The horoscope hits home

As I believe I have mentioned before, I adore Rob Brezsny's horoscopes. Per Sunny's suggestion eons ago I always read my sun sign and my rising sign's forecast, especially his. Many times in recent months it has seemed like he was writing just for me. While my sun sign hit home and was meaningful, this week's meditation for my rising resonated deep and hard.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It might be tempting to turn your home into a
womb-like sanctuary and explore the mysteries of doing absolutely
nothing while clad in your pajamas. And frankly, this might be a good idea.
After the risks you've taken to reach out to the other side, after the
bridges you've built in the midst of the storms, after the skirmishes
you've fought in the Gossip Wars, you have every right to retreat and get
your homebody persona humming at a higher vibration. So I say: Be
meticulously leisurely as you celebrate the deep pleasures of self-care.

The last several months, since deciding to and actually leaving Dayton have been a hard and exhilarating journey, there have been moments of deep grief, of knowing people were sitting in judgment, sure that people were writing their own version of what they perceived to be the truth no matter how far from my reality their story was, and I practiced deeply at letting go other people's stories about me. Every so often it comes up again, as it did a few weeks ago but this time I had a harder being a good Buddhist about it, wanting to contact the person to call them on their behavior, to chastise them for stirring the pot, for speaking out of turn. In the end I did none of those things but I did sit in my stew, rant about the ability of people to make trouble, and eventually I let it go.

As the sun fades less of the day is lit, the temperatures start to gently drop, the urge to hibernate, to hole up has begun to blossom in me. Yet I am still largely roaming and have no place that is home, not full time. The struggle to find a rhythm with no outside structure becomes bigger as time creeps on and the urge to contemplate my own navel becomes a stronger pull. My self care needs to include a schedule, a set of goals, perhaps even daily (other than getting out of bed) seems a way to lick my wounds and do more inner work; it really should be no surprise to me but yet it catches me off guard that I still feel hurt and angry about my last relationship. Though my wild ideas of foreign travel seem further away, it does not mean I need to forgo gathering my forces to challenge myself in other ways, so training for a potential hiking adventure will be part of the nurturing I give myself. As to contemplating the mysteries of doing nothing, I think I excel at that too well with no further enlightenment, so in order to work the idea of nothingness in a new fashion I purchased Yoga Journal's special issue, Yoga for Beginners in a fit of inspiration, or desperation, hard to know which in this case.

Regardless of where I lay my head, I can work on cultivating my inner cozy home. The addition of the fabulous Life is Good socks and pullover BC got will definitely help and are portable to boot.

NaBloPoMo - Year Four

Yes, I am going to try for it again this year. If I remember correctly I did this for the first time in 2006, and again in '07 & '08, so this will be year four. The first year I also Lacevember which apparently is no more. That November I blogged every day, finished my first lace knitting project and kicked butt in my school work.



In 2007 I tried to also do NaKniSweMo but failed at the knitting piece (I finished said sweater February 2009). Given that last November I was working the hell job, my relationship was breaking apart, it's amazing that I blogged every day.

This year will be interesting for new reasons in that I am still roaming a bit, but a tad less than my usual this coming month, and the next actually. Well I suppose that depends on how one counts things. Right now I am with BC, flying back to NY area on Thursday. Not sure of my schedule between then and the next time I drive back out here. Some time in Croton, some in Brooklyn, and I would love to go to Western Massachusetts to see friends, before being back with BC for Thanksgiving. In the beginning of December my current plan is to visit Abby and Michael in Yuma AZ, with a trip to Joshua Tree National Forest for a weekend. So there will be some bouncing during this time of meeting this writing goal. Should be doable, don't ya think? Lie to me if you need to people. Seriously.

My "Family" Weekend

Last Thursday I flew to see BC since my hardy but aging Indy (aka my vehicle) needed a new transmission. We had a lovely reunion just the two of us before her daughter came home on Friday after school. In fact I had a very quiet day because BC worked at the office for a change so I was able to get grounded here before a packed weekend. Many Fridays are movie night for them and this time we got Chinese take out and watched Bolt, which I had never seen. For your reference it's okay, nothing great but cute for kids. After the movie we all went upstairs and read in our bed, wearing our jammies with the small one in the middle - it was very sweet.

Saturday morning her daughter and I were on our own since BC was out doing her long run (she is training for a marathon) and I made pancakes for breakfast, keeping some warm for BC as I knew she'd be hungry when she returned. Later a friend came by and we took the girls to the Cleveland Zoo despite the less than stellar weather because that day was the last for the special dinosaur exhibition and the small one is All.About.Dinosaurs. For dinner we made individual pizzas and the girls played until it was time for bed.

In the morning the small one begged off horseback riding lessons, something she rarely does because horses and dinosaurs run about neck and neck in importance in her universe, so she could hang with her friend some more. While BC ran out for eggs (we had planned on a quick cereal breakfast before heading out to the stables), I started the bacon. After breakfast the girls tormented us sweetly pretending to be moving rocks, ghosts, and other undefined beings, which we then tickled until they ran from the room only to return sans blankets to ask what all the noise was about. After her friend went home we went to Patterson's Fruit Farm to indulge in apple fritters and to bring home apples and a pumpkin. It was a perfect fall day, foliage alight everywhere, families bustling around the farm, smells from the bakery drifting in tempting waves.

That evening after dinner we all took a soak in the hot tub, talking, giggling and generally having way too much fun. At one point we were all cuddled up together, under a dark sky with a few stars twinkling, steam forming where the hot water met the cool air and it all felt simple. After the small one went to bed I felt so tired and reflected on how lovely and surreal the weekend felt - in many ways this is one version of life that I had envisioned for myself, and had given up on yet here it was being dangled in front of me as if to ask me one more time, "are you sure?". The answer is no, I'm not sure, I was never really positive I didn't want to be a parent, it was more that I felt I couldn't be, that I don't really have what it takes. It doesn't mean I don't still want it, it doesn't mean I have finished mourning roads not taken, it doesn't mean that sometimes that physical ache of what never grew inside me is gone forever. I certainly never planned or thought about getting involved with a parent; that I am now does not make me a parent but it closer than I've been in a very long time and now the ache has changed - in some ways it is stronger, in some ways that void is being filled just the smallest bit but with no promise of what the future holds for this fragile seedling of something that could be family, my family.

Trying to Catch Up

The days following where I left off were rather plain and ordinary. Shocking I know but not every day involves travel, love, and Broadway. That Thursday I went to a clinic to get a breast exam in order to be "in the system" for a free mammogram. So exciting I can hardly tell you. Good thing I brought my knitting since there was a whole lot of waiting around. Speaking of which I still have not heard back from them regarding said mammogram, another thing to add to my to do list, call the clinic.

Friday I picked up Janet from the Metro North station so we could head to New Paltz for some festivities. On the way up we stopped at DIA:Beacon, a museum Ms. Morgan wanted to check out. It was the least juicy art either of us had seen, perhaps ever. We resumed our travels to arrive at Matt's new abode in the center of New Paltz where we had a bit of an impromptu party with the addition of some of his pals. Greg could not resist his new addiction and I looked up several Eddie Izzard videos on YouTube to fed his habit.

The next day, later than Greg wanted due to his enthusiasm, we headed outside of town to Joe and Steph's lovely home where our SCA household (House Ostrov) was holding the annual Feast in the Woods. As the afternoon slid into early evening people changed into garb, the fire was maintained in a roaring fashion, mead and food were consumed, and conversation flowed until close to midnight. Janet, aka Otgon the Bemused, took and posted photos.

Sunday morning Greg, Janet, Kelly and I went for about a 4.5 mile hike - my first one in easily 15 years! There was some scrambling up rocks and such to reach Bonticou Crag Summit.
Proof I was up there compliments of Janet.

There were lots of lovely views and I got an excellent chance to use my new camera (courtesy of BC).

<- A view from the top.

Looking back at the path on the way back to the house.

Hungry from our excursion we snacked quickly on leftovers from the feast and loaded up the car to return to the city. Unfortunately a trip that should have taken two hours was turned into a four hour exercise in patience due to traffic.

Tuesday night I cooked dinner using ingredients from Joe's garden: large chili peppers (which I stuffed), kale sauteed with garlic. Plus I introduced Janet and Greg to the magic of spaghetti squash tossed with butter, salt, pepper, and Parmesan cheese. Later we watched Tank Girl which I had, amazingly, never seen. Seeing it I finally figure out where Greg got his constant refrain: Is that wrong?

I stayed with them until Thursday morning when I drove back to Croton, planning on a big weekend; however I woke feeling a bit crummy and mostly staying in bed on Saturday. Sunday morning I woke determined to continue my plans, heading up to Rhinebeck for the infamous Sheep and Wool Festival, the mecca for us yarn heads. It was so so wonderful even though the weather was not fabulous, the yarns were. Great fun was had, cute animals (including ringed tail lemurs!) were seen, and lots of yarn was procured. From there I headed to New Paltz for Matt's housewarming party where I met up with Greg. We stayed long enough to go through a few variations of "variations" of the party; great fun seeing the ebb and flow of a social gathering. Joe also came; later the three of us headed back to his house to crash for the night. In the morning Greg and I drove over to Mohonk Mountain House and did an easy hike of about 3 miles with gorgeous views. Unfortunately I did not have my camera so I have no lovely vistas to share with you. Greg and I returned to the house to pack up and I drove him down to the Metro North station near my folks' place.

My plan had been to drive to BC's house but the car (Indy, short for Indigo, formerly referred to as the Purple Beast. Now that she is mine outright I renamed her since the ex had christened her PB.) had been acting up a bit so I decided it was wise to take her in before a long drive. Ha! We will just say that I would up flying and will owe the folks a great deal of money for fronting the price of a new transmission.

So that gets us to last Thursday. I will attempt to write again soon but life is lovely here with BC so I get lulled away from things like the computer a bit.

In which our heroine once again recaps

When last we left our heroine...

Ah yes, in New Hampshire at the 'sense of place' event at Camp Glenbrook, which was lovely and a bit inspiring. That was the last time I blogged, after an embarrassing long absence from the activity. It was the first time since, if I recall correctly, that I had real time alone since May. Later that day I took a workshop with Erica Wheeler on writing and actually did the writing prompts. This is a bit miraculous as I rebel against instructions often, it's a long history but this time I thought what the hell - soak up the atmosphere. The first prompt was "what is true for me today":

I am whole, at peace with being quiet. What is true is being honest with myself and others. Honest different from truth. What I need to know about me may be different from the story of me I tell someone today, tomorrow, forever. Or not. I feel I am on a path to liking myself more, more completely than ever. It is a scary road because I have traits and behaviors that I do not love or even like but they are separate from the whole, only a muted color that I can make stand out or step back in view, this is important. I can choose what I present, I can choose to make it bigger or smaller. I can choose to accept it and move on.

After the workshop I showered, nap, sat in the glorious silence. After all of that I walked to another porch, sat on a chair and wrote in my journal. A huge day of writing for me. There a lot of interesting talks, beautiful views, and great food during this weekend. It was hard to feel inferior, or like a poser among all these folks who were steeped in their passions but I worked on my internal tapes, remembering that all of us make the colors we see in the world. On Sunday I drove all of us back to Brooklyn, unloaded a vehicle full of art, sleeping bags, and clothing. The next day I drove up to Sunny's and hung loose for the next several days.

Months of failed attempts were finally rectified by driving to Dobbs Ferry to meet an online friend in person. Since my move I have had two books to give to Jeri Riggs, a gifted quilter, someone I know from my glbt knit list. Her site (linked above) only gives you the barest sense of her quilts - in person they are beyond amazing. I am in love. In addition to quilting the woman is a mad talented knitter, if she wasn't so lovely it might be easy to hate someone who just drips with talents.

Later that day I took a long and lovely drive to check out a house share near the Ashokan Reservoir. It was not a match, we shall leave it at that, which is a bit of a bummer because having a place to set a bunch of my belongings, to return to, a room with a door, the ability to be alone once in a while, would be so nice. Sunday the 27th I traveled down to NYC again to housesit for Greg and Janet while they taught painting at Fire Island. On Wednesday I ran back up to Croton to prepare for a busy weekend.

Thursday BC (my sweetheart) flew into town. She was so excited she gave my birthday gifts in the car even though my birthday was the next day. Let me say this, BC is thoughtful, pays careful attention, and is generous. We then met the 'rents for lunch. It was a first meeting and I think it went well. She found Sunny (my mother) adorable, which luckily is a common assessment. After lunch we headed to Cape Cod to spend a lovely evening in West Harwich, staying at the Commodore, partaking of a nice dinner at The Ocean House. Friday we leisurely drove up to Wellfleet to meet up with Abby, my oldest friend. Ken, Abby's father, past away in August and a bunch of us came up to share a house for the weekend and to attend the memorial service. The weekend was fun, sad, nostalgic and romantic by turns. I cried a fair amount at the service, no surprise there. It was good to see Abby and catch up just a small bit - it's been four years since we saw each other, we hadn't had a conversation since January.

Sunday afternoon BC and I drove to Boston. We had a tourist type of blast during our short stay - wandered Fauneuil Hall and after my experience at Abercrombie & Finch I'd say I'm unlikely to shop there again, but I adore the shirt I got there. We had a delicious and romantic dinner at Ristorante Limoncello, and I introduced her to Emack and Bolio's ice cream, a place I've known about for about twenty something years but haven't been to in forever! If you are near one, run don't walk.

Monday morning, early I took BC to Logan; I then headed back to Croton to have a bite to eat and nap before Sunny and I headed into Manhattan to see Hair on Broadway. Yes, yes, I know I suck. It was fabulous. They were having a Monday night performance, a night Broadway is traditionally dark so the cast could attend the Equity March on Washington - how cool is that? I saw the original as a child and you know what, it's still great. It has been forever since I listened to the music but somewhere during act one I realized than really none of the lyrics had faded from my memory and I thought, "This is my version of Christmas carols, they are ingrained in my soul". Seeing some members of the cast crying during the moving closing numbers tugged at my heart even more. We came home tired but happy.

Okay that almost catches things up so I think I will stop right now before I bore you all to tears with my nonstop bouncing around the northeast. The next post will have photos I think, how exciting is that! Soon there may be an entry about yarn - Greg, stop yawning!

humbly reported by your modern nomad, Dharma

Honest I don't know where the time went

Life continues to be a whirlwind. Mostly in good ways, some are hard though I admit. Since I last posted I have been in Cleveland OH, Croton NY, Northampton MA, Freedom NH, Northampton MA, Croton NY, Cleveland OH, Brooklyn NY, and at this very moment in Marlborough NH.

Right at this moment I am enjoying a beautiful quiet in a tiny room, in a house that is like a rabbit warren of spaces and doors. It is so lovely I cannot begin to tell you. The likelihood that anyone will come looking for me for at least another hour is about nil. The silence is lovely. Just the clacking of my keys, the sounds of sipping my too sweet, rapidly chilling coffee. Why am I in New Hampshire again you ask. My dear friends Greg and Janet are featured artists at this event and I am serving as their driver and manager. We drove up on Thursday to hang their art and get settled before their talk on Death Valley at Antioch College over in Keene. Both events were, at least in part, the brainchild of their good friend Rowland Russell, with whom I have had the honor of breaking bread with a number of times over the years. Thursday night we retired to our rooms in Hill House (last night renamed Horse Hill House by Ash, the fabulous cook/sommelier/gardener of Glenbrook because of the carousel like horse sculpture jauntily place on the roof line this summer as a prank) and in the night solitude I decided to knit with the only noise being the clink of my metal needles every once and again.

Okay, I know, some of you are scratching your heads about my travels which have been ongoing since March. There may even be some head tilting by my mention of Cleveland. I have a tiny, teeny little secret that I have been holding back from you my dear, devoted and beloved readers. I have a sweetheart, BC (Butch Charming, as my dear friend Dru dubbed her early on, and charming, romantic, sexy and thoughtful she is!). The gods have quite the sense of humor and saw fit to find me someone wonderful in the land of Ohio. So you will continue to see references to Cleveland as time moves forward I suspect. It's okay, you can laugh, snort even. So far things are wonderful and I have been working on keeping my balance in the ways I have decided are important in order not to lose myself. My suspicion is being long distance helps and I am happy to keep it that way as we figure out the path we want to be traveling on together.

Freedom NH is the new home base for Dance New England and it was quite a busy camp with a new site, more people than ever, new programs, a new bookkeeper added to the usual crazy stew that is camp. It was perhaps the most challenging camp work wise since my first, not the way I had hoped my tenth year in the job would feel, but life is what it is, yes? The new site has it's own beauty so that I did not miss Poland Spring too much, though I longed for my old office's coziness and privacy, the wooded areas that I had pitched my tent in other years.

In Northampton I visited some dear old friends and stayed with my good friend Michele. It was so good to get closer to our old rhythm as friends after the last few bumpy years and recreate the friendship with the knowledge that we can go through a rough patch and be okay in the end.

I am enjoying the quiet in this tiny room with one window and two doors that each lead to bigger rooms, hunkered in the middle of the space of this building. In recent days anxiety has been creeping in a bit, for the first time in a long time. On one hand I try to remember that this is no longer my every day or even every week reality and attempt to greet it with grace, to look for what the discomfort is telling me. The other hand panics a bit because it is hard to notice anything except the sense of impending doom which is the color and scent of my anxiety. Through feeling it, trying to avoid it and listening to it, it seems to stems from a lack of time alone, where I know no one will come into my physical space, where I can lay about in my worst clothes, eat ice cream from the container whilst standing at the open freezer door with no fear of being stumbled upon, caught in the act of total incorrectness. To just be, unencumbered by "being on" that is required around most people. While it is relatively easy to not be particularly "on" with Greg and Janet, there is no separate room in their incredible loft, no way to shut the door literally and figuratively on interactions. When sharing the home with BC there are spaces to retreat to, and we can be quiet together (so nice!) there is still that want to be in contact more because we are new, and it is just not the same (as she knows and respects) as being completely alone for a few hours. The last time I can remember having space like that is mid May. Simply too long for this isolating extrovert to go without such time.

The other piece of this is my lack of a place to use as a home base. I am working on a place, ideally somewhere in NY, to retreat to between visits to Sunny's to work (eventually take over the bookkeeping for their business), doing office management for Greg and Janet, as well as trips (10-14 days at a time) to stay with BC. There are some leads developing but nothing is known and I suspect it's getting to me a bit. I have hopes of a cabin in the New Paltz area, so pray to your special deity that this cabin or something similar manifests soon.

Now that the summer is done, so is the bulk of my paying work, another area that is creating some stress so I will have to work on finishing the tasks associated with those positions as well as put time into my other smaller gigs, and finding new ones. It has occurred to me that I need to create a bit of schedule to my days in order to take care of the various tasks and goals on my plate, one that is flexible enough to be done regardless of where I am physically. One would think that after being self employed for a dozen years I would have this down better, but my work and life flows change so much, plus I am so loathe to rigidity and structure that I am afraid I have made it worse. Well there is always time to work on things and improve them, yes?

So this is where I've been, and what I am working on most immediately. I will work on being a better, more consistent communicator as well. I really lost track of time and had not realized it had been so long since I posted.

The first of my sins

It’s true, it might even be obvious. I am greedy.

Sometimes my greed is simply and ordinary – I want more shoes, I pour over handbags on the computer, or even more basic I want more money because while it can’t, or shouldn’t buy love, it does buy some peace of mind.

Deeper down what I yearn for, what there is never enough of, is love. It is why it’s so hard to stay single. It’s part of why I like flirting – flirting is like small droplets of love, never enough to quench one’s thirst but it is so good one can forget how unquenchable their need is for a brief moment.

Since embarking on my latest journey, a sort of quest of myself even, I have been reminded of the love of family and friends almost daily. It is like a drug, a highly addictive drug. This is not bad, I do not even think I am unusual in this greed, this insatiable need, it consumes all of us, though perhaps some of us are more cognizant of its role. Many times I have painfully aware of how it runs my operating system. This time around however I hope to use it to better myself, to stop trying to fighting my need others, that I need their love, their adoration. This time I’d like to be more aware of disbursing what I need and receive in an outward direction more gracefully, more consciously of this innate drive we all share. I want to appreciate daily the love I have in my life, to have more faith that it will not all suddenly shrivel up and retreat from me. The last few months I have received a precious gift of acknowledgment and support, and yes love of friends and family; I have received amazing reconnections with people; I have been reminded how long some dear ones have been in my life and despite long bouts of absence there is no change in our feelings, in our connection.

I have been blessed; in fact I have been for a very long time. I am grateful for my blessings as I am grateful for the difficult times – they are both tools of teaching, of self knowledge, both lead towards enlightenment. I am not aiming to be the next Buddha, or even a bodhisattva but I do think part of our role in life is to strive towards that place of graciousness, of loving non-attachment, to see the light in everyone, of becoming more peaceful and complete within ourselves. So I will use my greed in the most positive ways I can find – to gather more love in order to distribute it widely with great passion towards others, to offer support and hope, to walk the right path for me.

(Just one version/image of a dharma wheel)

Another Journey

Just got on the bus to leave the Jersey Shore and am immediately feeling sad, or something akin to sad. Melancholy might be better description. Wish I knew why. I suppose it could be one less adventure to look forward to and a sign that the summer is closing in on me. However that is not really a bad thing is it? I suppose there will be less traveling here and there, bouncing from one site to another come fall. Perhaps the downside to that is it means I need to figure out my next steps more fully, be less carefree. This is not really bad, right? Somebody tell me it’s not.

Perhaps it’s an artifact of having just been talking about my ex, her geekyness, which often brings up sadness at something that has completely been dismantled, and the hurt I feel over it. There is a lot of self examination that needs to still happen there as I would like to learn from this and not repeat things.

My friend Deb, who I was just visiting, queried me about what I have to learn from this experience. We talked about our patterns about the partners we choose. There is something about her geekyness which is similar to my father was my short answer. “Ah so you were working through that”, was her response. I reflected about my last three relationships and thought about how in some ways I had gone through all three of my parents’ various traits – good and bad, in them. Maybe I’m done? Maybe I’m ready for something different? Something a bit healthier? That would be nice. Really nice in fact. Not that everything was bad in the last three. That is certainly not the case. Okay M was and still is really crazy, but I learned a lot about myself and I did have some good fun. C was wonderful in so many ways, it’s a shame that it couldn’t last. Her geekyness, well, there was some awesomeness there and I did learn a lot through this experience. I just wish some of it didn’t have to be so damn painful. Right now I am really relishing not living with anyone, not being in constant negotiation around decisions, travel plans, and money.

There is still much work for me to do on myself and I suppose the good thing about settling down a bit more is that I can find a therapist to dig a little deeper, maybe work on changing the tapes in my head some more. Maybe find a yoga class to work on another level of peace within. And a gym, or dance classes. I suppose finding more work will be first on the list in order to pay for all this good self improvement stuff, huh? Yeah, a job. Anyone know of anything? Seriously I have a lot skills, so email me if you know of anything in NYC or something that can be done telecommuting especially. Thanks!

The latest scoop

I know, I know. It's been a long time. NCDC camp was great, well except for people gettting sick, it ending, and things like that. I returned briefly to Berkeley - like for 36 hours or something ridiculous like that as I remember, staying again with Glamour Girl. I was fortunate enough to see Jennie for dinner one last time before I left - it's hard being far away from great friends.

Landing in NY on June 30th at night, I crashed with Greg & Janet for again about 36 hours before Greg and I left for a 4 day conference in New Jersey. After that, um. Work appointment. Dinner with a dear old friend who I will probably be sharing an apartment with come September - it's amazing how the universe work. I added him to an email asking for a place to crash for a few days in NY, not expecting an answer at all. Instead I connected with someone I haven't seen in a decade, having a fabulous dinner together and a likely home base come fall!

Had a new friend come to town for a great weekend visit where we went to the Salmagundi Club for a reception and to pick up Greg's painting that had been on display there. Also we hit Barefoot Boogie which I haven't been to in FOREVER. My good pal Michael Hayes was djing which was a treat. I haven't see him in about two years so it was really good to touch base a bit. Then I headed up to Croton to see Sunny and take care of car stuff. DMV's are such a lovely place, not. Lots of go rounds because my name is not identical on all my documents. Then the Purple Beast went to the shop for lots of repairs. Apparently as I suspected she was in major trouble and actually had been dangerous to drive. So glad she didn't fall apart when Lindsay and Sunny borrowed her.

Sunday Greg and I went to Coney Island to meet up with Janet and her friend Joseph. Had a lovely, leisurely dinner right on the boardwalk watching the surf. After that we had a long walk on the boardwalk and beach back to Joseph's car. And I do mean a LONG walk, 2 miles. If I were a good blogger I would upload the night photos I took.

Then last Sunday my laptop died, well became morbidly ill and I spend all of Monday choosing, buying, and getting data transferred. Bummer in some ways (like spending a ton of money!) but this new one is lovely. This caused a delay in my trip to the Jersey shore (which is where I am as I type) one day. It's been great fun hanging with my friend Deb and her daughters who are a delight. Yesterday we spent several hours on the beach which was really nice - haven't done that in years. Today was a lovely rainy, windy day. Tomorrow I head back to NYC. Saturday I go for the weekend back to Sunny's then back to NYC on Sunday until Thursday when I fly out of town again.

During all of this I have been working on loose ends for NCDC and toiling away for DNE which starts the evening of August 14th!!! Crazy. After camp I hope to spend a few days to a week in Northampton catching up with old friends before some settling down in Manhattan and more travels I'm sure.

So that's the news for now!

Let the dance begin

Thursday afternoon I was lucky enough to get a ride with a total stranger to camp. We had a nice drive to the Sierra Nevada mountains. It is a bit mind blowing to be in Fresno at about 400 feet above sea level and the next time you see a sign you're at about 1500. In increments of about 10 minutes while driving we were quickly at 2000, 3000, and 4000. The camp itself is at about 4500.

Unfortunately I foolishly thought it would be easy breezy to use my phone to get on the internet, now that this site has cell coverage - previously no carrier had a signal up here. I should have tested things and figured it out while still in Berkeley. An ounce of forethought would have saved me 17 tons of anxiety and I would not have lost 10 hours (at least!) of solid work time. Sleep was hard to come by, tossing and turning on the air mattress I gave up and was out of bed at 4am Friday morning. It was a total disaster and I was unable to work until Friday around 2pm, campers were to begin to check in at 4:30.

The upside is that I was able to work finally, no campers really noticed there was any snafu, and by Saturday evening by 7:30pm I had caught up on work for Dance New England for a delayed deadline. Napping in the late afternoon increased my productivity and my mood. Even better is that I got some dancing in the first night, and tonight. Tonight, even better than dancing was this lovely stretching session I had on the dance floor. Being in my body, stretching, with moving bodies, excellent music surrounding me is like a form of meditation. I didn't even realize how much I had gone to another place until I was done and rising from the floor. It is amazing to feel the body respond in such a short period of time; this gives me hope that I can get back to a greater level of flexibility if I just can do this consistently.

Tonight it so much colder, the temperatures started dropping around 6:30. It's funny I just looked up the actual weather and by my east coast dance camp standards it's ridiciously warm but quite some time ago I noticed how different one temperature can feel based on so many things. Tonight I think I will be wearing a hat as well as clothes while in my sleeping bag.

In general I feel comfortable here, comfortable here as a single person - when was the last time I was at a dance camp single?? Way longer than I want to acknowledge. This camp is about half the size of my other one which makes it sweet and contained. I think it's a good way for me to reintegrate into myself to where I am now in the world. It occurred to me that I have danced in four states since being on my own - New Paltz at the Frolic, twice; Dance Friday in Boston; Club Masque in Dayton; and now at NCDC. This is so much better a life style for me!

Tonight I was talking to a friend here at camp, someone who I really clicked with last year - almost like a sister I forgot I had or a childhood friend happily rediscovered - upon telling her that I left Ohio on the spring equinox she noted that we were at the summer solstice hence I have moved through a season. What a wonderful observation and what a season it has been! It is a little mind boggling to realize I have been on this new path for 3 months, literally and figuratively. I am feeling more inside, more in touch with myself and at the same time more expansive with my interactions with other people. This is all really good, and good to remember when the moments of sadness take over, when the doubt settles in and when the unmoored feeling disorients me.

Peace out!

If it makes you happy

Then why the hell are you so sad?

That is today question. Leaving Dayton was extremely hard, not because I didn't want to be done, but because I was done. A chapter is now closed. Certain hard truths came to light that challenged me, and will continue to, in my last days there.

I have been in California since Tuesday, staying with Glamour Gal and her amazing beau. Since then I have shopped, gossiped, worked, and began to tell those hard truths. Yesterday I went to see my dear friends from graduate school since my visit fortuitously coincided with the residential conference. It has been two years since I saw them, at which time I was on the brink of moving to Ohio, and now I have left there. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it was to see Sandra, Scott, Jennifer, Priscilla, John, Steven. A total unexpected treat to catch a few minutes with Annette and Jheri. My heart is full from spending time, some brief, some in depth with these people that have touched my life deeply. In many ways it was the same sort of experience as when I was a student, in other ways not, since it seemed overall a more subdued RC. Also it was not the same as I was now single, and I was telling hard truths about me, my relationship, my vague plans for finishing my degree, all of those things that I have been sitting with the last few months.

This morning I caught CalTrans down to San Jose to see more friends, these from my time of living out here. More bitter words spilled from my lips, which were parched from telling such sadness, hurt and anger; afraid of breaking other people's hearts just a bit in the process. Mostly though it was good, fabulous even to reconnect with these people. The occasion was Zaye's fifth birthday, hard to believe he is so big, so perfect still. It was wonderful to see his mamas and reassure myself that though contact had been limited, the affection and love has not faded as I had feared. Andrea & Liz's daughter Val is amazing, such an unusual beauty. The big surprise for me was seeing Wendy; we have always connected solidly, in a mildly flirtitous way and though she is happily coupled it was still fun to do just a little of that dance together.

Glamour Gal, Amazing Beau and I drove back to Berkeley in the Saab convertible with the top down as the dusk settled in, wind whipping my hair every which way and I was taken with unbelievable sadness. Sheryl Crow played for awhile and the title lyric hit me particularly hard because I am so happy, leaving was the right choice on so many levels and yet after these two days of reverie I am incredibly sadden by the very things that have brought me here, where I am happy. The truths that have been laid bare have made me incredibly sad, challenged me, left me feeling betrayal in a manner I have never felt before, and today in the car along with blocked tears I started to feel anger. A deep heart changing anger, a knowledge that I have lost an innocence I once had, a trust that I imbued happily on everyone, a willing suspension of disbelief that can not exist inside me anymore. Perhaps that is what is making me so angry and sad right now, because juxtiposed right up against my deep hurt is the Glamour Gal and Amazing Beau being so happy, so lovingly, all the things that I had hoped for, that I had pinned a future on in my last relationship. The two times I have taken a total leap of faith in love, ignored warning signs, fell in love in that way I don't believe in, I was left in a heap, crumbled and broken. My cyncism has done nothing but grow and that feels impossibly sad to me tonight.

I am sure some of my positivism and trust in people will return, at least I hope it does, but for tonight I am angry, sad, and feeling a little lost; longing for an alone space to curl up into and sleep endlessly, to snivel to myself, and to just be in my misery until I am ready to interact with people, to retreat to again and again. I do not have that right now. The closest I will get to such a thing is in a few more days, in a tent in the Sierra Nevada foothills, in between working and socializing. It is foolish to hope that my experience last year will repeat itself because moments like that are the ephianies that keep us going, and frankly I have had a few in unusual places of late so the best I can hope for in that desert climate is some sweet interactions, satisfying work, and just a few soul opening dance experiences. I'm not greedy. Well mostly not. So if I get just one or two of those things, it will be enough. Oh, and some good sleep would be nice too.

Goodbyes

It has been a long year of saying goodbye it seems. This is not what I thought I would write about today, though it encompasses some of my recent ponderings. Just a few minutes ago I learned of another person in my overlapping circles has died. This is the second death in less than two weeks.

Last summer my cousin lost her spouse of 40 years; someone that has always been in my world even if we rarely had contact also died. Greg's father also passed last summer and just a few weeks ago I was honored to be present for his memorial at Greg's home. During camp last August three members of my Dance New England community lost a parent; coincidentally we had three very pregnant members on site which seemed like a profound and fortunate synchronicity.

Another type of passing of course, was the end of my relationship from Her Geekyness. Though I never wrote on this blog of our problems, and I still will not sully the good of that relationship here, but things had been building for at least several months before things ended in February. I have written about my journey, a bit, since that time of things I feel reside in me that form who I am (and lucky readers, there will be more of that) and the ones that cause me angst and those that bring my joy. I have been grieving, wallowing in finding me, happy, sad, and angry. I have been back in Ohio for about two weeks where all those emotions, and more, have made an appearance. Her Geekyness and I saw each other twice. The first time was awkward, not terrible and not fabulous. Mostly business was handled. A second time we went through the house to go over the belongings and what I would be taking as I had left some things back in March. The end of that visit was hard and the sadness overtook me because there was now no future date where we would see each other, this was the end in a different way.

I have been alone with my animal babies for over a week and it has been lovely but I need to say goodbye, again. Since I left Grace Ellen needed to be put down due to cancer so while she has been largely a quiet presence the last few months, the house feels different without her. Last night was my Sunday Night Knit Night and while it has been lovely to these last two weeks, it was so hard to say good bye because once again like with Her Geekyness and the babies there is not time that I know I will see these people again. Yes, yes I can and will keep in touch but it's not the same as being with the group, random snippets of conversation catching your attention, Emily succeeding in making me spit my tea last night - a feat no one has been able to get me to do in twenty years, someone offering a suggestion of using Febreze on a real hair wig to avoid shampooing too often. You had to be there.

Last weekend Dance New England lost another community member. Judit lost her bold, graceful, humor filled fight with cancer. I first met her in 2000, when I first returned to the community and we talked about her sons, about her first bout with cancer, her fiber arts. Judit was always smiling. Last year she came to camp, fighting hard, dealing with the effects of chemotherapy and her scalp gloriously gleaming. Nev henna'ed her dome and it looked like a crown befitting the goddess Judit was. I am grateful that her husband and sons have registered for camp, that they feel that we can hold them in this moment.

This morning I learned of an acquaintance's passing and tears started to flow. It wasn't just because Mike has left us, it is all the losses, all the transitions; it's about aging. I have moved past the time when grandparents die; now, not only do our parents die but our friends, people our age, people like me. While I enlivened by my life changes, my modern nomad phase, facing with all these losses, I know there are more to come who will be closer to me; my current single status sometimes feels frightening lonely. It occurs to me that I could die alone, that there will be no one who tell people I have passed, no one will know how I would want to be celebrated, or who gets my belongings. The reality is that I am probably halfway through my time here, or less because one never knows. My parents are closer to death, my friends are too as they age. I have thought of this before but I'm not sure I seriously thought that I might be alone, not that I planned to be coupled per se but at this age the reality somes down a little harder.

I do not feel morbid about this but I am sitting in the knowledge that time is finite; that things are temporary because they go away, while the presence is always there because of one's experience of them.

Tell people around you the truth, tell they about their beauty, importance. Reflect on your grace, your expansiveness in this moment. Experience the love in your heart, the love that exists in the sky, in the peacefulness that you can find chopping vegetables for dinner. Love is always there, with someone, alone, in a crowd, with your beloved. Find it and embrace it, remember it when you think it's gone.

A quiz because I am tired, lame, and busy

Your result for The Mythological Goddess Test ...

Isis

Indeed, you are 75% erudite, 88% sensual, 29% martial, and 33% saturnine.

This Egyptian supreme Goddess is certainly the most influential deity on subsequent cultures. She was the ideal figure of womanhood, usually compared with the Greek Goddess Demeter or her Roman version, Ceres.

Isis was one element of a Holy Trinity, the remaining two figures being her brother and husband Osiris and their heroic son Horus. She was the Goddess of Magic for her brilliance, as well as the Goddess of Love because of her tenacious devotion.

She is often shown with wings, curving to caress coffins and sarcophagi of many a king. In certain papyri she is shown with her falcon wing headdress, covering her ears. One of her sacred symbols is the sistrum, a musical instrument that was believed to ward off evil spirits. Isis' sistrum was carved bearing the image of a cat and was representative of the Moon.

Isis was the High Priestess and an omnipotent magician as well as the only being ever to discover the secret name of Ra. She invariably carries the ankh, the symbol for eternal life. Her name is, by the rules of numerology, adding up to the number “2” and she just so happens to be depicted on the tarot card “Key 2 – The High Priestess”.

Compared to other takers

• 40/100 You scored 75% on erudite, higher than 40% of your peers.
• 74/100 You scored 88% on sensual, higher than 74% of your peers.
• 3/100 You scored 29% on martial, higher than 3% of your peers.
• 14/100 You scored 33% on saturnine, higher than 14% of your peers.

Where I've been!

March 21 Sat Landed at Sunny's. Croton on Hudson
March 23 Mon Got to Matt's Saugerties
March 28 I was at Greg's in Brooklyn for a couple of days. Was able to attend their open studio and helped prep for it.
April 1 or 2 Back to Sunny's then Matt's.

April 4 Sat went to Freestyle Frolic http://freestylefrolic.org/
April 7 Brooklyn for a few days - Seder with internet friends on the 8th, Seder with my family on the 9th -first time since at least 2001.
April 10 Back in Saugerties and another Seder, with Matt's family, who I haven't seen since his wedding in 1990!
April 17 Dinner with Greg in New Paltz
April 18 Freestyle Frolic
April 23 Go to Brooklyn
April 24 Concert in the Village (Hassan Hakmoun opening act was wonderful! Tinariwen main show - if you get the chance you MUST see them live!)
April 26 Back to Sunny's
April 27 Go with Sunny and Lindsay to hospital for a procedure for Lindsay
April 28 Head to Manhattan early to meet some friends
April 29 to Brooklyn
April 30 to Croton/Sunny

May 1st Eye doctor, lots of paper business, back to Brooklyn
May 2nd Memorial for Greg's dad.
May 3rd Back to Sunny - dentist and chiropractor
May 4 Back to Saugerties.

Next up:
May 12 Drive to Sunny's with all my stuff from Saugerties.
May 13 Brooklyn to housesit for Greg & Janet
May 15 Get to New Paltz and go with Hrana and Dave to Boston (Dance Friday - like the Frolic)
May 16 Drive to New Hampshire to check out the new camp site for August.
May 16/17 get back New Paltz and then Brooklyn.
May 19 see Sarah and Catalina
May 22 fly to Ohio
May 24 go to a wedding in Dayton
May 29 start taking care of my furry babies
June 9 fly to California to see folks before camp
June 19-28 NCDC camp
June 30 fly back to Brooklyn
July 2-5 Go to a kink event in New Jersey
Start housesitting in Brooklyn for the month
Sometime go to Jersey shore to visit my fabulous friend.
August 13 go to New Hampshire for DNE

After that? No idea!

So that my dear readers is part of why I have been silent. My brain has been quite noisy and I have lots of ideas for posts. Hopefully the noisy will come out my fingers soon and even more hopefully when it does, it will be entertaining, interesting or an otherwise positive experience for my readers who I thank for sticking by me and being patient.

To Dharma: Rescue Me. From Dharma

I wish I knew how to fly, how to let my feelings fly around my head, appreciate their dips and soaring abilities; it would be amazing to just enjoy them regardless if there was bounding sadness looping around my head or the thrill of silence.

My pattern of wanting every one happy or at least not mad or sad, particularly at me is really I suspect my own discomfort with the anger and grief that resides in me; that if I can make others feel better than there is hope for me. It is the same magical thinking that I have about my mother, if she became truly sane and functional than I would be safe from the crazy. I don't want my presence in someone's life to make things harder for them, but I suspect it does, because, well I am crazy in my own way; because while I am a realist a lot of the time I feel like I spin tales, recast the better side of myself that leads people to think I am more than I am. When the truth comes out, they are disappointed and feel a bit trapped by the fantasy. Then they are mad. Then I am mad at me, at them; I want to save them from the sink hole I have dug for them but I can't. In truth I did not dig it, though perhaps I helped lead them to the sink hole that resides within, so I can't rescue them either. Everyone, especially me, needs to rescue themselves and yet I yearn to rescue, to help, to offer sixteen lights at the end of their tunnel.

Rescue me by Buckcherry seems the closest to how I feel right now, except it's all about me, no one else in my head and heart right now to do this for me. I have no idea who Buckcherry is, I just did a lyric search for "rescue me," just in case you are wondering about my music choices. I need to learn, deeply, make it my operating system, how to take care of me, how not to obsessively rescue others, not to lose me inside someone. It is scary, I know how to do the basics like housing, job, feeding; it is the deeper stuff - being alone, facing all my feelings without judgment, pampering me, taking care of my health on all levels. To honor my needs and wants without rationalizing why I shouldn't have them or meet them.

I feel a little like an addict, like everyday is going to be a struggle to make the best choice, to not bathe in the waters of someone else's needs, to not offer lifesavers before some one actually says they need one.

So today I claim as day one of recognizing my lack of control over or for other's people's feelings; that people will get mad at me, they have a right to their feelings, as do I; that I will continue to be as loving and supportive to everyone as I can while remembering to do the same for myself.

Wishing for a shortcut

There are times when deeply sitting in your being is great, but inevitably there comes times when you wish you were done, or could ignore yourself. In this freeform time of being alone a lot, of wondering where to live for the next stretch of time, of seeing friends whom I have missed greatly, there comes these emotional bumps of sadness or that lovely sense impending doom. Today I feel like I am waiting for the shoe to drop. Grieving a relationship is hard work, going over details of joy and not so joyful times hurts. There is no pretty way to say it.

Sitting inside the well of yourself wondering if something is broken inside you is a less than glorious way to pass the time. It is harder to run away from myself here. For the second time ever I am living with no television - having that black hole available gave me a reprieve, a way to forget and now I do not have it. I don't rent movies, have only watched three shows online. My escapes are reading which works as long as my brain doesn't interfere; sleep is the other with the same caveat. Except even if I sleep my subconscious can get in my way. Yesterday while napping my brain worried over a stone, rubbing it until it shone. Ultimately the dreams were about relationships that it is too late to revive, about being told no, about how sometimes wanting something isn't enough.

In a way I feel like my life has been brought full circle, a way to begin again - which at my age is gracious of the universe, and cruel. It is a gift that is lovely but it's like the post office had lost it at least six times so it wrinkled, cracked and a good deal of shine has been rubbed off the pretty paper. That is a bit of what I see in the mirror half the time, the passage of time, aging settling in at my edges. It is scary as I don't often think of myself as older but I am. I do think I am a bit wiser than 20 years ago, and I hope to keep getting smarter about myself but the mistakes, the ways I have ignored my inner and outer self some days feel very, very loud.

For today I will try to remember that each day is new opportunity, a new chance dig deeper, to sleep away worry, to connect with people, to think of something new to do with the life I have right now.

Next time just slap me*

When I start bemoaning that my family will judge me in a negative light. That totally did not happen. One cousin said, "Oh, so you are footloose and fancy free then?", like it was a good thing. My sister said it was great that I was being open to what came next. Terrible, right? Yeah, so next time remind me that in all my years with them they have never to my face said anything negative, never put me down. What they say in private, well whatever. They have supported me and worried about me but that's really not so bad, you know.

Next time I complain about not having a seder to go to, remind how this year I went to three! Yes three! I am a lucky, well fed woman. They were all delightful, different, fun, challenging, and thoughtful - like all jewish get togethers in my experience. For a mostly veghead, let me assure you that there is nothing like a really excellent brisket on the holiday. Nothing.


* That is a metaphorical slap which needed to be clarified to a pain in the ass, in the best way, to my friend Greg who wanted to know if if was really okay to slap me. It's not! Well at least it's not okay for him, other people may have different privileges.

Catching up a bit

Due to sloth and distraction I never wrote about my travels to Greg and Janet's home at the end of March. Shameful I know. Arriving on a Friday night I was happy to see a scene I had not experienced in a long time - Greg sketching a model for a painting. Janet was bopping around her studio and greeted me with a big hug, leading me to the kitchen to help myself to dinner leftovers.

Saturday we prepped for the Open Studio scheduled for that afternoon which mean that Greg and I walked up the farmer's market up at Grand Army Plaza. Talking about life while taking in vistas of Brooklyn that I had not seen for quite some time; sunlight was lighting up the limestone, sparkling the sidewalks and glinting off the sculptures of the arch. The market was bustling, filled with people, children and dogs.

After coming back to their home I took over the food prep, which was largely making the plates of prepared food look pretty and chopping vegetables. It also offed me an escape during the open studio -something to do when I felt restless, too quiet for chatter, or like my heart was suffering from the sporadic pangs which manifested as a body ache that wanted me to propel into their bedroom in a fetal position with the cat.


Slowly those moments of awkward emotions lifted, or perhaps I was able stow them away in order to be present in the moment. Wonderful flows in and out conversations, slowly the open studio time faded to a more intimate setting to celebrate Greg's birthday and gave us time to talk in slower manner. It was a lovely a day in the end when I reviewed it all before bed.

Monday I finally roused myself to do something on my own, thinking I would go to the yarn store a mere three blocks from their home. As I turned left out of the door I realized that for some odd reasons most yarn stores in the United States are closed on Mondays. It was possible that this being within the confines of New York City would have better sense than that but I was doubtful. As it turned out it was shuttered by the typical irons gates that pull down over many storefronts here. Being out was a good thing so I simply decided to walk and stroll through the neighborhood that on and off many years ago had been my home turf. It was amazing to see so many storefronts the same in the past 10 or even 20 something years and not surprising at all to see so many things that had sprouted new life. One of the few stores I went into has been there since at least the mid-80's; an odd, narrow crowded store with mostly shoes but also a rack of fairly eclectic clothing, some of which seemed like it had been there since my first visit over 20 years ago. I walked up Seventh Avenue until I hit 3rd Street where I turned west towards the corner of 3rd and Fifth Avenue, where I lived in the early eighties. The corner of my former block is now chic and the block has been rehabbed for a long time. A far cry from when I lived there where half the buildings were abandoned, including half the units in my abode. It is the first since I left New York in 1990 that I thought, "I could live here". My large nostalgic circling took over an hour and I felt enlivened, happy, and even a bit peaceful.


(A wall of Janet's studio)
It was a lovely visit and as I write this I am back that their place visiting yet again. This is my other home base for the moment which allows me quiet, companionship, and waves of creativity as their art hangs on the walls, colors hits various types of canvases with oil paints, water colors, and food-based dyes.




(A piece of Greg's work on his studio wall)

Rumblings in the brain

For many years, maybe three-fourths of my life, I have experienced these feelings of impending doom - something I should be doing, something I haven't done, something I did wrong will come tumbling forward and I will be a puddle of despair of entirely my own making. These feelings come over me at random times, often in bed when falling asleep, sometimes when out having a good time and a quiet moment crosses which allows that spidery web of distress envelop my gut and shake it, hard.

Last night I had it again. Greg and I had just gone to hear Jay Wiseman give a presentation on Immobilizing Bondage which largely was god awful. We were tearing it apart, having fun in our more polymorphous view of the world and thus more correct view versus his limited heterosexist and sexist style. A moment of satisfied silence was suddenly overtaken be this sense that I shouldn't be having fun, that my life should have more form, that I should be a good little societal mole and finally act like the grown up I imagined from time to time when I was young.

Many years ago when I first was on anti-depressants the impending doom sensation disappeared and the idea that I was not in fact being presentient was incredibly liberating. When I was not on my happy pills it was useful thing to remember that it was simply my brain misfiring and only appearing cruel or psychic. It is not surprising that I am having waves of this now giving I am not following any particular model, watching my donated pennies until I can form my own cash flow. Largely I am on my own schedule, I am not responsible in a day to day way for anyone for the first time in years and years. It feels so liberating. I am going simply by my rhythm and working not to judge myself for it. Tomorrow night I will see a number of my family for the first time in five years. What will I tell them? Am I afraid of their judgement? Could I view it instead that I am being brave, that they would find what I am doing scary and somewhere deep inside they could be in awe of me? I'm not sure. In truth their reaction will probably be a mix of worry that my life has no form and a little wistful that they are not, maybe have never, been in this place.

This morning Greg and I talked some more about the gut shaking I get. He offered that maybe I could try to find a way to turn it into something constructive, creative, or other wise work this sensation into a positive. From there we talked a bit about what my plans are, where my focus is in terms of the next short and intermediate steps in my path. Encouraging noises were made on his part, and I, in turn, realized I had some shape, solid ideas about where and how I wanted to go but that I was also keeping some things open ended since there are many unknowns that are only somewhat in my control. I will continue to take my life in my hands, chart my own waters, and know that I have many good friends to visit with, help guide me, and generally love me well through thes travels.

Clarity, my kingdom for clarity

Okay I have no kingdom to offer but you get the drift. Her Geekyness and I are trying to negotiate the waters of no longer being a couple but are still connected, still care deeply for each other. I feel like my words are failing me which frustrates me no end. Within myself I am trying to understand how I got where I am, what it means and am trying to dig into the work on myself in an honest, real, and loving way. Everything feels a bit shallow rather than deep, a touch of playing at the edges rather than placing myself in the middle of my metaphorical pile of shit and wallowing in the positives and negatives.

I hear of other couples splitting, of still other couples hashing it out and I wonder how each happens even while I am aware that I have no idea what their relationship actually feels like so I can have no realistic notion of whether I want to emulate them. This is something I ponder a lot about myself, about whether I am missing some component, whether I have less fortitude surrounding certain discomforts of life. It is quite possible that I am in complete model with an inborn defect. However I also know that I do not enter relationships planning for the end. I enter filled with hope that we can do what's necessary to make things work. Tempting though it might be to place blame on simply oneself or solely the other person the reality is that it takes two people create whatever becomes, whether it is a love of the moment, an era, or forever; it take two people to make it a healthy growthful thing or something inhibits the stretch.

It is a hard morning. I feel awkward, out of place and time. In reality I know this moment is necessary and fleeting though it will return, just like all emotions do, I only hope that I can keep digging in the mud, nurturing it, honoring it so that one day a lotus may take root.