More dreaming

(apparently I wrote this November 21 but never published it!?!?? color me confused.)

One of the dreams I had either last night, or the night before, it's all a bit fuzzy, involved driving at night with others in the car. As I drove the road became dark, to the point where I wondered if my lights were on, friends at first assured me that they were. Further on though it was clear that I was merely feeling my way on the road, moving along on blind faith, trusting my knowledge to prevent crashing. This theme, lights going out while driving, has occurred before but not for quite some time. Upon giving this some thought, I wondered yet again what it means. This time I am thinking that it involves feeling my way along a path that is familiar but not ingrained my muscle memory - as it were.

Last night I had another dream with a baby, again a recurring theme lately. Again it was a boy child too. He was happy, I was happy. We went to see my friend Abby, someone I've known longer than anyone but actual family. Then I went to a party like setting, a great deal like a Dance New England Camp Coordinating Group meeting (which I have been attending monthly in my new role of mentor). It was a light, happy sort of day. In the dream I had "received" the baby (he was adopted) on Thursday. In the dream I remembering thinking how his presence would impact my time at camp in the summer but felt confident about managing it.

After I woke I marveled at the fact of having another dream where I acquire a baby. Then I thought about the day mentioned in the dream - this past Thursday was the day I collected my things from Ohio and drove back towards New York. Babies and birthing dreams - new beginnings, creativity, changing or growing towards something perhaps? Am I still expanding, still moving on some unknown track towards something? The difference in this dream is adoption, being happy about the baby, introducing him (me? some aspect of me?) to people important to me. I still don't know but overall I felt good about this dream and I worked to feel better about the first dream which illustrates the idea of stepping off the edge, having faith that a net will appear or I will sprout wings.

More dreaming

One of the dreams I had either last night, or the night before, it's all a bit fuzzy, involved driving at night with others in the car. As I drove the road became dark, to the point where I wondered if my lights were on, friends at first assured me that they were. Further on though it was clear that I was merely feeling my way on the road, moving along on blind faith, trusting my knowledge to prevent crashing. This theme, lights going out while driving, has occurred before but not for quite some time. Upon giving this some thought, I wondered yet again what it means. This time I am thinking that it involves feeling my way along a path that is familiar but not ingrained my muscle memory - as it were.

Last night I had another dream with a baby, again a recurring theme lately. Again it was a boy child too. He was happy, I was happy. We went to see my friend Abby, someone I've known longer than anyone but actual family. Then I went to a party like setting, a great deal like a Dance New England Camp Coordinating Group meeting (which I have been attending monthly in my new role of mentor). It was a light, happy sort of day. In the dream I had "received" the baby (he was adopted) on Thursday. In the dream I remembering thinking how his presence would impact my time at camp in the summer but felt confident about managing it.

After I woke I marveled at the fact of having another dream where I acquire a baby. Then I thought about the day mentioned in the dream - this past Thursday was the day I collected my things from Ohio and drove back towards New York. Babies and birthing dreams - new beginnings, creativity, changing or growing towards something perhaps? Am I still expanding, still moving on some unknown track towards something? The difference in this dream is adoption, being happy about the baby, introducing him (me? some aspect of me?) to people important to me. I still don't know but overall I felt good about this dream and I worked to feel better about the first dream which illustrates the idea of stepping off the edge, having faith that a net will appear or I will sprout wings.

I knew I was forgetting something

For at least a week or so I kept thinking that there was a birthday I was forgetting about. TGF was February 1st. Jennie was January 29. Aunt Suze February 5th. My grandmother's would have been, I think, 90 on Wednesday. There wasn't another one I could conjure up until the 13th.

Suddenly yesterday I see an email with the subject "Re: Where you can find us" - the title I gave a post I wrote to many people once we had established residence. It was from Elaine, a former client. Her lovely daughter turned one and her mama was touching base with me. This birth was a hard one, I wrote about it here (it's labeled graphic because for some it would be, not for me but others maybe).

This is just the sort of thing that makes me ache to go back to the work. It is so special to be present at a birth, clients touch you in a major if short lived way. Those last moments of a birth, those first moments a new life in the room, it's like breathing in god. Somewhere in the chaos of the year since that birth, my subconscious remembered and kept nudging me. Had Elaine not written, I would have never realized what I kept searching for, and I could only begin to tell her in my email back to her how much it meant to me to hear from her. To hear how happy she is with her life as a parent, how much her daughter fills her with joy. I miss witnessing the glimmers of that doing doula work. I don't miss being on call but I miss the work, the joy in those rare moments that are not replicated by anything else I have even done.

Happy Birthday Hattie.

The last time here

All day Wednesday I played the waiting game. It started at about 6:40a.m. when my cell phone rang with my client voice at the other end. Contractions had woken her at 4:30a.m. and there seemed to be a rhythm that felt promising. I roused myself completely, threw my sleepy body in the shower (I hadn't gone to bed until about 1:00a.m.), and readied to leave. Kissed TGF who had fingers crossed that this would a nice and rather quick birth. She has only heard tell of births where I was home in less than 12 hours and has only seen ones where I was gone for 20 hours or better.

Driving briskly along since there was little traffic, what with it being a holiday and all, my cell phone rang with my client's lovely voice at the other end. She was literally at her door about to leave and decided she needed to reassess things, meaning she wasn't going to the hospital. We discussed everything, it really did seem like the right thing as I trust gut intuition. Exiting off the freeway and I zig zagged my way through the streets, returning home to surprise TGF. Throughout the day my client rang me and we talked about how she was doing, which was always great if a bit tired of being pregnant. I puttered and pondered the purgatory of being on-call; on one hand happy to do and sad this would be my last birth in California, grateful call would be over soon and a small sense of panic that this would my last ever.

We met up with Ruth and Piccolo for our walk to be followed by dinner at our place, a very low key 4th celebration. We headed over to Point Isabelle to watch the fireworks as we had done two year prior. This year however it was amazingly crowded and we were absolutely stunned - what had happened to our private, quiet little spot. Later TGF remembered that Oakland had canceled their light display which is what brought the crowds to our little oasis. Of course I had left my phone in the car and when we made our way back there was a voicemail. Gah! John* had left word that they had gone in for a check where they found her to be 3 centimeters. They had decided to augment and get things cranking. We drove home and I gathered a few things so I could turn right around and leave. It had been freezing by the water but as I headed to the hospital I found myself wondering if I had the heat on in the car. I looked at the thermometer in the car and saw it was 80 degree. People it was 11p.m.! This is not normal weather for "the flats" which is where I live, where the evenings are typically chilly even in the warmest seasons. I worried that I was dressed too warm but quickly remembered that hospitals are notoriously cold in the middle of the night. As it turned out I froze the entire time.

I ran into John in the hallway as I cruised through the halls looking for Amy's room. Amy* and her best friend Amy P were in hanging out when I walked through the door. It was nice to have the same "team" again. Amy P and I were additional supports for the birth of their first child. Amy was in a great rhythm and I held fast to TGF and Ruth's wishes for a fast birth and the goal of my getting home by 3am. The doctor we worked with was one of the best OBs I have ever had the honour of attending a birth with. This is not compliment I give often, though I wish I did. She was lovely, gentle and time constraints never mentioned.

There was a change in the intensity of contractions which cause a twinkle to be exchanged between Amy P and I. When there was an exam done, alas and alack she had progressed 1 centimeter in four hours. It was now 1:30a.m. and all parties were tired. I believe it was sometime around that point that Amy opted for an epidural, in part so she could get some rest. By around 3:30 she was pronounced 5 centimeters. Oh my. I fought doing the math while acknowledging that she had cut the time in half for the same amount of progress. This boded well but I knew too much about the vagaries of the body and birth to wish for anything in particular. Though continously cold, I nodded off here and there, the longest "nap" being probably 20 minutes. Three hours later she was completely dilated. Amy was a bit concerned because she didn't have any urge to push but the doctor was totally relaxed. "Well we will do a practice one or two and see what happens. If nothing then we'll wait a bit." I could have kissed this woman. The doctor got "suited up", saying I may not need all this if it's going to awhile but you never know. Well the baby was right there! Amy had pushed out her first baby in about 20 minutes. This time? it was about 4 pushes, 10 minutes total from first push to baby. Awesome. Beautiful boy born at 7:03 a.m. on July 5th.

It really was a lovely birth in many ways. Amy and John are a wonderful couple. They were my only repeat client in the Bay Area (I haven't done all that many births in the nearly six years I've been here, maybe 20). I felt very entwined with this family, a kinship with Amy - the first time I met her the connection was instantaneous. Also the birth I attended in February was for her brother's daughter, Amy's niece. That is a first for me, doing two immediate family members. A special privilege, it is hard to find the words to really describe the feeling that accompanies this experience. All ways around a lovely way to end my time here for this part of my identity, my life.

*no real names are used

From Sunrise to Sunset

(This post is very long and medically graphic. Fair warning.)

My client went into labour, thus ending my “on-call” status which was weighing heavy on my mind. It has been nearly two years since I last attended a birth and I was struck by how being on call felt like moving through mud rather than contributing to a sense of excitement in my world. The honeymoon, it appears, is over, long over. The first baby’s who birth I assisted at turned ten years old in early December, I’m not clear, not at all where all the time went. I was hoping for some sense of redemption, to gain my devotion, or perhaps something more base like make me feel good about this work again. I wish I could say it worked.

Tuesday I thought about my client Elaine* a lot, leaving her a voicemail to touch base. It was my official fourth day of not doing school work on purpose, and trying very hard not to think about it. I spent a lot of time trying to wind a ball of yarn. Again. It’s still not done by the way. The yarn is beautiful though I have no idea of the material (I’m guessing rayon maybe with some silk) or the yardage (I’m guessing at least 350 yard but perhaps as much as 600). But I digress.

At 11p.m. I thought perhaps I ought to head to bed but in typical fashion sleep did not occur until about 12:15a.m. A noise pierced my densely dream-packed sleep jarring me awake but far from coherent at 1:35 a.m. when it came to trying to figure out how to turn off the answering machine. I never did figure it out- we hung up and I called back. Elaine’s water had broken but nothing was really happening however the hospital told her to come in very soon. She was hesitant about that advice and I certainly had never heard that without certain concerns that someone needed to come in right away. I encouraged her to do what was most comfortable to her, to listen to her instincts. Of course the right thing to do would be right back to sleep, right? Instead of slumbering my brain wove like a car driven by a drunk teenager through the streets of anxiety. Eventually by coaching myself through breathing exercises and mentally chanting I fell back to sleep only to be awaken by the ring again at about 3:20a.m. Contractions were quite regular, every four minutes or so and Elaine felt like she wanted to go in and they would call me when they wanted my presence. Once again I tried to sleep just a bit until 4:01a.m. when Dan* called requesting my presence. A quick shower, an internet search for direction because I realized I hadn’t been to the hospital since their nephew’s birth two and half years prior and getting lost would not be a good thing, I was on my way. It was still quite dark out as it was about 4:40a.m. and there was a light rain.

The couple were in a good rhythm, contraction were happily regular and taking some attention but there was an angry looking IV sticking into her hand with the fluid being pumped in viciously fast causing a bloated look to her hand and forearm. It was already done, but I couldn’t see any reason for her to even have an IV yet but I could easily imagine the conversation that transpired before I got there.

Nurse: So we are just going to place an IV to give you fluids

E: Really? Do I need that? I really don’t like needles.

Nurse: Well it’s protocol, and if you decide later that you want an epidural we won’t have to do it later. It’s really better if we just do it now when things are easier and your labor isn’t as hard as it will get later, ad nauseam. Thus an IV that hurts the entire time is placed.

Elaine was not tied to “going natural”, and despite medical phobias including needles, she was open to an epidural. New policy means that only one support person can be in the room and she chose Dan, quite reasonably. I hate not being in the room like that. Why? Because docs can lie, because some nurses do not comfort well. Because damn it, it’s my job to be there! The reason for the policy change is due to a freak accident. I kid you not. Since I’m usually in the room I have no idea how long it takes to do the procedure. I know that sounds odd, but I am so focused on the clients I don’t watch a clock. It took three tried until I could reenter the room. Poor Elaine, it took three tries to get the dang thing placed and then the baby didn’t like the meds or the position or something so some minor and short lasting frenzy ensued. All was well but it rankled me that I was not there during the hubbub.

Things moved along, though I can’t say quickly as the epidural slowed labour- one of the potential side affects so pitocin was added. Everyone was excited when Elaine was close to complete, and which point to just let her body work to “labour the baby down” before starting to actively push. (Some day I may rant about the pushing circus that often ensues at hospital births.) The laboring down worked in that the baby really moved down and again much happiness filled the room. Pushing in earnest began at about 5:20 p.m. This stage is exciting but can feel exceedingly slow since the distance being measured is so short but often takes some time. Once pushing begins at a hospital there is often a “clock” that starts because protocol says X act (dilation, pushing) should take Y time and if there is a variation it is a pathological situation that needs intervention. As we approached the ends of the time table the midwife brought in an obstetrician for consult. An assisted delivery was recommended which means vacuum extraction. This was upsetting news for Elaine and Dan, and yes even me. I wasn’t surprised as I could tell how limited the progress was after 2.5 hours of pushing. There were questions and answers about potential outcomes, adverse effects, and all the rest.

Elaine and Dan agreed to the procedure and suddenly the room went into overdrive, overhead lights were flicked on, ending the soft lighting and more relaxed state. People were holding about 4 different conversations; a cart filled with instruments was wheeled in and uncovered with a flourish usually reserved for beautiful artwork. I checked in with Dan who looked a bit shaken and then went to Elaine where I leaned in close, whispering to her to close her eyes for a bit, take deep breaths to center herself. I spoke about how the vacuum was an assist to her heroic efforts rather than the vacuum saving the day or doing the birthing. I told her how strong she was, how amazingly hard she was working, focused on meeting her baby.

Once everything was in place however I had a hard time doing all that I was asking of her because there was such an urgency in the ob’s voice, as if the baby was at risk which was not the case! The baby had been tolerating labour and pushing beautifully and yet everyone in a cacophony of chaos started to chant “PUSH PUSH PUSH” with intense urgency. With the first attempt I began to see just a bit of head, internally relaxing just a bit because this was a good sign that the vacuum would work and this birth would not end in the operating room. The next contraction really brought the head out but then there was a stall, leading the ob to call out “supra pubic pressure”. I knew it meant there was some dystocia freaked me out a bit even as I told Elaine the head was out, you’re doing great, your baby’s is almost here. (Even typing this out I can feel my body tighten and my breathing getting shorter.)

Suddenly the baby was out, looking limp which again scared me, she started making small little crying sounds that let me exhale. Elaine starting crying, I think Dan might have as well, I know it took everything in my power not to bawl. It is days later and I still feel that heavy cry sitting inside me. The baby pinked up beautifully. The placenta followed pretty quickly though I wasn’t near Elaine for that as I was photographing the baby. It certainly looked healthy when held up and I assured Elaine, who had asked, that yes, some people do eat it but more people plant it under a tree. Most people have the hospital discard it.

It turns out that the baby had her left hand up by her face which technically is called a compound presentation. This is probably what held up her progress down the birth canal (Another potential rant- canal? A manmade construct for amazing path the baby travels to be born. Sheesh.) The use of vacuum also made for a fast delivery with no crowning which resulted in extensive damage to Elaine’s body. There are different degrees assigned to tears which happen in childbirth and I have never before had a client with a fourth degree. The ob spent at least an hour and a half repairing the damage, which included a long internal tear as well. This was incredibly stressful for Elaine who just wanted to be with her child.

At some point I had the baby placed on her chest so they could nuzzle together as the separation was so hard to watch. Finally it was over, some breastfeeding was attempted, Elaine was cleaned up, able to sit up for the first time since having her epidural placed nearly 12 hours previous. Family came in but I encouraged them not to stay too long and they graciously got the hint. I left shortly after that, driving home exhausted and so sad. I know Elaine is happy to not have had a cesarean but I am left here with Monday morning quarterback syndrome wondering if she would have been better off in terms of her healing and potential long term outcomes. Driving home I processed over and over again so many details. Like the midwife saying after the baby was born that she was starting to not tolerate the long pushing phase, this was not said before the decision was made – not even close. Could she have birthed a compound presentation? Possibly but there is no way to know that. Again the sky was dark and rain was falling.

I wanted my faith restored, I wanted to drink in the beauty of birth but I did not get refreshed the way I having been aching for in the past two years. This couple was not required to provide that, but they were my opportunity, my chance to recapture something. Dan’s sister is pregnant, due in about six months and she will be my first repeat client in California. I will pin the same hopes but my expectations will be even less as there are no guarantees. This is a hard path to walk- the sense of god, as in spirit not a entity in the room is so addicting, so compelling and I wanted to feel it again. At this birth I received just a whiff of it, just enough to leave me feeling like a little kid with her nose pressed against the bakery window, belly growling and the imaginary taste of sweetness dancing on my tongue.

* No real names are used and I do not identify the city or hospital for confidentiality purposes.

The last few days

Have been very busy somehow. Usually when left to my own devices I tend to stay home a lot and play up my hermit tendencies but somehow that hasn't happened during TGF's absence. TGF left very early Wednesday morning, after which I spent way too many hours untangling yarn until Friday night as recounted in the last entry. But aside from that what I have been doing? Darn good question. At this point I cannot remember much about Wednesday other than fighting with fiber, staying up way too late, and taking Wyatt to the dog park. Oh, yes at the dog park we met up with another pal of Wyatt's, Rue - a perfectly adorable vizsla and had a great chat with her owner, Kurt. In fact Wyatt met up with a number of his favorite females - Cece, Remy (I think that's her name), and Cassie as well.

Thursday I once again had to get up at an ungodly hour, well for me anyway, since I had to be in 45 miles east of home at 8:30 a.m. for a meeting involving my client. Of course there was a trip to the dog park. Later, group supervision up in Richmond. Needless to say I was a bit done in by that point so no hopping over to the bar.

In a quest to stop using vaguely illicit means to garner asthma meds, and to put Sunny's mind at ease (you try having a mother who is a bit of a hypochondriac and see how well she handles the information that you have no provider, haven't had a physical in a couple of years, and using less than legal practices to get medications) I had an appointment to do an intake for sliding scale medical care. From there I had to pick up my laptop baby, Lotus. I'm sure there was more, oh yes, the dog park (see a theme here?). Followed by more meditations with yarn.

Saturday I had an unexpected visit with someone from my GLBT knit list. For some reason I thought Sally's visit was next month but lo and behold it was this past weekend. She was visiting from Virginia with her good friend and housemate Amanda. We met up at Lacis which is an incredible place. I went there once soon after moving here and was overwhelmed with the books, needles, buttons, beads, displays, just everything. Unfortunately their website conveys NOTHING of the magic of this place. If you have have the vaguest interest in after fiber crafts (especially tatting), costume design, or a million other things visit this place. Really. Of course I wandered off to the knitting books and there were an armful of books I could have walked off had I the cash and bookshelf space. Of course I had to purchase something. Right? It is the cutest book, Monkeysuits: Sweaters & More to Knit for Kids. Really cute, clever patterns with great names like "Shrinking Violet", "Stripe it Rich", and "Tweedy Pie". A number of these are likely to find there way to T'Mane's closet.

From there we caught a bit to eat and had the most wonderful chat over yummy food. Sally was lovely and gracious, Amanda just so sweet! In addition to wonderful company Sally gifted me with some yarn - so unexpected. Almost right after I got home, or so it seemed, it was time to meet Ruth at the dog park where we had a lovely sunset walk. Nestled back at home I thought I had a quiet, silent night at home when there was a knock at the door and surprise it was Jennie with Graham on their way to Target. So I had a chance to offer her one of the hanks of yarn I received from Sally and a lovely spontaneous visit and shopping trip.

Sunday was a big day for Jennie's family as it was Graham's baptism day. So off to Alameda I cruised for the church service and then a number of us went out to eat some brunch. The baptism service was really lovely though I found the sermon itself a little off, somehow missing the peaks that could have been there. Lunch was great fun as I spent a lot of time chatting with new acquaintances Susan and Linda. However the high point may have been watching Kyle (Jennie's sweetie) teach Katie, who is 7 years old, and the rest of us the finer points of blowing the paper off of straws. Can you guess what I did next? Oh come on, of course you can! Yes, I went to the dog park with Ruth and Piccolo.

Monday morning I had a prenatal visit (no, not for me!) with my clients over in Montclair Village, in which resides a yarn shop (isn't the lamest website, I really don't see the point) so yes a visit ensued. Somehow three small balls of wool found their way into my arms - two in a deep purple and one in an off white, perhaps to be used together. They were, of course, on sale. Since all I had consumed up to this point was some coffee and it was now 1pm, needless to say some sustenance had to be put into this body immediately if not sooner. After which, yes, another trip to the dog park but today, just to break things up we went to Albany even though usually we reserve that place the weekend but the reality is I was cranky, tired and in no mood to go any further than absolutely necessary. Wyatt had a good romp, especially early on but found no one to play with despite various attempts on his part or other dogs approaching him. Nothing clicked for him, poor baby.

I thought I might nap but instead headed to the laptop to surf and write. The phone rang a little later with a call from a friend from out of town asking to get together. Sure I had intended to finish my paper but it is rare that I get to see her as she lives on the other coast. What a treat! Actually when I said to here that it was a treat to see her, she informed that me that I was quite gracious since she invited herself over up through spending the night. We stayed up quite late talking and she slipped out terribly early this morning without waking me at all.

So if you've been wondering where I've been and why there have been almost no posts here's part of the answer. I hope to do better but I cannot make any promises since TGF gets home tomorrow (YEAH!) but Thursday I go to my residential conference for school for several days. See y'all later.