Friday, March 27, 2009

Rises and dips in the road

Where did I leave off? Oh yes. Moments before Matt came home. Up in my tiny room which I was decorating to make less drab by hanging sarongs on the windows, I heard his voice slightly boom as he greeted his son. Suddenly he was upstairs just over the threshold with his arms outstretched which then encased me a hug that was sweet, protective and incredibly imbued with love. In a slightly hushed husky tone he asked me how I was in a way that people use then they really really want to know the complete answer. It brought tears to my eyes. All the angst I had been feeling traveled down my body and out the crevices in the floor boards.

Later still he and I went to the grocery store to pick up some essentials, mostly milk which his son demanded in a not particularly whiny way.
“How’s your heart Dharma”? My reply was "slightly broken", which is how it feels. I cannot recall ever having left while the love was still so front and center, not pushed to the far corner of the room so that I could move on without the ache being so strong. Honestly I think this is the first time I have a broken heart. I do not think it is a bad thing for me to experience; it is rather reassuring to me because it means that maybe I do not have an ice core after all.

After his son and he completed a wonderful science experiment – making hydrochloric acid to but into balloons that they lit to fire up the gas – Matt and talked until about 2am. We covered all sorts of topic, including his divorce, a post-marriage relationship which he is still obsessing over just a bit, his sons, my relationship, the nomadic existence I have mapped up, and reminisced our past just a little. Did I mention we were involved a thousand years ago, actually had a city hall wedding? No? Well we did. I went up to my little room and finished Rubyfruit Jungle which I had decided to reread. Truly not her best work by any definition except for it’s boldness.

Tuesday I unloaded more of my things, set up my little travel bookcase and settled into my non-routine. Eli was home all day as he homeschools but he was pretty quiet. Matt came home in the evening and asked if I wanted to go for a walk after he brought Eli to his mom’s house. Since I hadn’t left the house all day except to grab things from the Purple Beast I thought it sounded like a fine idea. At about dusk we walked a path to the Saugerties Lighthouse which bears no resemblance to any other lighthouse I have seen. It looks like a rather stately home, made of brick with large windows. The top floor is a bed and breakfast which I think would be delightful to spend a few days in surrounded by water; watching, listening to the tides go in and out, trying to identify bird calls and breathing in the solitude. I think I will go there a few more times while I’m here.

The next day was the sunny and the most amazing quiet I have experienced in forever. No television, I listened to no music and there is no street traffic to speak of. I felt joy radiate in the silence. At the behest of friends via the internet who were horrified that I had not ventured outside the entire day I drove across the bridge into town and found the Muddy Cup where I browsed the oddly laid out books, ordered a too sweet chai and had a slice of lovely quiche. Once again Matt and I stayed up after midnight talking. It has been such a joy to gab and gab with an old dear friend where the comfort level is wide and deep.

Yesterday was a bit the same except not as sunny and my mood was sadder, feeling more uncomfortable in my skin. I suspect some of that is related to Her Geekyness deciding to cut off contact for the moment. No idea how long it will last, no idea what it means but after almost five years of regularly, almost compulsive contact I think it left me a bit adrift. Certainly having to firm plans and nowhere relatively permanent to live is also part of the unmoored feeling. I suppose that feeling we could still talk and email somewhat at will gave the illusion of something of my former life intact, a sheen of respectability. Without it my transformation to gypsyhood is complete I suppose.

Today I began to feel a little guilty, at least I think that's what the feeling is, that I am happy being unmoored even as it can leave me unsettled. Sometimes I wonder what it says about me that I am not, like many people I know, able to celebrate 15 or 20 years with a person; that the idea of regular job makes me break out in hives. As I write this I am riding the Metro North to Grand Central Station where I will hop on the subway with my over weighted back pack to see Greg and Janet (they are having an open studio tomorrow 3/28 in Brooklyn from 2-5pm, contact me if you want the address!) and hang there for a few days. After that my plans once again drop in the murky river which I hope will carry me to a happier place in my soul, will allow me find who I really need to be, how to take care of myself without losing my center to others, and earn enough money to continue on the path of evolution.


LittleWit said...

You are leading quite the adventure. Perhaps as a way to gain the money to continue your evolution you could document it and sell it as a novel. :)

Lisa said...

At this point, I wish I could wrap my arms around you and share with you. I can relate to your current state of being with such strong emotions as well. I know that telling you that each day will get easier is not want you really want to hear, but it is true. Enjoy the time with dear friends and pamper yourself when you can. Spend the time at the Lighthouse, spend time doing activities that refresh and renew your soul. I am always a call away.....

louisiana swamp rat said...

You are in my thoughts often...take care of yourself and "stay sweet" as my granny used to say.

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