Caught in the Light

You are always beautiful. Often your hair flows, slides, down across your shoulders, your face, your back. Yes, frequently it needs to be brushed but it always seems to beg my fingers to drift through it. There are times you look studious, or sometimes you look like this

It's hard to believe how much that expression is like yours but of course since you never see yourself do this you just have to trust me on this.

Your eyes are amazing, the color shifting to greener, or less green with dark lashes, attentive, smiling, serious.

But sometimes, like late last night when you reached over me to grab something in the dusky light of the bedroom, you look.... something beyond common beauty and take my breath away. It only lasts a moment but it stirs something deep and strong in me; if I get cold I should simply recall that brief glimpse because it warms me. It's special, intangible moments like that make what we have so lovely - being able to take in single moments, relishing them, you, us in the here and now.

Happy Valentine's Day.

In which our heroine regains her balance

BC came up on Thursday about noon. In a horrible imitation of all the sappy movies ever shown on L*fetime Telev*sion, I actually came running out the front door to greet her. Yes, I know, it's sickening but after all the craziness of the day before, and three weeks apart, well I was happy to see her.

Even though she had to work, we went to grab some food at the Gilded Otter, and before she settled down to her computer she gave me my first gift - chocolates. And not just any chocolate, but locally made in Cleveland and a hand picked by her assortment which meant half a pound of it was dark chocolate covered caramels. Dinner was a simple trip into town to a Thai restaurant. When we came home, I made a fire and she gathered up blankets for us to lie on. Then she presented me with the rest of my gifts. First was a tiny packet of those infamous candy hearts, so cute. Then a small box that contained a beautiful necklace, a sterling silver mezuzah pendant. This is one of the most touching gifts I have ever received. Following this were three pairs of lacy thongs by one my favorite brands, Felina. Finally an absolutely gorgeous bra and underwear by Chantelle, an new favorite of mine, in a very dark blue and a very graceful lace pattern. The rest of the evening went as one might imagine given a fire, a quiet house alone in the country after three weeks apart.

The next day we met Greg for lunch at the Main Street Bistro, which was so good we thought we might go there for breakfast before she left on Sunday morning. Soon she was back at work. Upon my experience and Greg's recommendation I returned, this time with her to the Northern Spy where we had a very good dinner.

Saturday I took her for my intensive one mile walk which climbs 200 feet in that time. It was good to see that she felt it, which encouraged me that I am not a total wimp. We decided to wander around town and see what there was to gaze upon. We wandered in an independent bookstore, which taught us more about each other; a runner shop, where she found some nice accessories; a hippy shop where we found earrings for me and a great tye dye for The Kid. Finally in the end we wandered into Water Street Market where we had a fun looking a number of shops. We were both heavily tempted by the hand hammered singing bowls from the Himalayan Shop. Finally we were entranced by the many artists at Eden, at least that's what I think the name is. I want to go back, often because there is so much to look at. Again here we learned more about each other's tastes. In particular we were both charmed and enamored by Sticks work. Also there was Elliott Metal Art that was compelling to both of us. There was a lot of great jewelry, and of course I looked at most of it but one artist was unique and grabbed the attention of both of us, in the end I left with a ring by Christophe Poly that I am very happy with. After much indecision and the randomness of the universe we would up at an amazing place in town for dinner. Since it was Valentine's weekend they had a special dessert on the menu - two red velvet cupcakes served on a platter slathered with ganache. What a lovely and unique couple dessert.

On Sunday after breakfast at the Bistro (this place is truly awesome) BC left and I crashed, fairly literally. I took a huge nap, went to sleep at a reasonable hour, and on Monday I felt so drained, low energy. Upon reflection there was so much going on that I needed to recover from. Except for a five minute conversation with the snow plow guy I had not talked face to face with anyone from Friday afternoon until she arrived so I suspect I was a bit on overload. Also our time together was amazing, close, easy, romantic and I felt totally open. Usually after time together I have been traveling to other people, never having a lot of silence, this time there was nothing but me. I have not mastered this transition yet, it is still new. Rather than berate myself for not doing more, I did what I was moved to, gave myself the grace of finding my way again.

Today, I was much more on target and despite another set back with the car (the emergency brake would not release, ending my plans to work at Sunny's) I regrouped quickly, felt back in my pace. I am still learning so much about myself through this time. At this point I am my third week of doing my morning pages as part of my work with The Artist's Way and I keep digging around, finding interesting things that are living in my brain. Sometimes it feels like doing therapy with myself and it blows my mind. There are mornings I wander around after finishing my three journal pages saying Wow a lot. It's good. I'm good. Life is good. BC and I are good.

She says she's a sap

I say romantic. To-may-to, to-mat-o. All in all I'm okay with it, truly. Romance can be underrated, saccharine, missing, offered in a different language than the one you speak, badly timed, or any number of ways that it fails to touch that spot that truly makes you feel satisfied.

Very early on she told me she loved me. Later she told I should have taken a cue from Loretta, slapped her and said "Snap outta of it!".


I loved that she could laugh at her own overenthusiasm of the emotions running through her. A part of me wished I had been that witty in that moment, the truth was that I was blindsided by her ability to utter her feelings with such abandon. Moonstruck is a favorite of hers, the other day I got a notification from Netflicks that her disc of Love Actually was due to be delivered shortly. Without fail and a fair amount of grace she opens all doors for me, says "Yes, please" and when we are apart I got an email each morning telling of her plans for the day that starts with greetings such as "Good morning beautiful".

Tonight we are in our bed, the Small One between us, watching Up. "I think that is the most beautiful opening montages of a movie ever." A wordless and lovely rendering of a couple's love and dreams. This was said with such reverence, warmth and adoration in her voice, as if this is her wish -to find a person to share her future with where the love just grows, matures, and each person really wants to be there. How utterly charming, compelling.

Sap when harvested, and tended, what it boils down to is a full-bodied, rich liquid which can be used for sweet and savory concoctions, just like love adds that something extra to the every day. Romantic.

The wrong time

I started out half watching as I often do, playing on the computer but the music not surprisingly sucked me in, the music is one of the key characters of this series. Until very recently I never gave Cold Case any attention but somehow, one day it sunk in. Sure the premise that they can solve cases that are decades old let alone one from just five years previous is stretching things.

Tonight's repeat, "Best Friends" was so incredibly sad, perhaps more so because it hit on so many of societies biases - race and sexuality. At first I thought the actress that played Billie was too feminine to be convincing as a butch, but it didn't really matter as the story grew, not one bit. I have been fortunate that my family and friends did not turn away when I came out, I have friends who have had much harder roads. But I have experienced peoples' distaste when I was with people of colour, or another woman. When it was both, I felt attacked from all sides with attitude.

The other thing that struck me was Rose's feelings about never forgetting Billie. I realize the circumstances in the episode (no spoiler here) that of course she would but so many shows create the story of first or early loves being so wonderful, perpetually seen through rose tinted glasses. That idea is so foreign to me. The closest I got to that was with Marz when I was in my early twenties, but the rosy glowed ended long before the relationship did. It was the first, perhaps only time, I understood at all the notion of "falling in love", that rush, the grand hope attached, throwing all caution to the wind. Yes, I was filled with cliches in those early days. Well as filled as I can get, which isn't very really. Poetic license and all that, reflecting back on that time for the purposes of well, poetic license. I never bought the prince charming stories, I never believed in forever, but what about the forever of love of someone even if you aren't with them anymore? I have exes i still ove regardless of the extent of our contact, but I harbour any illusions of what might have been, or what if's about reunions. I know some people do, Rose in the storyline certainly does which suits the purposes of hitting all those poignant notes.

I suppose this goes back a bit to my valentine's day post - romantic love being a transient state and overvalued. This is not to say that I do not feel romantic toward TGF because I do, but it is not a perpetual euphoria any more than the early days of endless sex is perpetual which overall is a good thing or else the animals at Casa de Cedar would rebel loudly from lack of food and attention. However the public message is that love is supposed to romantic and all consuming as well as problem free. Love takes work there are smooth days and ones that are bumpier than road riddled with frost heaves in Vermont. Rose and Billy never got that far, like many couples of all ilks but somehow their tales, and the rose tinted versions of couple celebrating 30 years together become the standard we struggle to measure up to.

Hardly what I would call a holiday

It can't be an ordinary day because everywhere you turn there is a reminder that you are supposed to expect or provide romance, jewels, or at least a roll in the hay, especially if you usually don't roll. But it really is an ordinary day that should only be remarkable if one is truly inspired not because the calendar tells you marking your love is important today, like a "one day sale". Although given the date is in honour of two Catholic martyrs perhaps it is a form of sweet justice that so many rush around, feeling stress, and others have expectations unmet.

The day became associated with romantic love in the High Middle Ages when courtly love was popular. Courtly love. Elitist much? No wonder there is so much emphasis on spending money for this "holiday". I have been single, miserably partnered, and happily partnered on this day, depending on the year. In my relationships I have never stressed the importance of this day, preferring that the everyday, random display, the one that comes because my lover is simply moved to act is compelling, more romantic. Does this mean I am not charmed and immensely pleased on the chance that the someone happens to chose to display their affection on February 14th? No, it's a special treat, but only because I have conditioned to think so, not because it actually is a treat. The treat is in the act, not the date.

It is one the events on our calendar that stresses the primacy of couplehood versus being single. I have a number of friends who are single, usually relatively happily so but yet the fourteenth of February leaves many of them and other uncoupled folks grumpy, claiming to hate this day, or even dare I say expressing bitterness. Really I can't blame them, especially because I recognize myself in their utterances. Today I am in a good, strong relationship but that doesn't mean there isn't a part of me sitting in that room with those single people because society places an unfair burden of explaining of their state because the norm for this culture is to be partnered. It treasures romantic love above all other forms, except probably parental love.

This is a discussion that occurred on an email list I am on several months ago. It stemmed from the final episode of Will and Grace which showed their friendship crumbled and in the past while each were happily married. Not surprisingly we did not come to any paradigm shifting conclusions but a lot of interesting things were said. Recently there was a thread on soul mates: do they exist, does the concept harm us, can we have more than one, more than one kind. I think they do exist, I know I have more than one, and more than one kind. My friend Greg is definitely a soul mate. Sometimes I have met someone and felt an instant connection, a sense of "knowing" them previously. They were a type of soul mate in that I was meant to meet up with this person. Forever? Probably not for most of them.

There is a bit of that sense with TGF in that our connection was so deep, so fast. We met via an email list, not a hook up site at all. After a few short months we met in person and though it's hard to convey my visceral response I will try. Her face did not surprise me. Yes we had sent a few photos (how else do you meet a stranger in an airport?) but it wasn't that. It was her facial expressions, the way she looked at me - I felt naked in a very emotional way that weekend. I felt like I knew her. Those few days took me though more emotions than I usually experience in a month. Does that make her my soul mate? It is not a label I have used to describe though after writing the above, I wonder why not.

My friends are extremely important to my well-being, just as is TGF. Maybe next year I will have party on valentine's day that is all about friends and love but not romantic pairings, celebrate the other relationships that are just as important to feeding our souls. Being one half a romantic pair is not the only reality out there but it often feels like that is the only thing admirable. Especially today.