same, perhaps confuse them as to some degree is almost seems like splitting hairs. Judith Hanson Lasater does a good job at showing how one flows into the other, which then leads to samadhi (union). It also explains why samadhi is going to take me a while to reach. The ability to sit still and keep one's mind on a single thing is dharana; when that becomes continuous and uninterrupted one has moved to dhyana. Lasater states that meditation is not about "going somewhere else" with the mind but rather being here and now, fully. "Only in this state of raw presence can we experience samadhi, the Self realization that is the ultimate goal in yoga." Good thing to remember when after months of effort my diaphragm continues to spasm at the mere suggestion of a shoulder stand.

In looking at niyamas (observances) there were two of the five that stood out in meaning for me. The second niyama is santosha (contentment). The author suggests that it might seem odd to practice contentment but it makes sense to me; contentment doesn't just arise when conditions are right, contentment is about the willingness to be at peace with whatever is, even if one is not actually content in the moment. This feels like something I have been practicing for a long time, but especially in recent months where little about my next step is known to me, where I am working on being happier inside myself it has taken some leaps of faith to be at ease. The last one is svadhyaya (self study) which involves looking at "our attachment to and belief in our own thoughts so that we can understand how they keep us from the deepest connection with our true Self". Certainly I have been looking at my attachments to negative thoughts which in turn affect (or is that effect, I can never keep those two straight!) all my thoughts and behaviors. The niyama that I need to devote more attention and effort to is tapas (discipline). No surprise to anyone who knows me at all. The remaining two are saucha (purity) and Ishvara pranidhana (devotion). All of them deserve my time and focus.

Balance is so important. This summer at NCDC, there was a wall hanging of Buddhist imagery that I was not familiar with, but there was a note stating it was Yab-Yum. Never running across this one I of course went online to search and found this on Wikipedia. The notions of balancing duality spoke to me, seemed to repeat my thoughts of paying attention of all my desires, all my strengths and limitations, and honoring different sides of my sexuality, my role in partnership with someone.

The symbolism of union and sexual polarity is a central teaching Tantric Buddhism, especially in Tibet. The union is realised by the practitioner as a mystical experience within one's own body.

I purchased the wall hanging, though I have not hung it anywhere, as a reminder of my goals, my work. Soon, it will hang somewhere, somewhere I can view it, meditate on it's meaning, on the images letting myself enter dharana, perhaps moving into dhyana and maybe one day I will glimpse samadhi.

As November Coasts In

Pattersons Fruit Farm, Chesterville, OH. October 25th, 2009

The horoscope hits home

As I believe I have mentioned before, I adore Rob Brezsny's horoscopes. Per Sunny's suggestion eons ago I always read my sun sign and my rising sign's forecast, especially his. Many times in recent months it has seemed like he was writing just for me. While my sun sign hit home and was meaningful, this week's meditation for my rising resonated deep and hard.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It might be tempting to turn your home into a
womb-like sanctuary and explore the mysteries of doing absolutely
nothing while clad in your pajamas. And frankly, this might be a good idea.
After the risks you've taken to reach out to the other side, after the
bridges you've built in the midst of the storms, after the skirmishes
you've fought in the Gossip Wars, you have every right to retreat and get
your homebody persona humming at a higher vibration. So I say: Be
meticulously leisurely as you celebrate the deep pleasures of self-care.

The last several months, since deciding to and actually leaving Dayton have been a hard and exhilarating journey, there have been moments of deep grief, of knowing people were sitting in judgment, sure that people were writing their own version of what they perceived to be the truth no matter how far from my reality their story was, and I practiced deeply at letting go other people's stories about me. Every so often it comes up again, as it did a few weeks ago but this time I had a harder being a good Buddhist about it, wanting to contact the person to call them on their behavior, to chastise them for stirring the pot, for speaking out of turn. In the end I did none of those things but I did sit in my stew, rant about the ability of people to make trouble, and eventually I let it go.

As the sun fades less of the day is lit, the temperatures start to gently drop, the urge to hibernate, to hole up has begun to blossom in me. Yet I am still largely roaming and have no place that is home, not full time. The struggle to find a rhythm with no outside structure becomes bigger as time creeps on and the urge to contemplate my own navel becomes a stronger pull. My self care needs to include a schedule, a set of goals, perhaps even daily (other than getting out of bed) seems a way to lick my wounds and do more inner work; it really should be no surprise to me but yet it catches me off guard that I still feel hurt and angry about my last relationship. Though my wild ideas of foreign travel seem further away, it does not mean I need to forgo gathering my forces to challenge myself in other ways, so training for a potential hiking adventure will be part of the nurturing I give myself. As to contemplating the mysteries of doing nothing, I think I excel at that too well with no further enlightenment, so in order to work the idea of nothingness in a new fashion I purchased Yoga Journal's special issue, Yoga for Beginners in a fit of inspiration, or desperation, hard to know which in this case.

Regardless of where I lay my head, I can work on cultivating my inner cozy home. The addition of the fabulous Life is Good socks and pullover BC got will definitely help and are portable to boot.

NaBloPoMo - Year Four

Yes, I am going to try for it again this year. If I remember correctly I did this for the first time in 2006, and again in '07 & '08, so this will be year four. The first year I also Lacevember which apparently is no more. That November I blogged every day, finished my first lace knitting project and kicked butt in my school work.



In 2007 I tried to also do NaKniSweMo but failed at the knitting piece (I finished said sweater February 2009). Given that last November I was working the hell job, my relationship was breaking apart, it's amazing that I blogged every day.

This year will be interesting for new reasons in that I am still roaming a bit, but a tad less than my usual this coming month, and the next actually. Well I suppose that depends on how one counts things. Right now I am with BC, flying back to NY area on Thursday. Not sure of my schedule between then and the next time I drive back out here. Some time in Croton, some in Brooklyn, and I would love to go to Western Massachusetts to see friends, before being back with BC for Thanksgiving. In the beginning of December my current plan is to visit Abby and Michael in Yuma AZ, with a trip to Joshua Tree National Forest for a weekend. So there will be some bouncing during this time of meeting this writing goal. Should be doable, don't ya think? Lie to me if you need to people. Seriously.

My "Family" Weekend

Last Thursday I flew to see BC since my hardy but aging Indy (aka my vehicle) needed a new transmission. We had a lovely reunion just the two of us before her daughter came home on Friday after school. In fact I had a very quiet day because BC worked at the office for a change so I was able to get grounded here before a packed weekend. Many Fridays are movie night for them and this time we got Chinese take out and watched Bolt, which I had never seen. For your reference it's okay, nothing great but cute for kids. After the movie we all went upstairs and read in our bed, wearing our jammies with the small one in the middle - it was very sweet.

Saturday morning her daughter and I were on our own since BC was out doing her long run (she is training for a marathon) and I made pancakes for breakfast, keeping some warm for BC as I knew she'd be hungry when she returned. Later a friend came by and we took the girls to the Cleveland Zoo despite the less than stellar weather because that day was the last for the special dinosaur exhibition and the small one is All.About.Dinosaurs. For dinner we made individual pizzas and the girls played until it was time for bed.

In the morning the small one begged off horseback riding lessons, something she rarely does because horses and dinosaurs run about neck and neck in importance in her universe, so she could hang with her friend some more. While BC ran out for eggs (we had planned on a quick cereal breakfast before heading out to the stables), I started the bacon. After breakfast the girls tormented us sweetly pretending to be moving rocks, ghosts, and other undefined beings, which we then tickled until they ran from the room only to return sans blankets to ask what all the noise was about. After her friend went home we went to Patterson's Fruit Farm to indulge in apple fritters and to bring home apples and a pumpkin. It was a perfect fall day, foliage alight everywhere, families bustling around the farm, smells from the bakery drifting in tempting waves.

That evening after dinner we all took a soak in the hot tub, talking, giggling and generally having way too much fun. At one point we were all cuddled up together, under a dark sky with a few stars twinkling, steam forming where the hot water met the cool air and it all felt simple. After the small one went to bed I felt so tired and reflected on how lovely and surreal the weekend felt - in many ways this is one version of life that I had envisioned for myself, and had given up on yet here it was being dangled in front of me as if to ask me one more time, "are you sure?". The answer is no, I'm not sure, I was never really positive I didn't want to be a parent, it was more that I felt I couldn't be, that I don't really have what it takes. It doesn't mean I don't still want it, it doesn't mean I have finished mourning roads not taken, it doesn't mean that sometimes that physical ache of what never grew inside me is gone forever. I certainly never planned or thought about getting involved with a parent; that I am now does not make me a parent but it closer than I've been in a very long time and now the ache has changed - in some ways it is stronger, in some ways that void is being filled just the smallest bit but with no promise of what the future holds for this fragile seedling of something that could be family, my family.

Trying to Catch Up

The days following where I left off were rather plain and ordinary. Shocking I know but not every day involves travel, love, and Broadway. That Thursday I went to a clinic to get a breast exam in order to be "in the system" for a free mammogram. So exciting I can hardly tell you. Good thing I brought my knitting since there was a whole lot of waiting around. Speaking of which I still have not heard back from them regarding said mammogram, another thing to add to my to do list, call the clinic.

Friday I picked up Janet from the Metro North station so we could head to New Paltz for some festivities. On the way up we stopped at DIA:Beacon, a museum Ms. Morgan wanted to check out. It was the least juicy art either of us had seen, perhaps ever. We resumed our travels to arrive at Matt's new abode in the center of New Paltz where we had a bit of an impromptu party with the addition of some of his pals. Greg could not resist his new addiction and I looked up several Eddie Izzard videos on YouTube to fed his habit.

The next day, later than Greg wanted due to his enthusiasm, we headed outside of town to Joe and Steph's lovely home where our SCA household (House Ostrov) was holding the annual Feast in the Woods. As the afternoon slid into early evening people changed into garb, the fire was maintained in a roaring fashion, mead and food were consumed, and conversation flowed until close to midnight. Janet, aka Otgon the Bemused, took and posted photos.

Sunday morning Greg, Janet, Kelly and I went for about a 4.5 mile hike - my first one in easily 15 years! There was some scrambling up rocks and such to reach Bonticou Crag Summit.
Proof I was up there compliments of Janet.

There were lots of lovely views and I got an excellent chance to use my new camera (courtesy of BC).

<- A view from the top.

Looking back at the path on the way back to the house.

Hungry from our excursion we snacked quickly on leftovers from the feast and loaded up the car to return to the city. Unfortunately a trip that should have taken two hours was turned into a four hour exercise in patience due to traffic.

Tuesday night I cooked dinner using ingredients from Joe's garden: large chili peppers (which I stuffed), kale sauteed with garlic. Plus I introduced Janet and Greg to the magic of spaghetti squash tossed with butter, salt, pepper, and Parmesan cheese. Later we watched Tank Girl which I had, amazingly, never seen. Seeing it I finally figure out where Greg got his constant refrain: Is that wrong?

I stayed with them until Thursday morning when I drove back to Croton, planning on a big weekend; however I woke feeling a bit crummy and mostly staying in bed on Saturday. Sunday morning I woke determined to continue my plans, heading up to Rhinebeck for the infamous Sheep and Wool Festival, the mecca for us yarn heads. It was so so wonderful even though the weather was not fabulous, the yarns were. Great fun was had, cute animals (including ringed tail lemurs!) were seen, and lots of yarn was procured. From there I headed to New Paltz for Matt's housewarming party where I met up with Greg. We stayed long enough to go through a few variations of "variations" of the party; great fun seeing the ebb and flow of a social gathering. Joe also came; later the three of us headed back to his house to crash for the night. In the morning Greg and I drove over to Mohonk Mountain House and did an easy hike of about 3 miles with gorgeous views. Unfortunately I did not have my camera so I have no lovely vistas to share with you. Greg and I returned to the house to pack up and I drove him down to the Metro North station near my folks' place.

My plan had been to drive to BC's house but the car (Indy, short for Indigo, formerly referred to as the Purple Beast. Now that she is mine outright I renamed her since the ex had christened her PB.) had been acting up a bit so I decided it was wise to take her in before a long drive. Ha! We will just say that I would up flying and will owe the folks a great deal of money for fronting the price of a new transmission.

So that gets us to last Thursday. I will attempt to write again soon but life is lovely here with BC so I get lulled away from things like the computer a bit.

In which our heroine once again recaps

When last we left our heroine...

Ah yes, in New Hampshire at the 'sense of place' event at Camp Glenbrook, which was lovely and a bit inspiring. That was the last time I blogged, after an embarrassing long absence from the activity. It was the first time since, if I recall correctly, that I had real time alone since May. Later that day I took a workshop with Erica Wheeler on writing and actually did the writing prompts. This is a bit miraculous as I rebel against instructions often, it's a long history but this time I thought what the hell - soak up the atmosphere. The first prompt was "what is true for me today":

I am whole, at peace with being quiet. What is true is being honest with myself and others. Honest different from truth. What I need to know about me may be different from the story of me I tell someone today, tomorrow, forever. Or not. I feel I am on a path to liking myself more, more completely than ever. It is a scary road because I have traits and behaviors that I do not love or even like but they are separate from the whole, only a muted color that I can make stand out or step back in view, this is important. I can choose what I present, I can choose to make it bigger or smaller. I can choose to accept it and move on.

After the workshop I showered, nap, sat in the glorious silence. After all of that I walked to another porch, sat on a chair and wrote in my journal. A huge day of writing for me. There a lot of interesting talks, beautiful views, and great food during this weekend. It was hard to feel inferior, or like a poser among all these folks who were steeped in their passions but I worked on my internal tapes, remembering that all of us make the colors we see in the world. On Sunday I drove all of us back to Brooklyn, unloaded a vehicle full of art, sleeping bags, and clothing. The next day I drove up to Sunny's and hung loose for the next several days.

Months of failed attempts were finally rectified by driving to Dobbs Ferry to meet an online friend in person. Since my move I have had two books to give to Jeri Riggs, a gifted quilter, someone I know from my glbt knit list. Her site (linked above) only gives you the barest sense of her quilts - in person they are beyond amazing. I am in love. In addition to quilting the woman is a mad talented knitter, if she wasn't so lovely it might be easy to hate someone who just drips with talents.

Later that day I took a long and lovely drive to check out a house share near the Ashokan Reservoir. It was not a match, we shall leave it at that, which is a bit of a bummer because having a place to set a bunch of my belongings, to return to, a room with a door, the ability to be alone once in a while, would be so nice. Sunday the 27th I traveled down to NYC again to housesit for Greg and Janet while they taught painting at Fire Island. On Wednesday I ran back up to Croton to prepare for a busy weekend.

Thursday BC (my sweetheart) flew into town. She was so excited she gave my birthday gifts in the car even though my birthday was the next day. Let me say this, BC is thoughtful, pays careful attention, and is generous. We then met the 'rents for lunch. It was a first meeting and I think it went well. She found Sunny (my mother) adorable, which luckily is a common assessment. After lunch we headed to Cape Cod to spend a lovely evening in West Harwich, staying at the Commodore, partaking of a nice dinner at The Ocean House. Friday we leisurely drove up to Wellfleet to meet up with Abby, my oldest friend. Ken, Abby's father, past away in August and a bunch of us came up to share a house for the weekend and to attend the memorial service. The weekend was fun, sad, nostalgic and romantic by turns. I cried a fair amount at the service, no surprise there. It was good to see Abby and catch up just a small bit - it's been four years since we saw each other, we hadn't had a conversation since January.

Sunday afternoon BC and I drove to Boston. We had a tourist type of blast during our short stay - wandered Fauneuil Hall and after my experience at Abercrombie & Finch I'd say I'm unlikely to shop there again, but I adore the shirt I got there. We had a delicious and romantic dinner at Ristorante Limoncello, and I introduced her to Emack and Bolio's ice cream, a place I've known about for about twenty something years but haven't been to in forever! If you are near one, run don't walk.

Monday morning, early I took BC to Logan; I then headed back to Croton to have a bite to eat and nap before Sunny and I headed into Manhattan to see Hair on Broadway. Yes, yes, I know I suck. It was fabulous. They were having a Monday night performance, a night Broadway is traditionally dark so the cast could attend the Equity March on Washington - how cool is that? I saw the original as a child and you know what, it's still great. It has been forever since I listened to the music but somewhere during act one I realized than really none of the lyrics had faded from my memory and I thought, "This is my version of Christmas carols, they are ingrained in my soul". Seeing some members of the cast crying during the moving closing numbers tugged at my heart even more. We came home tired but happy.

Okay that almost catches things up so I think I will stop right now before I bore you all to tears with my nonstop bouncing around the northeast. The next post will have photos I think, how exciting is that! Soon there may be an entry about yarn - Greg, stop yawning!

humbly reported by your modern nomad, Dharma

Honest I don't know where the time went

Life continues to be a whirlwind. Mostly in good ways, some are hard though I admit. Since I last posted I have been in Cleveland OH, Croton NY, Northampton MA, Freedom NH, Northampton MA, Croton NY, Cleveland OH, Brooklyn NY, and at this very moment in Marlborough NH.

Right at this moment I am enjoying a beautiful quiet in a tiny room, in a house that is like a rabbit warren of spaces and doors. It is so lovely I cannot begin to tell you. The likelihood that anyone will come looking for me for at least another hour is about nil. The silence is lovely. Just the clacking of my keys, the sounds of sipping my too sweet, rapidly chilling coffee. Why am I in New Hampshire again you ask. My dear friends Greg and Janet are featured artists at this event and I am serving as their driver and manager. We drove up on Thursday to hang their art and get settled before their talk on Death Valley at Antioch College over in Keene. Both events were, at least in part, the brainchild of their good friend Rowland Russell, with whom I have had the honor of breaking bread with a number of times over the years. Thursday night we retired to our rooms in Hill House (last night renamed Horse Hill House by Ash, the fabulous cook/sommelier/gardener of Glenbrook because of the carousel like horse sculpture jauntily place on the roof line this summer as a prank) and in the night solitude I decided to knit with the only noise being the clink of my metal needles every once and again.

Okay, I know, some of you are scratching your heads about my travels which have been ongoing since March. There may even be some head tilting by my mention of Cleveland. I have a tiny, teeny little secret that I have been holding back from you my dear, devoted and beloved readers. I have a sweetheart, BC (Butch Charming, as my dear friend Dru dubbed her early on, and charming, romantic, sexy and thoughtful she is!). The gods have quite the sense of humor and saw fit to find me someone wonderful in the land of Ohio. So you will continue to see references to Cleveland as time moves forward I suspect. It's okay, you can laugh, snort even. So far things are wonderful and I have been working on keeping my balance in the ways I have decided are important in order not to lose myself. My suspicion is being long distance helps and I am happy to keep it that way as we figure out the path we want to be traveling on together.

Freedom NH is the new home base for Dance New England and it was quite a busy camp with a new site, more people than ever, new programs, a new bookkeeper added to the usual crazy stew that is camp. It was perhaps the most challenging camp work wise since my first, not the way I had hoped my tenth year in the job would feel, but life is what it is, yes? The new site has it's own beauty so that I did not miss Poland Spring too much, though I longed for my old office's coziness and privacy, the wooded areas that I had pitched my tent in other years.

In Northampton I visited some dear old friends and stayed with my good friend Michele. It was so good to get closer to our old rhythm as friends after the last few bumpy years and recreate the friendship with the knowledge that we can go through a rough patch and be okay in the end.

I am enjoying the quiet in this tiny room with one window and two doors that each lead to bigger rooms, hunkered in the middle of the space of this building. In recent days anxiety has been creeping in a bit, for the first time in a long time. On one hand I try to remember that this is no longer my every day or even every week reality and attempt to greet it with grace, to look for what the discomfort is telling me. The other hand panics a bit because it is hard to notice anything except the sense of impending doom which is the color and scent of my anxiety. Through feeling it, trying to avoid it and listening to it, it seems to stems from a lack of time alone, where I know no one will come into my physical space, where I can lay about in my worst clothes, eat ice cream from the container whilst standing at the open freezer door with no fear of being stumbled upon, caught in the act of total incorrectness. To just be, unencumbered by "being on" that is required around most people. While it is relatively easy to not be particularly "on" with Greg and Janet, there is no separate room in their incredible loft, no way to shut the door literally and figuratively on interactions. When sharing the home with BC there are spaces to retreat to, and we can be quiet together (so nice!) there is still that want to be in contact more because we are new, and it is just not the same (as she knows and respects) as being completely alone for a few hours. The last time I can remember having space like that is mid May. Simply too long for this isolating extrovert to go without such time.

The other piece of this is my lack of a place to use as a home base. I am working on a place, ideally somewhere in NY, to retreat to between visits to Sunny's to work (eventually take over the bookkeeping for their business), doing office management for Greg and Janet, as well as trips (10-14 days at a time) to stay with BC. There are some leads developing but nothing is known and I suspect it's getting to me a bit. I have hopes of a cabin in the New Paltz area, so pray to your special deity that this cabin or something similar manifests soon.

Now that the summer is done, so is the bulk of my paying work, another area that is creating some stress so I will have to work on finishing the tasks associated with those positions as well as put time into my other smaller gigs, and finding new ones. It has occurred to me that I need to create a bit of schedule to my days in order to take care of the various tasks and goals on my plate, one that is flexible enough to be done regardless of where I am physically. One would think that after being self employed for a dozen years I would have this down better, but my work and life flows change so much, plus I am so loathe to rigidity and structure that I am afraid I have made it worse. Well there is always time to work on things and improve them, yes?

So this is where I've been, and what I am working on most immediately. I will work on being a better, more consistent communicator as well. I really lost track of time and had not realized it had been so long since I posted.

The first of my sins

It’s true, it might even be obvious. I am greedy.

Sometimes my greed is simply and ordinary – I want more shoes, I pour over handbags on the computer, or even more basic I want more money because while it can’t, or shouldn’t buy love, it does buy some peace of mind.

Deeper down what I yearn for, what there is never enough of, is love. It is why it’s so hard to stay single. It’s part of why I like flirting – flirting is like small droplets of love, never enough to quench one’s thirst but it is so good one can forget how unquenchable their need is for a brief moment.

Since embarking on my latest journey, a sort of quest of myself even, I have been reminded of the love of family and friends almost daily. It is like a drug, a highly addictive drug. This is not bad, I do not even think I am unusual in this greed, this insatiable need, it consumes all of us, though perhaps some of us are more cognizant of its role. Many times I have painfully aware of how it runs my operating system. This time around however I hope to use it to better myself, to stop trying to fighting my need others, that I need their love, their adoration. This time I’d like to be more aware of disbursing what I need and receive in an outward direction more gracefully, more consciously of this innate drive we all share. I want to appreciate daily the love I have in my life, to have more faith that it will not all suddenly shrivel up and retreat from me. The last few months I have received a precious gift of acknowledgment and support, and yes love of friends and family; I have received amazing reconnections with people; I have been reminded how long some dear ones have been in my life and despite long bouts of absence there is no change in our feelings, in our connection.

I have been blessed; in fact I have been for a very long time. I am grateful for my blessings as I am grateful for the difficult times – they are both tools of teaching, of self knowledge, both lead towards enlightenment. I am not aiming to be the next Buddha, or even a bodhisattva but I do think part of our role in life is to strive towards that place of graciousness, of loving non-attachment, to see the light in everyone, of becoming more peaceful and complete within ourselves. So I will use my greed in the most positive ways I can find – to gather more love in order to distribute it widely with great passion towards others, to offer support and hope, to walk the right path for me.

(Just one version/image of a dharma wheel)

Another Journey

Just got on the bus to leave the Jersey Shore and am immediately feeling sad, or something akin to sad. Melancholy might be better description. Wish I knew why. I suppose it could be one less adventure to look forward to and a sign that the summer is closing in on me. However that is not really a bad thing is it? I suppose there will be less traveling here and there, bouncing from one site to another come fall. Perhaps the downside to that is it means I need to figure out my next steps more fully, be less carefree. This is not really bad, right? Somebody tell me it’s not.

Perhaps it’s an artifact of having just been talking about my ex, her geekyness, which often brings up sadness at something that has completely been dismantled, and the hurt I feel over it. There is a lot of self examination that needs to still happen there as I would like to learn from this and not repeat things.

My friend Deb, who I was just visiting, queried me about what I have to learn from this experience. We talked about our patterns about the partners we choose. There is something about her geekyness which is similar to my father was my short answer. “Ah so you were working through that”, was her response. I reflected about my last three relationships and thought about how in some ways I had gone through all three of my parents’ various traits – good and bad, in them. Maybe I’m done? Maybe I’m ready for something different? Something a bit healthier? That would be nice. Really nice in fact. Not that everything was bad in the last three. That is certainly not the case. Okay M was and still is really crazy, but I learned a lot about myself and I did have some good fun. C was wonderful in so many ways, it’s a shame that it couldn’t last. Her geekyness, well, there was some awesomeness there and I did learn a lot through this experience. I just wish some of it didn’t have to be so damn painful. Right now I am really relishing not living with anyone, not being in constant negotiation around decisions, travel plans, and money.

There is still much work for me to do on myself and I suppose the good thing about settling down a bit more is that I can find a therapist to dig a little deeper, maybe work on changing the tapes in my head some more. Maybe find a yoga class to work on another level of peace within. And a gym, or dance classes. I suppose finding more work will be first on the list in order to pay for all this good self improvement stuff, huh? Yeah, a job. Anyone know of anything? Seriously I have a lot skills, so email me if you know of anything in NYC or something that can be done telecommuting especially. Thanks!