Friday, April 03, 2009

Clarity, my kingdom for clarity

Okay I have no kingdom to offer but you get the drift. Her Geekyness and I are trying to negotiate the waters of no longer being a couple but are still connected, still care deeply for each other. I feel like my words are failing me which frustrates me no end. Within myself I am trying to understand how I got where I am, what it means and am trying to dig into the work on myself in an honest, real, and loving way. Everything feels a bit shallow rather than deep, a touch of playing at the edges rather than placing myself in the middle of my metaphorical pile of shit and wallowing in the positives and negatives.

I hear of other couples splitting, of still other couples hashing it out and I wonder how each happens even while I am aware that I have no idea what their relationship actually feels like so I can have no realistic notion of whether I want to emulate them. This is something I ponder a lot about myself, about whether I am missing some component, whether I have less fortitude surrounding certain discomforts of life. It is quite possible that I am in complete model with an inborn defect. However I also know that I do not enter relationships planning for the end. I enter filled with hope that we can do what's necessary to make things work. Tempting though it might be to place blame on simply oneself or solely the other person the reality is that it takes two people create whatever becomes, whether it is a love of the moment, an era, or forever; it take two people to make it a healthy growthful thing or something inhibits the stretch.

It is a hard morning. I feel awkward, out of place and time. In reality I know this moment is necessary and fleeting though it will return, just like all emotions do, I only hope that I can keep digging in the mud, nurturing it, honoring it so that one day a lotus may take root.


emilynye said...

I tried to think of something supportive and thought-provoking to say, but I can't come up with anything, which usually leads to NOT leaving a comment, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and I am here.

speculator said...

So grateful for your comment.
And now I see what you're writing- and wish you all the consolation and strength your heart will need- and still more.
Perhaps the spring will present you with signs of renewal.

Jbeeky said...

This is such rough, rough waters. I have resisted being alone my whole life, absolutely terrified of the company. I think it is amazing what you are doing. Just being is the hardest, most evolved thing to do in my opinion.

LittleWit said...

I hope you find the answers that you are seeking. *hugs