Sunday, March 11, 2007

Bleak House

It’s been one of these periods where being in my own skin irritates me. Nothing satisfies me for more than about five minutes, and then I’m done. It is as if I need to keep trying to find something to distract me but nothing lasts long, leaving me wandering for the next shiny object that I pray will hold me. Before any real enjoyment sinks in, I am bored, antsy, and uncomfortable with an urge to move on but without any idea to what.

I am annoying myself, my own company is bothersome, boring, and without any redeeming feature. So yes, that means a tiff with TGF. Over a movie. Not what movie to see, or whether to go or not. She had a craving to watch a favorite of hers, Independence Day with Will Smith. I found it trite, full of hubris and the plot easy to guess. About half way through I said as much. She, not surprisingly, took offense and said I was ruining one of her favorite movies. Being especially foul tempered I unplugged my laptop and went to leave the room rather than doing anything humane, such as apologizing and saying “I think it best if I let you enjoy it”. Again, not surprisingly, she got angry at my dramatic gesture that followed my surly tirade dissing a favorite movie. She left for a bit. I emailed an apology. She came back still pissed at me. Words were shared, none awful, but nothing resembling resolution. I quietly and without flair left the room.

Lying in the dark of the bedroom I wallowed in some tears and pined over the fact that at nearly eleven o’clock at night there was no one to call or visit with and I knew of no cafes that would be open with the right amount of busy to fade into a corner and sulk. Generally feeling sorry for myself because I don’t even want my own company right now. As stealthy as possible I glided in the living room to once again pick up my laptop so I could write this incredibly sad sack piece.

At moments like this one I balance between knowing it will all get better, my ship will right itself and fearing that I will sink to the murky bottoms where my worst self exists. I do not have nearly enough fingers and toes, even adding the furry digits of all my animals to count how many times I have felt I was going to sink forever. The only comforting thought is that it seems (though I may be deluding myself) that there are fewer of these episode as the years move forward. What I think I would like is to go alone somewhere, just for a few hours- not very long most likely- because it’s bad enough I have to experience this but to have someone witness it, try to appease the unappeasable it is just too much. However it is just as likely that I could wake up in the morning and this malaise, this heavy cloak of bitch will be gone. Or not. It is the “or not” that is a bit daunting. Trying to plan a course of action when inertia is my preferred mode right now is quite challenging because in reality there isn’t a blessed thing I want to do. I certainly hold no expectation of TGF knowing what to do for me but I really do not want to inflict another day like today on us.

If only there were an all night ice parlour, all would be right in my world.

(Most excellent 300th post, no?)


Barbara said...

Dharma, the best thing about this post is the self awareness. I have lived with people who do the same thing that you did today who never realize that is what is happening.

Everything is outside them -happening to them.

As a result they never had the opportunity to make a change - or even apologize.

D and I have have some agreements between us - we are both aware of most of our own character defects - so in rational moments we talk about them. And then we are kind with each other in those irrational times.

We have each learned the true worth of not taking the other's bad mood personally. And on the other hand - we have learned to recognise when we are in our own bad mood - and what steps to take to avoid inflicting it on each other.

When I am in a funk (lie you described) when nothing is right or fun - I know that I need to be left alone and now - so does everyone else. D still occasionally tries to find something that will please me - cause she's made that way - but will walk away when I let her know that it's just one of those days.

At times I have to point out that she is having a mood - for her it means going and taking a nap - for as long as possible. When she wakes up - it's uaually all better.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are right - this will pass.

Is there any thing that is tried and true for you - like the library or zoo or the merry go round at the park? Someplace to go by yourself to break the funk?

Sharon said...

what she said.

Dont know what brought me here today; I had added your site to my disorganized and long list of bookmarks awhile back and hadnt been here since. Just wanted to acknowledge you and your self-awareness, and your courage sharing that here. I also wanted to somehow comfort you and reinforce that this would pass.

I do think true self-comfort is underrated. We mere mortals are out there so much, giving, being, doing....mer need replenishment. I hope you gift yourself with some comfort today. Thanks for being and congratulations on your 300th post, girl.

And I forwarded the Seventh Generation link...thanks for making me aware of that too.

Hugs and warmth, Sharon

heather said...

sorry you're having a tough time. maybe it's in the air, not really slick my way either. anyway, hope you're feeling better today, and if not, you go to an ice rink. ;-)

Jbeeky said...

I like to blame daylight savings. Or Venus in retrograde. Or terrorism. I am glad that you have this blog to get it out and that we have your blog to read about it. Hope you 23 hour day is better.

Jbeeky said...

Also, in case you do not read it on my site, thanks for the shot of reality. I needed it as I get very superstitous these days.....
I adore you as well, chica!

Bitter Betty said...

Everyone is an asshole sometimes - don't be so fucking hard on yourself! Now knock it off and go kiss your wife.