Amazing how things coincide and circle on themselves

This morning while Sunny walked with me for a bit, as she often accompanies for the first few minutes of my routine, I remarked that she was going further, walking faster than usual and that I was impressed. She has had some mysterious lung thing for months now and it has inhibited her energy supply a great deal. Her response was that she was trying to keep up with me. Especially given what I had written yesterday, this made me smile. I have always maintained that my brisk walking pace, which surprises people as I am so short (that's what they say, don't blame me for the logic), comes from trying to keep up with my mother when I was younger. I have a clear memory of being somewhere between the ages of 6-8 years old pumping my even shorter legs madly to keep up with her.

Later today I read the weekly mailing I get from DK Brainard about the states of the stars. I know I frequently extol the virtues of Rob Brezsny and I still adore him but I like to read another source on occasion. Anyway his weekly discussion seemed very much aligned with my thoughts lately.

The New Moon always represents a call to let go of an old pattern of seeing, thinking about, or acting in the world and open ourselves to a new cycle of experience. With its square to the Jupiter-Chiron-Neptune alignment in Aquarius, this New Moon seems to be asking us to transform our experience of society by looking within ourselves to see where the inner energy has become blocked.

The Scorpio card in the Tarot deck is the Death card. Sometimes it takes the kind of shock that Lully underwent in order for us to see the true nature of our ego drives. Just as often, dying to self so that we can be reborn into the greater Self is a gradual process, one that progresses in fits and starts, with small victories and disappointing setbacks.

The ability to see into our souls and understand what drives us to do those things we don't want to do anymore but still feel compelled to do -- this is the gift of Scorpio. Because once we have awareness of the true nature of our thoughts, emotions and habitual acts, we can never again go back to a state of ignorance. Once awareness is reached, transformation of the root energy is only a matter of time.

I love the idea that each new moon gives an opportunity to think about our patterns and is a good time to start new, healthier ones. Certainly I have been thinking about how my patterns block me from greater growth and success. Understanding what I don't want to do but feel compelled to - so much where I am. It's true that if we really look at ourselves we can never be ignorant again but we can ignore what we know and keep old patterns. This is something I do not want to do, I want more growth, shedding of habits that while familiar and easy but not in my best interest - I want this.

Given the resonance I felt I thought I would check out my horoscope for my sun and rising sun, as Sunny suggested I pay attention to both given my star chart. Again, I was quite struck by how much it mirrored what I have been spending time examing.

Libra - Monday's New Moon in your 2nd House of income, values, and self-esteem suggests that the key to financial bliss is to take Socrates' advice to heart and "Know thyself." The New Moon always asks us to let go of something old and prepare the ground of our being for a new cycle of growth. Sometimes a New Moon in the 2nd House can take away a job, client or other source of income in order to open you to a better income stream. But this year's New Moon seems more internally focused. I'm sure you've heard of this technique before, but I wonder if you've ever really tried it: Each time you find yourself wishing for more money, ask yourself "Why?". And keep asking "Why" until you get to the root emotion of your longing for more. When you focus on this root emotion, you are applying your manifestation energy where your soul power is strongest. So, for example, if you discover you want more money so you can travel abroad, replace your vague wishes for more money with vivid imaginations of you enjoying your foreign travels. If more money would make you feel more secure, stop thinking about money and start magnifying the moments in your life when you do feel secure. This juju really works if you work it. And you might expect a friend or colleague to remind you of this rather forcefully around the middle of the week.

Leo - You could be especially prickly in your den this week, with Monday's New Moon falling in your 4th House of home, family and emotional security. Like the Queen in her castle, you like to have things your way around the house. You radiate a lot of sunshine for your people and when it's time to recharge, you expect those around you to understand your need for space. This week's New Moon energy represents the end of an old cycle and the start of a new one relating to how you deal with home, family and emotional matters. You could be contemplating an actual move, or you might find yourself mulling over your family's emotional legacy and noticing how your parents' quirks and emotional limitations are playing out in your own domestic life. All you really need to do to start freeing yourself from this emotional family karma is to allow yourself to be aware of it. And realize that the more you let go of family guilt and allow yourself to truly feel safe and at home in the world, the more sunshine you'll be able to share with the rest of the kingdom.

I love when the two signs seem to intertwine and enhance the other in terms of what they say to me. Being vague with goals is a problem and something that needs work. Certainly wanting more income, more financial security is huge for me so I like the idea of looking at moments of security rather than grasping blindly for something I have yet to truly define. It is also true that I need serious down time to recharge and being alone enough to do that has been a challenge during this gypsy time of my life. And yes contemplating a move is certainly in the long list of things I am moving through right now. In addition I have been giving thought, especially in the last few days, to the emotional legacy our parents bestow upon us - the positive and negative ones.

Feeling safe and at home in the world is something I have pondering as I heal from various scars, hurts, betrayals - all life's gifts hard as they be, it is a big one. More than I ever realized. I have often believed that I felt at home in the world; this is true but the last eights months have given a deeper stretch into that as usually I am very attached to my "home" wherever it is that I am living; only now I am finding how well I am in being comfortable in the home that is inside me, that is always with me no matter where I receive my mail. This is the home that needs to be made cozy, hospitable, decorated, cared for, the hearth to be tended. Because no matter where you, there you are.

Who's the mother? Which mother? Me?

You know how sometimes you realize your pose is your mother's? How when something comes out of your mouth, you see her in your head saying it exactly the same way? Certainly I have had far too many of those instances, especially lately when I am noticing some of the habits that drive me nuts about Sunny, exist in me. There are a lot funny t-shirts and stories about how we become our mothers, but what about when they turn in to you or their mother.

Last month we went to see Menopause: The Musical; we got to the theatre early and shopped around. There we were in a shop, I was further back still browsing when I realized she had left without telling me. Was she waiting outside? No, she had teetered off down the street without a word, just a like toddler would do, no awareness of others. Like a mother who's child often does this my response ranged from annoyance to resigned acceptance with a bit of hoping I found her quickly mixed in. I realized I might have done to her (though truthfully my recollection is that I was a very timid child) when I was young. It also made me think of other grown children who have a parent with dementia and how the roles are permanently reversed.

Yesterday I drove us the Paper Mill Playhouse, a fairly prestigious regional theatre to see my cousin play one of the leads in On The Town. Since Sunny had let him know we were coming he told us to meet him at the stage door after show (last time we did that was when he was in A Chorus Line on Broadway when it was in previews). Sunny took a seat with all her layers on or draped about her, messager bag like a large brown cat in her lap, looking small buried by all her stuff. When Jeff came out she didn't rise from her seat, reaching up to hug him as he bent down to wrap his arms around her. I was struck at how this resembled a scene from about a decade ago when Sunny, her mother, and I went to Broadway to see Jeff in Beauty and The Beast. The images of my grandmother and Sunny merged as her behavior, even her posture and bags became Helen's. It was mesmerizing and surreal, perhaps a mirror of my future. Will I fail to rise to greet someone in twenty years, too tired, to weighted down with clothing, bags, angst?

Then this morning as I was decluttering her office space, I was stunned and annoyed by her random stacks of papers on the floor. As I picked up and sorted yet another pile:

Dharma: Why do you do this?
Sunny: I don't know.
Dharma: Seriously there has to be a better solution.
Sunny: If only I know what it was.
Dharma: Well we have to come up with something because this just won't do.
Sunny: I know.
Dharma: Why do I feel like I am talking to a teenager?

Seriously that's what it was like. I was that teenager, that teenager has lived in my home while I was her guardian, with luck I will have another teenager in my home in the future. However this is my mother. Once again the roles have flipped. How many times in the decade or three will we play all these different characters, one day will she be stuck in one? Can I remain flexible and loving if she loses touch with her other role, that of my mother?

What this has brought home to me is I do not want to not have the energy to get up, I want to stay sharp, I don't want to lose me. My recent strivings in meditation, walking, eating better, reading more, writing more, looking at starting up grad school again are all pathways towards those goals. The reality that half my life is behind me is clear. Equally clear is that I still have about half a life ahead and it's mine to create. While I create that I will continue to drive my mother places, have intricate conversations that mingle theatre, politics, and meditation, and practice graciousness in her charm, her frailty, and her clutter.