Trying to find balance

Casa de Cedar is still grieving, all of us having a little in some moments and a great deal in others. Friday morning is when we found Saana, that night Atticus did not eat dinner. Marcelle, her sister has been very cuddly at night, snuggling into me, then TGF, then between us, touching whoever she was least close to. The other day Atticus emitted a cry that TGF says is the one he does when I am gone and he crawls the house looking for me.

At the end of our walk with Ruth (piccolo's mom) on Sunday I had to say the words out loud, tell someone who didn't know for the first time. Ruth has been very invested in these kittens as well so it really sucked to tell her. The up side is she is someone who really gets the connection one can have with an animal and absolutely knew how important Saana was to me.

Sunday night I dreamt that Saana came back and my joy was huge, my nightmare over but she wouldn't let me hold her. Doesn't take Freud to figure it out. I woke up, I guess in frustration because some part of my head knew it was a dream and thus wanted it over because the false hope was more unbearable. Or something.

On Monday I took Joia (Delta Burke of the cat world) to the vet (spending way more money than we have but not as much as their initial menu selection of tests would have cost) and had to tell them to pull Saana's file. Of course I met the tech who took care of Saana and Marcelle during their spay, the one who thought they were so cute she had to take a photo, thus my third time in two days telling of our sad story. Somehow I was able to dissociate enough at the vet office that I barely teared up.

TGF and I have been very quiet, not talking too much, for better or worse. We have both been alternatively introspective, cranky, and sad; not a good mix, not at all. Can you tell what's coming next? It is rather embarrassing to report but we argued today. The upside is that we had some good conversation afterwards about some of our patterns. Another good thing is I created an hourly 5 day week schedule for myself to add some structure in order to get some control over my life - at least I hope so.

As part of our breaking up some of the tension we splurged and went out to a real dinner out - you know a place with cloth napkins and everything! We checked out a place called Mangia Mangia, which I had checked out on Yelp (I {heart} Yelp) because we had just been talking about finding some Italian restaurants. The original conversation was about one of those little mom 'n pop places which doesn't exactly describe where we went because this was a little more upscale than we were imagining. The service was quite good, the garlic-parsley spread for the bread was spectacular - TGF asked me to figure out how to make it. It was hard to not burst out laughing, I mean really all it is in minced garlic, a tiny bit of parsley and some olive oil. "Are you sure?" was the response. Our entrees was quite tasty. The glass of wine I ordered was far from wonderful but it was decent - a Riesling from Australia, what was I thinking?

During dinner we bantered, chatted and even laughed - it felt like the first time since Friday that we had any real levity. It felt like the tide had began to shift a bit, finally. Just a bit ago I called Marcelle "Saana" by mistake and we both teared up but the moment passed. I expect I will keep thinking I see her, mistake one of the other cats motion, sniffing, or meows for her, for a very long time.