Goodbyes

It has been a long year of saying goodbye it seems. This is not what I thought I would write about today, though it encompasses some of my recent ponderings. Just a few minutes ago I learned of another person in my overlapping circles has died. This is the second death in less than two weeks.

Last summer my cousin lost her spouse of 40 years; someone that has always been in my world even if we rarely had contact also died. Greg's father also passed last summer and just a few weeks ago I was honored to be present for his memorial at Greg's home. During camp last August three members of my Dance New England community lost a parent; coincidentally we had three very pregnant members on site which seemed like a profound and fortunate synchronicity.

Another type of passing of course, was the end of my relationship from Her Geekyness. Though I never wrote on this blog of our problems, and I still will not sully the good of that relationship here, but things had been building for at least several months before things ended in February. I have written about my journey, a bit, since that time of things I feel reside in me that form who I am (and lucky readers, there will be more of that) and the ones that cause me angst and those that bring my joy. I have been grieving, wallowing in finding me, happy, sad, and angry. I have been back in Ohio for about two weeks where all those emotions, and more, have made an appearance. Her Geekyness and I saw each other twice. The first time was awkward, not terrible and not fabulous. Mostly business was handled. A second time we went through the house to go over the belongings and what I would be taking as I had left some things back in March. The end of that visit was hard and the sadness overtook me because there was now no future date where we would see each other, this was the end in a different way.

I have been alone with my animal babies for over a week and it has been lovely but I need to say goodbye, again. Since I left Grace Ellen needed to be put down due to cancer so while she has been largely a quiet presence the last few months, the house feels different without her. Last night was my Sunday Night Knit Night and while it has been lovely to these last two weeks, it was so hard to say good bye because once again like with Her Geekyness and the babies there is not time that I know I will see these people again. Yes, yes I can and will keep in touch but it's not the same as being with the group, random snippets of conversation catching your attention, Emily succeeding in making me spit my tea last night - a feat no one has been able to get me to do in twenty years, someone offering a suggestion of using Febreze on a real hair wig to avoid shampooing too often. You had to be there.

Last weekend Dance New England lost another community member. Judit lost her bold, graceful, humor filled fight with cancer. I first met her in 2000, when I first returned to the community and we talked about her sons, about her first bout with cancer, her fiber arts. Judit was always smiling. Last year she came to camp, fighting hard, dealing with the effects of chemotherapy and her scalp gloriously gleaming. Nev henna'ed her dome and it looked like a crown befitting the goddess Judit was. I am grateful that her husband and sons have registered for camp, that they feel that we can hold them in this moment.

This morning I learned of an acquaintance's passing and tears started to flow. It wasn't just because Mike has left us, it is all the losses, all the transitions; it's about aging. I have moved past the time when grandparents die; now, not only do our parents die but our friends, people our age, people like me. While I enlivened by my life changes, my modern nomad phase, facing with all these losses, I know there are more to come who will be closer to me; my current single status sometimes feels frightening lonely. It occurs to me that I could die alone, that there will be no one who tell people I have passed, no one will know how I would want to be celebrated, or who gets my belongings. The reality is that I am probably halfway through my time here, or less because one never knows. My parents are closer to death, my friends are too as they age. I have thought of this before but I'm not sure I seriously thought that I might be alone, not that I planned to be coupled per se but at this age the reality somes down a little harder.

I do not feel morbid about this but I am sitting in the knowledge that time is finite; that things are temporary because they go away, while the presence is always there because of one's experience of them.

Tell people around you the truth, tell they about their beauty, importance. Reflect on your grace, your expansiveness in this moment. Experience the love in your heart, the love that exists in the sky, in the peacefulness that you can find chopping vegetables for dinner. Love is always there, with someone, alone, in a crowd, with your beloved. Find it and embrace it, remember it when you think it's gone.

In which our heroine changes plans, again

So as I was saying, things went long. Izaac is a wonderful human being and I cannot imagine a more respectful person when it comes to packing things so they are safe for a long (or even short ride), however he is a tad slow about it. At about 6pm it became clear that we were not going to finish loading the truck that day. We were supposed to go to Ruth’s for a last walk with the dogs and dinner. Since we had been checking in through out the day she wasn’t exactly surprised when I called to give her the less than glowing update. She quickly volunteered to keep Wyatt another night (she had had him since our Sunday late afternoon walk) and we would all do dinner Tuesday night.

TGF and I were both so tired and my feet had been screaming at me a good portion of the day. We foolishly hoped that a night without the dog would allow for some rest but alas and aleck we were oh so wrong. The air mattress was less than comfortable somehow, the living room is a much noisier room than our bedroom and Marcelle decided to play kitty hockey off and on all night. Oh and my left knee decided to wake me several times in total pain. When I woke up I was wishing for a chiropractor to put things in place, or even out – anything to make it stop hurting.

When Alex called in the morning (blessed woman that she is) to see what time she should come but we had barely any consciousness to tell her anything. Izaac also had a late starting gate time, so things started quite late, maybe 1pm? But still I had hopes and dreams of speed, there really wasn’t that much more to load. Again I thought a moment after that prediction that the goddesses were laughing at me. They were. We finally made plans to leave, I think about 6pm, to head to park to meet Ruth and the dogs. It was a short walk as we were both dead tired from the exertion and stress. Ruth cooked us a fabulous dinner of some the best fried chicken either us have even tasted. The end of our time there was very emotional, Ruth was sobbing, we were barely holding it together and Piccolo had the saddest eyes ever and hid under the table refusing us a last hug. Ruth insisted we take Piccolo’s bed so Wyatt would have something to remember her by. See? Totally emotional.

We drove home drained and trying to distract ourselves with mindless conversation. Opening the door to Casa de Cedar was not a happy site. There was far too much that had not gone into the truck. We were starting to get pissed. As previously arranged Izaac had driven the truck down the lot in Oakland since we still needed to attach the car dolly and put the Subaru on it. So there was nothing we could do but steam and gather things for the next day. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. It was Roger the Neighbor – the best neighbor ever! He was worried about us depending on cell phones so he bought us a set of walkie talkies! So sweet.

Wednesday morning found Roger, Alex, TGF and I struggling to make heads or tails out of our dilemma. Roger, the former boy scout, tied awesome knots to secure the soft pack to the roof of the Subaru. He also brought us a container of homemade brownies with Scharffenberger chocolate. Alex came up with a great idea to load the Sub with things to throw into the truck, then come back to load up the stuff that we wanted for travel. Oh, one other little bit of drama, Joia one of our cats disappeared. Yes that’s right she is not with us. I am choosing to hope that she has found a new place. Roger and Alex will keep an eye out for her. Alex offered to drive down a few times and try to catch her, to then fly her to us. I am less than confident about this happening. Truthfully I have had a feeling for quite sometime that this might happen. I am sad about our Mama Joi not being with us. Very sad. While TGF and Alex were fighting with Izaac about getting things into the truck in the quickest and safest manner I was wondering where they were, comforting the dog who was in an empty house, talking to the cats who was already in carriers in the Purple Beast, cleaning, hauling things close to the front door for easy loading, and calling for Joia in the vain hope she would come home.

Finally TGF and Alex arrived home about noon, and none of us had eaten nor had we had caffeine – not pretty. TGF ran to Mickee D’s to feed us all. Finally we were on our way down to Oakland to hook everything up. That took a very long time and I won’t go into all the details of waiting, driving to where the car dolly actually was which was not in the truck lot, or trying to find TGF when they went to find a gas station to check tires and driving in circles around West Oakland until we finally find each other and barreled on to 80 East – at almost 3 fricking o’clock! SO much later than I had wanted to leave which was more like 11 so we could reasonably hit Winnemuca NV – less than 400 miles.

Another chapter closing

Last night was my last board meeting for BirthWays. Tomorrow I go to the printers to check the blues for the final newsletter I will oversee. For the last time. I believe I officially joined the board in late spring 2003 and have overseen, often poorly, seven newsletters. I wish I had done a better job though I had some challenges which added to the disorganization.

The graphics person I inherited was challenging and I was involved in the decision to fire him. Then I located Pete, who was fabulous, through another volunteer organization (which has since gone under). He was incredibly competent and took good care of our publication, but he needed to relocate. I was distraught. After much searching, agony, and prayers I found Theresa, who is the sweetest woman I have never met. She is a hard worker, a beautiful designer, and incredibly patient with our chaotic structure.

I will try to help out with the mailing party, and I suspect I still forward emails that might be of interest to the board member from my new base in the mid-West. Several weeks ago I told TGF that I would not be joining any boards, at least for awhile. She smiled sweetly and said "the first all volunteer, drowning in work and chaos, do-gooder board that turns up will have your free hours taken before the dishes are unpacked." I am going to try to make a liar out of her. But I can't promise I'll succeed.