Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Another one bites the dust - in a good way

I just mentioned feeling a bit spent and TGF replied said I had worked hard today. Yeah, for a few hours. Doing what you might ask. I finished my second paper for Relationship and Family Interventions. Hee-freaking-haw! Really. The professor even said he would try to read it in time for finishing my course evaluation. So cool! Yeah, I still owe the second paper for Ethics but damn, I did it.

This semester has been a real season of progress for me. Throughout the "more semesters than I want to acknowledge" experience of graduate school I have struggled mightily with a deep paralysis when it came to writing papers. Some of the papers were really not hard I thought as I sat at the computer when they were done, wondering what I was so scared of, what made up my fear. Granted I haven't loved every paper I produced but I wrote and wrote and wrote. Someone wondered why I would have a blog with all that is going on in my world, but I think it helped. While it is true that I have turned a few select blog entries into assignments (obviously the less academically rigorous ones), and even turned assignments into blog postings, I think the act of writing anything at all has helped. But perhaps more importantly to inducing the change has been some of what I have written about - my work struggles, procrastination, relationships, a place to vent my frustration at my school work performance- it freed something. As I wrote on my blog's first birthday this outlet has helped me focus all areas of creativity: writing, photography, and knitting, even cooking though not as frequently.

One more paper and maybe an assignment or two and I will take a few days off. Not the way that I have done for the past 29 months (yes that's 2 years and 5 month) where I do not do schoolwork but even if I kind of give me self some kind of permission not to (like out of town guests) do work, I am constantly thinking I be should working. After a full day having fun I sit in my living room at 10:20pm calculating how if I stay up for 3 more hours I could get X amount of work done. Yeah, that's healthy. No, if all goes well starting on TGF's birthday I am officially, and without punishing thoughts, giving myself at least 5 days where the goal is to not work on school AT ALL. It is not an option. Nope, not once. Yes, it will be hard because damn I am not sure I know how not to think I ought to be doing school work. Wish me luck!


Ancrene Wiseass said...

Good for you!

I know exactly what you mean about the paper-writing issues. I think I've come to realize that my procrastination happens in part not because of the stress associated with papers themselves, but rather because of the stress associated with what the papers mean symbolically, if that makes any sense.

Dharma said...

Ancrene, I do understand. The papers, for me, will demonstrate how utterly unsuited I am for my chosen career. Or in general how unsuited I am for academic work at all. I am trying to move past those notions.

heather said...