Let's do the numbers

This is my 555th posting.

Last month marked my 4th year of this blog
and
Sunny's breast cancer diagnosis
both are surviving just fine. (2005)

Friday will be 8 months since I left Dayton.
Seems surreal sometimes.

Tomorrow I will walk again
which will put me over 10 miles for the week.

35 years ago this month my siblings were born.
Yes, twins.

If I counted correctly I have had 24 addresses, some of them twice.

This summer was my 10th summer as the registrar for Dance New England.

I am participating in my 4th NaBloPoMo.
The first three years I made it through successfully.

(Which of my lovely nerdy friends know where the title of the post is from?)

Sleep continues to be a troubling thing, which is nothing new but still annoying as last week I had two or three nights of (for me) totally blissful rest. For several weeks now I remember more dreams, some are easy to figure out, others clearly are the twisted version of a brain dump.

Tonight I hope to attempt sleep at a reasonable hour but for now I hear the rain hitting the side of house, slapping against hardy foliage that is still on bushes. Early this morning the light was a soft gray outside the window but I declined to rise at that hour. Mid morning, while the light was bright I did a new path for my 3 mile walk, noting the piles of leaves on the curb, left I suppose for a sweeper machine to gather them. Today, as most days, the wind lifted off the top layers of the piles like someone ruffling a child's hair, or turned a random grouping of dessicated flora into a circle dance traveling down the street until the spiral unwound itself and they scattered once more as if they had never engaged in joyous movement.

On the path in Silver Lake Park the river occasionally rushed in places, adding to the ambient noises that were my soundtrack. The leaves crunched and crumbled under my feet. Unlike a lot of people these days, I walk with no little corded buds stuck in my ears. At least not yet. It give me a chance to purposely avoid all media, and often all conversation, to just be, to let my mind wander. It struck me that it is like a form of meditation, one that works for me. Today's realization: I tend to not perseverate on my faults, my worries, my fears. It would seem that my walks have more than one health benefit, what a happy find. Once in a while there was a tiny flash of rain, not even a sprinkle, more like a mist yet the sky was bright.

As I tackled the last incline once I was back on the road I gave myself credit for sticking with my walking goals. I also thought about how much I like taking care of myself. Later the sky went a deeper gray, the sun in hiding and I thought how long a day really is, how many moods the sky has in daylight. Just like me.

Now I feel mostly relaxed, hopeful about sleep, and looking forward to next steps of all kinds.

Yarnish Update

It has been a long time since I mentioned my knitting, for good reason, there has not been a lot of activity. Until lately.

Last holiday season I had started to make a pair of Fuzzy Feet, I finished them quite some time after the celebrating but they still need to be felted. They were going to be for her geekyness and I had intended to finish them and send them on, but now, with all that has gone on, that plan no longer feels right. So they sit, unfelted, waiting a destination.

Back in January I bought some yarn when Dawn and I went on a yarn crawl in Columbus OH where we met up with Erin. Wonderknit had opened recently and I was on a hunt for yarn to make the Hemlock Blanket. The yarn I bought (don't have details as it's at BC's house, just a photo) is a lighter weight than the pattern generally calls for but I think it will be lovely. It has yet to be started.

In February I started and whipped out a beret for myself with yarn that was a gift from a dear friend, the next month I finally finished the socks I had started for myself over a year before. The timing was interesting as both were finished, the first knitted items for me, right after deciding to leave my relationship. I adore the socks and wear them a lot, every time they make me happy. Often I pop the beret on my head and it usually makes me smile.

Recently I finally finished the third ever project for me! It took forever because I kept doing other projects, or not knitting but I love love love it. There is not a great photo of this one yet. I didn't bother blocking it because it's a rayon blend from the best I can determine and has lovely, lovely drape.

I am happy to report that I did finish Greg's Norway Nights balaclava before leaving Brooklyn yesterday afternoon. The yarn was fabulous to work with and I have enough leftover to make a small project with it in the future.



Back in March, once ensconced at my housing with Matt, I started another pair of socks for myself. The yarn was bought quite sometime ago with the exact pattern in mind as soon as I saw on the shelf. This pattern had caught my eye quite a long time ago, before there was a Ravelry (which is the equivalent to the middle ages in knitting-computer timeline). Unfortunately I think that I should have used size 0 needles rather than size 1, but it will be fine. The yarn on the other hand is not thrilling to work with, the ply is loose and a bit splitty.


Today I finally spent some time adding a few of the many new yarns I have acquired in my recently excursions, and adding project photos, which feels good. Still have a number of photos to take and planning to do for all this yarn. Feels like I am finally moving forward on one my passions, something that makes me happy.

I recently started the first knitted gift for BC and I hope to finish it in the next few days. The name, Boston Red Hat, is because it reminds me the red color of the Boston Red Sox, her all time favorite baseball team, much to chagrin of a mutual friend who roots hard for the Yankees. I have no attachment to either team so I float between their razzing.

I hope to have more to write about my craft soon as I have lots of yarn, lots of ideas, and a couple of secret projects started or in the planning stages.

Random Images

From October, one my earliest shots with the new camera.




Patterson Fruit Farms, BC and The Small One, October 25th, 2009.

What I didn't do today

Did not walk today.
Did not blow a conference call meeting (did that yesterday).
Did not stretch.
Did not cook dinner (Greg did, yum!).
Did not stay home with a sick child (but BC did, poor small one has strep).
Did not work today.
Did not skip out on knitting (Norway Nights balaclava is still under construction).
Did not gorge on ice cream (had one small scoop of expresso gelato and blood orange sorbet).
Did not over eat or eat junk.
Did not have a bad day.

Back to Brooklyn

Just in time to miss the massive destruction of the upstairs bathroom in Croton, I headed to Brooklyn to visit with Greg before he leaves for Norway where he will be doing three 11-day cruises as the resident artist and photographer.

I told him I would make him a balaclava before his next trip to Antarctica (he had an artist in residence for a trip there in December/January 2007). In typical fashion I put off getting the yarn for a balaclava which even though he had picked out what he liked during an earlier visit to Brooklyn when I dragged him into Knit-A-Way, in part to check it out, and also to have him help me figure out what yarn he would like. While with BC I tried to get the yarn at the local yarn shop there but they didn't carry that particular yarn. Finally on Friday during my blue mood, I made myself leave the house to go to Flying Fingers because I knew they carried Berroco Cuzco and time was slipping away.

Today is Monday and I still have a ways to go but the yarn knits up like a dream, I can easily see it's appeal. Greg has seen it and is excited, likes the feel of it. Since he picked the pattern and the yarn it should be a nice for him. I may change the pattern slightly by making the hood part in stockinette rather than garter stitch. On Ravelry I have titled this project Norway Nights, since the yarn is black (one of his color choices, though I was hoping to find it in charcoal grey). On the Metro North train I knit until the first skein was just about gone, wound a skein and kept knitting until I got off the subway in Brooklyn.

After arriving Greg and I went for a long walk which included a stop to Sahadi's. If you are ever visiting this area of Brooklyn, you must go there. Seriously. In the end we walked about 3.5 miles, which also puts my on target for my weekly goal - I love having friends who support one's good habits as well as the bad ones! Dinner included chickpea salad, vegetable samosas and baklava, which were purchased during our walk. Along side of that was basmati rice as well as mustard greens with tempeh and some red wine. Just lovely, only now I'd like to sleep but the yarn beckons with a loud ticking clock.

If the shoe fits

I love shoes, as most people in my life know, hell I've written about shoe purchases on this very blog. Since March I have increased my shoe collection several times over - a cheap pair of goth inspired Mary Janes, Keen Mary Janes, Chaco sandals (which are one of the best shoes EVER!), a pair that's for very special occasions, an amazing find of a pair of Think mules for $5!, a pair of Borns (omg these are amazingly well made!), and Harley Boots. I inherited lavender ankle UGG boots from Sunny as well.

Yes, my inner shoe ho has been let loose! These have been gifts or found on fabulous sales. Are these good for my feet? Some are, some are most assuredly are not. But I love them all. The Chaco's, which BC encouraged me to try, are some of the most comfortable things I've ever put on my feet. I wore them every.single.day of camp in August and my feet only started to ache the very last day. This is miraculous people.

With a goal of a major hike in April, and an overall change in activity I also needed sneakers and hiking boots. Ah, those cannot be shopped for lightly because they need to seriously fit. BC is an athlete, is currently training for the Disney marathon, so she took me to her favorite shop to get some sneakers to support my walking goals (I walked 8 miles this week). Usually I go and find the sneakers that appeal to me aesthetically, that seems like the toe box is wide enough for me and if they fit and are cheap enough I buy them. Of course it's been forever since I even did that. At Fleet Feet they measure your feet, have you walk barefoot and bring you the best options based on those things. The sneaker guy brought me three pairs, the first were fabulous and ultimately won out. In addition Superfeet inserts were purchased for the little extra to keep my feet stable. These sneakers are fabulous! It is amazing to have something really, deeply fit.

Sunny has been offering to gift with hiking boots for months now, and well now there is more motivation than ever. Today we took a long drive to Middletown to go to this place which has a similar model of service. As it turns out my feet don't seem to have a great deal wrong with them (yeah!) according Frank who was filled with an enormous amount of knowledge and the background of a serious runner (two coast to coast runs). I also learned that Superfeet designed the berry insert (the one I have) based on his input. I walked out with the only pair he gave to try, again I have never gotten hiking boots this way, laced the way he showed me (the sherpa lacing).

His motto is a shoe should fit from the get go, he doesn't believe in "breaking in" of shoes. I am not sure I totally agree but that may be because I like a lot of different shoes and dammit they are not all going to be "comfortable shoes", even if I am a lesbian. It also makes me think about relationships. There are some that are so appealing, look so good, feel so good in a surface way but you know they are going to pinch, or not support enough when the day goes long and you are tired. You keep them around (both the person and the shoes) usually for far too long and even after things are over your mind wanders back to the what ifs, the allure, and the tape plays in your head about what you could have done different, if only you had never tried to make it work, and damn weren't they cute. Shoes that are going to go the distance are the ones that fit pretty well from the start, perhaps one's romantic relationships should be entered into the way one would buy the boot that will support the journey regardless of where it takes you.

It takes work. No really.

This article doesn't really tell me, or probably most of us anything new but there were a few good tidbits. I am well aware that relationships, all of them including our friends and family, take work. There is no coasting through, there is little or no mind reading. It's also true that we tend to partner with people who remind us of our parents. I know I have. My last three major relationships definitely mirrored my three parents in good and not so good ways. It is my hope that now that I have gone through those archetypes in some major ways, that perhaps I am largely done processing my past in that fashion.

There was an interesting point made about what we do as we flail against our disappointment. The author suggests that we hurt ourselves as well as our partner as we go down a path of ineffective strategies:

• Being right
• Controlling their partner.
• Unbridled self-expression
• Retaliation
• Withdrawing

Wow. I don't think I have done much to control a partner, but perhaps I am deluding myself, nor am I into retaliation. However, sigh, being right? Withdrawing? Check and check. Not being heard, or my perception of that I have not been heard, is a hot button for me. Like the size of Texas. I hold onto my being right like a shield in battle; it is my amulet against being misunderstood.

The most of rules that Real lays out are simple but not always easy in the heat of the moment. I love the first suggestion which is to go after what you want, but check in with yourself first to ask yourself what you really want in that moment. Simple and absolutely brilliant. Of course I love the suggestion to make positive statements rather than complaints. It's all about reframing. A friend used to refer to me as the Queen of Reframe. Listening and responding generously I can do. Sometimes. There are times when I am less than generous in truth. It is something I keep striving to improve on. To me it sounds a bit trite, simplistic even to suggest that one is anger because they are trying to control something and it's not cooperating. I do understand that could be what's going on, but having been angry for reasons beyond trying to control something or, let's get real, someone. Yes letting go of trying to control some things is important for one's happiness and sanity but it is not the only place anger stems from (of course if I were willing to take his course for $3400 {per couple} I might get a better answer than the one in a quick article found on the web). The last "rule" is to keep one's eye on the prize, the prize being the relationship that is worth working on and for, rather than being quick to think leaving is an option.

There are no fast and easy answers, and this article certainly has limitations but it has a few useful suggestions but I can't say I would buy his book or cd; as far as taking one of his programs, um, no thanks. Clearly this is a topic I have been giving a lot of thought in the last 12-15 months but the work is always ongoing. So far BC and I have been doing pretty well at following the suggestions in the article. My hope is that we can keep doing the things that work, figure out new ideas for the things that don't, and be willing to seek help rather than be miserable or walk.

A Day in the Valley

No I didn't go anywhere, this is the metaphorical valley, where one resides when they fall from a lovely high. Last night I stayed up too late, tired but not wanting to give in to sleep, alone in a bed for the first time in two weeks. As the light rose I woke frequently but was now on the other side of things, not wanting to get up and face the day. Drifting in the in between state I thought how I didn't feel like hauling down to the city for Janet's performance (as much as I love her and wanted to go), nor was I feeling inspired to head up to New Paltz tomorrow for any part of the DNE weekend. I was in a wallowing mood. Feeling sad for myself at all the things I need to do that I have been setting aside.

I thought about why I wasn't enjoying this quietude more and I realized that staying at Sunny's is a stop gap, that I had left home behind with BC. Everywhere else has become the place I visit. But it just feels too soon, way too soon to move in so I am left with figuring out my next steps about where to be in between visits home.

As much as I have loved the last seven plus months of bouncing about, it is getting a little old, harder to focus within all this. There are time I so want a dresser and a closet that it is almost an ache. In the meantime I will hang things up here at Sunny's, finally, instead of having them in five different places. It's a step towards normalcy.

So tonight I am in my little packed room of stuff, mostly Sunny's but my mess overruns the space as well, missing my sweetheart, taking a break from knitting, making a list of the things I will accomplish in the next two weeks before I go home again, home again jiggity jig.

Union through yoga

The first article in the Beginner's Guide I picked up the other day talks about yoga being "nothing more or less than a practice of being one's true eternal, capital-S Self". It also describes, clearly and succinctly the eight limbs of yoga, which I find resembles Buddhism at great deal which means it should be a good match for me if I can figure out how to find a style and method of practice that works for me.

Most people are familiar with the asanas (postures) and even the pranyama (breathwork) but I suspect many would think the dharana (concentration) and dhyana (meditation) are much the same, perhaps confuse them as to some degree is almost seems like splitting hairs. Judith Hanson Lasater does a good job at showing how one flows into the other, which then leads to samadhi (union). It also explains why samadhi is going to take me a while to reach. The ability to sit still and keep one's mind on a single thing is dharana; when that becomes continuous and uninterrupted one has moved to dhyana. Lasater states that meditation is not about "going somewhere else" with the mind but rather being here and now, fully. "Only in this state of raw presence can we experience samadhi, the Self realization that is the ultimate goal in yoga." Good thing to remember when after months of effort my diaphragm continues to spasm at the mere suggestion of a shoulder stand.

In looking at niyamas (observances) there were two of the five that stood out in meaning for me. The second niyama is santosha (contentment). The author suggests that it might seem odd to practice contentment but it makes sense to me; contentment doesn't just arise when conditions are right, contentment is about the willingness to be at peace with whatever is, even if one is not actually content in the moment. This feels like something I have been practicing for a long time, but especially in recent months where little about my next step is known to me, where I am working on being happier inside myself it has taken some leaps of faith to be at ease. The last one is svadhyaya (self study) which involves looking at "our attachment to and belief in our own thoughts so that we can understand how they keep us from the deepest connection with our true Self". Certainly I have been looking at my attachments to negative thoughts which in turn affect (or is that effect, I can never keep those two straight!) all my thoughts and behaviors. The niyama that I need to devote more attention and effort to is tapas (discipline). No surprise to anyone who knows me at all. The remaining two are saucha (purity) and Ishvara pranidhana (devotion). All of them deserve my time and focus.

Balance is so important. This summer at NCDC, there was a wall hanging of Buddhist imagery that I was not familiar with, but there was a note stating it was Yab-Yum. Never running across this one I of course went online to search and found this on Wikipedia. The notions of balancing duality spoke to me, seemed to repeat my thoughts of paying attention of all my desires, all my strengths and limitations, and honoring different sides of my sexuality, my role in partnership with someone.

The symbolism of union and sexual polarity is a central teaching Tantric Buddhism, especially in Tibet. The union is realised by the practitioner as a mystical experience within one's own body.

I purchased the wall hanging, though I have not hung it anywhere, as a reminder of my goals, my work. Soon, it will hang somewhere, somewhere I can view it, meditate on it's meaning, on the images letting myself enter dharana, perhaps moving into dhyana and maybe one day I will glimpse samadhi.

As November Coasts In

Pattersons Fruit Farm, Chesterville, OH. October 25th, 2009

The horoscope hits home

As I believe I have mentioned before, I adore Rob Brezsny's horoscopes. Per Sunny's suggestion eons ago I always read my sun sign and my rising sign's forecast, especially his. Many times in recent months it has seemed like he was writing just for me. While my sun sign hit home and was meaningful, this week's meditation for my rising resonated deep and hard.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It might be tempting to turn your home into a
womb-like sanctuary and explore the mysteries of doing absolutely
nothing while clad in your pajamas. And frankly, this might be a good idea.
After the risks you've taken to reach out to the other side, after the
bridges you've built in the midst of the storms, after the skirmishes
you've fought in the Gossip Wars, you have every right to retreat and get
your homebody persona humming at a higher vibration. So I say: Be
meticulously leisurely as you celebrate the deep pleasures of self-care.

The last several months, since deciding to and actually leaving Dayton have been a hard and exhilarating journey, there have been moments of deep grief, of knowing people were sitting in judgment, sure that people were writing their own version of what they perceived to be the truth no matter how far from my reality their story was, and I practiced deeply at letting go other people's stories about me. Every so often it comes up again, as it did a few weeks ago but this time I had a harder being a good Buddhist about it, wanting to contact the person to call them on their behavior, to chastise them for stirring the pot, for speaking out of turn. In the end I did none of those things but I did sit in my stew, rant about the ability of people to make trouble, and eventually I let it go.

As the sun fades less of the day is lit, the temperatures start to gently drop, the urge to hibernate, to hole up has begun to blossom in me. Yet I am still largely roaming and have no place that is home, not full time. The struggle to find a rhythm with no outside structure becomes bigger as time creeps on and the urge to contemplate my own navel becomes a stronger pull. My self care needs to include a schedule, a set of goals, perhaps even daily (other than getting out of bed) seems a way to lick my wounds and do more inner work; it really should be no surprise to me but yet it catches me off guard that I still feel hurt and angry about my last relationship. Though my wild ideas of foreign travel seem further away, it does not mean I need to forgo gathering my forces to challenge myself in other ways, so training for a potential hiking adventure will be part of the nurturing I give myself. As to contemplating the mysteries of doing nothing, I think I excel at that too well with no further enlightenment, so in order to work the idea of nothingness in a new fashion I purchased Yoga Journal's special issue, Yoga for Beginners in a fit of inspiration, or desperation, hard to know which in this case.

Regardless of where I lay my head, I can work on cultivating my inner cozy home. The addition of the fabulous Life is Good socks and pullover BC got will definitely help and are portable to boot.

NaBloPoMo - Year Four

Yes, I am going to try for it again this year. If I remember correctly I did this for the first time in 2006, and again in '07 & '08, so this will be year four. The first year I also Lacevember which apparently is no more. That November I blogged every day, finished my first lace knitting project and kicked butt in my school work.



In 2007 I tried to also do NaKniSweMo but failed at the knitting piece (I finished said sweater February 2009). Given that last November I was working the hell job, my relationship was breaking apart, it's amazing that I blogged every day.

This year will be interesting for new reasons in that I am still roaming a bit, but a tad less than my usual this coming month, and the next actually. Well I suppose that depends on how one counts things. Right now I am with BC, flying back to NY area on Thursday. Not sure of my schedule between then and the next time I drive back out here. Some time in Croton, some in Brooklyn, and I would love to go to Western Massachusetts to see friends, before being back with BC for Thanksgiving. In the beginning of December my current plan is to visit Abby and Michael in Yuma AZ, with a trip to Joshua Tree National Forest for a weekend. So there will be some bouncing during this time of meeting this writing goal. Should be doable, don't ya think? Lie to me if you need to people. Seriously.

My "Family" Weekend

Last Thursday I flew to see BC since my hardy but aging Indy (aka my vehicle) needed a new transmission. We had a lovely reunion just the two of us before her daughter came home on Friday after school. In fact I had a very quiet day because BC worked at the office for a change so I was able to get grounded here before a packed weekend. Many Fridays are movie night for them and this time we got Chinese take out and watched Bolt, which I had never seen. For your reference it's okay, nothing great but cute for kids. After the movie we all went upstairs and read in our bed, wearing our jammies with the small one in the middle - it was very sweet.

Saturday morning her daughter and I were on our own since BC was out doing her long run (she is training for a marathon) and I made pancakes for breakfast, keeping some warm for BC as I knew she'd be hungry when she returned. Later a friend came by and we took the girls to the Cleveland Zoo despite the less than stellar weather because that day was the last for the special dinosaur exhibition and the small one is All.About.Dinosaurs. For dinner we made individual pizzas and the girls played until it was time for bed.

In the morning the small one begged off horseback riding lessons, something she rarely does because horses and dinosaurs run about neck and neck in importance in her universe, so she could hang with her friend some more. While BC ran out for eggs (we had planned on a quick cereal breakfast before heading out to the stables), I started the bacon. After breakfast the girls tormented us sweetly pretending to be moving rocks, ghosts, and other undefined beings, which we then tickled until they ran from the room only to return sans blankets to ask what all the noise was about. After her friend went home we went to Patterson's Fruit Farm to indulge in apple fritters and to bring home apples and a pumpkin. It was a perfect fall day, foliage alight everywhere, families bustling around the farm, smells from the bakery drifting in tempting waves.

That evening after dinner we all took a soak in the hot tub, talking, giggling and generally having way too much fun. At one point we were all cuddled up together, under a dark sky with a few stars twinkling, steam forming where the hot water met the cool air and it all felt simple. After the small one went to bed I felt so tired and reflected on how lovely and surreal the weekend felt - in many ways this is one version of life that I had envisioned for myself, and had given up on yet here it was being dangled in front of me as if to ask me one more time, "are you sure?". The answer is no, I'm not sure, I was never really positive I didn't want to be a parent, it was more that I felt I couldn't be, that I don't really have what it takes. It doesn't mean I don't still want it, it doesn't mean I have finished mourning roads not taken, it doesn't mean that sometimes that physical ache of what never grew inside me is gone forever. I certainly never planned or thought about getting involved with a parent; that I am now does not make me a parent but it closer than I've been in a very long time and now the ache has changed - in some ways it is stronger, in some ways that void is being filled just the smallest bit but with no promise of what the future holds for this fragile seedling of something that could be family, my family.

Trying to Catch Up

The days following where I left off were rather plain and ordinary. Shocking I know but not every day involves travel, love, and Broadway. That Thursday I went to a clinic to get a breast exam in order to be "in the system" for a free mammogram. So exciting I can hardly tell you. Good thing I brought my knitting since there was a whole lot of waiting around. Speaking of which I still have not heard back from them regarding said mammogram, another thing to add to my to do list, call the clinic.

Friday I picked up Janet from the Metro North station so we could head to New Paltz for some festivities. On the way up we stopped at DIA:Beacon, a museum Ms. Morgan wanted to check out. It was the least juicy art either of us had seen, perhaps ever. We resumed our travels to arrive at Matt's new abode in the center of New Paltz where we had a bit of an impromptu party with the addition of some of his pals. Greg could not resist his new addiction and I looked up several Eddie Izzard videos on YouTube to fed his habit.

The next day, later than Greg wanted due to his enthusiasm, we headed outside of town to Joe and Steph's lovely home where our SCA household (House Ostrov) was holding the annual Feast in the Woods. As the afternoon slid into early evening people changed into garb, the fire was maintained in a roaring fashion, mead and food were consumed, and conversation flowed until close to midnight. Janet, aka Otgon the Bemused, took and posted photos.

Sunday morning Greg, Janet, Kelly and I went for about a 4.5 mile hike - my first one in easily 15 years! There was some scrambling up rocks and such to reach Bonticou Crag Summit.
Proof I was up there compliments of Janet.

There were lots of lovely views and I got an excellent chance to use my new camera (courtesy of BC).

<- A view from the top.

Looking back at the path on the way back to the house.

Hungry from our excursion we snacked quickly on leftovers from the feast and loaded up the car to return to the city. Unfortunately a trip that should have taken two hours was turned into a four hour exercise in patience due to traffic.

Tuesday night I cooked dinner using ingredients from Joe's garden: large chili peppers (which I stuffed), kale sauteed with garlic. Plus I introduced Janet and Greg to the magic of spaghetti squash tossed with butter, salt, pepper, and Parmesan cheese. Later we watched Tank Girl which I had, amazingly, never seen. Seeing it I finally figure out where Greg got his constant refrain: Is that wrong?

I stayed with them until Thursday morning when I drove back to Croton, planning on a big weekend; however I woke feeling a bit crummy and mostly staying in bed on Saturday. Sunday morning I woke determined to continue my plans, heading up to Rhinebeck for the infamous Sheep and Wool Festival, the mecca for us yarn heads. It was so so wonderful even though the weather was not fabulous, the yarns were. Great fun was had, cute animals (including ringed tail lemurs!) were seen, and lots of yarn was procured. From there I headed to New Paltz for Matt's housewarming party where I met up with Greg. We stayed long enough to go through a few variations of "variations" of the party; great fun seeing the ebb and flow of a social gathering. Joe also came; later the three of us headed back to his house to crash for the night. In the morning Greg and I drove over to Mohonk Mountain House and did an easy hike of about 3 miles with gorgeous views. Unfortunately I did not have my camera so I have no lovely vistas to share with you. Greg and I returned to the house to pack up and I drove him down to the Metro North station near my folks' place.

My plan had been to drive to BC's house but the car (Indy, short for Indigo, formerly referred to as the Purple Beast. Now that she is mine outright I renamed her since the ex had christened her PB.) had been acting up a bit so I decided it was wise to take her in before a long drive. Ha! We will just say that I would up flying and will owe the folks a great deal of money for fronting the price of a new transmission.

So that gets us to last Thursday. I will attempt to write again soon but life is lovely here with BC so I get lulled away from things like the computer a bit.

In which our heroine once again recaps

When last we left our heroine...

Ah yes, in New Hampshire at the 'sense of place' event at Camp Glenbrook, which was lovely and a bit inspiring. That was the last time I blogged, after an embarrassing long absence from the activity. It was the first time since, if I recall correctly, that I had real time alone since May. Later that day I took a workshop with Erica Wheeler on writing and actually did the writing prompts. This is a bit miraculous as I rebel against instructions often, it's a long history but this time I thought what the hell - soak up the atmosphere. The first prompt was "what is true for me today":

I am whole, at peace with being quiet. What is true is being honest with myself and others. Honest different from truth. What I need to know about me may be different from the story of me I tell someone today, tomorrow, forever. Or not. I feel I am on a path to liking myself more, more completely than ever. It is a scary road because I have traits and behaviors that I do not love or even like but they are separate from the whole, only a muted color that I can make stand out or step back in view, this is important. I can choose what I present, I can choose to make it bigger or smaller. I can choose to accept it and move on.

After the workshop I showered, nap, sat in the glorious silence. After all of that I walked to another porch, sat on a chair and wrote in my journal. A huge day of writing for me. There a lot of interesting talks, beautiful views, and great food during this weekend. It was hard to feel inferior, or like a poser among all these folks who were steeped in their passions but I worked on my internal tapes, remembering that all of us make the colors we see in the world. On Sunday I drove all of us back to Brooklyn, unloaded a vehicle full of art, sleeping bags, and clothing. The next day I drove up to Sunny's and hung loose for the next several days.

Months of failed attempts were finally rectified by driving to Dobbs Ferry to meet an online friend in person. Since my move I have had two books to give to Jeri Riggs, a gifted quilter, someone I know from my glbt knit list. Her site (linked above) only gives you the barest sense of her quilts - in person they are beyond amazing. I am in love. In addition to quilting the woman is a mad talented knitter, if she wasn't so lovely it might be easy to hate someone who just drips with talents.

Later that day I took a long and lovely drive to check out a house share near the Ashokan Reservoir. It was not a match, we shall leave it at that, which is a bit of a bummer because having a place to set a bunch of my belongings, to return to, a room with a door, the ability to be alone once in a while, would be so nice. Sunday the 27th I traveled down to NYC again to housesit for Greg and Janet while they taught painting at Fire Island. On Wednesday I ran back up to Croton to prepare for a busy weekend.

Thursday BC (my sweetheart) flew into town. She was so excited she gave my birthday gifts in the car even though my birthday was the next day. Let me say this, BC is thoughtful, pays careful attention, and is generous. We then met the 'rents for lunch. It was a first meeting and I think it went well. She found Sunny (my mother) adorable, which luckily is a common assessment. After lunch we headed to Cape Cod to spend a lovely evening in West Harwich, staying at the Commodore, partaking of a nice dinner at The Ocean House. Friday we leisurely drove up to Wellfleet to meet up with Abby, my oldest friend. Ken, Abby's father, past away in August and a bunch of us came up to share a house for the weekend and to attend the memorial service. The weekend was fun, sad, nostalgic and romantic by turns. I cried a fair amount at the service, no surprise there. It was good to see Abby and catch up just a small bit - it's been four years since we saw each other, we hadn't had a conversation since January.

Sunday afternoon BC and I drove to Boston. We had a tourist type of blast during our short stay - wandered Fauneuil Hall and after my experience at Abercrombie & Finch I'd say I'm unlikely to shop there again, but I adore the shirt I got there. We had a delicious and romantic dinner at Ristorante Limoncello, and I introduced her to Emack and Bolio's ice cream, a place I've known about for about twenty something years but haven't been to in forever! If you are near one, run don't walk.

Monday morning, early I took BC to Logan; I then headed back to Croton to have a bite to eat and nap before Sunny and I headed into Manhattan to see Hair on Broadway. Yes, yes, I know I suck. It was fabulous. They were having a Monday night performance, a night Broadway is traditionally dark so the cast could attend the Equity March on Washington - how cool is that? I saw the original as a child and you know what, it's still great. It has been forever since I listened to the music but somewhere during act one I realized than really none of the lyrics had faded from my memory and I thought, "This is my version of Christmas carols, they are ingrained in my soul". Seeing some members of the cast crying during the moving closing numbers tugged at my heart even more. We came home tired but happy.

Okay that almost catches things up so I think I will stop right now before I bore you all to tears with my nonstop bouncing around the northeast. The next post will have photos I think, how exciting is that! Soon there may be an entry about yarn - Greg, stop yawning!

humbly reported by your modern nomad, Dharma

Honest I don't know where the time went

Life continues to be a whirlwind. Mostly in good ways, some are hard though I admit. Since I last posted I have been in Cleveland OH, Croton NY, Northampton MA, Freedom NH, Northampton MA, Croton NY, Cleveland OH, Brooklyn NY, and at this very moment in Marlborough NH.

Right at this moment I am enjoying a beautiful quiet in a tiny room, in a house that is like a rabbit warren of spaces and doors. It is so lovely I cannot begin to tell you. The likelihood that anyone will come looking for me for at least another hour is about nil. The silence is lovely. Just the clacking of my keys, the sounds of sipping my too sweet, rapidly chilling coffee. Why am I in New Hampshire again you ask. My dear friends Greg and Janet are featured artists at this event and I am serving as their driver and manager. We drove up on Thursday to hang their art and get settled before their talk on Death Valley at Antioch College over in Keene. Both events were, at least in part, the brainchild of their good friend Rowland Russell, with whom I have had the honor of breaking bread with a number of times over the years. Thursday night we retired to our rooms in Hill House (last night renamed Horse Hill House by Ash, the fabulous cook/sommelier/gardener of Glenbrook because of the carousel like horse sculpture jauntily place on the roof line this summer as a prank) and in the night solitude I decided to knit with the only noise being the clink of my metal needles every once and again.

Okay, I know, some of you are scratching your heads about my travels which have been ongoing since March. There may even be some head tilting by my mention of Cleveland. I have a tiny, teeny little secret that I have been holding back from you my dear, devoted and beloved readers. I have a sweetheart, BC (Butch Charming, as my dear friend Dru dubbed her early on, and charming, romantic, sexy and thoughtful she is!). The gods have quite the sense of humor and saw fit to find me someone wonderful in the land of Ohio. So you will continue to see references to Cleveland as time moves forward I suspect. It's okay, you can laugh, snort even. So far things are wonderful and I have been working on keeping my balance in the ways I have decided are important in order not to lose myself. My suspicion is being long distance helps and I am happy to keep it that way as we figure out the path we want to be traveling on together.

Freedom NH is the new home base for Dance New England and it was quite a busy camp with a new site, more people than ever, new programs, a new bookkeeper added to the usual crazy stew that is camp. It was perhaps the most challenging camp work wise since my first, not the way I had hoped my tenth year in the job would feel, but life is what it is, yes? The new site has it's own beauty so that I did not miss Poland Spring too much, though I longed for my old office's coziness and privacy, the wooded areas that I had pitched my tent in other years.

In Northampton I visited some dear old friends and stayed with my good friend Michele. It was so good to get closer to our old rhythm as friends after the last few bumpy years and recreate the friendship with the knowledge that we can go through a rough patch and be okay in the end.

I am enjoying the quiet in this tiny room with one window and two doors that each lead to bigger rooms, hunkered in the middle of the space of this building. In recent days anxiety has been creeping in a bit, for the first time in a long time. On one hand I try to remember that this is no longer my every day or even every week reality and attempt to greet it with grace, to look for what the discomfort is telling me. The other hand panics a bit because it is hard to notice anything except the sense of impending doom which is the color and scent of my anxiety. Through feeling it, trying to avoid it and listening to it, it seems to stems from a lack of time alone, where I know no one will come into my physical space, where I can lay about in my worst clothes, eat ice cream from the container whilst standing at the open freezer door with no fear of being stumbled upon, caught in the act of total incorrectness. To just be, unencumbered by "being on" that is required around most people. While it is relatively easy to not be particularly "on" with Greg and Janet, there is no separate room in their incredible loft, no way to shut the door literally and figuratively on interactions. When sharing the home with BC there are spaces to retreat to, and we can be quiet together (so nice!) there is still that want to be in contact more because we are new, and it is just not the same (as she knows and respects) as being completely alone for a few hours. The last time I can remember having space like that is mid May. Simply too long for this isolating extrovert to go without such time.

The other piece of this is my lack of a place to use as a home base. I am working on a place, ideally somewhere in NY, to retreat to between visits to Sunny's to work (eventually take over the bookkeeping for their business), doing office management for Greg and Janet, as well as trips (10-14 days at a time) to stay with BC. There are some leads developing but nothing is known and I suspect it's getting to me a bit. I have hopes of a cabin in the New Paltz area, so pray to your special deity that this cabin or something similar manifests soon.

Now that the summer is done, so is the bulk of my paying work, another area that is creating some stress so I will have to work on finishing the tasks associated with those positions as well as put time into my other smaller gigs, and finding new ones. It has occurred to me that I need to create a bit of schedule to my days in order to take care of the various tasks and goals on my plate, one that is flexible enough to be done regardless of where I am physically. One would think that after being self employed for a dozen years I would have this down better, but my work and life flows change so much, plus I am so loathe to rigidity and structure that I am afraid I have made it worse. Well there is always time to work on things and improve them, yes?

So this is where I've been, and what I am working on most immediately. I will work on being a better, more consistent communicator as well. I really lost track of time and had not realized it had been so long since I posted.

The first of my sins

It’s true, it might even be obvious. I am greedy.

Sometimes my greed is simply and ordinary – I want more shoes, I pour over handbags on the computer, or even more basic I want more money because while it can’t, or shouldn’t buy love, it does buy some peace of mind.

Deeper down what I yearn for, what there is never enough of, is love. It is why it’s so hard to stay single. It’s part of why I like flirting – flirting is like small droplets of love, never enough to quench one’s thirst but it is so good one can forget how unquenchable their need is for a brief moment.

Since embarking on my latest journey, a sort of quest of myself even, I have been reminded of the love of family and friends almost daily. It is like a drug, a highly addictive drug. This is not bad, I do not even think I am unusual in this greed, this insatiable need, it consumes all of us, though perhaps some of us are more cognizant of its role. Many times I have painfully aware of how it runs my operating system. This time around however I hope to use it to better myself, to stop trying to fighting my need others, that I need their love, their adoration. This time I’d like to be more aware of disbursing what I need and receive in an outward direction more gracefully, more consciously of this innate drive we all share. I want to appreciate daily the love I have in my life, to have more faith that it will not all suddenly shrivel up and retreat from me. The last few months I have received a precious gift of acknowledgment and support, and yes love of friends and family; I have received amazing reconnections with people; I have been reminded how long some dear ones have been in my life and despite long bouts of absence there is no change in our feelings, in our connection.

I have been blessed; in fact I have been for a very long time. I am grateful for my blessings as I am grateful for the difficult times – they are both tools of teaching, of self knowledge, both lead towards enlightenment. I am not aiming to be the next Buddha, or even a bodhisattva but I do think part of our role in life is to strive towards that place of graciousness, of loving non-attachment, to see the light in everyone, of becoming more peaceful and complete within ourselves. So I will use my greed in the most positive ways I can find – to gather more love in order to distribute it widely with great passion towards others, to offer support and hope, to walk the right path for me.

(Just one version/image of a dharma wheel)

Another Journey

Just got on the bus to leave the Jersey Shore and am immediately feeling sad, or something akin to sad. Melancholy might be better description. Wish I knew why. I suppose it could be one less adventure to look forward to and a sign that the summer is closing in on me. However that is not really a bad thing is it? I suppose there will be less traveling here and there, bouncing from one site to another come fall. Perhaps the downside to that is it means I need to figure out my next steps more fully, be less carefree. This is not really bad, right? Somebody tell me it’s not.

Perhaps it’s an artifact of having just been talking about my ex, her geekyness, which often brings up sadness at something that has completely been dismantled, and the hurt I feel over it. There is a lot of self examination that needs to still happen there as I would like to learn from this and not repeat things.

My friend Deb, who I was just visiting, queried me about what I have to learn from this experience. We talked about our patterns about the partners we choose. There is something about her geekyness which is similar to my father was my short answer. “Ah so you were working through that”, was her response. I reflected about my last three relationships and thought about how in some ways I had gone through all three of my parents’ various traits – good and bad, in them. Maybe I’m done? Maybe I’m ready for something different? Something a bit healthier? That would be nice. Really nice in fact. Not that everything was bad in the last three. That is certainly not the case. Okay M was and still is really crazy, but I learned a lot about myself and I did have some good fun. C was wonderful in so many ways, it’s a shame that it couldn’t last. Her geekyness, well, there was some awesomeness there and I did learn a lot through this experience. I just wish some of it didn’t have to be so damn painful. Right now I am really relishing not living with anyone, not being in constant negotiation around decisions, travel plans, and money.

There is still much work for me to do on myself and I suppose the good thing about settling down a bit more is that I can find a therapist to dig a little deeper, maybe work on changing the tapes in my head some more. Maybe find a yoga class to work on another level of peace within. And a gym, or dance classes. I suppose finding more work will be first on the list in order to pay for all this good self improvement stuff, huh? Yeah, a job. Anyone know of anything? Seriously I have a lot skills, so email me if you know of anything in NYC or something that can be done telecommuting especially. Thanks!

The latest scoop

I know, I know. It's been a long time. NCDC camp was great, well except for people gettting sick, it ending, and things like that. I returned briefly to Berkeley - like for 36 hours or something ridiculous like that as I remember, staying again with Glamour Girl. I was fortunate enough to see Jennie for dinner one last time before I left - it's hard being far away from great friends.

Landing in NY on June 30th at night, I crashed with Greg & Janet for again about 36 hours before Greg and I left for a 4 day conference in New Jersey. After that, um. Work appointment. Dinner with a dear old friend who I will probably be sharing an apartment with come September - it's amazing how the universe work. I added him to an email asking for a place to crash for a few days in NY, not expecting an answer at all. Instead I connected with someone I haven't seen in a decade, having a fabulous dinner together and a likely home base come fall!

Had a new friend come to town for a great weekend visit where we went to the Salmagundi Club for a reception and to pick up Greg's painting that had been on display there. Also we hit Barefoot Boogie which I haven't been to in FOREVER. My good pal Michael Hayes was djing which was a treat. I haven't see him in about two years so it was really good to touch base a bit. Then I headed up to Croton to see Sunny and take care of car stuff. DMV's are such a lovely place, not. Lots of go rounds because my name is not identical on all my documents. Then the Purple Beast went to the shop for lots of repairs. Apparently as I suspected she was in major trouble and actually had been dangerous to drive. So glad she didn't fall apart when Lindsay and Sunny borrowed her.

Sunday Greg and I went to Coney Island to meet up with Janet and her friend Joseph. Had a lovely, leisurely dinner right on the boardwalk watching the surf. After that we had a long walk on the boardwalk and beach back to Joseph's car. And I do mean a LONG walk, 2 miles. If I were a good blogger I would upload the night photos I took.

Then last Sunday my laptop died, well became morbidly ill and I spend all of Monday choosing, buying, and getting data transferred. Bummer in some ways (like spending a ton of money!) but this new one is lovely. This caused a delay in my trip to the Jersey shore (which is where I am as I type) one day. It's been great fun hanging with my friend Deb and her daughters who are a delight. Yesterday we spent several hours on the beach which was really nice - haven't done that in years. Today was a lovely rainy, windy day. Tomorrow I head back to NYC. Saturday I go for the weekend back to Sunny's then back to NYC on Sunday until Thursday when I fly out of town again.

During all of this I have been working on loose ends for NCDC and toiling away for DNE which starts the evening of August 14th!!! Crazy. After camp I hope to spend a few days to a week in Northampton catching up with old friends before some settling down in Manhattan and more travels I'm sure.

So that's the news for now!

Let the dance begin

Thursday afternoon I was lucky enough to get a ride with a total stranger to camp. We had a nice drive to the Sierra Nevada mountains. It is a bit mind blowing to be in Fresno at about 400 feet above sea level and the next time you see a sign you're at about 1500. In increments of about 10 minutes while driving we were quickly at 2000, 3000, and 4000. The camp itself is at about 4500.

Unfortunately I foolishly thought it would be easy breezy to use my phone to get on the internet, now that this site has cell coverage - previously no carrier had a signal up here. I should have tested things and figured it out while still in Berkeley. An ounce of forethought would have saved me 17 tons of anxiety and I would not have lost 10 hours (at least!) of solid work time. Sleep was hard to come by, tossing and turning on the air mattress I gave up and was out of bed at 4am Friday morning. It was a total disaster and I was unable to work until Friday around 2pm, campers were to begin to check in at 4:30.

The upside is that I was able to work finally, no campers really noticed there was any snafu, and by Saturday evening by 7:30pm I had caught up on work for Dance New England for a delayed deadline. Napping in the late afternoon increased my productivity and my mood. Even better is that I got some dancing in the first night, and tonight. Tonight, even better than dancing was this lovely stretching session I had on the dance floor. Being in my body, stretching, with moving bodies, excellent music surrounding me is like a form of meditation. I didn't even realize how much I had gone to another place until I was done and rising from the floor. It is amazing to feel the body respond in such a short period of time; this gives me hope that I can get back to a greater level of flexibility if I just can do this consistently.

Tonight it so much colder, the temperatures started dropping around 6:30. It's funny I just looked up the actual weather and by my east coast dance camp standards it's ridiciously warm but quite some time ago I noticed how different one temperature can feel based on so many things. Tonight I think I will be wearing a hat as well as clothes while in my sleeping bag.

In general I feel comfortable here, comfortable here as a single person - when was the last time I was at a dance camp single?? Way longer than I want to acknowledge. This camp is about half the size of my other one which makes it sweet and contained. I think it's a good way for me to reintegrate into myself to where I am now in the world. It occurred to me that I have danced in four states since being on my own - New Paltz at the Frolic, twice; Dance Friday in Boston; Club Masque in Dayton; and now at NCDC. This is so much better a life style for me!

Tonight I was talking to a friend here at camp, someone who I really clicked with last year - almost like a sister I forgot I had or a childhood friend happily rediscovered - upon telling her that I left Ohio on the spring equinox she noted that we were at the summer solstice hence I have moved through a season. What a wonderful observation and what a season it has been! It is a little mind boggling to realize I have been on this new path for 3 months, literally and figuratively. I am feeling more inside, more in touch with myself and at the same time more expansive with my interactions with other people. This is all really good, and good to remember when the moments of sadness take over, when the doubt settles in and when the unmoored feeling disorients me.

Peace out!

If it makes you happy

Then why the hell are you so sad?

That is today question. Leaving Dayton was extremely hard, not because I didn't want to be done, but because I was done. A chapter is now closed. Certain hard truths came to light that challenged me, and will continue to, in my last days there.

I have been in California since Tuesday, staying with Glamour Gal and her amazing beau. Since then I have shopped, gossiped, worked, and began to tell those hard truths. Yesterday I went to see my dear friends from graduate school since my visit fortuitously coincided with the residential conference. It has been two years since I saw them, at which time I was on the brink of moving to Ohio, and now I have left there. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it was to see Sandra, Scott, Jennifer, Priscilla, John, Steven. A total unexpected treat to catch a few minutes with Annette and Jheri. My heart is full from spending time, some brief, some in depth with these people that have touched my life deeply. In many ways it was the same sort of experience as when I was a student, in other ways not, since it seemed overall a more subdued RC. Also it was not the same as I was now single, and I was telling hard truths about me, my relationship, my vague plans for finishing my degree, all of those things that I have been sitting with the last few months.

This morning I caught CalTrans down to San Jose to see more friends, these from my time of living out here. More bitter words spilled from my lips, which were parched from telling such sadness, hurt and anger; afraid of breaking other people's hearts just a bit in the process. Mostly though it was good, fabulous even to reconnect with these people. The occasion was Zaye's fifth birthday, hard to believe he is so big, so perfect still. It was wonderful to see his mamas and reassure myself that though contact had been limited, the affection and love has not faded as I had feared. Andrea & Liz's daughter Val is amazing, such an unusual beauty. The big surprise for me was seeing Wendy; we have always connected solidly, in a mildly flirtitous way and though she is happily coupled it was still fun to do just a little of that dance together.

Glamour Gal, Amazing Beau and I drove back to Berkeley in the Saab convertible with the top down as the dusk settled in, wind whipping my hair every which way and I was taken with unbelievable sadness. Sheryl Crow played for awhile and the title lyric hit me particularly hard because I am so happy, leaving was the right choice on so many levels and yet after these two days of reverie I am incredibly sadden by the very things that have brought me here, where I am happy. The truths that have been laid bare have made me incredibly sad, challenged me, left me feeling betrayal in a manner I have never felt before, and today in the car along with blocked tears I started to feel anger. A deep heart changing anger, a knowledge that I have lost an innocence I once had, a trust that I imbued happily on everyone, a willing suspension of disbelief that can not exist inside me anymore. Perhaps that is what is making me so angry and sad right now, because juxtiposed right up against my deep hurt is the Glamour Gal and Amazing Beau being so happy, so lovingly, all the things that I had hoped for, that I had pinned a future on in my last relationship. The two times I have taken a total leap of faith in love, ignored warning signs, fell in love in that way I don't believe in, I was left in a heap, crumbled and broken. My cyncism has done nothing but grow and that feels impossibly sad to me tonight.

I am sure some of my positivism and trust in people will return, at least I hope it does, but for tonight I am angry, sad, and feeling a little lost; longing for an alone space to curl up into and sleep endlessly, to snivel to myself, and to just be in my misery until I am ready to interact with people, to retreat to again and again. I do not have that right now. The closest I will get to such a thing is in a few more days, in a tent in the Sierra Nevada foothills, in between working and socializing. It is foolish to hope that my experience last year will repeat itself because moments like that are the ephianies that keep us going, and frankly I have had a few in unusual places of late so the best I can hope for in that desert climate is some sweet interactions, satisfying work, and just a few soul opening dance experiences. I'm not greedy. Well mostly not. So if I get just one or two of those things, it will be enough. Oh, and some good sleep would be nice too.

Goodbyes

It has been a long year of saying goodbye it seems. This is not what I thought I would write about today, though it encompasses some of my recent ponderings. Just a few minutes ago I learned of another person in my overlapping circles has died. This is the second death in less than two weeks.

Last summer my cousin lost her spouse of 40 years; someone that has always been in my world even if we rarely had contact also died. Greg's father also passed last summer and just a few weeks ago I was honored to be present for his memorial at Greg's home. During camp last August three members of my Dance New England community lost a parent; coincidentally we had three very pregnant members on site which seemed like a profound and fortunate synchronicity.

Another type of passing of course, was the end of my relationship from Her Geekyness. Though I never wrote on this blog of our problems, and I still will not sully the good of that relationship here, but things had been building for at least several months before things ended in February. I have written about my journey, a bit, since that time of things I feel reside in me that form who I am (and lucky readers, there will be more of that) and the ones that cause me angst and those that bring my joy. I have been grieving, wallowing in finding me, happy, sad, and angry. I have been back in Ohio for about two weeks where all those emotions, and more, have made an appearance. Her Geekyness and I saw each other twice. The first time was awkward, not terrible and not fabulous. Mostly business was handled. A second time we went through the house to go over the belongings and what I would be taking as I had left some things back in March. The end of that visit was hard and the sadness overtook me because there was now no future date where we would see each other, this was the end in a different way.

I have been alone with my animal babies for over a week and it has been lovely but I need to say goodbye, again. Since I left Grace Ellen needed to be put down due to cancer so while she has been largely a quiet presence the last few months, the house feels different without her. Last night was my Sunday Night Knit Night and while it has been lovely to these last two weeks, it was so hard to say good bye because once again like with Her Geekyness and the babies there is not time that I know I will see these people again. Yes, yes I can and will keep in touch but it's not the same as being with the group, random snippets of conversation catching your attention, Emily succeeding in making me spit my tea last night - a feat no one has been able to get me to do in twenty years, someone offering a suggestion of using Febreze on a real hair wig to avoid shampooing too often. You had to be there.

Last weekend Dance New England lost another community member. Judit lost her bold, graceful, humor filled fight with cancer. I first met her in 2000, when I first returned to the community and we talked about her sons, about her first bout with cancer, her fiber arts. Judit was always smiling. Last year she came to camp, fighting hard, dealing with the effects of chemotherapy and her scalp gloriously gleaming. Nev henna'ed her dome and it looked like a crown befitting the goddess Judit was. I am grateful that her husband and sons have registered for camp, that they feel that we can hold them in this moment.

This morning I learned of an acquaintance's passing and tears started to flow. It wasn't just because Mike has left us, it is all the losses, all the transitions; it's about aging. I have moved past the time when grandparents die; now, not only do our parents die but our friends, people our age, people like me. While I enlivened by my life changes, my modern nomad phase, facing with all these losses, I know there are more to come who will be closer to me; my current single status sometimes feels frightening lonely. It occurs to me that I could die alone, that there will be no one who tell people I have passed, no one will know how I would want to be celebrated, or who gets my belongings. The reality is that I am probably halfway through my time here, or less because one never knows. My parents are closer to death, my friends are too as they age. I have thought of this before but I'm not sure I seriously thought that I might be alone, not that I planned to be coupled per se but at this age the reality somes down a little harder.

I do not feel morbid about this but I am sitting in the knowledge that time is finite; that things are temporary because they go away, while the presence is always there because of one's experience of them.

Tell people around you the truth, tell they about their beauty, importance. Reflect on your grace, your expansiveness in this moment. Experience the love in your heart, the love that exists in the sky, in the peacefulness that you can find chopping vegetables for dinner. Love is always there, with someone, alone, in a crowd, with your beloved. Find it and embrace it, remember it when you think it's gone.

A quiz because I am tired, lame, and busy

Your result for The Mythological Goddess Test ...

Isis

Indeed, you are 75% erudite, 88% sensual, 29% martial, and 33% saturnine.

This Egyptian supreme Goddess is certainly the most influential deity on subsequent cultures. She was the ideal figure of womanhood, usually compared with the Greek Goddess Demeter or her Roman version, Ceres.

Isis was one element of a Holy Trinity, the remaining two figures being her brother and husband Osiris and their heroic son Horus. She was the Goddess of Magic for her brilliance, as well as the Goddess of Love because of her tenacious devotion.

She is often shown with wings, curving to caress coffins and sarcophagi of many a king. In certain papyri she is shown with her falcon wing headdress, covering her ears. One of her sacred symbols is the sistrum, a musical instrument that was believed to ward off evil spirits. Isis' sistrum was carved bearing the image of a cat and was representative of the Moon.

Isis was the High Priestess and an omnipotent magician as well as the only being ever to discover the secret name of Ra. She invariably carries the ankh, the symbol for eternal life. Her name is, by the rules of numerology, adding up to the number “2” and she just so happens to be depicted on the tarot card “Key 2 – The High Priestess”.

Compared to other takers

• 40/100 You scored 75% on erudite, higher than 40% of your peers.
• 74/100 You scored 88% on sensual, higher than 74% of your peers.
• 3/100 You scored 29% on martial, higher than 3% of your peers.
• 14/100 You scored 33% on saturnine, higher than 14% of your peers.