General follow-up but not a lot of follow-through

I had an enormous to do list before heading to the east coast. In fact I write this entry while on the first leg of the journey. It would please me no end to report that I had accomplished, even with great mediocrity rather perfection, all the items on my list. But alas, I cannot.

However, I did do many of the Very Important Things. And several more will be completed during my trip.

I thought we had a housesitter all set, but she backed out. Not that we were sad, as she would not have loved on our cats that way they need. Not at all. But that left us, as of August 8 without someone to watch the house and all the cats. Luckily and with the graces of the gods and goddess, Wyatt was all taken care of thanks to Piccolo's mom. In a few hours he will be staying with his beloved Piccolo for the entire time. Do we owe Ruth big time? Oh yeah. Even before this we have many times thought how lucky we are to have her and Piccolo in our lives, how much better Wyatt’s life is because of it. But this, this is just too incredible. Finally, on Monday as in just 4 days ago we had this wonderful, passionate, creative woman cross our threshold all set to take on the challenge of the cat crew. A deep breath of relief settled over both of us.

The cat crew has expanded it appears. As I hang my head in embarrassment, despite very solid efforts to find homes for Sanaa Bella and Marcel Dupree, they seemed to have claimed our home as theirs. What’s that you say, not only did we name them but gave them middle names, we simply cursed yourselves. Perhaps. The reality is we are both in love with them, with each of us having one that has especially placed a tiny paw print on our hearts. Besides Atticus would have been beside himself if they left. No really! Yes, he’s our jealous, very attached one who we were sure would hate hate hate the beasts. But he has totally taken on the big brother role – grooming them, playing with them, and sleeping with them. The positive take on them staying is Atty would have been beside himself with loneliness with us and Wyatt gone but now he will be just fine. Yeah, I know, keep telling yourself it’s all about Atty. But, but that is a factor. I swear it is!

I haven’t made any affirmations for around the house, but I found a cool bumper sticker whose image I have made my desktop image, so it’s a start. Also, once again, I have proved to myself that talking out loud and having things affirmed and validated go a long way. It could be that I’ve just been too fricking busy in the last 10 days, but I would swear I’ve been obsessing less. I know. It hardly seems possible. On some level it appears I took L’s directive to heart to be more compassionate with myself and haven’t been riding myself so hard around food choices, giving myself permission to just eat what I feel like, even if I’m not hungry and I just want it. It’s a little like what I tried years ago based on reading, hm, what was that book called? Overcoming Overeating? It’s by two women (I know, what a fluke). Damn, this must have been back in 1990-92, somewhere in there. Of course, now as then, I am worried I will gain weight – the last thing I want to do in all this – but hell I gained the weight back I lost 2.5 years ago while seemingly monitoring and limiting, so what the hell.

Sure it would have been better to deal with the stress of the last week another way than eating what I felt like but one thing at a time. So I am back to trying to decriminalize food, eat what I crave, concentrate on when I’m full, pay attention to how specific food makes me feel physically after eating, and not beating myself up over less than ideal choices.

So now it is late Saturday night and I am finally posting, that tells you something about the last 48 hours.

The Ice(wo)an Cometh

The day has come when TGF found the ice. It was last Saturday (yes I know I haven’t blogged in forever –I’ve been busy people. BUSY I tell you).

Saturday after great anticipation we headed down to the Belmont ice rink and met up with Jennie, from whom TGF was to borrow much clothing, all of it seemingly padded. Jennie played the patient dresser, though she was distracted a bit and at one point while she elsewhere, TGF and I were perplexed trying to determine which article of “gear” was to be put on next.

Out from the cavernous bag that holds hockey equipment, Jennie pulls her famous black bandana. TGF proceeds to fold it up to put in on headbanger/rocker style but Jennie interrupts the process to say that she “wears it aunt jemina style” because it catches the sweat better. TGF swears that she never sweats, not even when pitching three games in a row in 115 degrees in Arizona back when she was on a traveling fast pitch softball team (anyone dozing off here? I think I started to at that moment because well, have I heard this before? Yes, yes I have.) Being the gracious “Give Hockey a Try Day” participant, she listens to the experienced player. After about 2 hours of dressing time, okay not really but you get the idea, she makes her way to the rink and onto the ice. I admit it, I’m smiling. A lot. Our good friend Liz is one of the coaches, and after they split the women into rank beginners and “you’ve done this before” groups, turns out Liz is on her side of the rink! Jennie is terribly excited and manages to take some really great shots of TGF.

Once back in the lobby of the rink TGF exclaims “I’m soaked!” Aha! Yeah, so much for “southern women do not sweat”. Playing hockey you are encased in so much gear its impossible not sweat. Hell I imagine just standing still one could work up at least a glow just trying to stand with all that extra weight. The inevitable question of “Well, did you like it” was answered by her telling everyone who would listen for a moment that she smiled the entire time. This was followed by her perusing the used goods that are sold at the event for huge discounts. And I do mean HUGE. For $63 we got skates, hockey pants, gloves, chest protector thingy and a hockey bag that is even good colours for her. I tried finding skates my size. No, I have no intention of playing hockey, I’m not a team sport kind of girl, but I thought it would be fun to learn how to skate and we could go the to Oakland rink together so she could get more comfortable on the ice. I didn’t have any luck so I will have to keep looking around. Before anyone accuses me of having to do something because TGF is doing it, I repeat I will not be playing hockey, and learning to skate has been on my agenda (which like the “gay agenda” is ever changing but always referred to with a knowing nod of the head) for years. By years, I mean at least 15.

Afterwards a big crew of us went out to Hot Pot City for a loud and raucous dinner. We didn’t get home until about 11:30pm.

During the skate time, Jennie asked me – “So ya gonna be a hockey wife? Huh? Are you?” That question has been firmly answered. I just need to get in touch with my inner cheerleader to spur my girl on and my inner jock so I learn the rules to make sure I don’t cheer at the wrong time. The other great thing I determined is the Belmont Rink is near that great thrift store I found in January, and Creative Hands knitting shop. Oh yeah, I’ll be suffering.

On a yarnish note

Skein Lane is closing and in attempt to stem my feelings of grief I have been shopping. Yesterday, as a gift to myself for tackling T-Day I came home with:

2 hanks of Elsebeth Lavold Silky Wool, colour 34. This is for TGF, a great colour for her. I was thinking about a scarf, or maybe a cowl. I found this great pattern for a cowl but it asks for a bulky yarn. This pattern is too lacey for her, but would be nice to make for someone. I think I will hunt for a few more hanks of this colour. Jennie showed me this great leaf scarf pattern in a book, can't remember the name but she has a copy of the pattern. I think it would look fabulous in this yarn. Like autumn in Vermont.

3 hanks of Cascade 220 The Heathers colour 4001 - Bluestone, a sort of gray with a hint of steely blue. Actually one skein is marked “The Heathers” one dye lot and the other two aren’t and also a different dye lot. I think I can get away with it.

1 hank of Cascade 220 colour 9475 - Plum, a purplish burgundy, hard to describe.

I think I have enough to make this, assuming of course that I want to make it for me.

1 hank of Cascade 220 The Heathers colour 2448 - Mallard, a rich blue with a touch of teal. TGF thinks it would be a good colour for a hat for her mom, something TFGÂ’s mom wanted after seeing the hat I made TGF. I think there might be enough to make matching mittens. Not that I have any clue as to how to make mittens or how they would turn out, but what's life without a challenge.

Araucanian Moments, a collection of handknit designs for the family in the hand-dyed yarns from araucania, where a bunch of the linked patterns are from.

Flen head wrap would be nice for Sunny

TGF liked the Green Cables, though I’m not sure she like it for herself as it’s a bit frilly at the bottom. I said, “Well I could change the bottom. Ha. I like I know enough about knitting to do that.” She responded that everything I had made was just beautiful. She is such a keeper.

Vansboro – TGF thinks it would accentuate, er, certain body parts she favors on me.

I returned again the shop today! Yes, I know, itÂ’s crazy, I shouldnÂ’t but there you go.

Susan Bates circular size 10, 24 inch for $4.76. Based on JennieÂ’s (this is her knitting blog, different from the link in the previous post) praise I bought Daisy circulars in size 13, 29 inch for $6.32.

Scored two little skeins of Cascade Yarn Pearls, in colour 2612. They were $4.75 each before the 20% discount. I think it will make a sweet little scarf. I will have to swatch it and see what happens. Lacey, openwork type of pattern I think. I'm open to suggestions. I suppose I will need to try to find more skeins. This pattern is nice but calls for many more yards than I have.

The prize of the day was the Bouton dÂ’Or, Liaka colour 338 at 50% off! It was $4.00 (originally $9) a ball, so I bought 10, hoping itÂ’s enough for a sweater. For me! I think I probably have pattern that would work somewhere around here.

I keep looking at the sock yarns they have but I don't know. I have also thought about using the yarn to make something else, but what? This thought, uttered out loud, sparked a delightful conversation between myself and a staff person at Skein Lane, named Darius. Darius asked my name as he remembered helping previously. I said, yes I believe you did but it was quite sometime ago. He responded that he always remembers the short cute ones. Made my day.

Now if I could only find time to knit.

T-Day

Yesterday was T-day. Talk day. Therapy day. Not that other one, thanksgiving where you, well I, get to see relatives and enjoy them along with great food. To sum the session up: I have never used so many tissues during a session.

L was great, as expected. She validated that, yes I do have an eating disorder, or more specifically perhaps a thought disorder. Confirmed that it was both bigger and smaller than I thought it was. I’m sorry, did I ask for a zen koan? I’m pretty sure not. Joking aside I know what she means. It confirmed that I really need to figure out how to get a refill for my happy pills, as that creates a better baseline for me to deal with things.

I really do see this and some other issues as overlapping circles – eating disorder, perfectionism, depression. They each have some things that are specific to them, but they really cannot be totally separated out from each other.

The prescription she gave consists almost entirely of learning self-compassion. I asked for a lesson plan but was told there is none. How unfair is that? I mean, seriously, how do I start. Sure on some plane I know what needs to be done. I know to start small. But what does small look like, and can I do it without judging myself for forgetting or going slowly (perfectionism anyone?). We talked about what being mentally healthier would look like and of course she said it could very possibly include not being any smaller than I am now. You just know don’t you what I thought, right? So why would I bother getting “healthier” if I don’t get to be the size I think I ought to be? Which I might add I have adjusted tremendously from the goal weight I use to have. I have long since given up ever being 100lb, 110lb. It took awhile but I have, I hope, completely given up 120. Which given that I can’t get back to where I was two years, which was 120 plus a very healthy toddler or two worth of weight, this is very wise and bordering on sanctimonious (second definition of course) of me, I think. I’m sure you agree.

So I have begun to think about the small steps I can take, and I’m afraid y’all will have to suffer through me thinking these things out and hearing me rant about how it doesn’t work and it’s going all too slowly. The most obvious and hardest is to interrupt the disordered thinking. To shut it down before it finishes when possible. To make a soothing counterpoint statement when I cannot stop the thought. To find nice things to say about my body, hm, once a week? Is that small enough, too small, not big enough?

Do I make posters of affirmations to hang about the house? I actually have down that before, many, many moons ago after leaving M when I really needed to counteract some of her abusive impact on my self-esteem. But I was living alone then. Can I really do that, in front of someone. Not that TGF isn’t totally supportive, she is, I’m sure she would be fine with it.

This brings up my striking inability to really be emotionally vulnerable or open. I can do it here and there but not enough to allow Jennie to call me “best friend”. It’s not the term that matters; it’s the closeness that is implied. She brought this up with me tonight as well. I hate this. She brought up the other week where I was really pissed at her and didn’t as she put it, call her on being a jerk. It was painful to hear that it blocked her feeling closer to me. It’s just so damn hard to be that open with people. I suppose that if I can really do this work around my eating disorder, maybe this will change too. Perhaps there is a connection – nah. Yeah, I know of course there is a connection. Excess weight, obsessive thinking and keeping people at bay. Yeah, no linkage, none at all. Sigh. This is going to be a lot of work.

Tell me again why I started down this road?

On a knitterly note

The other day I finally made it over to Skein Lane, which is closing! The sale had begun on Thursday, I think I made it over there on, hm, Monday? They were looking really bare already. I didn't have a lot of time to browse and the yarn was only 20% off, which given my taste still meant it was out of my price range.

I did indulge in two size 1 circular 29" Susan Bates because they were only $4.40 each and I have hopes of making more socks. I found DPN size 1 for $3.00 and got them just because. Only a set of four rather than five needles, but I might have a spare one 1 hanging around. Snagged two skein of Euro Yarn's Mexican Wave - a yarn that I think is discontinued. Colourway 14 and the other is missing it's tag and I can't find it anywhere on the net. They were originally $4.25 before the 20% so a good deal, I suspect. These two skeins could make nice little wintery items for T'Mane. Or something.

I have made very, very minor progress on Niya's cat bed because well, life has been terribly buys. But I started, um, I think the fourth skein of the Soho and it's almost a 28" diameter, about 1" to go before I start the decreases to create the sides. Luckily I have many more skeins left. Oh, that reminds me I will be near WEBS very soon! (Please excuse the drool.)

I am going to try to get back to Skein Lane tomorrow, was going to try for today, didn't happen.

Another boring post. Sorry folks.

Oh, I did call the therapist and have an appointment for Tuesday. I do keep my promises.