The first of my sins

It’s true, it might even be obvious. I am greedy.

Sometimes my greed is simply and ordinary – I want more shoes, I pour over handbags on the computer, or even more basic I want more money because while it can’t, or shouldn’t buy love, it does buy some peace of mind.

Deeper down what I yearn for, what there is never enough of, is love. It is why it’s so hard to stay single. It’s part of why I like flirting – flirting is like small droplets of love, never enough to quench one’s thirst but it is so good one can forget how unquenchable their need is for a brief moment.

Since embarking on my latest journey, a sort of quest of myself even, I have been reminded of the love of family and friends almost daily. It is like a drug, a highly addictive drug. This is not bad, I do not even think I am unusual in this greed, this insatiable need, it consumes all of us, though perhaps some of us are more cognizant of its role. Many times I have painfully aware of how it runs my operating system. This time around however I hope to use it to better myself, to stop trying to fighting my need others, that I need their love, their adoration. This time I’d like to be more aware of disbursing what I need and receive in an outward direction more gracefully, more consciously of this innate drive we all share. I want to appreciate daily the love I have in my life, to have more faith that it will not all suddenly shrivel up and retreat from me. The last few months I have received a precious gift of acknowledgment and support, and yes love of friends and family; I have received amazing reconnections with people; I have been reminded how long some dear ones have been in my life and despite long bouts of absence there is no change in our feelings, in our connection.

I have been blessed; in fact I have been for a very long time. I am grateful for my blessings as I am grateful for the difficult times – they are both tools of teaching, of self knowledge, both lead towards enlightenment. I am not aiming to be the next Buddha, or even a bodhisattva but I do think part of our role in life is to strive towards that place of graciousness, of loving non-attachment, to see the light in everyone, of becoming more peaceful and complete within ourselves. So I will use my greed in the most positive ways I can find – to gather more love in order to distribute it widely with great passion towards others, to offer support and hope, to walk the right path for me.

(Just one version/image of a dharma wheel)

Another Journey

Just got on the bus to leave the Jersey Shore and am immediately feeling sad, or something akin to sad. Melancholy might be better description. Wish I knew why. I suppose it could be one less adventure to look forward to and a sign that the summer is closing in on me. However that is not really a bad thing is it? I suppose there will be less traveling here and there, bouncing from one site to another come fall. Perhaps the downside to that is it means I need to figure out my next steps more fully, be less carefree. This is not really bad, right? Somebody tell me it’s not.

Perhaps it’s an artifact of having just been talking about my ex, her geekyness, which often brings up sadness at something that has completely been dismantled, and the hurt I feel over it. There is a lot of self examination that needs to still happen there as I would like to learn from this and not repeat things.

My friend Deb, who I was just visiting, queried me about what I have to learn from this experience. We talked about our patterns about the partners we choose. There is something about her geekyness which is similar to my father was my short answer. “Ah so you were working through that”, was her response. I reflected about my last three relationships and thought about how in some ways I had gone through all three of my parents’ various traits – good and bad, in them. Maybe I’m done? Maybe I’m ready for something different? Something a bit healthier? That would be nice. Really nice in fact. Not that everything was bad in the last three. That is certainly not the case. Okay M was and still is really crazy, but I learned a lot about myself and I did have some good fun. C was wonderful in so many ways, it’s a shame that it couldn’t last. Her geekyness, well, there was some awesomeness there and I did learn a lot through this experience. I just wish some of it didn’t have to be so damn painful. Right now I am really relishing not living with anyone, not being in constant negotiation around decisions, travel plans, and money.

There is still much work for me to do on myself and I suppose the good thing about settling down a bit more is that I can find a therapist to dig a little deeper, maybe work on changing the tapes in my head some more. Maybe find a yoga class to work on another level of peace within. And a gym, or dance classes. I suppose finding more work will be first on the list in order to pay for all this good self improvement stuff, huh? Yeah, a job. Anyone know of anything? Seriously I have a lot skills, so email me if you know of anything in NYC or something that can be done telecommuting especially. Thanks!

The latest scoop

I know, I know. It's been a long time. NCDC camp was great, well except for people gettting sick, it ending, and things like that. I returned briefly to Berkeley - like for 36 hours or something ridiculous like that as I remember, staying again with Glamour Girl. I was fortunate enough to see Jennie for dinner one last time before I left - it's hard being far away from great friends.

Landing in NY on June 30th at night, I crashed with Greg & Janet for again about 36 hours before Greg and I left for a 4 day conference in New Jersey. After that, um. Work appointment. Dinner with a dear old friend who I will probably be sharing an apartment with come September - it's amazing how the universe work. I added him to an email asking for a place to crash for a few days in NY, not expecting an answer at all. Instead I connected with someone I haven't seen in a decade, having a fabulous dinner together and a likely home base come fall!

Had a new friend come to town for a great weekend visit where we went to the Salmagundi Club for a reception and to pick up Greg's painting that had been on display there. Also we hit Barefoot Boogie which I haven't been to in FOREVER. My good pal Michael Hayes was djing which was a treat. I haven't see him in about two years so it was really good to touch base a bit. Then I headed up to Croton to see Sunny and take care of car stuff. DMV's are such a lovely place, not. Lots of go rounds because my name is not identical on all my documents. Then the Purple Beast went to the shop for lots of repairs. Apparently as I suspected she was in major trouble and actually had been dangerous to drive. So glad she didn't fall apart when Lindsay and Sunny borrowed her.

Sunday Greg and I went to Coney Island to meet up with Janet and her friend Joseph. Had a lovely, leisurely dinner right on the boardwalk watching the surf. After that we had a long walk on the boardwalk and beach back to Joseph's car. And I do mean a LONG walk, 2 miles. If I were a good blogger I would upload the night photos I took.

Then last Sunday my laptop died, well became morbidly ill and I spend all of Monday choosing, buying, and getting data transferred. Bummer in some ways (like spending a ton of money!) but this new one is lovely. This caused a delay in my trip to the Jersey shore (which is where I am as I type) one day. It's been great fun hanging with my friend Deb and her daughters who are a delight. Yesterday we spent several hours on the beach which was really nice - haven't done that in years. Today was a lovely rainy, windy day. Tomorrow I head back to NYC. Saturday I go for the weekend back to Sunny's then back to NYC on Sunday until Thursday when I fly out of town again.

During all of this I have been working on loose ends for NCDC and toiling away for DNE which starts the evening of August 14th!!! Crazy. After camp I hope to spend a few days to a week in Northampton catching up with old friends before some settling down in Manhattan and more travels I'm sure.

So that's the news for now!