The trip begins in earnest

(Wednesday. Oakland CA to Fernley NV. 250 miles)

We proceeded merrily along until somewhere near Sacramento where unfortunately TGF went left instead of right and we barreled along on Business 80 rather than Route 80 to Reno. So around about we went until we were finally back on track. It was amazing how sleepy I felt and it was so early in the drive. One last time we pulled into a service area and got In n Out burgers. Yes I ate a burger, theirs are the some of the only ones I would eat. I don’t know what they do to them but I actually like them. A little food somehow reenergized us both, thankfully and we proceeded merrily along.

In my calculations I had forgotten about the mountain ranges we needed to drive through. Well I hadn’t forgotten but had not accounted for a heavy truck pulling a Subaru Forester. Oops. The vistas were still beautiful and I eagerly awaited the gates which mark the entrance into California Heading eastward there is no clear marker but still there was something exhilarating about crossing that invisible line out of the state that I had passed through six years previous.

The roads climbed, dipped, and climbed again. As we rode on the elevation markers made it clear how far up we were: 4,000; 5,000; 6,000 feet above sea level. There was spitting hitting my windshield, reminding me how long it had been since I had seen rain. It never rained hard but it made the driving hard for TGF; the first rains of the season make the roads slick and slippery as the water mixes with oil and gasoline on the asphalt surface. The smell was of chalk and wet and asphalt.

Suddenly the lights of Reno were ahead, twinkling and bright. One building outlined in green, recalled the Emerald City but this was a larger rainbow with other outline colours visible. There was something about the gaudy cluster of brightness that made feel like I had been living in some provincial little hamlet rather than somewhere as diverse and sophisticated as Berkeley.

After the glowing town the road was dark, cold, and drizzling when we pulled over so she could get some gas. I suppose exhaustion is to blame for her taking a wrong turn out of the station. She tried back up, which is hard to do with good instruction and while wide awake. As she tried figure out how to get out of this non-road, I pondered how to get the sleeping bags off the roof of the car and if we could keep warm enough until day light and start again. She found a way out though an unpaved section until she found a paved road and we made our way back on the road. Soon after that she called me staying she was done. Tried pulling into a Super 8 but they were full, as was the Best Western across the way. The front desk person recommended the Truck’s Inn across the highway, so on we went. This place was a total dive: a motel/casino/restaurant/truck stop with absolutely no charm. Seriously. It took forever to book the room as the woman at the desk was new and apparently not allowed to do a dang thing. The manager gave me a room but before he could put the charge through had a long phone call from which I found out that most rooms in a significant radius had been booked up for the better part of a year for Street Vibrations scheduled for the coming weekend. As nice as the manager was he wasn’t very talented because he could not put a charge through and talk on the phone. Reminded me of the joke of not being to walk and chew gum – yep that was him. Through all of this I was being inundated with second hand smoke and wanted to strip off a layer of skin to get it off.

The hallways had signs that read “Please talk and walk softly as people are sleeping at all hours”; and the room was just as charming as you might imagine, complete with carpeting on the door. Now it took me all of a minute to figure out the reason for the décor but TGF is a total princess when it comes to hotels and had never been to a place like this, what I like to call a “chew ‘n screw”. It wasn’t until the next morning that she told me she had just figured it out, after pondering it for awhile. Anybody know? It’s cheaper than a good door that actually blocks sound.

The barrenness of Nevada

Thursday. Nevada to Nevada (365 miles)

After getting some gas I hop on the highway to catch up to TGF but I’m not seeing her, so I call. Nothing. No answer. Barreling along I keep trying to phone her to no avail, which is pissing me off a bit because she called me just before taking off.

The western part of Nevada is as naked of colour and charm as I remember it being on the trip west. I ponder the arrangement of black rocks against the beige sand, wondering where the hell she is, The Purple Beast loses power. As in dies. I coast onto the shoulder and feel panic starting to rise. The exit behind is far, I have no idea where the next one is, I have a car full of animals, and I’m in a desert. It shocked me how out of control and alone I felt so quickly. Suddenly my phone rings and I cannot stop myself from yelling a bit – “Where the hell have you been! The car died, the hood won’t pop.” Quickly I rein myself in and say I’m going to try starting her again and for TGF to find a rest stop. PB blessedly starts back up and we meet at a rest stop not too far up the road. On the drive there the hood loosens so it easily opens for a looksee. Following us to the rest stop is a brigade of Model T Fords or something like them and I mutter something about them still running. (I do have a photo of one but I have downloaded nothing so far. Sorry!) A friendly man from the DOT or the Highway Department (he had a uniform and "company" vehicle so he was an official something or other) comes over and pokes around our car. We all decide to agree it was a vapor lock in the fuel line and all is fine.

Nevada stretches ahead of us for a long time and the mountain passes come up every so often. As I ride along I continue to look for the messages spelled out, the artful rock piles and hope that we can make the next goal I set out for us as we are behind my carefully constructed schedule by about 125 miles.

A little tidbit for travelers: The entire town of Elko is a wireless hotspot. Go figure. San Francisco isn't but this little diddly squat place in the desert is, weird.

Late in the day somehow, perhaps I made an extra stop, TGF is far ahead of me and I am trying to catch up. The sun is just starting to lower in the sky as yet another rise crests and begins to fall. My phone rings and she is breathless, sounding a little scared and perhaps beaten down. The downward slope off the mountain was really hard for her to manage and she was shaken, done even. We agreed to call it a night as soon as there seemed a good spot to pull off.

Soon West Wendover’s lights were welcoming us as dusk fell, glistening fading streams of light hitting the Great Salt Desert, with the bright lights of casinos directly in front of the vast salt lands beyond as the road curved downward. Tonight’s host is a Super 8 and dinner was the very disappointing and expensive buffet at the Rainbow Casino. At this point TGF’s shoulder injury was hurting something evil and we talked about me taking over the truck driving to her a rest. I confess that I was a bit daunted by driving the behemoth but was ready to do whatever needed to be done. We tucked ourselves and the beasties in, hoping to dream sweet dreams and face the next day.

In which our heroine changes plans, again

So as I was saying, things went long. Izaac is a wonderful human being and I cannot imagine a more respectful person when it comes to packing things so they are safe for a long (or even short ride), however he is a tad slow about it. At about 6pm it became clear that we were not going to finish loading the truck that day. We were supposed to go to Ruth’s for a last walk with the dogs and dinner. Since we had been checking in through out the day she wasn’t exactly surprised when I called to give her the less than glowing update. She quickly volunteered to keep Wyatt another night (she had had him since our Sunday late afternoon walk) and we would all do dinner Tuesday night.

TGF and I were both so tired and my feet had been screaming at me a good portion of the day. We foolishly hoped that a night without the dog would allow for some rest but alas and aleck we were oh so wrong. The air mattress was less than comfortable somehow, the living room is a much noisier room than our bedroom and Marcelle decided to play kitty hockey off and on all night. Oh and my left knee decided to wake me several times in total pain. When I woke up I was wishing for a chiropractor to put things in place, or even out – anything to make it stop hurting.

When Alex called in the morning (blessed woman that she is) to see what time she should come but we had barely any consciousness to tell her anything. Izaac also had a late starting gate time, so things started quite late, maybe 1pm? But still I had hopes and dreams of speed, there really wasn’t that much more to load. Again I thought a moment after that prediction that the goddesses were laughing at me. They were. We finally made plans to leave, I think about 6pm, to head to park to meet Ruth and the dogs. It was a short walk as we were both dead tired from the exertion and stress. Ruth cooked us a fabulous dinner of some the best fried chicken either us have even tasted. The end of our time there was very emotional, Ruth was sobbing, we were barely holding it together and Piccolo had the saddest eyes ever and hid under the table refusing us a last hug. Ruth insisted we take Piccolo’s bed so Wyatt would have something to remember her by. See? Totally emotional.

We drove home drained and trying to distract ourselves with mindless conversation. Opening the door to Casa de Cedar was not a happy site. There was far too much that had not gone into the truck. We were starting to get pissed. As previously arranged Izaac had driven the truck down the lot in Oakland since we still needed to attach the car dolly and put the Subaru on it. So there was nothing we could do but steam and gather things for the next day. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. It was Roger the Neighbor – the best neighbor ever! He was worried about us depending on cell phones so he bought us a set of walkie talkies! So sweet.

Wednesday morning found Roger, Alex, TGF and I struggling to make heads or tails out of our dilemma. Roger, the former boy scout, tied awesome knots to secure the soft pack to the roof of the Subaru. He also brought us a container of homemade brownies with Scharffenberger chocolate. Alex came up with a great idea to load the Sub with things to throw into the truck, then come back to load up the stuff that we wanted for travel. Oh, one other little bit of drama, Joia one of our cats disappeared. Yes that’s right she is not with us. I am choosing to hope that she has found a new place. Roger and Alex will keep an eye out for her. Alex offered to drive down a few times and try to catch her, to then fly her to us. I am less than confident about this happening. Truthfully I have had a feeling for quite sometime that this might happen. I am sad about our Mama Joi not being with us. Very sad. While TGF and Alex were fighting with Izaac about getting things into the truck in the quickest and safest manner I was wondering where they were, comforting the dog who was in an empty house, talking to the cats who was already in carriers in the Purple Beast, cleaning, hauling things close to the front door for easy loading, and calling for Joia in the vain hope she would come home.

Finally TGF and Alex arrived home about noon, and none of us had eaten nor had we had caffeine – not pretty. TGF ran to Mickee D’s to feed us all. Finally we were on our way down to Oakland to hook everything up. That took a very long time and I won’t go into all the details of waiting, driving to where the car dolly actually was which was not in the truck lot, or trying to find TGF when they went to find a gas station to check tires and driving in circles around West Oakland until we finally find each other and barreled on to 80 East – at almost 3 fricking o’clock! SO much later than I had wanted to leave which was more like 11 so we could reasonably hit Winnemuca NV – less than 400 miles.

We all know the saying

But hate when it is so bloody true. We make plans and the gods laugh. Let me tell the Goddess is having a royal belly laugh right about now. Seriously ROFL. Actually she is probably having those uncontrollable giggles – know the kind, like when you were a kid and there was nothing, no threats from your mother that could get them to stop and in fact made them worse. Yeah, that’s what the gods and goddesses are doing right about now.

We were going to leave bright and early Tuesday. That clearly wasn’t going to happen. So then we were going to leave early, like by 10 am Wednesday. Nope, not that either. Our little caravan was on Route 80 heading east passing all the exits that had been homebound ramps at just before 3 in the afternoon. Merrily we rolled along still keeping our goal of Winnemuca NV before we would lay our heads to sleep. Yeah that didn’t happen. I am writing this from Fernley NV, just past Reno.

Among the things that delayed us, amused us, and humbled us:

Last Saturday we have our House Cooling party which was really lovely. Our friend Anna brought us a cake that said “Happy Trails Dharma & TGF”. Okay it actually had our names but you get the point. There was a veritable gang of children most who had never met but one would never have guessed. They ran rampant through the house, inventing a game as they went. Wyatt, our dog had great fun with them, getting pets and fed Capri fruit drinks. There were people who surprised us with their presence and others who we missed. Two friends, one that we had only known online for years now, drove up for Southern California, just to be able to say goodbye. Blessed, that was definitely the feeling.

At the party Alex, the partner of a school colleague of mine, insisted that we had to call her to help us pack. She came over on Thursday and Friday, worked her tail off, kept us focused, passed lots of tips and reminders, and made us laugh.

Sunday Sue and Sarah came by to pick up furniture they had bought from us. They came to get a “big boy bed” and matching dresser for Isaiah, our nephew of choice. We did one last dinner together, at Ikea. I found it convenient and perhaps planned that it didn’t allow for a lingering goodbye and tears were withheld. We ran home from there to meet with Jennie who was picking up various things from me. Added to the loot were several bags of groceries out of fridge and freezer. Earlier in the week I had bestowed her a few bags from the pantry. That woman shouldn’t need to shop for weeks! She brought me a gift, the appropriately titled “Knitting on the Road”. It’s filled with sock patterns. Tres cool.

Monday Izaac the Amazing Mover came with his buddy Steve, who has the most beautiful blue eyes. Before he arrived however Ruthie came over with a mocha for TGF and a soy latte for me from Peet’s. One last indulgence of such fine purveyors of caffeine. Alex also came back to help us with the last minute packing and to help keep us sane. Actually TGF had to go down to the lot to pick up the truck with Izaac, and as ONeil’s Budget was a hopping place thing took awhile before she, Izaac and Steve showed up. A surprise came through the door at some point. At first I was so distracted I though this vision in a beautiful dress was the woman from craigslist that was supposed to pick up the orange chairs. But no! It was Jennie coming by to see us off and drop off another gift(!) for me. It was a lovely drop spindle and the most beautiful cake of roving in lovely shades of blue. TGF rolled her eyes and we pointed out how small and portable this was, far moreso than a spinning wheel and certainly WAY smaller and lighter than her dang full size arcade game that we were hauling back to Ohio! The woman from craigslist, or rather her husband did show up and take the chairs - Yeah! She also wrote me a lovely email thanking me for them telling me she loved them and that she had said prayers for our safe journey. Blessed all around.

After that things went long. Some might venture to say this is where things went terribly long and terribly wrong.

It's been far too long

So first I am going to cut and paste from random emails.
I started an entry the other night which I will post soon.

September 10th 1:19pm
We are overwhelmed, stressed and on about plan G for everything regarding this move. Pins and needles is a good description. The loan from our friend is less than I had thought but enough to put a down payment on the house in question and maybe a smidge leftover. We are still trying to figure out how we are moving, and hence exactly when.

Same day 9:45pm
The panic comes and goes.
Actually got some of my list done today which is amazing.

Good news, it's seems the fuel pump in the Purple Beast is fine and it was just the alternator.
If true it will cost about $400 rather than about $700 to repair.
Now we are thinking of trailering the Subaru to the rented moving truck and I would drive Purple Beast.
Mayflower gave us an estimate of $6000!!!!!!!!!! to load and move us. Nope, no can do. So back to the original plan, maybe. I have checked online and found we can probably rent a truck and pay the gas for driving for about $3000. Sure we ill need $ to pay people to help load and unload, but not $3K worth!

Six years ago today, on a Monday I started driving west. Really freaky.

September 11th My horoscope
It's more important now to keep all your dealings above board, for the unspoken assumption can be your undoing. Even the slightest bit of shady dealings can cause your world to come tumbling down. Even in the midst of a big transition, you must hold steadfast to your core truth, for this is what will ultimately pull you through.


September 12th 9:53am
Yes!
I'm up now, clothes are on but they're NOT cute. ;-)

September 13th 10:19am
Yes I'm freaking.
There are still many things to pack and much cleaning that needs to happen.
Finances are crazy as in mostly nonexistent.
We are on pins and needles about a housing possibility.
Saying good bye to people and this area is VERY hard.
I am trying to be positive but sometimes I am just a mess.
My relationship with my mother is strained to say the least.
I am being brutal about going through things to keep and things to pass along.
In many ways this feels good but it is still reflects a lot change.
Our friend Jeriann in Ohio has been a great support and I look forward to spending more time with her.
She has been helping by looking at places and being a great cheerleader for TGF.

The goal is rent the truck Sunday or Monday and hit the road Tuesday the 18th.
I figure it will take at least 4 days to drive, probably more like 5, getting us to Ohio, I hope, by Saturday the 22nd.
TGF starts work on the first of October and my birthday, as has been noted is the 2nd.
I expect it to be a fairly bizarre day.

This past Monday was the 6 year anniversary of my heading out of Massachusetts on my way here. As a native New Yorker, I couldn't do more than skim a friend's reposting of that time period. This coming Sunday will be 6 years since I landed in California, two days before I leave the state. The timing of this whole thing has been very reminiscent of 2001. The job became a reality at almost the exact same time as the last big move. It is not PTSD so much as it stirs so many things up for me and the repetitive nature of life felt a bit foisted upon me in a most unwilling way.

I have been trying to maintain a balance between saying goodbye, being sad about leaving - even angry sometimes, and looking at this move optimistically. For the most part I look at life as an adventure and am positive about things being as they are supposed to be. When broke and in debt it's sometimes hard to be positive but I still try to see what I am supposed to learn from even that situation. So once again I am mourning tremendously while working on creating a new foundation in a new state.

About our housing situation in Ohio - I don't want to go into any details but can I ask for positive thoughts that it works out the way we hope and need?

Thanks for listening if you made it this far.

in peace
Dharma
who apparently really really needed to vent some things

September 15th 2:28pm
Subject: If you have any time on Monday

For moral support and hauling boxes out of the house to the truck...

I cannot believe this is really happening.
We went to check out the truck and finalize rental plan just a bit ago.
Have you ever had that scared but terribly excited feeling come over you?
That's what happened to both of us as we walked the behemoth that will be carrying our massive amount of stuff.
We have arranged for our buddy Isaac and a worker for the truly heavy stuff and to organize the jigsaw puzzle that is loading a houseful of goods into a 24-foot truck. And I am hoping he is familiar with how to attach the car carrier as we will be towing the Subaru.

Today and tomorrow will be the final stages of packing
(I hope to be doing NONE on Monday, but one never knows).

Hey and if you know anyone who wants the two 60's orange chairs with cat damage
PLEASE let me know. The craigslist person bailed.
Ditto TGF's computer desk. Both things are free.
Anyone want a Mitsubishi 42" HD television with a stand (about 3 years old) for $350 or best offer?
A working but not pretty gas grill? Free.
Hey Andrea, want that Centipede game. Or anyone else - a full size arcade game - great project piece. Cheap!
Have photos for any of these things.
2 large CRT monitors? Free.

We will miss you all.

Okay that kinda catches y'all up on why I haven't been writing. There is clearly so much more I hope to capture a fair amount of it soon.

One version of my horoscope for today

The Moon in your 12th House of Secrets can reveal hidden emotions now, but others still won't be aware of your internal process. They will merely see the results of your inner work and not the anguish you experience along the way. If you run into unexpected negative judgments from those who normally support you, don't try to change their minds. They will come around as they learn more about your thoughts.

I cannot begin to explain how much truth there is in this one. This move is one of the hardest things I have ever done. The support has not been great, not non-existent, but it has felt begrudgingly offered which I understand but makes me feel quite lonely. The last few months, since this Ohioan epic began it has been lonely in many ways, it has been sad and I have tried to focus on the upside - like getting out of debt, having money to travel to both coasts to visit family (chosen and biological), of starting a business venture (rehabbing houses).

But there is so much to miss here in California, people on the east coast would still prefer to me to be back there so they are accepting Ohio as at least closer to them but still not quite enough. I get jokes, warnings, and looks of shock as if Ohio will be too hard for me because it is so different from the places I have lived. It is very different but that doesn't make it bad. Right? That's how I view things, it's just different. My mantra is courtesy of Tim Gunn, "Make it work".

But wait there's more on sleep!

It's true I'm obsessed about sleeping because I am never not tired these days. Okay sometimes I have felt totally enthralled and awake. Mostly at camp, and yes JBeeky I will post some photos soon because thanks to you I actually took a few.

That first night three weeks ago in Northampton I was sitting in Adrienne's living room doing something.. when it because clear that a storm was passing over. I love thunder and lightening storms and miss them terribly in California. Did you know they are a rare thing in the Bay Area? I was shocked and saddened to learn that when I moved here. Here I was my first night on the east coast and the sky lit up purple for me, thunder rumbled like a very large cat. Lifting myself from the sinky goodness of the couch I went out on the tiny porch. Seriously it's maybe 4 feet wide by the length of the house, which is not great. I curled myself into a chair and watched the sky change colours for seconds at a time, listened to the shimmering sound of leaves imitating the musical sounds of paliettes on a dancers' hips while she shimmies. Soon after I crawled back the couch and went to sleep, actually had a good night sleep. The next night was lovely as well. Sunday night Adrienne and I shared a bed in a Mot*l 6 in Portland as we choose to drive up a bit early and wander Portland in the morning before heading to Poland Spring. It took awhile for my brain to shut down (not an uncommon experience for me) but I slept fairly well.

The first two nights at camp were FREAKING cold. As in I slept in a cabin, albeit uninsulated and unheated, but still a building like thing. I wore a lot of clothing, in a sleeping bag with the other sleeping bag as a blanket over me. I was still cold. The next night I was like a burrito in a kids' mummy sleeping bag, inside the generously sized one, still wearing socks, sweats and two tops. Cold I tell you! Luckily things warmed up and I even slept nekkid in my tent a couple times with just one sleeping bag. Let me tell you this is a rare treat in late August in the state of Maine. The last two nights were the same as the first two. Damn cold.

I returned to Northampton, to an empty house. Adrienne and the boys were away and I enjoyed the sweet quiet of no one for almost 24 hours. Slept on the couch again but not as restfully. Tuesday night I was finally in my own bed, next to my beloved, circled and trapped by my cats. It was muscle cramping bliss I tell you. I slept hard. Really hard. I never heard TGF come into the bedroom, never noticed she turned off the tv. Never heard her get up to deal with animals in the middle of the night. Nada. Absolutely unheard of for me. The only other time such things happen is my first good sleep after attending a long birth.

Sleeping is still a problem and I suspect will remain so forever. Some nights are better than others. TGF has been having a TERRIBLE time. So bad that on Friday she said she literally felt like she was losing her mind because of the lack of rest. The stress is knocking us both off like crazy. I expect to be exhausted for at least another month or two without much reprieve.

Missing in action

I know, I know. It appears I have forsaken this space. There was this imaginary thought I had that I would post every day of camp. I left camp today clearly that so did not happen.

There are so many things to tell y'all. Well the few y'all that are still stopping. I had so many things to write about and I hope to jot some of them soon. Tonight I am so tired and achy in far too many places to list right now.

Right at this moment I am enjoying total alone time in my friend's home in Northampton after a delightful and free range discussion ride home with Rona (I'd link her website but she confesses it is sorely out of date, oh what the hell - here). After being around over 650 people almost non-stop for 11 days this is feeling like heaven. Adrienne will be home sometime tomorrow but for now it is just me, Buddha Kitty, crickets outside. Okay maybe the sound of a television too, which feels like another planet after having none for two weeks.

More later and thanks for your patience my peeps.

Musing on Sleep

As reflected in a recent post, sleep is not an easy nor particularly restful thing for me. It is true that the truly deep exhaustion I felt last year around this time is not as present. As I am about to head to Dance New England, I hope that bone tired feeling stays at bay.

I have a tendency to have vivid and numerous dreams which leave me feeling as drained upon waking as I did when I slipped underneath the covers and sidled up to TGF. It is hard for me to remember when I last slept hard enough for days in a row that I do not remember waking up, albeit briefly, at least 3 times a night which is more the norm. Further complicating "restorative sleep" as Lindsay likes to call it in those damn commercials is the fact that a selection of cats like to cuddle up to me. Often I have Atticus followed by Gemma sleeping between my legs and the other hunkered against my butt or calves.

When the recent stress is figured in, it's rather amazing I am functional at all. Keeping all of this in mind, I wondered if I had lost my mind when I booked a red eye flight to the east coast. I spent days telling myself if I can sleep on the plane all will be good. However that was a silly thing since I absolutely cannot sleep well in a moving vehicle, especially if I am not horizontal. Clearly this was another matter of deluding myself "for the greater good" and hoping that I could trick myself into something that is against my nature.

The odds were against me. Only if I can the three seats across so I can curl up (this is where being short comes in handy) do I really sleep anything like soundly on a plane. The seat I had about 24 hours ago was on the aisle of the center 3 seats next to a man who was wearing so much cheap cologne I had a headache which came and went for two hours. Then there were all the chatter in my head: the things I had forgotten to bring; worry over the move; could I find a cheap air mattress since I decided not bring mine; would Adrienne have a sleep bag I could borrow; what the hell was Adrienne's new address anyways; and so on ad infinitum. In an attempt to get some napping in I used the strategy TGF employs regularly - the droning sound of the television. I snagged the headphones and plugged into some movie with Richard Gere about a scam job involving a book about Howard Hughes.

I reflected again how a friend is still peeved about a now ex-lover who wanted to sleep all night long in each other's arms. It surely is an overly romantic vision of love but also a terrible thing to demand of someone when it means they will sleep horribly. Personally I might have strangled the person for suggesting it as a real versus in a "wouldn't it be kinda fun to do that thing they show in the movies but never really happens" way. Not only can I not deeply fall asleep in any position remotely like sitting up, but I cannot if I am in someone's arms, or even facing them! Actually it goes deeper than that - I have turn away completely, I can't even face their back. Eventually, without fail I have to face "out", away from my lover. It is like an intrinsic escape plan sort of response that has been with me for as long as I can remember. Even when sleeping alone I face out. Except for that one apartment where the long side of the bed was against exposed brick and I loved the feel of the brick against my bare feet as I slept positioned much like a right angle bracket for a shelf.

Some people can sleep anywhere and feel rested. Some can "cat" nap easily, almost like hypnotizing themselves and sleep for some predetermined time. Many days I envy those people. But I never envy those who think sleeping in their lover's arms all night is love personified.

Is this what a hangover feels like?

It was a terrible night for me. Three bad dreams in one night, seriously! I woke up totally raggedy, hazy, and thought, I think this must be what a hangover feel like. No, I have never been hung over. And no I am not a tea totaler. I have drunk a fair amount in my past, a much bigger drinker in my youth than these days. Now it takes some time to get my tolerance up but it's not something I strive to do. Really I have never woken up feeling like the lights are too bright, every noise is too loud and dog assed tired after drinking. Perhaps after some other, ahem, interesting nights but not because I drank a lot.

The dreams faded one by one in terms of clarity. By the time I finally dragged myself out of bed after dream three and proceeded to make coffee, quite clumsily I might add, the images faded. The details, the actual quotes blew away like the seeds from dandelions in a wind storm. It reminded of when Piper goes "orbing" but stumbles once returning the "real" world, to recall anything about it.

The first dream was kind of like fun and bizarre Fellini ride with two odd, sort of homeless like men attaching themselves to TGF and I. We wandered around and I know there were interesting conversations that occured. But suddenly it all went very badly. I was experiencing a total mental breakdown. Going crazy was a physical as well as psychological experience in the dream. It was a weird awareness of knowing I was totally losing control. It was very unpleasant.

Next up was an odd phone call with my brother. I haven't actually spoken to my brother in years. No real reason, he just isn't very social and a workaholic who makes a fortune. There is eleven years between us and he has a twin sister who he gets all his sibling needs met through. My sister and I do stay in intermittent contact. Anyway, he has been on my mind because we are considering asking him to be an investor in our our first house flip. In the dream he alternated between friendly and a bit suspicious - even asking me if I had an ulterior motive for calling. In addition there were times it seemed like he left the phone putting our sister and then our father on. Very weird.

The last dream was like a really, REALLY dark episode of Charmed, complete with an evil spirit taking over a character who might have been a bride. The bride character was a cross between Piper and my dear, dear friend Abby. I was trying stave off chaos, discovery of a dead body and saving the bride. The finale was me trying everything I could think of to reawaken the good spirit in the bride to save her and everyone from impending doom. In involved a spell (go figure) that used the word Maderia, or Medera? Not sure but I think if was supposed to be the name of a woman. Oh yeah and there was a black lacy veil which I danced with when everything was righted.

One of these days i might get a restful night of sleep. It's something I get about every 3-8 days. The rest of the time I wake a lot, have too many dreams to feel rested, or something. Like waking up at 6am after falling asleep after 1am - that was the other day, maybe Saturday. Yeah Saturday I got up and worked. Sent 30 work emails by the time TGF got up. Those commercials with Abraham Lincoln and the beaver really touch a nerve, let me tell you.

Another layer of reality

Last Sunday TGF and I went through every room (although we very briefly tackled the garage - yeech is that a mess and maze) verbally saying what would stay here and what would go with us.

Later, I took pictures of my beautiful desk and the bedroom set that we had decided to sell. I had gone back and forth about the desk because I really love it but it's big and very heavy. It was purchased from Fenton MacLauren on College Avenue in Oakland a few years ago. It is my second largest purchase (aside my house) ever. Originally it was about $900 but like cars most things depreciate as soon as they leave the showroom. Truthfully it was still in very good shape amazingly enough given that TGF would occasionally fed Gracie on it {ahem!}.

Apparently others agreed with me because I received a number of responses to my craigslist ad.
Nice huh? I included other shots of it but I don't want to bore, or tempt, anyone. One really nice guy showed up Wednesday night to see it but he had a valid concern about the pull out keyboard top - not a lot of room for keyboard and mouse because of the really lovely drawer. I got it to work for me but with the wireless keyboard TGF set up it was really tight. He was clearly torn because he appreciated the beauty of the piece. Oh well. At least I got a real bite, right?

Then Thursday night a couple came to look it. They hadn't found a bank on the way over so wanted to know if they should find a bank first. I laughed and said, "How about you see it because no point if you don't want it". But apparently they did because they left to find a bank. When it took some time I thought perhaps they changed their mind and again I thought well I have another person scheduled to see it in the morning. Then there was a knock at the door. Cold harsh cash! My asking price and everything.

Well today was the scheduled move so immediately upon rising I headed upstairs to empty the desk. The reality gathered, hanging like fog from the ceiling as I took out my origami cranes that Carolyn sends every year with her camp registration. Moving from Massachusetts to two different locations in California I still have most of these miniature cranes. This year she used the camp flyer and made one large with two tiny ones for my collection. As I pulled out my rubber stamps and old memo books, all Dance Camp supplies, out the fog settle lower. Collecting the files out of the drawer, unplugging the printer, the mist started hitting my face.

It's all getting faster and faster, and we both have procrastinating tendencies and up heaving our lives is certainly something one would like to avoid. However the desk is now gone so one step closer. Next Saturday is supposed to be our tag sale though I am wondering how we are going to pull it together. My flight to the east coast is late evening on the 16th (yes a red eye, sigh, but that gives me Friday in my old hometown). My return home is on Tuesday, September 4th. Our house cooling party is on the 8th - by the way, if you haven't received an invite, email me. I really tried to hit everyone. We haven't picked a take off day and we haven't lined up a moving company but we really need to soon. All of the above is only part of the massive to do list facing us.

The sadness that washed over me during the final stages of clearing out the desk. I took a few breaks during that simple task because it was emotionally challenging. Of course part of it was selling the desk truly is a sacrifice because it's a beautiful piece and I really loved it. Deeper is the tangible quality that empty space in my office represents. An empty space to be filled with boxes, our live compartmentalized for moving most of the way across the country. We don't know where we are moving to because we haven't found an investor for the property we have picked out. It's all this blank space in front of me. Some days it feels daunting, others exciting.

A finished object! New yarn!

No, really! It has been for-ever since there has been any productivity on this front (or any other really). I have been making progress the Secret Project and will have photos of the finished thing soon.

As I noted my dear friend Glamour Girl has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Treatment for such things requires chemo which means hair loss. Poring over patterns in my collection of magazines, xeroxed sheets, and of course the internet resulted in a lot of ideas and some hesitation. Which one, what yarn do I have in my stash that would work.

Finally I settled on the New York Hat, which is appropriate as she lives in NYS. The flower and bow options did not inspire me so I knew I would have to search out a button. Oh, and of course yarn. This yarn was some I purchased off eBay eons ago in this colourway as well as a pink version (which I used for Tigger). I had no idea what I would use it for but evidently I bought it for this.

The pattern called for size 10.5 needles which of course I don't have. But no matter. I used a size 10 circular to cast on and switched to some nasty vintage white plastic double points. Gauge was a funky thing as mine didn't match the pattern in stitches or rows so there was some knitting, ripping, knitting, and fudging. The pattern is a fun, fast knit. But then came the really exciting part - shopping for a button. Stone Mountain Daughters, a store that is way too much fun. It took a little while as there were some lovely choices but then suddenly it was an easy decision.

Is that not a great button? Here is a not great shot of the hat, modeled by The ever patient GF.


I actually popped into the mail quickly and Glamour Girl has received it already. Yeah me.

Saturday Jennie and I went to Lambtown for a day of chatting and fondling fiber. It was a fabulous day and yes, I bought yarn. Jennie is such an enabler! We stopped at Carolina Homespun where we learned about long draw spinning. Jennie had great time playing with the wheel and even made me sit to give it a go. I certainly can see doing this in the future! We spent a lot of time over at Yarn Place where I found this yarn that intrigued me but I said, "I have no idea what I would do with it." It was then that The Great Enable struck her vulnerable prey. "Oh, there's enough yardage to make Cozy!" A pattern she knew I wanted to make. Curses! I was ruined. The ten hanks of what turned out to be banana fiber fell into my hands. Sorry for the lousy photo, it was hard to shoot and I wasn't able to capture the accurate colour and the sheen in one shot. I really hope it works for the pattern. It has taken all my control to keep working on the secret project (the finish line in sight - finally!) and not ball up this stuff to swatch.


On the way out I saw some soft lovely yarn in great colours for my next secret project... It was on sale too, only $4 a ball so I picked up 3, just in case though I think I will only need two. Alpaca with a Twist "Punch", in Gooseberry. In person the colour is pinker, again not a great day of shooting here at Casa de Cedar.

We also stopped at Maia's booth, Sincere Sheep. Oh the colours, all natural dyes. Also Maia was so friendly and easy to chat with it was hard to move on to see other booths. She invited me to a spinning potluck on Sunday and I am trying to figure out if I can go!

So now I have some new things inspiring me. Oh, I got suckered in and signed up for Ravelry. At this point it will be mid-late October before I get my invite. Just as well since I will be up to my eyeballs in boxes and hopefully renovating a house until at least then.

Doing the proverbial cartwheel

It is a relatively small thing, it really is when one considers all that is going on in my world right now. Between watching a clip on YouTube of a guy dancing (they are both so graceful) that reminded of an old pal and suddenly hearing an old song of "ours" that we used to dance to, I developed the itch to find him. We haven't spoken in almost exactly four years. We lose touch, reconnect, fade out, reconnect. It's a cycle.

We met about twenty years ago, give or take at Barefoot Boogie, a continuing tradition of which I am a founding mama. Yes I was 12 when I started this. Shut up and do not do any math. I have many fond memories of us dancing together, hanging out, talking on the phone all night while we pretended to study - I had just started college (I was also a child genius. Again, shush!) and he was a consistent student. Since that time, when he finishing a BA with a double major, he also received an MPIA (Masters in Pacific International Affairs) and then a JD. He passed the New York Bar on the first try. I knew he was still playing competitive bridge from trying to find him on the web over the years. He was also involved in Model United Nations stuff for years and years. Did I mention he's a bit of a genius? And a classic Gemini.

So the other day I tried emailing him at the address named for his penchant of creating frozen alcoholic yumminess. Today I got an email back from him. If I could do cartwheels I would have done them across the entire house. Because of him I have started a Skype account though I need to buy the headphone thingys. It will be handy because he travels a lot. Really. In today's emails he told me is leaving for London later this week and then he's off to Bulgaria. Sounds like the same old guy, never in one place for long.

I cannot wait to hear his voice again. I so want him and TGF to meet!!!
Doing a happy dance all day over this.

A very late tag response

As I have mentioned I have been neglecting reading my blogger peeps. While just now I visited my dear 'net buddy Wen and not only did she tag me two frigging weeks ago (slacker, right here on my forehead), but she sweetly implied a desire to help me out with my move. Made my eyes tear up, she did. Given that the Purple Beast suffered a cardiac arrest today, just knowing people care like that means a lot.

So I give you the Fiver:

1. Five favorite days of the year

• Set up at Dance New England camp, while it's quiet.
• Hanukkah (really 8 days, but...)
  
• TGF's birthday
• Christmas because TGF loves acting like a kid that day, it's fun to watch
  
• I'm partial to Wednesdays.
  

2. Five things I watched this week

• My dog running and swimming
• So You Think You Can Dance
• My yard get majorly pruned!
• A snippet of The Catherine Wheel, choreographed by Twyla Tharp
• Burn Notice
  

3. Five things you don't want to do but should

• Get a mammogram
• Pack my house
• File papers with the Behavioral Board
• Clip my cats claws
• Back up my computer
  

4. Five things you want to learn

• Ballroom dance with TGF (2-2 above)
  
• Spin yarn
• Find balance in my life
• Set tile
• Speak Spanish
  

5. Five animals you've had as or have pets who impacted you

• Max the first. The dog I don't really remember but acted as a nanny. Or so says my mother and why would she lie
• Sybil. When Ninia moved to Hawaii she said if she had children I would be their guardian so of course it was a no brainer to give me her cat who she couldn't transport across the ocean. She would spoon with me.
• Scully who demanded he come back to his house which I had bought. He communicated like no other cat I've ever met.
• Wyatt, our puppyman. He makes me laugh everyday. I never would have gotten a dog except TGF is a dog person. It is next to impossible to imagine life without him.
• Saana. Thoughts of her still make me cry. She touched my soul so deeply in the nine montha she was alive.
  

6. Five favorite pieces of clothing

• Black and white sundress that I bought from Kimberley at camp a number of years ago.
• Anything I've bought from Tienda Ho on Telegraph Avenue (the best dressing rooms. Ever!)
  
• A pair of Joe Boxers mens' black pajama bottoms
• A big gray Henley like top
• An olive green mesh silk sweater
  

7. Five things you enjoy in the summer

• Dance New England camp!
• Longer periods of day light
• The fog
• Warm weather
• Cool evenings
  

8. Five foods you don't like

• Liver
• Sea urchin
• Soft boiled eggs
• Chocolate covered candied ginger
• Over cooked spinach
  

9. You are given $50,000 to give to 5 people as $10,000 cash gifts, who and why

• My friend Adrienne, who is always struggling and always gives more than she has
• Sunny, my mother, because she has been more than generous and I really want to repay something to her. Maybe she could self publish her poetry
• Set up a college, or run around the world for six months fund for our niece, T'Mane
• My foster daughter Michelle so she can make choices she believes in rather than ones she can afford
• Ruth, so she could do her art more and work less, even just for a little while.
  

10. Five things that are not where they belong

• 30 extra pounds (on my body!)
• Bush (in the White House - stole this one from Wen, couldn't help it!)
• My academic record (it's in the toilet)
• The Purple Beast, stuck on the street refusing to start
• Veronica Mars (off the air)

I won't tag anyone specifically but feel free to do this. Just let me know so I can read your lists!

Two sides of the same coin

A few weeks ago, on the same day two books came to me, both reflecting passions of mine. Really.

I give your my studious, loves to debate side:

No I haven't read any of it yet but it is on my very long list of books I really want to dive into on this and related subjects. I acquired this through a friend who was cleaning out to move.

That same day while I was assisting at her garage sale, my love bought home this sweet book for me.
It's true I adore pin-up art. Seriously. My checks have four designs by George Petty on them and the cover is embroidered with a glorious woman. The new versions of these checks do not thrill me (different artist) and luckily I am not out of checks yet. I just scratch out my old address. That won't work for much longer as I will be in another state soon so my hunt for great new checks will begin anew. When Jennie first saw my checks a few years ago she looked at them, looked at me, looked at them again, and said, "You're not the average lesbian, are you?" Apparently not.

One year for my birthday my then sweetheart got me a leather miniskirt and a sawzall. Both thrilled me though it's true what with owning a home and fluctuating weight the saw has seen more use.

Truthfully I loke that I have more than one side, that some of my interest surprise people. TGF was initially quite surprised that adore old Bond movies, but I do. I can (and do) watch them over and over. Sean Connery, seriously the best Bond ever, though Pierce Brosnan gives him a serious run for his money. Many "date movies" bore me though every once in awhile.... Of course I can't think of one that fits that bill right now.

I love restaurants like, Aureole, where TGF went on our first date (Yes we traveled to meet in person, to Vegas. It was a several day, luxurious "first date".) At the same time I really dig finding cool diners (been there too) and eating "old school" food.

So that's a little bit of me and the supposed dichotomies that exist in this person.

Another chapter closing

Last night was my last board meeting for BirthWays. Tomorrow I go to the printers to check the blues for the final newsletter I will oversee. For the last time. I believe I officially joined the board in late spring 2003 and have overseen, often poorly, seven newsletters. I wish I had done a better job though I had some challenges which added to the disorganization.

The graphics person I inherited was challenging and I was involved in the decision to fire him. Then I located Pete, who was fabulous, through another volunteer organization (which has since gone under). He was incredibly competent and took good care of our publication, but he needed to relocate. I was distraught. After much searching, agony, and prayers I found Theresa, who is the sweetest woman I have never met. She is a hard worker, a beautiful designer, and incredibly patient with our chaotic structure.

I will try to help out with the mailing party, and I suspect I still forward emails that might be of interest to the board member from my new base in the mid-West. Several weeks ago I told TGF that I would not be joining any boards, at least for awhile. She smiled sweetly and said "the first all volunteer, drowning in work and chaos, do-gooder board that turns up will have your free hours taken before the dishes are unpacked." I am going to try to make a liar out of her. But I can't promise I'll succeed.

An easy goodbye

The other night I decided that today should be my last day at Stars R Us. There haven't been all that many leads lately, probably because it's summer so there have been a number of shorter days, certainly no extra time. So today as my lead pile was dwindling, I walked over to Iris's office space which she shares with Nancy, the office manager. They are both really nice women. I summarized the whys of my leaving, which as I ran things down sounded so reasonable I was shocked.

The DNE new database is so freaking buggy that I find myself sending emails to Charlie, the database guru every time I do data entry. This year's flyer is gorgeous and for that I honour the designer, however she also decided to hack the hell out of my registration form. Any time I have look at the damned thing I feel the fury of a thousand angry bees. So there's that.

I am finishing up the last newsletter for BirthWays that I will be overseeing. It went to the printers today. There is still updating I need to do with the address excel file, and a board meeting Wednesday.

In just over 5 weeks I need to head to the east coast to do my DNE job. Between now and then I need to keep working on registration duties and pack about 70% of my house, sell or otherwise get rid of books, clothes, and other sundries. Probably hold a tag sale in early August. Plan and host a house cooling party less than a week after I return from the east.

And an unexpected wrench was thrown into things today when I was shimmying into a parking place at work when apparently the ball bearings on the Purple Beast went. The front passenger tire is now all catty wampus and it's not drivable. Tomorrow morning I will be calling AAA to get it towed to the repair place. You don't want to know the estimate amount and I can't tell you because I'm putting my head in the sand about the whole dang thing. But I digress.

Iris and Nancy were very sweet and seemed sorry to see me go. Aerin (yes that's really the spelling, I am making an exception here) gave me a big hug which was lovely. Dee was less than pleased because she was losing her "fastest data entry" person. Maggie, my only buddy like person there, gave me a really nice hug. I would like to try to stay in touch with her for a little bit, maybe invite her to the party.

That's one brief and easy chapter that is now closed. Seventy ga-jillion more to go.

The last time here

All day Wednesday I played the waiting game. It started at about 6:40a.m. when my cell phone rang with my client voice at the other end. Contractions had woken her at 4:30a.m. and there seemed to be a rhythm that felt promising. I roused myself completely, threw my sleepy body in the shower (I hadn't gone to bed until about 1:00a.m.), and readied to leave. Kissed TGF who had fingers crossed that this would a nice and rather quick birth. She has only heard tell of births where I was home in less than 12 hours and has only seen ones where I was gone for 20 hours or better.

Driving briskly along since there was little traffic, what with it being a holiday and all, my cell phone rang with my client's lovely voice at the other end. She was literally at her door about to leave and decided she needed to reassess things, meaning she wasn't going to the hospital. We discussed everything, it really did seem like the right thing as I trust gut intuition. Exiting off the freeway and I zig zagged my way through the streets, returning home to surprise TGF. Throughout the day my client rang me and we talked about how she was doing, which was always great if a bit tired of being pregnant. I puttered and pondered the purgatory of being on-call; on one hand happy to do and sad this would be my last birth in California, grateful call would be over soon and a small sense of panic that this would my last ever.

We met up with Ruth and Piccolo for our walk to be followed by dinner at our place, a very low key 4th celebration. We headed over to Point Isabelle to watch the fireworks as we had done two year prior. This year however it was amazingly crowded and we were absolutely stunned - what had happened to our private, quiet little spot. Later TGF remembered that Oakland had canceled their light display which is what brought the crowds to our little oasis. Of course I had left my phone in the car and when we made our way back there was a voicemail. Gah! John* had left word that they had gone in for a check where they found her to be 3 centimeters. They had decided to augment and get things cranking. We drove home and I gathered a few things so I could turn right around and leave. It had been freezing by the water but as I headed to the hospital I found myself wondering if I had the heat on in the car. I looked at the thermometer in the car and saw it was 80 degree. People it was 11p.m.! This is not normal weather for "the flats" which is where I live, where the evenings are typically chilly even in the warmest seasons. I worried that I was dressed too warm but quickly remembered that hospitals are notoriously cold in the middle of the night. As it turned out I froze the entire time.

I ran into John in the hallway as I cruised through the halls looking for Amy's room. Amy* and her best friend Amy P were in hanging out when I walked through the door. It was nice to have the same "team" again. Amy P and I were additional supports for the birth of their first child. Amy was in a great rhythm and I held fast to TGF and Ruth's wishes for a fast birth and the goal of my getting home by 3am. The doctor we worked with was one of the best OBs I have ever had the honour of attending a birth with. This is not compliment I give often, though I wish I did. She was lovely, gentle and time constraints never mentioned.

There was a change in the intensity of contractions which cause a twinkle to be exchanged between Amy P and I. When there was an exam done, alas and alack she had progressed 1 centimeter in four hours. It was now 1:30a.m. and all parties were tired. I believe it was sometime around that point that Amy opted for an epidural, in part so she could get some rest. By around 3:30 she was pronounced 5 centimeters. Oh my. I fought doing the math while acknowledging that she had cut the time in half for the same amount of progress. This boded well but I knew too much about the vagaries of the body and birth to wish for anything in particular. Though continously cold, I nodded off here and there, the longest "nap" being probably 20 minutes. Three hours later she was completely dilated. Amy was a bit concerned because she didn't have any urge to push but the doctor was totally relaxed. "Well we will do a practice one or two and see what happens. If nothing then we'll wait a bit." I could have kissed this woman. The doctor got "suited up", saying I may not need all this if it's going to awhile but you never know. Well the baby was right there! Amy had pushed out her first baby in about 20 minutes. This time? it was about 4 pushes, 10 minutes total from first push to baby. Awesome. Beautiful boy born at 7:03 a.m. on July 5th.

It really was a lovely birth in many ways. Amy and John are a wonderful couple. They were my only repeat client in the Bay Area (I haven't done all that many births in the nearly six years I've been here, maybe 20). I felt very entwined with this family, a kinship with Amy - the first time I met her the connection was instantaneous. Also the birth I attended in February was for her brother's daughter, Amy's niece. That is a first for me, doing two immediate family members. A special privilege, it is hard to find the words to really describe the feeling that accompanies this experience. All ways around a lovely way to end my time here for this part of my identity, my life.

*no real names are used

A bite too large

The photos of the house that TGF has been obsessing about finally came via email. I found it awhile ago, I think via realtor.com - a frequent haunt of mine these days. Now I am not foolish, by the price and neighborhood I knew it would need a lot of work. However it smelled of potential. I did start to think about things a bit more and how large a project it might be. TGF and I had a serious talk recently about the impact of taking on a such beast for our first project together. If it was a gut job there was no way we could live there and do the work, so that would mean covering the loans on the house and rent - still would be way less than our current rent but seriously, you know?

As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand or thirty thousand words.


Offers a whole definition of indoor/outdoor plumbing, no? Yes that is outside plant life festooning the inside walls of the bathroom. Our Ohio connection friend Jer called after seeing the place which left her a bit speechless. Upon just stepping through the front door her realtor pal said "offer half the asking price". From that call it was clear that we would need to get a dumpster to rid the place of trash - and which from the few photos we have there's a lot of garage. A lot. It needs a new roof. Patches of the stucco are falling off the back of the house - lathe is showing. Not good.

I am sure there are some awesome details in this place but seriously we are talking a gut job here. I'm sure. It could be a fabulous home. But as our first renovation/flip property? I'm thinking no bloody way. I want our first couple of projects to be successful. Successful means we haven't killed each other, we make a little cash, and we are happy with what we produced.

So back to the drawing board as it were.

I couldn't help it

Blame Heather.

You scored as Albus Dumbledore, You are Albus Dumbledore. Calm, perceptive, forgiving, and wise beyond your years. Albus Dumbledore 75% Hermione Granger 72% Luna Lovegood 72% Harry Potter 66% Remus Lupin 59% Neville Longbottom 59% Sirius Black 56% Oliver Wood 53% Ron Weasley 53% Draco Malfoy 50% Severus Snape 50% Percy Weasley 44% Lord Voldemort 44% Bellatrix Lestrange 38% Harry Potter Character Combatibility Test created with QuizFarm.com

How to fall in love without even trying

People meet on the internet everyday. There are plenty of friendships developed over those cables and phone lines. At some point people developed something that moved beyond personal ads like the one I used to read for hope and amusement in Village Voice too long ago to count. In fact that is how Sunny met her husband of, dang, twenty years! She answered his ad, a xerox copy of that ad resides in a plastic red heart-shaped ad. To this day she laughs over his "nices" and "vices" list on that piece of paper.

TGF and I met over the internet but not at a site like mat*ch.com, and certainly not e-hypocrisy given their policy of not working with anyone who does not identify as heterosexual. She joined a listserv that I had been a member of for the better part of eight years. We bantered mostly onlist but eventually a bit off as well. At some point we spent more and more time off list emailing. She wrote about craving chocolate and I offered to send her some excellent stuff (some argue that since being bought out the quality has gone down. She freely sent me her mailing address 2500 miles away. Then realizing her potential mistake emailed me back asking if I was a stalker or a serial killer. My reply that I was no serial killer but being a stalker was always a possibility. See, bantering.

It's hard to explain how we went from emailing a few times a week, to every day, to the first phone call, to talking 5-6 days a week in a span of less than two months but that's what happened. On the phone and over email we talked about relationships (she was just leaving a long-term one, I was in an long-term open relationship), our families, passions (her include muscle cars and all things Coke), yearnings. Everything really. The attraction built incredibly fast, she has one of the best voices ever which is a big thing for me. We also fought during this time, a foreshadowing I'm sure of what our therapist calls our "core issues".

The draw was so intense I think it fueled some of our fights because we saw, or more accurately sensed that we represented big changes for ourselves, each other. But I do wonder how many couples who meet over the internet fight as intensely as we did before they have looked into each others eyes. Oh those eyes. Did I ever mention her gorgeous blue eyes? Her eyes are so expressive, I can call up about a dozen visions of her eyes representing a dozen moods. The first time we met, we each flew from our respective homes to Vegas, one of her favorite places. We flirted, touched, walked in the opulence that is Vegas, and had tense moments, probably out and out fights. All in the three and a half days. I remembering thinking that that weekend would be my only chance to actually see her. There was an irrational set of fears that she and all that could be would disappear so I searched endlessly through many shops seeking a charm for the bracelet I didn't own that would represent her somehow, some tangible evidence, a fetish item that I could look at, touch long after she had evaporated.

Neither one of could say what we knew before Vegas, nor could we speak those three little words in person. I fought within myself the entire trip, "say it, don't say it". I could have stripped a field of daisies in those three days. The first meeting only confirmed what I knew: that she had my heart; it also confirmed that this was not going to be a mellow, low key relationship. I was right and that's just fine by me. It is a relief to yell with emotion and not have to turn right away to comfort the other person. Just like I have never been as open hearted, I have never been more in touch with my anger which is a good, if challenging thing.

It is so true that love comes when you're not looking at least as often as when people haunt the halls of love.