Utah day 4, April 22

From my journal:

Just to note this marks 12 weeks of daily writing - perhaps the only thing I've done daily for that long except eat and sleep.

I never got totally warm during the night; the rain stopped by around 2:00am I'm guessing as I got out of the tent to pee at 2:45 and it was quiet. My knees, particularly the left one cranked at me most of the night. Sleeping in bad positions and being chilly made my neck scream as well.

By Greg's thermometer it was 32F degrees at dawn. Our tents had frozen rain covering them, which meant we needed to wait for them to defrost and dry before packing them up.

Driving over to Green River I was so tired all I wanted to do was nap. A short visit to the John Wesley Powell Museum was on the agenda after which we stopped at an excellent funky cafe place with a Native American gift shop attached. From there we left the town of Green River and the last vestiges of civilization. Green River is largely a ghost town with a lot of empty store fronts; typical desert town. Quickly there was nothing, hardly any traffic.

Now we are in Goblin Valley State Park for one night. My energy and mood improved but now after setting up camp and showering I am ready for a nap. I also need downtime, so though Katie just joined the group (after flying into Moab) I am in my tent scribbling, warm at last with one long side facing south.

I alternate between feeling so defeated at my limitations and thrilled with what I've done the last few days. I am grateful at how well I am getting along with and enjoying Matt and Meredith which a large unknown for me. Now that Katie has arrived the dynamic will shift again, more so since we now have a second car. I suspect we will take turns keeping Katie company.

Tomorrow will be a long day of driving but we will be there for two nights and then Sunday will we be in a lodge, which no matter the conditions (just about) will feel like a huge luxury.

The sky here is so huge, vast, endless. Variations of clouds and shades of blue are ever changing, always beautiful - a mix of wisps, puffs, shaded, fluffy the clouds are compelling.

Later we will go on a hike to see the Goblins; a mile and a half loop is being proposed. I think I can handle that. As long as it's not too steep in either direction. Water, camera, and extra layers are the things I need to carry.

Later....

At the Goblin Valley Overlook - what gives you a vast lowered old sea floor of these structures that are like babe voodoos (though they may be geologically different materials). Especially when looking out over them they look squat, almost smurf shaped. They also call to mind a baby god playing in the surf dropping wet sand on itself for hours and hours.

Walking down to the floor of this geological anomaly the scale shifts dramatically as you realize how they tower over you. It is possible to climb up on them, even balancing on one leg for a

fun vacation photo as I observed other visitors doing. Out behind the bed of goblins are the tall jaggedly cut rock that as so common here; mostly dark brown, with subtle shaded striping running horizontally. Further beyond that is this amazingly verdigris rock, the color of that blows me away every time.

Freeform anxiety

Welcome back my old friend. I can't say that I miss you when you disappear and when you appear I can't wait for you to leave again. Sigh.

The biggest thing is not presume that my fears, those negative thoughts and whispered horrors are true. Remembering that sometimes my mind is not my friend is a good, if challenging, thing. These feelings have been present on and off for several days now. I must just accept that they appear, that my shadows are always there, that they are not my enemy.

As I prepare to go to the city for the next few days, I realize that some of this is about leaving my nest. This cabin has become a haven for me. It is a place to let go, recharge, be totally inside myself. Last Tuesday I returned from California; from Thursday afternoon through Monday I had a lot of company. Tomorrow I head out for the weekend and thus I haven't had as much "top secret Dharma time" as my friend likes to call it before taking off again.

Aside from all that I am trying to determine where this is coming from, perhaps in part it's because I don't have the right dosage of my happy pills, and I have been stretching this script out, so I am getting an even lower dose than usual. Yes, it's that, but it is also some residual grieving over my last relationship and quite possibly still some backlog from the one before that because the truth is that one was completely messed up. It's processing a lot of things that have been rattling around my head from the past, from yesterday, from tomorrow's potential. It's a busy place in there.

It is also possible there is some loneliness happening in my heart, as much as I adore living here by myself. I have spent half my life living with partners, often without a lot of break between them. Between roommates and lovers I have rarely inhabited a space completely alone and not for a very, very long time. When my live-in partners went away for a trip or such, I delighted in being alone, it made me happy even while I missed them. Now that is all I have.

About a year ago I posited that my greed of love was a compelling factor in why I don't stay single. It's true I haven't been single long, but it is sinking in that I am indeed single; that the road ahead while it will be filled with friends, family of choice, and I expect some dating, I am alone on some level that is different than I am used to. It is scary, I think. Scary is not bad, but it is not comfortable. Really, in truth, since the breakup with BC, I am doing everything I planned to, except having her in my life. So on one hand my life is going according to my own plan and desire in all areas which is good, but the exception reflects a hole nonetheless. It is a big one, as I had very high hopes for her, for us. I guess I am still having moments when giving that up hurts. Perhaps I am rambling, grasping for some explanation of my moodiness.

I know this will pass, my center will reground, but in the meantime I am a bit uncomfortable in my own skin, which is so the opposite how I felt much of my time at NCDC camp where I danced more than usual - feeling very much in my body in a wonderful way. This weekend I will play, see family, and try to find my body again. Next weekend I will go to the Frolic and hope to reclaim some of that joy and magic from California here on this coast. So in general I will keep moving forward and my old friend will head off for another vacation, hopefully a very long one.

I {heart} Rob Brezny

I just read my horoscope for this week and while I would have preferred to do without the rending of a dream, hope, etc that I have experienced, his words give me added hope.

Since Thursday late in the afternoon I have been at NCDC and it has exceeded my expectations and wishes that a change of scenery would do me good. It is a good community to dive into, lots of wonderful people, renewing connections, forming new ones. My heart has been touched, my body has felt powerful, my laughter has been plentiful.

Rob's words for this week:

What have you lost in recent months, Libra?
This week begins a phase when you will have the potential to not exactly
recover it, but rather to re-create it on a higher level. Maybe a dream that
seemed to unravel was simply undergoing a reconfiguration, and now
you're primed to give it a new and better form of expression. Maybe a
relationship that went astray was merely dying so it could get
resurrected, with more honesty and flexibility this time around.

Utah Day 3

(I think this is my 600th post! Wow.)

Wednesday 21st of April

Today's plan was to head to Arches National Park. Lovely drive in, someone noted upon our first sight of the rock formations that yesterday was all about looking down into canyons and today would be all about looking up. So true. As we drove in, we stopped frequently to marvel, take photos and just absorb the beauty. Our stopping points included Courthouse Towers.






Balanced Rock - which had a nice walking path. Later we learned that the balanced rock was 55ft tall with the overall formation being 128 feet.











The major walk of the day was done at the Window Section where we hit the South Window, Turret, and the North Window, returning on the longer "primitive path". Along the path we found a lovely place to sit on some rocks and partake of lunch.




Later we went to the Fiery Furnace which Meredith was completely intrigued by. This site is hikeable with a ranger and that's done by appointment. When we arrived a group was heading out, and various members of group debated sneaking along.

Heading north we stopped at Devil's Garden Trailhead, where we split from Matt and Meredith - so they could hike faster and further. Greg, Janet and I took our time, stopping at Landscape Arch, where we found a nook to draw and write but rain started - heavy but short, cutting short our more esoteric activities. Rain in the desert is different, a treat in a way. Given the weather we decided to head back. The water made the rocks glisten - for about five minutes before it dried.




We drove back down, stopping at Park Avenue Viewpoint and Trailhead, again separating briefly. Greg, Janet and I drove to the other end, saw the lower bit of a rainbow that sat next to us for quite some time.


Some of the group were experiencing strong cravings for beer which decided our next destination - Moab Brewery, where we had a great meal. Upon heading back to our campsite we drove to Dead Horse Viewpoint to watch the sun go down. It was great to experience that location in the strong light of day and again to see how light plays with rocks.


Upon arriving back at our tent site we found there had been lots of activity - the winds had blow sand furiously into our tents, Matt's tent had flipped over, my fly had been put on wrong so it had blown off and in addition to sand, rain come in, leaving me with a damp sleeping bag. After putting my fly on correctly I took my bag into the rest room using the hand dryer to make my bag sleepable.

So here I am lying in my sandy damp tent, listening to the rain, not exactly cold, not completely toasty either. In some ways I am already overwhelmed and saturated by all the visuals. My body is sore, I am bone tired - the sun (yes I am a bit burned, though not badly), the physical exertion, the conversations, the nonstop beauty and the awe nature inspires are all a lot to absorb, assimilate. I can hear Greg snoring already. It's so much and the trip has just begun. I am wondering whatever possessed me to do this trip but I am enjoying it, just wondering how to balance everything.

With the noise of the rain I am tempted to call BC. What the hell I will try. We spoke very briefly but it was good to hear her voice. It hasn't been that long since we spoke but when I heard her on the voicemail after dinner it felt like it had been forever. I think because the days have been so full and so long.

It is almost 10pm MST, time to maybe put on another layer and get some sleep.

More thought of what is home

Just moments ago I finally, finally finished American Gods by Neil Gaiman. What a truly amazing book on so many levels: deep, challenging, dark, a bit of very dark humor, fascinating take on old religions. I highly recommend this book but be warned it is not a happy read and it is long.

On one of the last pages:

He sat down on a grassy bank and looked at the city that surrounded him, and thought, one day he would have to go home. And one day he would have to make a home to go back to. He wondered whether home was a thing that happened to a place after a while, or if it was something that you found in the end, if you simply walked and waited and willed it long enough.

This resonates so much for me as I have given a lot of thought about what "home" means, how one feels at home; whether home is something you carry with you; how people can feel like home. Certainly the last 15 or so months has been a continuation of that search in a very lived way, of that hope of figuring out what I want home to feel like, look like but I am much in the same spot I was in when I wrote the post above. It's true that overall my old neighborhood of Historic South Park was fabulous, the overall vibe of that part of the country, my sense of disconnect there was something I was happy to leave - though there are people from that region that miss almost daily regardless of the connections and reconnections I have forged since leaving in March 2009. It is the people that I bonded to that make that place home but I feel safe in saying I will not live in Southern Ohio ever again.

For better or worse, as I said to my therapist, I am imminently flexible about many things, where I live being one of them. There are some wonderful positive things about being imbued with this quality; however the challenges are many both to myself and to the people who love me. I know this. It is possible that what I need is to become a bit less flexible, which for me means continuing to learn how to put myself higher up in the food chain of priorities, state my desires, intent, and dreams more clearly. This may mean shaking some people loose in terms of their standing in my considerations, not something I am comfortable with or practiced in. Even if that doesn't happen the prospect of finding a way to express and live my inner core is scary; uncharted territory that needs to be acknowledged, tended to for things to grow, for me to grow.

In the meantime, this sweet, funky cabin is my physical home, one I make more so every day. Especially the last two days as my kitchen things are here (still in boxes and some will not stay here - did I mention I have a LOT of kitchen things?). My spices are on a tiny shelf, disordered (usually they exist in alphabetical order) but just knowing they are here, adding their perfume even on the most minute level, makes it more like home for me. Today I cleaned off the camping stove/grill so that I can begin to actually cook somewhere besides the microwave, washed one set of windows. All steps to letting myself settle in here. Really, this place is sweet - y'all should come visit me.

A bit ago I sat outside with my coffee and toast, finishing the above novel, while a lovely summer storm ebbed and flowed. I reveled in the smells of summer rain, drinking from my lovely coffee bowl (Thanks Sarah! I <3 you so much!), listening to the wind and rain, I felt a moment of peace that was so sweet it was almost like an altered state. I felt released from the anxiety and grief that has marred my days of late, I felt a burgeoning of hope for myself that is still ethereal that it feels much removed from reality, but I will try to remember that I make that reality. I have a choice in how I see myself, my options; I have a choice in how I respond to feelings, thoughts, people, and the events sets in my path. We all have that ability, sometimes it's easy to forget that.

Utah Day 2

From journal pages:

Sleep was not good: cold, hard, unsettled and my knee whimpered on and off which raised some alarm as I worried how it would fair in the upcoming days. After a fair bit of puttering, reorganizing we headed out to Dead Horse State Park proper, walking around, taking in the vistas. We hit the Visitor Center where I found cards by a local artist that called out to me.






From there we headed to Grand View Outlook in Canyonlands. Every moment of this walking and riving, this small hike has been beautiful. The vistas are so large, vast offering a sense of scale that those on the east coast or midwest cannot take in unless coming here. Photos, specials on PBS cannot hope to inspire the awe that one experiences when being here. It's like your chest releases and expands at once; the reality of your day to day life, the smallness it encompasses is thrown into stark relief. It recalls, a bit, of the trip I did as a child driving from New York City to Montana one summer. We were not a camping family so I did not grow up doing these sorts of things but that journey impressed an image of the country as vast - culturally, where it seems as if we had entered a different country at times. it was then that I first was caught spellbound by the colors in the canyons as we drove through the Badlands of South Dakota; knowing nothing then (or much now) about geography I didn't know what I was looking at, not really, except the beauty particularly when the lowered rays of the setting sun cast incredible illuminations in my sight line.

It is the striations of colors and the canyons within canyons that still strike me, the way the clouds obscure or set off shapes and lines, even shifting the perspective of depth. The other visual feature that moves me as it always does are the tree corpses and the half dead arching, brittle, stripping barks. Bone white in places, dark as a starless night on others; the high contrast between the stripped wood and dry terracotta dirt, the green of the more succulent plants draw my eye every time. I long to capture these but photos rarely convey what I see in my mind's eye. It is one of those times I most earnestly wish I could draw, to translate my vision to hang on wall once home. These fibrous bones are my happy place, baring impact on the landscape, standing through generations, listening as the ravens play over head, lizards crawling around the exposed roots, hiding in the nooks of their limbs. Always beautiful at each stage of their existence, the same elementally, yet visibly varied at each state.

Scale is hard to judge out here. On the way back down from Grandview Outlook, we could see the parking area looking like a tiny dot but yet it felt like no time to get close, yet we walked more than a mile. Later we went to Upheaval Dome, a site of some controversy. It was a short walk, only about 1/4 of a mile but climbed 200 feet in that short span - comparing this to my walk in New Paltz which climbed that height in more like a mile. Down in what is left from either an exploded salt dome or meteorite is the amazing palette of color, verdigris only there is no copper. It is shaped differently from what we have seen so far - sharp,, long horizontal peaked edges. Juniper trees crop out of the earth and stone surfaces all about us, their green foliage and deep brown trunks contrasting nicely with the dune to deep terracotta earth. Smaller scrubs form a pattern which is probably based on the path from rain rivulets in the wetter months. The sky immediately above is a deep clear cornflower blue, fading slowly as your eyes travel to the horizon, some areas almost blending with the deeper gray blue of the mountains about fifty miles in the distance.

So ends my second day in Utah.

Fools Rush In

That is the phrase I woke with in my head this morning, well once I finally consented to finally really get up. Waking before 6am when I fell asleep after 2am was not in my plans. I finally fell back to sleep and kept doing so until it was just ridiculous to try to avoid the world any longer.

I do not feel like a fool in a "I'm stupid" sort of way, more in the overly hopeful way, more in that I learn from mistakes but yet I keep trying certain things again and again because what if I were wrong.

This is a bit of a long way of saying I am single again. It has been in the works for a bit now but I wanted to wait until I was ready to disclose. I feel hurt, bruised, and very tired. Sad, very very sad. There have days of crying and inertia, also days of excellent distraction, moving forward in various areas.

As I had planned for myself upon before coming back to New Paltz (I've been here for a bit of time now) I investigated therapists (Happy D?) and will continue with one, at least for now; giving it some time to see if a good bond and good work happen.

Like before I will not be using this space to process what went on, or engage in a she said/she said type thing. Rather I will continue to examine my actions, my motivations, and my meanderings. I will also continue to write about my Utah experience because it was amazing.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Utah Day 1

(Many of the Utah posts will drawn from my journal writings and may quote from that writing as well.)

Monday, April 19th I had an outrageously early flight out of Cleveland. BC was so sweet waking with me at 4:15am, making me coffee and packing me snacks. The nice thing was that my flights were easy and on time; on the first leg I dozed a great deal as I was already behind on sleep.

"So much is unknown, new. New people, new vistas, new version of travel. But if I want to go to Death Valley someday with Greg and Janet, this is a first stop. I am worried my writing will freeze up, that my photos would be cliche [some are!]. Both of those may happen. I just need to push through. I am hoping to meditate a bit, sit in the silence and see what comes up.

Met up easily with Matt P and Meredith, found conversation flowed easily. Later G & J arrived, we got all turned around in Salt Lake City trying to find REI and food shopping sources but finally we were on the road. We found billboards helped us choose our dinner stop - Groggs in Price Utah. Really excellent food, highly recommended. Our ride continued for quite awhile; in the distances we saw lots of virgas.

"Seeing the mountains from above in the plane was so lovely, so beautiful - the ridges, the snow, subtle color shifts. I thought about yarn and patterns... The striations of each, the sharp edges, hoodoos, rocks standing on what looks like their ends. The restaurant looked like the center of a town on the verge of becoming hip."

Finally, after dark we arrived at Dead Horse State Park and set up camp.

"The others are outside talking, too jazzed by the beautiful night - warm, bright stars, and I am beyond tired...They are excited to hike, I am but not in the same way, they are serious hikers and this is all new for me. I wonder if I will like it. The views, the quiet, seeing the stars, writing, thinking - that's what I am looking forward to the most I think."

There are four tents squeezed on a tiny tent pad. That's Janet with a deer in the flashlight expression.

A Cold Spring

A Cold Spring

It is catches you unaware
Creeping in the invisible pockets
Suddenly there is a light frost
in your home
in your bones
Running in place you try to stay
away from icicles forming around you
Asking them to leave
Making offerings to the winds of change
to bring back the warmth that you crave,
that envelopes you in safety
The fight saps your energy
Kills your ability to rest as tendrils of
wind lick at your toes
Admission of defeat rises up your spine
Breathing becomes a struggle as
if feels as if blocks of ice are resting on your chest
In the end you leave to seek a new resting spot
Hoping that the warmth will return to you.

The rolling hills of my mind

It's been a hard few weeks, very hard. The truth is our heroine has been struggling mightily. It has been hard to maintain my moods which swing from despair to reasonably fine with alarming frequency. It is hard to know if it's situational, perimenopausal hormonal hell, or my meds have decided to stop working.

Time might tell if it's the medications, though how I will determine that is hard to know right now. Ditto regarding hormonal hell (though lately the night sweats have totally disappeared). Situational, sigh. It seems that the deep crazies started right before the anniversary of my leaving Dayton which was last March. The week before that date I went to Yuma to visit with Abby, something that was years overdue. As the fates would have it things were a bit unsettled with her life there, but it was really fine, that is what family is for, to be there and let go of expectations. We managed to have a lot of fun and spent tons of time talking about everything - so wonderful.

The day after I came back was the actual anniversary and had been wanting to so something to mark it. Serendipitously, during a meandering conversation with Sunny, I realized what I wanted to do. In December of 2008 I had started a pair of Fuzzyfeet as a gift for the now ex-partner; they were finished except for the felting. Initially I had thought I would felt them and send them to her. However for a variety of reasons I changed my mind. I had thought about finishing them and gifting them to someone else entirely but that never seemed right either. In a moment during the conversation with Sunny I realized that I would unravel them and reknit them into something for me. I began the hunt for potential patterns soon after coming to this decision and am pretty certain the yarn will be repurposed for this. I have not yet cast on but I did unravel my stitches and rewind the yarn. As I pulled out the stitches, I thought about letting go, about untangling myself from my ex's energy, about making a commitment to my creativity, to not give away my craft without thought, to honoring my time and focus.

I have continued, albeit sporadically, to write for an internet content mill - my largest success was writing five articles in a week, none needing edits and two were a higher word count (and hence pay). I was thrilled. My morning pages have continued and I am close to finishing my second journal; but I have not blogged. Nor I have I kept up on the reading of the book or workbook exercises; I tell myself I can do them anytime and they will still serve me well.

Things with BC have bounced around a great deal and it shakes me to my core when I think things are not going well, worst of all, it might be all (or mostly) in my head. My struggles are had to define and I find it impossible to trust my gut. Mostly I think, Gut? What gut? All that's here is a crowded room of fear. It's stupid, it doesn't help things because I wind up walking on eggshells that I have put there myself. How ridiculous is that? It must be annoying the hell out of her. Everything that is said or done, I read into endless as if they are shape-shifting tea leaves. Crazy making I can tell you.

I have gotten back a bit of my knitting mojo which makes me happy and gives me comfort.

About two weeks I walked my first 5K at the Cleveland Zoo. Given that I had not been training at all (hm, a connection with my mental state?) I was thrilled with my outcome which was 55min30secs. Just a hair under 18min/mile, with hills! It gave me some measure of confidence regarding my upcoming trip to Utah.


Greg, Janet, me and three others will be embarking on a very well planned (by Greg) inspiring, and challenging (perhaps only for me) two week hiking trip to bring awareness to SUWA (Southern Utah Wildness Alliance) who's mission is the "preservation of the outstanding wilderness at the heart of the Colorado Plateau...". We are hoping to explore the Canyonlands (staying at Camp Death Horse Point), the Escalante River, Devil's Garden Wilderness and Dry Fork Coyote Gulch.

Great names, no? I expect to have my claustrophobia challenged by slithering into slot canyons, and cannot wait to view hoodoos.

There is a chance we may produce an artist's book using their paintings (and perhaps some of my writing or photography - if I'm very lucky). Either way this will be a great project as part of their Art & Adventures identity. I have been very fortunate to work with them on the business end of their art careers for about the last year (often working as a virtual assistant) and I am excited to be a small part of their latest jaunt of combining art and the great outdoors.

The last two nights I have had remarkable dreams, they are providing me with answers, confidence, and some clarity. They have very much been about working through the residual layers of my last relationship, about making room for myself to be me, to think outside of the box in terms of how I live my life. In one I was in a therapy session talking about my relationship fears and I gave myself a great answer to some of what I have been experiencing. One of the gifts my last relationship was having someone tell me constantly that I have walls, that I keep people out. It is true and a good deal of the work I've been during this year has been renovating those walls by creating doors and windows. What this means is that I am letting people (specifically BC) in more, which leaves me vulnerable in a way that I have not been. This has been the case in so many ways, doing things that challenge my fears - the time alone in New Paltz, my relationship with BC, the 5K, Utah, roller coasters. Being more open hurts, leaves us open to being hurt. I have lived my life being very guarded, I am breaking away from that and it's hard. Last night's dream I was a house, not literally, but the house in the dream represented me. I was giving myself permission to stay here, in me, I consciously readied things of my ex's to be packed up and moved out, while I choose to keep things that were BC's, I decided
to move into the largest bedroom, to have roommates (let people in).

I am hopeful, even while I am feeling challenged and shaky tonight, that these dreams represent movement, growth away from the cycle of crazy I have been feeling for the last month. In a few days I head to Utah for another adventure that I am certain will offer more insight and growth, along with physical exhaustion. Did I mention I have never hiked with a pack before, or hell hike? See y'all after Utah in early May.

And a child shall lead them

to their knees.

It started out a perfectly lovely day, BC made pancakes for breakfast. We gathered around the table to gobble down the food. The Kid's friend was dropped off for an overnight play date.

A classmate had decided to have an inaugural WebKinz meeting that afternoon - yes I realize you had no idea there were such things, well there really aren't; it was the spark of imagination of a little girl. The truth is I do not get the allure of webkinz, nor do I love the website games from what I have heard of them at deafening volume when The Kid spends time there. I did think it was a clever idea for a gathering that did not involve presents and time at a Chuck E Cheese type of place (again very little experience, I may have gone to one but I scrubbed any real memory from my brain of the event other than there was a lot of noise).

We dropped them off at a lovely house and proceed to giggle like school girls cutting school. It has never happened that we had a bit of free time on a Kid weekend. I tell you it was totally exciting - we went to Targee {tm}. Finally we got fun coffee drinks and sat in the car, wishing for a bit more time to run home for some serious grown up time, but there was only enough time to sip from paper cups and dream.

I never know what I should do in moments like this, but given the car I at least need to get out of it to let the kids in. Because I try to respect boundaries and not step on toes, I ask BC if it's okay, if I should come along. While their split is common knowledge by this time, showing off your new relationship is something else again. She assured me that it was fine so we stepped up the walk to enter a noisy and cozy house filled with children. Our girls were getting there things together, BC introduced me to the host parent and we chatted. The mom wandered to deal with something and a little girl, eight at most I would say, with mousy brown straight hair, very round watery blue eyes and a slightly narrow, pinched face looked up at me and said "Who's mom is that?"

For a moment the world froze and my heart stopped. It is not like I haven't heard that before but it's been years and years. Perhaps it was during the time I was trying to get pregnant, I don't remember. What I do know is this time was different. This time I had already tried to get pregnant, it hadn't worked, then followed an abyss of indecision and stony silence, finally a decision, of sorts had been reached. And now? Now I exist in the nowhere land. I am not a parent, but I am with someone who is, we are not in the state where the label "stepparent" is used or applicable. It was a bit of a panicked moment which I was rescued from by someone, I don't remember who or what was said. A response was flubbed or redirected, something.

This moment stuck with me for several days but I said nothing. It then faded away, submerged in the river of denial. Until yesterday, while doing my daily pages it suddenly turned up. This is the thing about this writing exercise, doing it everyday, even late in the day, without a plan, without intent there is no telling where your mind will take you if you just let things flow. This parent being that resides in me has nowhere to go; she just bangs around, walking in circles, into walls looking for somewhere to rest, looking for someone to nurture, to care for in that way. There are no animals to take care of, to snuggle in the night anymore. There are no doula clients to soothe, to support, to coo over. But there is this child who rightfully, reasonably holds me at a bit of a distance; who I hold at a distance, rightfully, reasonably. I have no name in this relationship, I may never.

In the meanwhile I will continue to try to find a place for that parent self that resides within and maybe she will not throw the panic switch the next time a random child asks that question.

A Happy Find

It has not been the happiest of days, lately. Feeling raw, unkempt, at odds. Having nothing better to do to distract myself I googled me. I know, it's the height of self involved grumbles. But in doing that I found this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/rizzi/13178330/

One of my all time favorite clients. Seriously. These folks rock the world the inhabit and the world rocks them back.

One "yeah" for the day.

One last burst

Some of the last bit of time at the house in New Paltz I was snowed in, not an unpleasant experience in such a lovely place. In addition I lost cable which meant no television and no internet, plus my cell stopped working. Thank goodness they had a landline. Four days of complete silence from outside sources that usually inundated with via cell, television, the web was a nice reprieve. It seemed timely and fine the way things started to go a bit wrong, or rather not blissfully perfect as they had my last few days, the universe way of saying it was time to move onward.I found myself wanting to arrive in Cleveland with little to no laundry, I wanted to end with as many things tidy as possible, and clean, a fresh slate to start my next phase. Not something I have done before but I liked doing that, as well as making the house especially tidy for my departure and the homeowners arrival.

I appreciate my time there so much. It was much like something I have thought about doing for years, eons really. At various points in time I had the vague urge to go to someplace like the to do a session of silence and reflection, or wondered what it would be like to become a Buddhist monk. When on the cusp of leaving C. and deciding to see where things lead with Her Geekyness, I had a strong urge to leave them both behind, to rent a tiny cottage in the mountains or by the beach somewhere in Northern California, to gain some piece for myself. Fear of so many things kept me from doing this. It took five years but I finally got my personal retreat. The place was beautiful, somewhere I love physically, a place with reasonable creature comforts where I could discover and impose my rhythms. There were things I did not expect to discover while I was there.

Years ago I had read about the notion of the daily pages for The Artist’s Way, but there was no way to know how much I would learn about myself while doing them, how much I love writing them, that I missed real journaling. I like, and crave being neat more than I knew. I have had partners who teased me about my piles, who nagged about how the house looked (like it was all on me!), who knew I could be different than I had been. I had forgotten how tidy I tend to be when on my own, when I like where I am. I can feed myself just fine and even be healthy and not gorge, even though there is no one whose disapproval I perceive lurking around the corner.

Something I had not expected to discover about myself was I am a bit more old fashioned than I thought. In my conversations with BC when she visited I realized that I did not want her to ask me to move in unless she was willing to marry me. By “marry” I don’t mean a wedding per se, or getting a ring as much as I mean that I need to know she is asking me because she is committed to the idea of us, to working on our relationship for the long haul. Perhaps it’s a matter of no longer being in my 20’s or even 30’s, maybe it’s having done this too many times before without enough conversation about what we want, how our relationship will look in other's lives, but I need to know that it’s the whole deal. I don’t want to be asked because it’s convenient, because she is lonely, because she thinks maybe she’d like to build a future. I don’t want to say yes for those reasons. I want us to buy the cow, the barn, the house, and go to town meetings. I want a plan, I want things spelled out, I want to know that will we will review things regularly to tweak them, to improve, to repair something that isn’t working.

Would I turn down a ring or a wedding party? Hell no. But it is more about what follows that I want. I want to have a room of my own where we live, even if it isn’t a full room, but I need a space that is mine to retreat to, that I do not share with anyone, where the desk can grow messy without complaint except my own at which point I will clean it. I want to remember my rhythm in the midst of couplehood, I want it to inform that dyad and I want to know when to back down and listen to their rhythm. I want a healthy pairing. I want it to be the soft spot where I land when I return from being in my space, from my travels, my retreats, from work. I want to be held as I grow. I want to hold as they grow. For us to entwined in some places and reach for our own sunlight in others.

In which our heroine rocks

Okay, I am tooting my own horn because I feel good. For over three weeks I have written my morning pages, without missing a day. Sure some of it is me dumping my neuroses on paper but it's better than it just rolling around in my head. This morning I woke after having the most amazing dream; it dripped with rich symbolism and it made me cry with joy at what it showed me about myself. The dream became my morning pages because I don't want to lose it. Ever.

Monday I had a tiny e-article due through this agency I signed up with and I thought I had it half written, stored safely on my computer or on their website. Double no. Instead of panicking, or at least not completely, I got on the stick, did the research and wrote it fresh. Then I received notice that they approved it. No rewrite, no nothing, just approved. Wow. I went to the assignment section and picked another three articles to write.

Yesterday I completed all the work I could do on the database for Greg & Janet, a day early. Today, I wrote and submitted two of those articles I picked up on Monday. They aren't due until March 1st. Who is this efficient person I've become? Seriously it's amazing. I bounced around the house with more joy.

Later while sitting on the couch suddenly in a tiny window pane, level with the floor, was a red tailed hawk settling on a branch. This is the second time while here that I have gotten to see one of these incredible creatures from above. Hawks, specifically red tails, have been showing up consistently, pointedly since March, after I left Dayton. It seems like I should pay attention to what this might mean.

When I was much younger I identified with cats, in many ways I still do. There is a certain understanding with them, a kinship almost. Though a partner, unintentionally on their part, I began an attachment, an resonance with bears, particularly black bears. It seems to fit on many levels.

I just did a search about the meaning of red tailed hawk and the first page I clicked just reeked with meaning, even referencing my dream, goals I have been working towards. The lesson for this totem: "Discover dormant abilities". The red feathers that distinguish them until they reach sufficient maturation. Red was a key color in a piece of my dream this morning. This page talks about kundalini, the unfurling of the energies. Again this references my dream.

Before seeing the hawk, I was so happy from the dream, from delivering work ahead of schedule, for writing two articles in the morning that I felt like I was expanding, soaring. The changes I have been experiencing, the awakenings I have been having are so tremendous. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be made aware of a bird of prey, that something that flies would speak to me, but it seems like that something has shifted. It seems to fit because as BC pointed said:

"moving from thinking you can do something to knowing you can do something is huge - i am proud of you for taking these steps to make your dream reality"

I am almost at the point that I can say aloud that I am proud of, oh hell I can say it. I am proud of the work I've done; moving from a dream to really practice my chosen craft, something I have wanted forever is do breathtaking

It all feels so complete and full, and yet there is still tomorrow.

It lives in the body

For the last few days I had flits of thoughts of happy, butterflies and puppy dog tails, posts but today has kicked all of that out. Truly I have been having some wonderful days, even yesterday but then it hit. Despite feeling really good, despite knowing it was anniversary time, I thought I would escaped unscathed. Oh that damn hubris.

Friday was the one year anniversary of declaring my last relationship over, soon it will be one year since I got in my car and drove out of Dayton with plans only vaguely in place. It has been an amazing journey so far as some of you might know if you've been reading this blog all that time. It's true I did not talk about the problems in the last relationship and I promised that I would not air the contents of what happened. I have, for better or worse, kept that vow I made to myself. There are times I have wanted to spill the vessel of stories, of my truths but I knew there was no way to do that without letting loose something that would then be beyond my control.

Today I crashed, felt this crushing sense of ennui. I have done nothing, sans a load of laundry that still needs to folded. It was a day of random computer games, a bit of clearing out an email box and barely eating. After about 8 hours of this that I realized somewhere in the crevices of my gray matter the truth of the calendar leaked out, leaving lead coursing though my limbs. Deluding myself with how happy I feel so much of the time, I forgot that the body remembers; the body does not need a datebook, it just remembers that a year ago I was in deep grief with a whisper of hope. A year ago I had finally done enough self examination, a few brief but meaningful doses of what could be, that it was time to leave, to move forward. This has happened before, this unconscious act, akin to muscle memory. But I presumed given that I am in such more centered place I could escape such triggers. Again, hubris.

I am humbled to know that I am still earth bound, bound by conventions of human nature, that anniversaries ache no matter how much one thinks they have grieved. So rather than be hammering on myself for what I did not accomplish today I will try to give myself the graciousness I extend to someone in this space.

In which our heroine regains her balance

BC came up on Thursday about noon. In a horrible imitation of all the sappy movies ever shown on L*fetime Telev*sion, I actually came running out the front door to greet her. Yes, I know, it's sickening but after all the craziness of the day before, and three weeks apart, well I was happy to see her.

Even though she had to work, we went to grab some food at the Gilded Otter, and before she settled down to her computer she gave me my first gift - chocolates. And not just any chocolate, but locally made in Cleveland and a hand picked by her assortment which meant half a pound of it was dark chocolate covered caramels. Dinner was a simple trip into town to a Thai restaurant. When we came home, I made a fire and she gathered up blankets for us to lie on. Then she presented me with the rest of my gifts. First was a tiny packet of those infamous candy hearts, so cute. Then a small box that contained a beautiful necklace, a sterling silver mezuzah pendant. This is one of the most touching gifts I have ever received. Following this were three pairs of lacy thongs by one my favorite brands, Felina. Finally an absolutely gorgeous bra and underwear by Chantelle, an new favorite of mine, in a very dark blue and a very graceful lace pattern. The rest of the evening went as one might imagine given a fire, a quiet house alone in the country after three weeks apart.

The next day we met Greg for lunch at the Main Street Bistro, which was so good we thought we might go there for breakfast before she left on Sunday morning. Soon she was back at work. Upon my experience and Greg's recommendation I returned, this time with her to the Northern Spy where we had a very good dinner.

Saturday I took her for my intensive one mile walk which climbs 200 feet in that time. It was good to see that she felt it, which encouraged me that I am not a total wimp. We decided to wander around town and see what there was to gaze upon. We wandered in an independent bookstore, which taught us more about each other; a runner shop, where she found some nice accessories; a hippy shop where we found earrings for me and a great tye dye for The Kid. Finally in the end we wandered into Water Street Market where we had a fun looking a number of shops. We were both heavily tempted by the hand hammered singing bowls from the Himalayan Shop. Finally we were entranced by the many artists at Eden, at least that's what I think the name is. I want to go back, often because there is so much to look at. Again here we learned more about each other's tastes. In particular we were both charmed and enamored by Sticks work. Also there was Elliott Metal Art that was compelling to both of us. There was a lot of great jewelry, and of course I looked at most of it but one artist was unique and grabbed the attention of both of us, in the end I left with a ring by Christophe Poly that I am very happy with. After much indecision and the randomness of the universe we would up at an amazing place in town for dinner. Since it was Valentine's weekend they had a special dessert on the menu - two red velvet cupcakes served on a platter slathered with ganache. What a lovely and unique couple dessert.

On Sunday after breakfast at the Bistro (this place is truly awesome) BC left and I crashed, fairly literally. I took a huge nap, went to sleep at a reasonable hour, and on Monday I felt so drained, low energy. Upon reflection there was so much going on that I needed to recover from. Except for a five minute conversation with the snow plow guy I had not talked face to face with anyone from Friday afternoon until she arrived so I suspect I was a bit on overload. Also our time together was amazing, close, easy, romantic and I felt totally open. Usually after time together I have been traveling to other people, never having a lot of silence, this time there was nothing but me. I have not mastered this transition yet, it is still new. Rather than berate myself for not doing more, I did what I was moved to, gave myself the grace of finding my way again.

Today, I was much more on target and despite another set back with the car (the emergency brake would not release, ending my plans to work at Sunny's) I regrouped quickly, felt back in my pace. I am still learning so much about myself through this time. At this point I am my third week of doing my morning pages as part of my work with The Artist's Way and I keep digging around, finding interesting things that are living in my brain. Sometimes it feels like doing therapy with myself and it blows my mind. There are mornings I wander around after finishing my three journal pages saying Wow a lot. It's good. I'm good. Life is good. BC and I are good.

In which our heroine lose her mind and finds an answer

It has been a crazy day, really. I woke with total joy as BC was driving today to come see me; to visit this little paradise I have been inhabiting. Yesterday I was so productive that I was very ready for her to be here. So ready on so many levels: it's been three weeks since I have seen her; I miss looking into her eyes and feeling her soft skin; the peaceable silence we have when each of us are working; and yes I have missed the more private moments of loud, passionate, sex.

The weather was not cooperating, not in the least, with a big storm system shutting down major roads and airports. After leaving later than expected, striving mightily on a major highway that was down to one lane, she wisely decided to stop trying to barrel through. Based on our phone call I had thought she was going to turn around and at the first chance pull off to a motel to sit the storm out until morning. While flipping channels I stopped on that channel that only geeks watch by the hour, you know the one, where I learned that they had shut down part of 80 East because of a huge car pile up in Pennsylvania. My mind began racing, now I was grateful that she had left so much later than planned or she could have been in that crash. Foolishly I stayed glued to the channel longer than I should have, plus I started checking weather reports on the web randomly covering all the miles between here and there.

Time passed without me noticing until suddenly I did. It had been well over an hour since our call and I had not heard from her. Thoughts began just at the edges of my mind, dropping tiny "what ifs" into my consciousness. Later I tried calling and did not reach her. The clock continued to move until the thoughts got louder, began taunting me with the possibility of terrible things, that just as I was finding myself at the precipice of a happy healthy relationship, it would be ripped away from me. Yes I realized I was being dramatic but I also know that I function better if I plan out the worst to try to picture how I will get past it.

The truth is after almost three hours and no response to my calls full on paranoia set in. My googling skills failed me as I searched madly for a way to locate accident information on highways. I searched for hospitals in the area and actually called two to see if she had been taken there after running her cute but winter incompetent car off the road. Did I mention I was aware I had run amok? I wondered who would know to contact me if something did in fact happen; would I be allowed back in the house, could I collect something meaningful to me that was hers to hold tight forever. I tried to distract myself with games on the computer, aimlessly internet shop, and tried talking myself out of this crazyville I had thrown myself into.

When the phone rang with her distinct ring tone I felt almost like I would crumple onto the floor. I don't think I realized how brittle with tension my body had become. In the end she wound up driving all the way back home, she was tired, pissed, sad and hungry. She did not even think I would be worried, probably because she was feeling so thwarted and frustrated. My response was less than grateful; I felt like one of those mothers who's child finally gets home and while hugging them, crying with joy is screaming that if they do that again she will kill them.

In reflecting on all of this it became clear why people rush into relationships, why they move in immediately, wed impetuously. The 'what if' is the pit in our belly, the insecurity of loss, of being forgotten, or being replaced. We want to know we have a place, we want that place recognized, both in the private realm (family and friends) and the larger circle (work, neighborhood, church of choice). We want our relationship to be acknowledged, we don't want to be left behind, we want to belong to someone; so we bond, sometimes bond badly, too soon, without enough thought which leads us to do it again and again. We need to find the strength in ourselves, the strength that tells us we are important on our own, that we will rise above loss, before we bond again, so that perhaps we can choose with greater wisdom, so we don't rush a relationship as to allow it to bloom as nature meant, not as a forced bloom shining out of season, out of rhythm.

I will not force this relationship into one, short and lovely flower that cannot take root and grow. When I feel panicked about the future, I will think about how lovely it is when a plant takes roots, when it spreads and grows with the right care. It becomes an integral part of the landscape, offers a home to critters, and is beautiful in its own right just because it there.

Fly Away Home

Ladybug ladybug
Fly away home
Your house is fire
And your children are all gone

I am safe and fine but I learned that the house I owned in Northampton is gone. Not through fire but through demolition. A friend wrote to tell me that it is totally different, set further back from the road, turned ninety degrees. The news blew me away, left me feeling shaky, like the ground had moved underneath me and now there is less of it there. It is like a further unlinking, disconnection from my past, marking how much has changed in my life since I left there on September 10, 2001.

It wasn't my idea to buy a house, it was M's (an ex), it was her parents' gift of money that was the down payment that put us in the market. I knew it was a mistake, that getting deeper in with her was not a good idea. The house was not particularly cute, the only appealing place was the back porch - that back porch was a haven for me throughout the time I lived there. When the inside with it's semi-done renovation annoyed me, when the lack of gracious architectural details galled me, when I was angry, when I was sad, when I was peaceful - there was the back porch warm like a blanket, snug like a slipper molded to your foot with it's view of woods, a giant oak tree, my porch held me.

When I realized I was leaving is when I realized how attached I was to this place, my first true home. Not because I bought it, not because I remortgaged it on my own after M and I split (I ended things just about one year from when we purchased it) but partly because it was the longest I had lived anywhere in my entire life. 18 Winslow Avenue was my home for nine years. It's hard to remember but I think the next longest I lived at one address was four, maybe five years. I have moved over thirty times but here was this ugly duckling that I made into a cozy nest and I didn't realize it until I needed to leave it. In the last few months I lived there Chris and I worked round the clock to fix it up; finally I had wood trim in my living room, my new countertop in the kitchen, the sweet wood brackets to the wide gaping doorway to soften the look and so the chi would flow better.

Before I knew I was leaving, I finally had the front garden the way I had pictured, immature but on it's way. Tears streamed down my face as I picked lettuce knowing I would not be there to do it next season. Every day for three weeks once the decision to move was made I cried. It took all my energy not to deck the realtor I thought was amazing when she told me I had to change things.

Now it's gone. My first thought when I heard was about sheet rocking the living room. January 1994 Chris and I were adding quarter inch sheet rock to the measly, dented, ripped wall that existed underneath the 70's wood paneling I had finally ripped off after attempting to paint over at least twice. It was the early days of our relationship and I was terribly happy, still feeling burdened by having a house I could not afford but glad I was able to make it nicer nonetheless. In a fit of giggly romance I grabbed a bottle of red nail polish and wrote our initials with a heart on the old wall - it was a silly thing that would never be seen. And now that wall, the symbol of my past is a pile of rubble.

Each summer when I pass through I visit my neighbor, the one right next door. I cannot imagine what it will feel like to be there and the little, nondescript white house that held no charm but that I nurtured into a home filled with my own kind of magic, made into a place where people felt welcome, that often could not hold all the laughter that was created there will be gone. There will be a hole in the ground that only I can see, that will make only me weep with knowledge that I have moved on.

In which our heroine enjoys solitutde

I've been alone in this house for a week, and what an awesome week it's been. No seriously, I am loving being alone a lot, a lot. Joe left last Thursday morning, that night I built my first fire. Sure I use a half of a started brick but it still takes attention to make these things work. Every night I have lit the stove, some night going easier than others but I love it.

On Friday I started doing the morning pages from The Artist Within book and already I have made some good insights, venting, it's just been good practice. I never did get around to the artist date, and today I finally finished reading the first week chapter but I did do three of the exercises from the Workbook. I call the week a success.

Later on Friday I picked Greg and Janet so all of us could visit with Alex and Allyson Gray, where we also got a personal tour of CoSM their amazing project, community hub in process. After a lovely visit we drove to High Falls to have a fabulous dinner at Northern Spy, a restaurant that Greg thinks I should introduce to BC. We stayed up way too late chatting, given that we had an early morning hike scheduled with Matt and Chris LaBarca. I confess that I was hesitant about the walk given the forecasted single digit temperatures. Given my commitment to not be defined but presumed limitations I headed out with the boys (Janet decided on quiet time). I am so glad I went, even though I haven't looked at the photos I took yet. The cold was not so bad and I was proud of myself for not giving into my negative voice.

We swung by so Greg and Janet could pack up before we all headed to the Egg's Nest for a hearty brunch. While we were still at the house I had a moment of panic because I was enjoying the company and knew I would soon be alone. Instead of giving into fear of solitude, of feeling lonely I decided to be in the moment - another common mantra of these last nine or ten months. It turned out I loved it, and have cherished every moment alone since.

In addition to writing every morning, I have gone for a walk, one with a significant incline every morning, except yesterday because I headed out early for a day with Sunny. Once I return I often do push ups or weights or stretch a bit. This morning I toyed with not going, instead I changed my route to a more challenging one. During the walk back (down hill how I love you) I realized that I had not truly answered one of the exercised from the work book so I pushed myself so that when I returned home I amended what I had written. Once back at the driveway I was smiling, feeling good, glad I pushed myself to head out. I have been eating extremely well since being here as well.

I am loving finding my own rhythm and feel incredibly blessed to have this time in this lovely place (I will post photos soon) to dig into myself deeper, to make friends with myself. Instant messaging earlier today with BC, she wrote "I love you" and I realized that I was close to being able to say that to myself. This is amazing. It feels so tentative, moreso than with a lover or close friend. It is terrifying and exciting to think I might say that to myself and really mean it, without a codicil of 800 pages of except for, only when etc. Peace within is something that cannot be overestimated but is hard to achieve.

In the early dark light

Sitting here watching the light change, darkening early with the storm of snow drifting in heavier once again, I am enjoying knowing that I am alone, completely right now. It is a lovely combination, no reason to leave this house right now, except perhaps to walk the tenth of a mile to the mailbox, so I can just sit, and zone out, contemplate, watch tv, read, nap, work, or pet the cat. It is a sweet freedom for which I am grateful.

It is a unique confluence of opportunities that has put me here, where I can ponder, reflect and check my center after a delightful, sometimes challenging long visit with BC. We had eight weeks together, doing various holidays where we recreated old traditions and began to carve out new ones together - testing the waters of what a family together might look like. We even had the opportunity to experience a family vacation by going to Disney World, under the guise of BC running the marathonroller coasters for the first time defying my decades old stance of I don't like them, don't do them, have no interest. It turns out they are fun and I rode them like they were nothing. Few screams of alarm leapt out of my mouth, but essentially I just simply enjoyed the sensations. I also challenge my identity of "I don't like amusement parks." It is true they are never going to be my first choice but I can learn how to loosen up and enjoy the moment, especially when with BC and TK.

Since leaving last Tuesday morning it has been a world wind of traveling about. I discovered that I can make the eight hour drive from Cleveland Heights to Brooklyn in one day and not be totally drained. Yeah me! In Brooklyn I stayed with Greg and Janet, working with them on the new database and other business things. We went to see The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. It's been at least a century since I was there! The movie was a visual delight and there was some interesting twists through the psych of various players. As someone who did not really track Heath Ledger's career or death I did not find the interesting device that was created by his absence distracting or hard to sit with, I found it compelling.

Friday I drove to New Paltz to pick up Hrana on the way to 9 Mountain for the DNE Visioning Weekend in Plainfield MA. First we did some shopping at Trader J*e's, stopped for dinner at Paul and Elizabeth's in Northampton, and then hit Dance Spree. I reached 9 Mountain about 12:30am. The weekend was full, fun, loving, and interesting. Getting to spend time with folks that I usually only see once a year was such a delight, it's hard to express how much it satiates my soul to see them. Sunday, after dark I drove to Sunny's so I could accompanying her for an 8:30am appt for an out patient procedure in Manhattan, which took a good portion of the day (she's fine by the way). Wednesday I drove up to New Paltz to arrive at this lovely place and began to settle in for the next month.

Of course true to form my schedule is fuller than I originally had envisioned. Tomorrow I pick up Greg and Janet to visit Alex and Allyson Gray's property in New Hamburg. The weekend after next I will return to Western MA for the DNE budget meeting. A few days after that BC will visit which will be nice after so much time apart.

In the meantime I need to learn how to create a new layout in FileMaker, follow up on a few web based writing opportunities, do my own writing work (I finally bought The Artist's Way after thinking about it for a decade), knit, read, continue to train for my hike and my health, stay in touch with friends, make weekly visits to Sunny for work, etc etc!

While writing this the light has lightened, darkened back up, and is now brighter. The windows to the right of where I sit have a more glow like quality visible as the sun is veiled by thinner clouds and begins to shift downward. Perhaps in the next few hours I will build my first fire, as in the first time I will do this completely by myself, there is no one but myself to lean on. I am loving my approach of just trying things, dropping away the walls that have phrases like, "I might fail," "I can't," "I don't know how," "I'm too scared to try," etched into them. There will be times I will stumble, by blocked by those walls, but it is just temporary, I have the ability to find a way around or through them. This is my mantra.

Now to the southwest there are patches of blue and sunlit clouds.

Looking through the glass

The rise and fall of days are often measured by the small things. Separating folded laundry: mine, BC's, and The Kid's; days when The Kid is here, often sweet, often too loud, and a lot of fun; days when she is not, grateful for the adult time, relishing the quiet, and missing her; BC and I cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, the rhythm set with ease, few words needed and it gets done quickly.

During this long stay with BC, I find myself stunned at how much I can feel sad at The Kid's departures, how much her stories about life at her other mom's home can pull at me which leaves me wondering about how much it must stab at BC. At other moments I count the days or even hours before the house goes still again. On Christmas Eve were at Uncle J's house with all his kids and an assortment of other guests. The Kid got hurt playing with one of her cousins, twisted her ankle in an odd way - her cousin fell on her (they were playing horse and rider). The next morning, after opening presents (how fun is that to do with a kid who thinks everything they get is awesome!), BC decided she should be looked at by a professional. Calling the other mom, the three go off to the ER, which is how it should be. It was odd to be left at home, presents unwrapped, no one here, and knowing that The Kid would not come home since noon was when she would do her second Christmas at her other home. Luckily there were no breaks, she came back with a boot and crutches (a totally cool thing to the almost 9 year old). It felt odd not to continue to take care of her, to not be able to check the swelling. But the time alone with BC was just as precious. This conflux of emotions is my daily bread now.

Tonight I heard the car struggling up our snowy drive (BC has a tiny car and probably should have taken my work horse) and I moved to the back door in the kitchen. Turning on the outside lights I waited as they unloaded themselves in the garage. Looking out the sliding doors I noticed night sky, the light falling snow caught in the bright lights, and the snow drifts on the deck obscuring the bench, covering the green plastic Adirondack chairs and found myself smiling. This is not exactly the life I pictured for myself - living in essentially a suburb, waiting for my partner and child to come in from the cold, being happy to see them even though I am sick. And yet this may exactly where I belong, where I feel at home. These are my thoughts in the few moments between the car pulling into the garage and walking to the door to greet them, where I swept The Kid into my arms and swung her around. Just because.

Running into 2010

Like Britn*y Spear*, "Oops I did it again," by pushing the wrong button on the treadmill. And once again I did not cancel out the setting. Once again I did 1.5 miles in 30 minutes this way. Here I will treat to you some of my mutterings (forgoing all the times I said "fuck!" during this event:

I can't believe I am doing this again. Why?

BC asked the other day if I felt like I could do anything now that I had done that walk/run thing the other day. Thinking long and hard, my answer was no. I was still too stunned that I had done it, too focused on how much I wanted to cry the whole time I was on the tread, too unclear on what it all meant.

So why am I doing this again, seriously? I don't like it, I am not enjoying it. My knee and ankle are hurting.

Come on there has to be a reason, besides being stubborn.

Ow (knee really hurt for a moment there).

Okay, so why are you doing this?
I don't know.
You must have some idea.
Because I don't want to be defined by fear.

Damn this sucks.

At least I am not using the hand holds this time, and I am not hunching over the during the walk segments.

I like doing things that are hard, that are good for me. Like leaving bad relationships, like taking a risk on this one. There is no way to know the future, all we have is right now. The only thing we can control is how we act, whether we grow. We can influence and hope to intervene others' behaviors and actions but it is only ourselves that we have any governance over.

There is no way I can do 45 minutes, okay I will try for a mile.

I want to stop but I have to make a real attempt.

If I keep doing this I am going to need a sports bra (said as I held my breasts during a run segment, and oh hell how did they get this large???)

Again why am I doing this?
Because I need to learn how to leave the ground, and yes I am referring to more than physically. I need to push myself past the "I can'ts".

I have to not be limited by the things I can do well. You can't become good at new things without starting out doing them badly. Practice is how you get better. I have to be willing to suck, to do things badly, to face that I don't know things.

This hurts.

I still don't know why am doing this.

Okay fine I will a mile and a half, I think I can do that. I just can't do 45 minutes of this. My knee still hurts.

At least I didn't feel like crying the whole time.

Running out on 2009

To say that 2009 was a big year could be interpreted as an understatement. For the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about where I was a year ago and how much has changed, how different my life is in a year's time. Last year in late autumn, early winter I was miserable, deeply unhappy, feeling helpless. Now I feel like I have taken my life more in hand. That is not to say that all is perfect - nirvana is a goal, it's a process not an actual state, at least for me right now.

Yesterday I decided to squeeze in some time on the treadmill because like nirvana, working towards better health, greater discipline, and more meditation is my process. BC had mentioned that when time is short for a workout that if I did hill work it would kind of count double, with that I mind I set the machine for "mountain climb" and thirty minutes, where normally I usually do an hour or more.

A few minutes into the work out I discovered I pushed the wrong button and hit "interval" instead. Turns out that means that every minute and a half the speed jumps up 2 miles per hour for thirty seconds. What does that mean? It means one has to run. However I have steadfastly maintained that I.Do.Not.Run.Period. So what did I do? I who am for the first time ever partnered with a competitive runner? I who am reading my second Runner's World cover to cover to understand her obsession, to learn tips that she might not have seen? I ran. God help me, I ran. Every minute and a half, holding onto the hand holds for dear life, feeling panicked and breathing hard, I ran for thirty endless seconds.

I was grateful that I had closed to door as I muttered "fuck" more than once during those thirty second intervals and The Kid was in the next room. Why didn't I stop, why didn't I restart the program? I don't know but I just felt like I had started something and I had to finish, had to see what happened. I could say that about a lot of the last year - trying to give my all, working towards change, doing scary things. But why running? Why this day? Why confront my mortal enemy? A day later I still don't know. I spent most of the time dreading the next running piece, my knee started aching earlier than usual, my shin spoke sharply to me, and I felt like crying, especially when the tread rotated faster. It felt like a deep well of sad or hurt, or something being poked at, it felt scary. And yet I finished the session.

When it was over my chest ached as if I had cried, or maybe like I was holding back tears. Standing still, holding my face in my hands, my breathing a bit ragged and still feeling totally bewildered, I noticed this tiny seed of pride that despite the pain, fear, my stance of "I am not a runner, I will not run" that I managed to push myself this tiny bit into the discomfort, into this strange land.

BC was happy and proud when I said "I ran." My response? "You actually like doing this?" She insisted I ice my knee, so I gave into the caring response, again not my usual thing. The shower felt good. I dressed for our New Year's Eve gathering and came downstairs, grimacing a bit on the stairs to finish laying out the food. We didn't talk about it again, I didn't tell anyone what I had done. In fact I mostly lost track of it but when I remembered my thought was "why did I do that", and "I have no intention of doing that again." But is that true? Mostly I think it is because seriously I'm not sure which was worse the physical discomfort or the emotional. On the other hand how does one go backwards from confronting a fear, a hard limit that suddenly has the smallest bit of flex? I don't have an answer and since today is a rest day in my training I also do not have to face it. Not today. Maybe not tomorrow or even next month but on the other hand even if I never run again something is changed forever. It is hard to define it or even describe it, something about doing something that is completely counter to how you define yourself, to what you think is possible for you to do, it moves something deeply internal. The shift is tiny, but like the butterfly effect, you never know how a small movement or gesture will reshape the future into something different than would have never been without it.