As I have posted before, my job is - um - challenging. On many levels. Let's start with the fact simply having a job with somewhat regular hours - or at least hours that I have to set and keep is a bit of a new thing for me. What? You mean I have to be somewhere at a certain time more days than not? Well that is just insane, I haven't done that for more than 2-3 weeks at a time for years now. Literally.
Then there is working with a client riddled with a double whammy of resistance. She's an adolescent - the picture of such creatures are in the dictionary under words like obstinate, monosyllabic, and noncommittal. Add to the pot that she doesn't want treatment (most of the time), and you have hella fun.
Progress notes are to be in a format mandated by the county, quantitative, third person voice and other forms of hell for this daughter of a poet. I have had to edit EVERY note I have written. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. At least once. AT. LEAST. While we talk about psychosocial education in supervision, I cannot mention that term in my notes. Schizophrenic? Ya think? I cannot begin to tell you how tired I am of using words like: facilitate(d), collaborate(d), role play(ed), model(ed).
Supervision has been such an entirely mixed bag. On one hand I do appreciate much of what J brings to the table. On the other, she is disorganized, strikes me as wishy washy (A quality I have absolutely miniscule patience for in children, so you can imagine how much I loathe it in a supervisory position). Add to the mix that she is the one constantly telling me I almost have it in terms of the notes one moment and the next telling me that same damn section needs work. EVERY. TIME.
The other day, I think, okay I'm getting a handle on this behavioral section (my intervention and response sections never need much - in fact she regularly writes how creative my interventions are - one of the things that keeps me working hard). I'm editing like mad notes from April. (Yes, April. Did I mention J runs a bit behind schedule sometimes?) Tuesday night I come home to an email from J, saying that I'm just not getting it, asking to do a two hour note writing meeting, etc. My response: FURIOUS. I am so frustrated. Why? Glad you asked.
1. Dammit I am trying so freaking hard
2. It seems that she keeps adding things for me to incorporate, of course my notes suck.
3. I really wish she had been paying more attention in the very beginning, say March! so that more of this would be second nature.
4. I am hitting my own resistance. I really don't like the format of the notes, I feel like I am making numbers up, because, well I am.
5. Mad at myself for not assimilating the material better.
6. I am totally unaccustomed to not mastering something really damn quick.
However, being the consummate professional, I return in a very short while to working on my notes (in part because I was informed that day that all of last week's were due the next day - did I mention this organization isn't the best organized?). While I stew I work until about 1:30am with still another new note to churn out before my supervision at 11am.
In the morning, after what masqueraded as sleep, I am still in an absolutely foul mood. Very upset with myself. The Girl Friend mistakenly thinks I'm mad at her. I don't know why, just because I have barely talked to her since getting that email, am walking around with an aura that broadcasts "Don't even think about speaking to me about anything because I will bite your head off for breathing hard." The good part of this is that I break down. Well, good is a relative term. I hate admitting that I am having a hard time, that my anxiety in general has been all consuming and a bit crippling but I guess it had to be said. And said it was, I assure you dear readers.
I'm sure at this point you are wondering how any of this points to the world being my Universe. Read on.
In my rant about how maybe I made a terrible decision going graduate school (and therefore accruing debt second only to the mortgage I once held), that maybe this isn't the career for me, that maybe I need to quit this job which is also doubling as (in theory only at this point) my practicum which is necessary to graduate anytime this decade, etc, etc. Believe me, I went on ad nauseum about what a f*ck up I am. Well in the middle of this self flagellation (which is nowhere are much fun as flagellating someone else who is tied to the doorway before you really have your way with them) I said, "I just wish R. would supervise me instead."
With a sniffle and stiffening of the upper lip and all that, I got myself together and went to supervision with J. Of course this actually went well. Afterwards, I called TGF leaving her a message that said, "It really went well. I feel much better. This growth stuff is such a bitch."
My day continued uneventfully until that evening. My phone rang at 8 something that night and I saw it was J. I thought perhaps she needs to reschedule our note writing marathon. No. She says, "I have good news and I have bad news." Truthfully my brain scrambled into overdrive thinking I had really messed up. "I've been fired", she says. Shock. Absolute shock. I make all the right comments, truly wondering aloud with her about the management style of the agency. "So you will be supervised by R. from now on." Oh. My. God. Didn't I just ask the Universe for that a few mere hours ago? Damn my powers are scary sometimes.
Yesterday, Thursday, is Group Supervision. I don't know who knows what has happened with J except a few people. There are several new hires. One of them, a young woman who taken a liking to but don't know at all, D. looks at me and says, "Don't we have to wait for J." I reply as blandly and unemotionally as possible, "No." D. gives me this look with a big grin and says, "What did you do to her". I try to laugh this off and say, "How'd you know?". But jeez, how did she know?
TGF has asked that I not say anything like I wish her gone. She's scared.
Just the way I like 'em.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Saturday, May 20, 2006
How Relationships Last
There was thread about coupled and making committments on an email list I'm on. People were very lovingly talking about their commitment to their beloved, their faith in the couple and even the ability to still love someone after there relationship ends. Someone wrote that the vows they would like to have would say something about staying together as long as they continue to treat each other well. While I love the sentiment, I think it is hard to always see when you stop treating someone as well as you once did. In addition it can be a struggle to acknowledge when someone stops treating you as well as they did. The shift can be subtle, discerning when the shifts changes the balance of a relationship can be hard to do. After all how do you know for sure that the nitpicking isn't from the normal discomfort of putting up with someone's bad habits rather than truly a change in how they see you? I know for me it wasn't easy to see, or acknowledge some of this in my last relationship, and I can't say the balance shifted so much as there were other factors that pushed me to end it.
Here's what I wrote: (Awful full of myself, aren't, to quote myself as if I'm so wise. Really it's laziness - I already wrote it, so I just edited a bit.)
I have been really struggling with this thread. As someone who did have a wedding ceremony, who asked special folks to sign a ketubah (jewish wedding contract) with the intent that they should help us stay together, as someone who for the longest time could not, absolutely couldn't see actually ending the relationship, or "falling out of love" in that I, of course, would always love this person, who believed even with our crap we were among the happiest couples we knew - and as the person who ended the marriage this thread is painful.
In many ways it was absolutely true, I still believe, that we were a very happy couple, but we weren't the healthiest of couple, nor was C. a particularly happy individual - which meant, to me, that there was an implicit cap on how happy we could be as a couple. It has been just over a year since I said (well conveyed very badly actually since I found it so painful to say the actual words) it was over.
I know that I felt as M. does, that of course I would always love C. And I do, but the way I do, the ability to access that feeling has changed so dramatically it scares me sometimes. In point of fact I have felt like I needed to shut down some of the connection I felt/feel for her in order to change the dynamic, in order to effectively and safely separate from her. (By safe, I mean for my emotional safety, just clarifying.)
Someone wrote about coping with illness, particularly mental illness like depression and how they would try to work with that. Well I did try, I feel like I tried so hard. C. was depressed, wouldn't look at her own issues, in my opinion. Even with medication and couples therapy it stunned me how stuck she still was and how I felt choked by it, held back, and frankly resentful. Since we split I have found and skimmed through old journals and was, well a bit blown away by entries I wrote in 1997 that would have been almost identical, had I been writing, in 2004. It helped me to see that it was something that was ongoing, that had been impacting me and the relationship for a very long time. One thing I struggled with before and for quite some time (and maybe even still) is when do you decide it's too much. I didn't have a house or kids with her so some of the more obvious things that make that sort decision murkier weren't there, but murky it sure the hell was, let me tell you. What I knew and found hard to struggle with is that I felt the most sure about her, about this relationship than any other I had ever been in. Absolutely certain. Well hell, how could I trust myself to know anything if I was wrong about this? Could I be wrong about the future possibility of our relationship, maybe I was but I made the best choice for me, and like Dale, I think for her - whether she sees it that way, who knows.
Needless to say that as much as I love The Girl Friend, as much as I am awed to find someone who I connect with in the way I feel we do, well, I am scared sh*tless sometimes because there is a piece of me that feels like I can't be trusted to make such decisions. Do I plan to stay with her? Yes. I want this to work so much. Years ago, when C. and I first got together I felt we did a really good job talking about our past relationships, admitting, confessing to our role in what went wrong, but as I told a friend the other day, compared to what The Girl Friend and I are doing now, how hard we work, what I had done before with C. - that was amateur hour.
So while I am nodding my head, laughing, sighing, etc while reading this thread, it is stirring the pot and it's not always a pleasant thing, but it gets me thinking, processing which well hard, is good. At least that's what I chose to believe.
This captures so much of where I am right now. TGF and I have been processing some very deep and hard stuff. Like children, whether to have (and if so how to go about it), what it would mean for each of us to have children. How our past shapes and seems to control our present responses to each other. How even after two years of communicating, over a year of living together there is so much that is not obvious about what we each need, and thinks the other must already know and doesn't. I will say this is the first relationship I have been in where I like the way we fight - that's saying a lot for me. We try very hard to argue fairly, to know when to take a break. This is not to say that we have it down, we don't. One really hard place for us, in my opinion, is knowing when to push past the other's silence. That's a hard one. While I am, occasionally deeply exhausted from this work, I really believe it's what will keep this relationship alive {along with healthy doses of sex, as I alluded to in another recent post :-)}.
Relationships are work, they are invigorating at the same time they are deeply draining - I think it's that dichotomy that keeps our interest and our attention. {Well that and good sex. ;-)}
Here's what I wrote: (Awful full of myself, aren't, to quote myself as if I'm so wise. Really it's laziness - I already wrote it, so I just edited a bit.)
I have been really struggling with this thread. As someone who did have a wedding ceremony, who asked special folks to sign a ketubah (jewish wedding contract) with the intent that they should help us stay together, as someone who for the longest time could not, absolutely couldn't see actually ending the relationship, or "falling out of love" in that I, of course, would always love this person, who believed even with our crap we were among the happiest couples we knew - and as the person who ended the marriage this thread is painful.
In many ways it was absolutely true, I still believe, that we were a very happy couple, but we weren't the healthiest of couple, nor was C. a particularly happy individual - which meant, to me, that there was an implicit cap on how happy we could be as a couple. It has been just over a year since I said (well conveyed very badly actually since I found it so painful to say the actual words) it was over.
I know that I felt as M. does, that of course I would always love C. And I do, but the way I do, the ability to access that feeling has changed so dramatically it scares me sometimes. In point of fact I have felt like I needed to shut down some of the connection I felt/feel for her in order to change the dynamic, in order to effectively and safely separate from her. (By safe, I mean for my emotional safety, just clarifying.)
Someone wrote about coping with illness, particularly mental illness like depression and how they would try to work with that. Well I did try, I feel like I tried so hard. C. was depressed, wouldn't look at her own issues, in my opinion. Even with medication and couples therapy it stunned me how stuck she still was and how I felt choked by it, held back, and frankly resentful. Since we split I have found and skimmed through old journals and was, well a bit blown away by entries I wrote in 1997 that would have been almost identical, had I been writing, in 2004. It helped me to see that it was something that was ongoing, that had been impacting me and the relationship for a very long time. One thing I struggled with before and for quite some time (and maybe even still) is when do you decide it's too much. I didn't have a house or kids with her so some of the more obvious things that make that sort decision murkier weren't there, but murky it sure the hell was, let me tell you. What I knew and found hard to struggle with is that I felt the most sure about her, about this relationship than any other I had ever been in. Absolutely certain. Well hell, how could I trust myself to know anything if I was wrong about this? Could I be wrong about the future possibility of our relationship, maybe I was but I made the best choice for me, and like Dale, I think for her - whether she sees it that way, who knows.
Needless to say that as much as I love The Girl Friend, as much as I am awed to find someone who I connect with in the way I feel we do, well, I am scared sh*tless sometimes because there is a piece of me that feels like I can't be trusted to make such decisions. Do I plan to stay with her? Yes. I want this to work so much. Years ago, when C. and I first got together I felt we did a really good job talking about our past relationships, admitting, confessing to our role in what went wrong, but as I told a friend the other day, compared to what The Girl Friend and I are doing now, how hard we work, what I had done before with C. - that was amateur hour.
So while I am nodding my head, laughing, sighing, etc while reading this thread, it is stirring the pot and it's not always a pleasant thing, but it gets me thinking, processing which well hard, is good. At least that's what I chose to believe.
This captures so much of where I am right now. TGF and I have been processing some very deep and hard stuff. Like children, whether to have (and if so how to go about it), what it would mean for each of us to have children. How our past shapes and seems to control our present responses to each other. How even after two years of communicating, over a year of living together there is so much that is not obvious about what we each need, and thinks the other must already know and doesn't. I will say this is the first relationship I have been in where I like the way we fight - that's saying a lot for me. We try very hard to argue fairly, to know when to take a break. This is not to say that we have it down, we don't. One really hard place for us, in my opinion, is knowing when to push past the other's silence. That's a hard one. While I am, occasionally deeply exhausted from this work, I really believe it's what will keep this relationship alive {along with healthy doses of sex, as I alluded to in another recent post :-)}.
Relationships are work, they are invigorating at the same time they are deeply draining - I think it's that dichotomy that keeps our interest and our attention. {Well that and good sex. ;-)}
Friday, May 19, 2006
How The Girl Friend Sees Me
Reason 468 that she's a keeper!
The only things this babe and I have in common is dark hair and dark eyes, and that we look good in this colour pink (not that I actually pink all that often). I am nowhere this trim and shapely, I assure you. I don't want to be accused of false advertising.
This is not good
As is, it's good I have no spare cash or else I'd blow a LOT of it here, Stop Staring
. These are the styles I love!
This site, courtesy of my dear friend Ancrene, is just bursting with dresses I would love to have.
These are but two examples of the delicious clothing that I covet, but have no where to wear.
Vintage Vixen is another lovely place to drool, the difference being that their clothing is actually vintage.
One of the great things about this site is the details they give abou the item, measurements galore.
I find the prices reasonable given everything. Of course one really needs to check the site religiously regularly since merchandise moves through with some frequency.
What, you think I've avoiding writing progress notes? Really? Huh?
I guess I can't fool you people.
. These are the styles I love!This site, courtesy of my dear friend Ancrene, is just bursting with dresses I would love to have.
These are but two examples of the delicious clothing that I covet, but have no where to wear.
Vintage Vixen is another lovely place to drool, the difference being that their clothing is actually vintage.
One of the great things about this site is the details they give abou the item, measurements galore.
I find the prices reasonable given everything. Of course one really needs to check the site
What, you think I've avoiding writing progress notes? Really? Huh?
I guess I can't fool you people.
It's about connection
Sometimes you just have an ache, a desire to make love. It's not about having sex, per se. It's not about being horny. It's not even about release of stress (oh come on, you do use sex that way too, admit it!). It is about a certain connection that happens when two people are naked in skin and in emotion that allows for a linkage that adds another layer of devotion. Some posit that since orgasms release the hormone, oxytocin, it is a chemical thing, which would mean it happens regardless of who you are with.
On some level that is true, no doubt. However, when it's with your beloved, it is so much more than a pure chemical reaction. Right now I hunger for that moment, that space in time when things suspend in that haze of chemicals, closeness, breathing in the scent of her skin. To lose time in that way that only happens when making love, and the time right after. Afterwards you're tired, hungry, unable to decide what to do next, feeling languid; trying not to let life back in just yet, holding off for as long as possible the realities that await you on the other side of the door. To soak in that stillness of togetherness that will wrap you in comfort, feed you deep in your soul.
That's what I need.
On some level that is true, no doubt. However, when it's with your beloved, it is so much more than a pure chemical reaction. Right now I hunger for that moment, that space in time when things suspend in that haze of chemicals, closeness, breathing in the scent of her skin. To lose time in that way that only happens when making love, and the time right after. Afterwards you're tired, hungry, unable to decide what to do next, feeling languid; trying not to let life back in just yet, holding off for as long as possible the realities that await you on the other side of the door. To soak in that stillness of togetherness that will wrap you in comfort, feed you deep in your soul.
That's what I need.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Regression and Progress - knitting people knitting
I am not as bold as to make progress in any other area right now.
Surprise, no longer surprise, project 1 - For TGF was finished, used all three hanks so no matching hat. It needs blocking however. Well doesn't need it but the pattern will shown up better, in my not so humble opinion.
Surprise, still a surprise project 2 - Last Saturday, over a week ago, I frogged the entire thing! No it wasn't the dropped stitch, though it would have a good reason to frog weeks ago. You know, now I can't remember what the last straw was but frogging I awent. For several inches worth of knitting I had been thinking I had made an error, oops can't really say how, but a proportional type error. So whatever finally drove me over the edge had the added benefit of being able reproportion the item, I like it much better. Today, I finally reknit all the yarn I had frogged! Now on to the rest of the skein, then blocking.
Last night while visiting Jennie, under the guise of helping her with her lovely home, I scored a bit more yarn. Yes, yes I am an addict. I am now the proud owner of a somewhat less than full skein of Plymouth Yarn "Dreambaby D.K." in colour 112 - in other words a really bright purple. Very soft yarn it is. Also a full (I think) skein of Li*n Brand "Micro Spun" in colour 148, otherwise known as turquoise. (On my screen the colours are not very accurate and much nicer in person.) Almost three full skeins of Cleckheaton "Tapestry" in colour 13, which is a lovely varigated mix of a bright burgundy, dark teal, a chestnut and more muddy brown. Much prettier than it sounds, I swear (see it here). As of Winter 2006 it is now sold under the name "Country" rather than "Tapestry". This place seems to have the colourway I am now in possession of. I had initially thought about making a beret for Sunny out of this stuff, but know I'm thinking about trying LouLou Comfort Socks. Not sure there's enough yarn though.
The other day I finally started the square for a Blanket of Love for a member of another list I'm on. Got a couple inches done, and frogged. (See a pattern here?) Decided I am not a good enough knitter to wing it with vague design I had in mind. I did commit to going with Li*n's Brand Homespun. So I grabbed a piece of paper and some cheap crayons and sketched out what I wanted to do and estimated stitch and row counts for the design. So for someone who has never done real colour work, I am going to use 4 yarns for a 10 x 10 inch square. Ambitious? That would be a generous description. I suspect insane more accurate. According to what I learned last night at Jennie's, I will be doing intarsia based on technique but not really when one finds example of such work on the web.
Since my yarn was rescued from some poor beleagued craftser (thank you Freecycle) with way too much yarn, I don't think these colours are being produced any more but...
Colour 1 - sort of a cross between Adironack and Plantation
Colour 2 - similiar to Ranch, but my colour is more varigated
Colour 3 - similiar to Pacifica
Colour 4 - close to Lemonade
Somewhere in there, I really, really want to start T'Mane's next outfit, before she gets too big to fit it!
I finally had an idea for a project for me! With yarn I already have. Bonus! I have, I think, 6 skeins of Jo Sharp Rare Kid Mohair, or something like that in Jasmine Tea colour. I want to make something like this shrug. Something like this would be great for camp in Maine. When I first saw this pattern, I told TGF if I made it in time for camp (this is before I thought about using the specific yarn) I bet I could leave camp with orders from attendees for this things, and hey that would give me some income for the fall. Yeah, I know, I'm nuts.
Like I said regression and progress. Which is which? Your call.
Surprise, no longer surprise, project 1 - For TGF was finished, used all three hanks so no matching hat. It needs blocking however. Well doesn't need it but the pattern will shown up better, in my not so humble opinion.
Surprise, still a surprise project 2 - Last Saturday, over a week ago, I frogged the entire thing! No it wasn't the dropped stitch, though it would have a good reason to frog weeks ago. You know, now I can't remember what the last straw was but frogging I awent. For several inches worth of knitting I had been thinking I had made an error, oops can't really say how, but a proportional type error. So whatever finally drove me over the edge had the added benefit of being able reproportion the item, I like it much better. Today, I finally reknit all the yarn I had frogged! Now on to the rest of the skein, then blocking.
Last night while visiting Jennie, under the guise of helping her with her lovely home, I scored a bit more yarn. Yes, yes I am an addict. I am now the proud owner of a somewhat less than full skein of Plymouth Yarn "Dreambaby D.K." in colour 112 - in other words a really bright purple. Very soft yarn it is. Also a full (I think) skein of Li*n Brand "Micro Spun" in colour 148, otherwise known as turquoise. (On my screen the colours are not very accurate and much nicer in person.) Almost three full skeins of Cleckheaton "Tapestry" in colour 13, which is a lovely varigated mix of a bright burgundy, dark teal, a chestnut and more muddy brown. Much prettier than it sounds, I swear (see it here). As of Winter 2006 it is now sold under the name "Country" rather than "Tapestry". This place seems to have the colourway I am now in possession of. I had initially thought about making a beret for Sunny out of this stuff, but know I'm thinking about trying LouLou Comfort Socks. Not sure there's enough yarn though.
The other day I finally started the square for a Blanket of Love for a member of another list I'm on. Got a couple inches done, and frogged. (See a pattern here?) Decided I am not a good enough knitter to wing it with vague design I had in mind. I did commit to going with Li*n's Brand Homespun. So I grabbed a piece of paper and some cheap crayons and sketched out what I wanted to do and estimated stitch and row counts for the design. So for someone who has never done real colour work, I am going to use 4 yarns for a 10 x 10 inch square. Ambitious? That would be a generous description. I suspect insane more accurate. According to what I learned last night at Jennie's, I will be doing intarsia based on technique but not really when one finds example of such work on the web.
Since my yarn was rescued from some poor beleagued craftser (thank you Freecycle) with way too much yarn, I don't think these colours are being produced any more but...
Colour 1 - sort of a cross between Adironack and Plantation
Colour 2 - similiar to Ranch, but my colour is more varigated
Colour 3 - similiar to Pacifica
Colour 4 - close to Lemonade
Somewhere in there, I really, really want to start T'Mane's next outfit, before she gets too big to fit it!
I finally had an idea for a project for me! With yarn I already have. Bonus! I have, I think, 6 skeins of Jo Sharp Rare Kid Mohair, or something like that in Jasmine Tea colour. I want to make something like this shrug. Something like this would be great for camp in Maine. When I first saw this pattern, I told TGF if I made it in time for camp (this is before I thought about using the specific yarn) I bet I could leave camp with orders from attendees for this things, and hey that would give me some income for the fall. Yeah, I know, I'm nuts.
Like I said regression and progress. Which is which? Your call.
Monday, May 15, 2006
I did a brave thing
Okay, for me it was a brave thing. It is part of a shift of identity, so not brave in that the sense I worked on conquering my slight fear of heights, or claustrophobia, which is a more intense fear. Nope, nothing like that.
I edited my books. More specifically I edited my collection of birth related books. As part of finally working on my office, I sat down with myself and the dozens of books, most of which had been lovingly chosen to support my work with families. After about nine years of this work, there were about a small bookcase worth, not as many as some, but a considerable portion of my collection of books. What this means is that I am growing to accept that I have expanded out of that role, that by going to graduate school, I made a committment to working with families in new ways. I cannot imagine saying I will never go to another birth, that feels so final, so so sad. Part of what has made this so hard is the last birth I attended, almost a year ago, was so hard for me. In a way it broke the last thread of patience I had for the work. This is very hard to accept, I would have liked to go out so differently. Maybe that's part of why I cannot say I won't go to another birth.
I loved the work, I really did. In working on my office, I found a journal, mostly empty, but covered the period of when I started doula work. The hope, the passion that were on those pages felt so hopeful, so naive, and so brave. I would like to think I maintained a lot of that through my career. I think I did. Mostly. I felt brave everytime. I felt scared everytime. I could swear there were many moments at births where the earth stood still just to watch. That is what I miss the most, I think. It's hard to say what about being part of this moment I will miss the most. I suspect there are lots of "mosts" for me.
The thought that I could be "broken" in my spirit is perhaps the hardest piece for me. My faith in people was messed with so much, my values not shared, my soul given each time. I wish I knew why I couldn't be fed more, in the end, by the work. It sounds funny to call it work, it was in that it was a job that paid some bills, but it was so much more than that. There are many women who find being a doula is a calling, I can't say that. I also find it hard to call it a career, a job, or work. Maybe there isn't a word that sums it up for me. I found honour in the process, in being invited (regardless of getting paid it is an invitation), in being a witness. Being a doula is one of the most invigorating and exhausting things I think one can do for work, for passion, whatever the word.
I just thought of the buddhist phrase, "right livelihood". That's closer for me, given my studies and interpretation of the buddhism. It fit but ultimately the things I saw, experienced, and struggled with, meant it no longer could fit me for where I am, on my path toward not exactly enlightment, but an ever growing sense of evolved, being at something like peace. I yearned for those moments. That incredible sense of peace, of all being right in the universe, when the world stood still during a birth. It felt, I imagine, like the high some people get from drugs. There was a birth I went to about a year ago, maybe even a year ago today, had that moment. I ran on that for days. I can still run on it, when I really embrace the memory. Maybe if I had more of those to feed my soul I could have kept doing it the work, or could have left it with more grace than I feel I have had. Maybe this post will help release some of the bitterness so that I can still draw on the moments, and there were many really, that did fed me. I hope so.
I edited my books. More specifically I edited my collection of birth related books. As part of finally working on my office, I sat down with myself and the dozens of books, most of which had been lovingly chosen to support my work with families. After about nine years of this work, there were about a small bookcase worth, not as many as some, but a considerable portion of my collection of books. What this means is that I am growing to accept that I have expanded out of that role, that by going to graduate school, I made a committment to working with families in new ways. I cannot imagine saying I will never go to another birth, that feels so final, so so sad. Part of what has made this so hard is the last birth I attended, almost a year ago, was so hard for me. In a way it broke the last thread of patience I had for the work. This is very hard to accept, I would have liked to go out so differently. Maybe that's part of why I cannot say I won't go to another birth.
I loved the work, I really did. In working on my office, I found a journal, mostly empty, but covered the period of when I started doula work. The hope, the passion that were on those pages felt so hopeful, so naive, and so brave. I would like to think I maintained a lot of that through my career. I think I did. Mostly. I felt brave everytime. I felt scared everytime. I could swear there were many moments at births where the earth stood still just to watch. That is what I miss the most, I think. It's hard to say what about being part of this moment I will miss the most. I suspect there are lots of "mosts" for me.
The thought that I could be "broken" in my spirit is perhaps the hardest piece for me. My faith in people was messed with so much, my values not shared, my soul given each time. I wish I knew why I couldn't be fed more, in the end, by the work. It sounds funny to call it work, it was in that it was a job that paid some bills, but it was so much more than that. There are many women who find being a doula is a calling, I can't say that. I also find it hard to call it a career, a job, or work. Maybe there isn't a word that sums it up for me. I found honour in the process, in being invited (regardless of getting paid it is an invitation), in being a witness. Being a doula is one of the most invigorating and exhausting things I think one can do for work, for passion, whatever the word.
I just thought of the buddhist phrase, "right livelihood". That's closer for me, given my studies and interpretation of the buddhism. It fit but ultimately the things I saw, experienced, and struggled with, meant it no longer could fit me for where I am, on my path toward not exactly enlightment, but an ever growing sense of evolved, being at something like peace. I yearned for those moments. That incredible sense of peace, of all being right in the universe, when the world stood still during a birth. It felt, I imagine, like the high some people get from drugs. There was a birth I went to about a year ago, maybe even a year ago today, had that moment. I ran on that for days. I can still run on it, when I really embrace the memory. Maybe if I had more of those to feed my soul I could have kept doing it the work, or could have left it with more grace than I feel I have had. Maybe this post will help release some of the bitterness so that I can still draw on the moments, and there were many really, that did fed me. I hope so.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
The 5 List
Wen tagged me for this eons ago. I was distracted by company, then a bad mood hung over me but now, now I'm ready.
5 Nicknames You Had/Have
1. Poochie - from my uncle. yes like pooch for dog with "e" sound at the end. I know.
2. Linny - don't ask, I won't tell
3. Tabby - after a dozen times of saying no it's not short for Tabitha, my friend Clontz and I decided to tell people it was short for Tabernacle, though she added middle name of Aristotle
4. Sammy Jo
5. Dharma
5 Sweet Treats You like to Eat
1. ice cream - always, even in january in nyc when I had no heat - true story!
2. blackberries
3. milky way chocolate bar
4. cookies, many kinds
5. mango with sweet rice - just had this last week - YUMMY!
5 Things People Would Be Surprised You Have
1. sawsall
2. Moroccan dagger
3. a mild fear of heights
4. a penchant for bacon
5. a background in photography
5 Fabulous Celebrations
1. 30th birthday
2. my wedding to my now ex
3. our houseblessing
4. our chanukah candle lighting
5.
5 Things You'd Like to Have
1. my masters degree
2. my MFT license
3. a larger house
4. more trips home
5. a savings account
5 Cool Presents You've Received
1. tickets to the entire performance of Twyla Tharp (in the early 80's)
2. my mother
3. my "this isn't the real one and when I buy that one this will be a 'just because ring" engagement ring
4. certains friends are definitely gifts
5. The Girl Friend - a gift that is cool, amazing, scary, inspiring and whole lot more adjectives
5 Things You've Collected
1. baseball cards
2. representation of cat (ceramic, clay, wood, etc)
3. teapots
4. cookbooks
5. shoes
5 Books You've Read in the Past 5 Years
1. Memoirs of a Geisha
2. The Probable Future
3. Odd Thomas
4. Ramona, Helen Hunt Jackson
5. Lucky You, Carl Hiaasen - one of my favorite authors though this is not his best work
5 Slang Terms You Use Regularly
1. Geez Louise
2. Zowie
3. Cripes
4. Blimey
5. Dammit All To Hell
A multitude of 5 people you tag for this meme.
That's hard as most of the folks who actually read my blog have already done this one. {pout, poor me, no one reads me}
Ancrene
Patti
Diane
GayProf (poor guy a newbie to my blog. Oh well, no mercy)
Brenna
5 Nicknames You Had/Have
1. Poochie - from my uncle. yes like pooch for dog with "e" sound at the end. I know.
2. Linny - don't ask, I won't tell
3. Tabby - after a dozen times of saying no it's not short for Tabitha, my friend Clontz and I decided to tell people it was short for Tabernacle, though she added middle name of Aristotle
4. Sammy Jo
5. Dharma
5 Sweet Treats You like to Eat
1. ice cream - always, even in january in nyc when I had no heat - true story!
2. blackberries
3. milky way chocolate bar
4. cookies, many kinds
5. mango with sweet rice - just had this last week - YUMMY!
5 Things People Would Be Surprised You Have
1. sawsall
2. Moroccan dagger
3. a mild fear of heights
4. a penchant for bacon
5. a background in photography
5 Fabulous Celebrations
1. 30th birthday
2. my wedding to my now ex
3. our houseblessing
4. our chanukah candle lighting
5.
5 Things You'd Like to Have
1. my masters degree
2. my MFT license
3. a larger house
4. more trips home
5. a savings account
5 Cool Presents You've Received
1. tickets to the entire performance of Twyla Tharp (in the early 80's)
2. my mother
3. my "this isn't the real one and when I buy that one this will be a 'just because ring" engagement ring
4. certains friends are definitely gifts
5. The Girl Friend - a gift that is cool, amazing, scary, inspiring and whole lot more adjectives
5 Things You've Collected
1. baseball cards
2. representation of cat (ceramic, clay, wood, etc)
3. teapots
4. cookbooks
5. shoes
5 Books You've Read in the Past 5 Years
1. Memoirs of a Geisha
2. The Probable Future
3. Odd Thomas
4. Ramona, Helen Hunt Jackson
5. Lucky You, Carl Hiaasen - one of my favorite authors though this is not his best work
5 Slang Terms You Use Regularly
1. Geez Louise
2. Zowie
3. Cripes
4. Blimey
5. Dammit All To Hell
A multitude of 5 people you tag for this meme.
That's hard as most of the folks who actually read my blog have already done this one. {pout, poor me, no one reads me}
Ancrene
Patti
Diane
GayProf (poor guy a newbie to my blog. Oh well, no mercy)
Brenna
Did I ever mention how much I hate commercials
No? Huh, curious since it a subject that erupts from my body at least once a day (yes, I confess to a terrible tv addiction). In truth, even the shows I love to watch frequently cause me to foam at the mouth. Take last night's episode of Law & Order: SVU, or as Twisty refers to it "Law & Order: Multilated Women Unit", they quoteth "1 in 5 children are approached online by predators". I may have the phrasing off but the number is identical. I immediately pipe up, Where do they get these numbers? What do they mean by approached? What definitions are they using".
Yes, folks it is truly a joy to watch the tube with me. You know, I almost wrote "boob tube" and then thought, Boob? As in the appendages that droop (I am getting older, droop is inevitable) from my chest? Boob as in idiot? What is the connection there? Why is that connection there? Geez.
But the commercials. Remember when a commercial sprouted my conspiracy theory? There's a commercial for something, I can't remember what because I really don't register the product or brand well, about "mom" having something for herself. It's something really important, like a candy bar designed for women or some other such nonsense. It infuriates me every single time. A commerical on the radio lists all the things "she" picks up for everything one else, but finally buys herself a "little something just for her". I think it's debit card commercial. As if only after taking care of everyone else, doing things for them that they can do themselves, like hubby picking up his own damned dry cleaning (yes this is an actual example) she has "earned" a little treat for herself.
However, the Burg*r K*ng commercial has me seething so hard I can't see straight, so I am linking a very good post on the subject, which I found via my dear buddy Ancrene - thanks hon!. Not surprisingly Shakespeare's Sister also has a very pithy response to this ad.
Yes, folks it is truly a joy to watch the tube with me. You know, I almost wrote "boob tube" and then thought, Boob? As in the appendages that droop (I am getting older, droop is inevitable) from my chest? Boob as in idiot? What is the connection there? Why is that connection there? Geez.
But the commercials. Remember when a commercial sprouted my conspiracy theory? There's a commercial for something, I can't remember what because I really don't register the product or brand well, about "mom" having something for herself. It's something really important, like a candy bar designed for women or some other such nonsense. It infuriates me every single time. A commerical on the radio lists all the things "she" picks up for everything one else, but finally buys herself a "little something just for her". I think it's debit card commercial. As if only after taking care of everyone else, doing things for them that they can do themselves, like hubby picking up his own damned dry cleaning (yes this is an actual example) she has "earned" a little treat for herself.
However, the Burg*r K*ng commercial has me seething so hard I can't see straight, so I am linking a very good post on the subject, which I found via my dear buddy Ancrene - thanks hon!. Not surprisingly Shakespeare's Sister also has a very pithy response to this ad.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Surprise Project Update, Yes this means knitting talk
Well the surprise for TGF is no longer a surprise. About two weeks ago she was asking, oh so gently and sweetly, if the next scarf I make her could be a bit thicker and longer. I just had to show her that I already knew, as lovely as the first scarf is, it's more of an accent piece than a protect from the winds off the bay piece.
Here is a shot of the first scarf, lovely soft alpaca in a beautiful colour (colour board 3, Heather Violet) that I never can capture on the camera, damn it!
So I whipped out secret project number one and she.....LOVED IT. Yeah!
Now I have delved into the third hank and it is looking a bit more like this...
It's been much easier to make serious progress on the scarf now that I don't have to knit in secret. Here is a fuzzy shot, for purposes of comparison of size of the two scarves. Note, that the lovely, soft, delicate scarf is 100% alpaca and has been blocked (though not as well as I had hoped). The one on the needles, obviously is not blocked, 100% wool, though not superwash, so hand laundering will be necessary. I am hoping there will be enough yarn left when it has reacher her desired length to make a hat. I would love to be all fancy schmancy and incorporate the Waterfall stitch into the hat. Thinking 3-4 rows of 2x2 ribbing, then about 2-3 repeats of the 6 row pattern and some sort of decreasing thingy.
I am still working on Secret Project #2. In addition I really am itching to start T'Mane's outfit. An acquaintance on another list just lost her partner of 26 years (can you imagine!) and a group of us are making blanket squares. I am seriously fond of this person and since she was so sweet to reach out to me during the heat of Sunny/Cancer/Chemo Hat fiasco, I am determined to do this. I am thinking of using Li*n's Brand Homesp*n since I remember her having a soft spot for this mass produced acrylic yarn and I have some in my stash. However it is considerably more bulky than the advised weight for this project. Sigh. I'll think of something.
On another list, a member is losing her hair due to her chemo treatments so I am contempleting a hat for her as well. I think I know what yarn I want to use, I just need to decide on a pattern. Hm, maybe I don't know what yarn I want to use. Somehow I think I could get more whimsical in my choices with her, but I don't know that my skills are good enough for such things. This one is intriguing to me. This is possible. This one is beautiful but perhaps to eyelet-ish.
Oh, actually I have a third secret project in mind! Yes, my fingers will be busy for weeks and weeks!
Here is a shot of the first scarf, lovely soft alpaca in a beautiful colour (colour board 3, Heather Violet) that I never can capture on the camera, damn it!So I whipped out secret project number one and she.....LOVED IT. Yeah!
I bought this yarn (scroll down, I think it's 8886 - deep dark purple) before she left town and when she left I search for the right pattern until my eyes were bleeding from examining websites. This one looked promising and I did a swatch. Lovely pattern but not right for this yarn. Frogged away.
In my searchings for a pattern I found this stitch and loved it. It’s a very easy pattern to memorize.
Now I have delved into the third hank and it is looking a bit more like this...
It's been much easier to make serious progress on the scarf now that I don't have to knit in secret. Here is a fuzzy shot, for purposes of comparison of size of the two scarves. Note, that the lovely, soft, delicate scarf is 100% alpaca and has been blocked (though not as well as I had hoped). The one on the needles, obviously is not blocked, 100% wool, though not superwash, so hand laundering will be necessary. I am hoping there will be enough yarn left when it has reacher her desired length to make a hat. I would love to be all fancy schmancy and incorporate the Waterfall stitch into the hat. Thinking 3-4 rows of 2x2 ribbing, then about 2-3 repeats of the 6 row pattern and some sort of decreasing thingy.
I am still working on Secret Project #2. In addition I really am itching to start T'Mane's outfit. An acquaintance on another list just lost her partner of 26 years (can you imagine!) and a group of us are making blanket squares. I am seriously fond of this person and since she was so sweet to reach out to me during the heat of Sunny/Cancer/Chemo Hat fiasco, I am determined to do this. I am thinking of using Li*n's Brand Homesp*n since I remember her having a soft spot for this mass produced acrylic yarn and I have some in my stash. However it is considerably more bulky than the advised weight for this project. Sigh. I'll think of something.
On another list, a member is losing her hair due to her chemo treatments so I am contempleting a hat for her as well. I think I know what yarn I want to use, I just need to decide on a pattern. Hm, maybe I don't know what yarn I want to use. Somehow I think I could get more whimsical in my choices with her, but I don't know that my skills are good enough for such things. This one is intriguing to me. This is possible. This one is beautiful but perhaps to eyelet-ish.
Oh, actually I have a third secret project in mind! Yes, my fingers will be busy for weeks and weeks!
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Another Vote
For an election I'm not ready to have.
The Lev family left this morning, a very bittersweet event. Considering we have never met in person before I am still stunned at how well we all got along. Even with the limitation of one bathroom for four adults and two kids, we found a rhythm to sharing space. So while we are enjoying the quiet that normally is found here, there is also a hollowness that feels just a bit lonely.
The boys are some of the most amazing and wonderful children I have ever met (still waiting for permission to post photos of these lovely creatures) and I am deeply attached. It seems odd that I have no idea when we will meet up again. So many times I wished I had written more (okay, at all) during their visit to capture the delicious moments and the amazing comments from the kids.
Ari left one of her books, and had wanted to leave the other, but it was mistakenly taken during her presentation last Saturday. I am eager to read the Transgender book, not that I am projecting a lot of future clients in this area, but you never know. The parenting guide is exciting because there are a number of blurbs written by folks I know in person and from online- so it's a unique opportunity to glean something more about them. She was kind enough to inscribe the book, however there in lies the election issue. "For Dharma & The Girl Friend: Thank you so much for your warm home and kind spirits. I look foward to knowing you as your family expands + you have no room to house ours." Sigh.
There is a part of me that believes all parents want their friends to have children and join them on the roller coaster ride of parenthood, so I always take these statements with a large grain of salt. I do have a reasonable amount of faith in my friends to believe that my friends/good acquaintances wouldn't make such statements if they felt I would suck at being someone's mother. I have gone on my own rollercoaster around this decision. Over a year ago came to as close as I had been able, to resolving my ambivalance, and deciding against children. Then TGF landed in my lap, as it were. She would do it in a heartbeat. If she could, I'd be knocked up already. I will say that I greatly enjoy her concentrated efforts in this arena, even though we know her finger and dildoes will never spurt sperm.
Timing of life, of body clocks, and resistance to doing what I consider heroic efforts to achieve pregnancy make for a limited span of the calendar in which to reconsider such earthshaking matters. If TGF and I had met earlier and could have several years of alone time before becoming parents, maybe it would be easier to decide. But if we had met much earlier than we did, we probably wouldn't have been ready for the intensity of our relationship and huge life changes we made to be together. The reality is my hormones and eggs would probably laugh themselves silly if I were to inform them of plans involving insemination. I'm sure the day I started taking my temperature again (I remember a time when I thought I would do that forever since I started long before I tried to conceive and continued for at least 8 more months during which I had no intention of trying but couldn't break the pattern for fear of, I have no idea what exactly) my cycle would tarantella all over the damn calendar.
Here I am, just two years into a relationship, after ending a 12 year relationship, still knee deep in graduate school hell, heavier than I want to be -even pregnant, a house full of fur babies that fill my heart to overflowing, and hormones poised on the edge of the precipice of perimenopause. It's funny, I don't have the same ambivalance that paralyzed me and made other shake with fear that wrapped around me for five years. This time it's different. Don't get me wrong, it is ambivalance, it just isn't so paralyzing. Right now.
The Lev family left this morning, a very bittersweet event. Considering we have never met in person before I am still stunned at how well we all got along. Even with the limitation of one bathroom for four adults and two kids, we found a rhythm to sharing space. So while we are enjoying the quiet that normally is found here, there is also a hollowness that feels just a bit lonely.
The boys are some of the most amazing and wonderful children I have ever met (still waiting for permission to post photos of these lovely creatures) and I am deeply attached. It seems odd that I have no idea when we will meet up again. So many times I wished I had written more (okay, at all) during their visit to capture the delicious moments and the amazing comments from the kids.
Ari left one of her books, and had wanted to leave the other, but it was mistakenly taken during her presentation last Saturday. I am eager to read the Transgender book, not that I am projecting a lot of future clients in this area, but you never know. The parenting guide is exciting because there are a number of blurbs written by folks I know in person and from online- so it's a unique opportunity to glean something more about them. She was kind enough to inscribe the book, however there in lies the election issue. "For Dharma & The Girl Friend: Thank you so much for your warm home and kind spirits. I look foward to knowing you as your family expands + you have no room to house ours." Sigh.
There is a part of me that believes all parents want their friends to have children and join them on the roller coaster ride of parenthood, so I always take these statements with a large grain of salt. I do have a reasonable amount of faith in my friends to believe that my friends/good acquaintances wouldn't make such statements if they felt I would suck at being someone's mother. I have gone on my own rollercoaster around this decision. Over a year ago came to as close as I had been able, to resolving my ambivalance, and deciding against children. Then TGF landed in my lap, as it were. She would do it in a heartbeat. If she could, I'd be knocked up already. I will say that I greatly enjoy her concentrated efforts in this arena, even though we know her finger and dildoes will never spurt sperm.
Timing of life, of body clocks, and resistance to doing what I consider heroic efforts to achieve pregnancy make for a limited span of the calendar in which to reconsider such earthshaking matters. If TGF and I had met earlier and could have several years of alone time before becoming parents, maybe it would be easier to decide. But if we had met much earlier than we did, we probably wouldn't have been ready for the intensity of our relationship and huge life changes we made to be together. The reality is my hormones and eggs would probably laugh themselves silly if I were to inform them of plans involving insemination. I'm sure the day I started taking my temperature again (I remember a time when I thought I would do that forever since I started long before I tried to conceive and continued for at least 8 more months during which I had no intention of trying but couldn't break the pattern for fear of, I have no idea what exactly) my cycle would tarantella all over the damn calendar.
Here I am, just two years into a relationship, after ending a 12 year relationship, still knee deep in graduate school hell, heavier than I want to be -even pregnant, a house full of fur babies that fill my heart to overflowing, and hormones poised on the edge of the precipice of perimenopause. It's funny, I don't have the same ambivalance that paralyzed me and made other shake with fear that wrapped around me for five years. This time it's different. Don't get me wrong, it is ambivalance, it just isn't so paralyzing. Right now.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Moments with the kids
Ari and Sundance's children are amazing. Way too much fun, sweet, bright and creative.
Just now. We are letting them watch Scooby Doo the Movie and Shai is reading the stuff on the screen to Elie, like "Two Years Later". He then explains how Shaggy and Scooby are the only ones that are still together after the group broke up. So sweet.
Elie and Wyatt are best buddies, with Elie having to say goodbye to him everytime he leaves the house, and hugging him good night before going off to bed.
Shai and I are always talking food. What other 10 year old do you know that talks about aged parmesan? As Ari says, he hasn't ordered off the kids' menu since he was four years old. I believe it!
Elie just gave me a drawing of me with Basilisk (from Harry Potter).
Atticus, aka Stitch, has Elie confused whether to cuddle or stay far away. Elie has renamed him "Liger" - a cross between a tiger and a lion. Too funny!
We are really going to miss them when they leave, but I think Wyatt will be the saddest of all of us.
Just now. We are letting them watch Scooby Doo the Movie and Shai is reading the stuff on the screen to Elie, like "Two Years Later". He then explains how Shaggy and Scooby are the only ones that are still together after the group broke up. So sweet.
Elie and Wyatt are best buddies, with Elie having to say goodbye to him everytime he leaves the house, and hugging him good night before going off to bed.
Shai and I are always talking food. What other 10 year old do you know that talks about aged parmesan? As Ari says, he hasn't ordered off the kids' menu since he was four years old. I believe it!
Elie just gave me a drawing of me with Basilisk (from Harry Potter).
Atticus, aka Stitch, has Elie confused whether to cuddle or stay far away. Elie has renamed him "Liger" - a cross between a tiger and a lion. Too funny!
We are really going to miss them when they leave, but I think Wyatt will be the saddest of all of us.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Quick Check in
I know I haven’t been writing much. Life has been totally crazy. I’m not sure how it happened but there it is.
Luckily my supervisor continues to be trainable. Work is still hard and Cara pushes me in a direction I’d rather not venture into but that’s the nature of the best.
We have been in the midst of preparing for the arrival of the Lev Family, more details to follow.
Just wanted y’all to know that I hadn’t completely disappeared.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)