Last week I was a bit ambivalent about going to group supervision since I had almost no contact with people from my case, my client being non-responsive, so I felt I did not have a lot to offer to the meeting. But I love hearing about my colleagues' cases, seeing if there is something to learn, to suggest, to chuckle over. It was a really good session including a role play.
While the hourly rate is quite good at this site, my hours are not predictable, the structure (cognitive-behavior) wears me down, and the cases we are getting referred to The Agency are getting very challenging. I long to not work but in point of fact that does not seem like a good option give the banking statements coming through the mail slot at Casa de Cedar. I have been spending time on craigslist looking for something that is part time, pays more than $8/hour, doesn't require an hour of travel, and is something I can stand to do. Not that I'm picky or anything, really I'll do almost anything. Anything that I can stand, is part time, pays decently, and ideally is within walking distance to my house. See, quite reasonable.
Believe it or not I found a couple of possibilities (okay they are not walking distance but...) and sent off resumes. Nothing. As in nada. Then today I found an internship position for one to two days a week from now through June with a rather small stipend. But it would count for hours and do something different, use other skills maybe! One teeny tiny issue is it's in Burlingame. Not exactly close, traffic hell in fact. Within hours, I get a response. Not only have they let me know they received my resume but they have reviewed it and would like me to come for an interview. So guess where I'll be at 10:00a.m. tomorrow? Yep. Burlingame.
Later I went to group supervision and felt totally disconnected, a feeling I had thought I had gotten over with The Agency. As nice as things can be, as much fun as the bar night was, I am mostly not connected to these folks. I spend very little time touching base with my clinical supervisor (aka Jewish Santa) because mostly I don't need to or with the case supervisor (The Caz), whom I really do like. Unlike some of the folks I don't need time there going over notes, nor is it on my way to and fro very much, I do not see it as a touchstone place. I had wanted to not be working in this semester but that is not possible however it seems that somewhere in my brain I had expected to leave and perhaps that is part of my outsider feeling tonight.
Sometimes I want to feel different about the place, I wish I had more in common, or had tried to determine if there are more common bonds there but I am in such a different place then many of them. Or maybe I'm not and just cannot connect with them for some other reason. Have I dismissed potential friendships for some other reason? It's not like I feel I have so many friends I have no room for more. I really do instinctively like a few of them but any attempts to build more have been lame on my part. Again, why? Maybe it's just been so long since I have had anything like coworkers that I have lost all sense about how to do that thing that moves them to being friends. My termination report is due in less than two weeks, I will go to the county meeting that day too, but I suspect a "leave of absence" is coming soon. I certainly don't want to burn any bridges as it's a good place to fall back on for work should I need it down the road. And I will really miss a few of the people a lot.
4 comments:
I think it is hard to become connected to people when you know it is only a temporary situation. And sometimes our lives do get so full that adding more friends can be almost impossible - friends must be cultivated, which takes time and effort.
Look how long we've been cultivating this online friendship!
I was basically going to say the same thing. It is difficult to connect with people that you spend very little time with and as you said, you are in a different place than them aka grownupville (you) teenagehell (them) Not to say all your coworkers are like that, but a vast majority of them are.
On the not working end of it, I wish that situation could be right now, but hopefully soon, very soon.
...or maybe you're just a bitch? *lol*
I realize this was a serious post but I can't help going for the punchline. You sound a little disconnected, but maybe it's okay not to care that much?
Good luck on the interview, even if it is in Burlingame.
Though I find that cognitive/behavioral therapy is useful for a lot of problems, it is not good for everything. They make you do c/b therapy, no matter what?
I do a lot of c/b, especially since anxiety treatment is my specialty, but I still do psychodynamic therapy, and cannot imagine not doing it.
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