There are times when deeply sitting in your being is great, but inevitably there comes times when you wish you were done, or could ignore yourself. In this freeform time of being alone a lot, of wondering where to live for the next stretch of time, of seeing friends whom I have missed greatly, there comes these emotional bumps of sadness or that lovely sense impending doom. Today I feel like I am waiting for the shoe to drop. Grieving a relationship is hard work, going over details of joy and not so joyful times hurts. There is no pretty way to say it.
Sitting inside the well of yourself wondering if something is broken inside you is a less than glorious way to pass the time. It is harder to run away from myself here. For the second time ever I am living with no television - having that black hole available gave me a reprieve, a way to forget and now I do not have it. I don't rent movies, have only watched three shows online. My escapes are reading which works as long as my brain doesn't interfere; sleep is the other with the same caveat. Except even if I sleep my subconscious can get in my way. Yesterday while napping my brain worried over a stone, rubbing it until it shone. Ultimately the dreams were about relationships that it is too late to revive, about being told no, about how sometimes wanting something isn't enough.
In a way I feel like my life has been brought full circle, a way to begin again - which at my age is gracious of the universe, and cruel. It is a gift that is lovely but it's like the post office had lost it at least six times so it wrinkled, cracked and a good deal of shine has been rubbed off the pretty paper. That is a bit of what I see in the mirror half the time, the passage of time, aging settling in at my edges. It is scary as I don't often think of myself as older but I am. I do think I am a bit wiser than 20 years ago, and I hope to keep getting smarter about myself but the mistakes, the ways I have ignored my inner and outer self some days feel very, very loud.
For today I will try to remember that each day is new opportunity, a new chance dig deeper, to sleep away worry, to connect with people, to think of something new to do with the life I have right now.