Maybe its Mercury

No not the mercury as in the temperature, but Mercury the planet. My friend Ruth, Piccolo’s mom, was saying yesterday that Mercury was moving retrograde and in astrological terms it can be a bad time for communication, among other things. So maybe that’s part of it but I am feeling furious and very upset right now.

On a list I’m on I wrote very briefly having an eating disorder and that I had been thinking about writing about it on my blog. Someone suggested that I should start by not writing what I had earlier about being jealous of a friend’s slim body type. Excuse me? First, I really thought what I had written was flattering and second I was infuriated that this person slapped me on the wrist but in addition said nothing about what I had actually written about – which was that this was a hard subject for me, one I had never even brought out in therapy, ever. Thanks a fricking lot. I wrote to clarify my position and also said I was done on the subject. Then, then, a good friend on the list agreed that I had not been nice. And further, then wrote me privately to ask if I were stressed because my posts seemed a bit testy lately. Well fuck, I wasn’t particularly testy but after that I sure as hell was. TGF agreed that I hadn’t been particularly testy in my postings, but given that I fairly screamed the question at her, she may have only agreed with me to save herself from the banshee that was about to erupt. Honestly it took all my strength not to send a screaming email to my good friend.

This is not merely a hard subject for me. It is one of very deep pain and shame. I have an eating disorder. It is not normal to think about food as often as I do, which you just have to believe me when I say it is way too often – what will I eat, should I eat something different, is that really the best choice, why can’t I have more self control, I shouldn’t have eaten X but really should have eaten Y because it is of better quality, i.e. less fat, more fiber, more balanced etc. It is not reasonable to berate oneself on a daily basis for your body size. It is not healthy to wake up every morning and wonder if today is the day you will take control of the reigns of your eating habits. It is true that I no longer diet wildly, I binge considerably less, I no longer weigh myself 6 times a day (no this is not an exaggeration), I don’t take diet pills, or exercise for up to 2.5 hours a day.

What made me think about writing this entry a few weeks ago was that TGF was leaving the house for a significant period of time and I was going to have the house to myself, something I crave. What did I think of almost immediately upon her exit – “what can I eat?” It certainly isn’t like I don’t eat in front of her, I absolutely do, though it did take nearly a year of living together before I would eat ice cream out of the container in front of her – ice cream being a favorite binge food. As soon as that thought crossed my mind, the next one was “Dharma, this is not at all normal you know.” Another event was I had gotten something to eat one evening, a snack (probably involving ice cream) and TGF asked me what I was eating. A reasonable question, right? But for me, not so much. I nearly took her head off and she felt awful. In turn I felt like a horrible beast. She was sure that she must have done something along the way to elicit such a response and wanted to know what she had done, and how she could correct it. She had done nothing, not a blessed thing to inspire that response. I tried my best to convince her of that. Maybe this entry will help.

I first dieted when I was 12 years old, weighing 99 lb and standing 5 feet tall (or close to that I don’t think I grew much after age 12 and I am now 5 foot and a hair tall). In many ways I have been dieting the entire time since then, which is a couple or few decades now. My doctor, whom I adored, mentioned to my mother, after noting my weight that an eye should be kept on my eating habits. She obviously had a crystal ball. My first year in high school, I refused to eat anything during the week until the school day ended. On the way to the subway I would stop at this donut/small grocery place on 23^rd Street and 6^th Avenue right by the F train station where I would usually buy an 8 ounce container of Dann*n banana yogurt. On days when I felt decadent, thin, or defiant I would be an éclair. It was one or the other, but never both. I did eat dinner. The weekends, who remembers, but I suspect it went back and forth between a Spartan allotment of food and binging. Because I was sensitive to caffeine I had trouble when I took Dexatrim, I bought empty gel caps and divided the pills up, trying to build up a tolerance to it. Several times I took up smoking, starting at age 12 or 13, in order not to eat.

One night when I was 17 I took so many diuretic pills that I spent almost the entire night awake (again, mostly caffeine, a substance I still wasn’t used to) because I felt I could hear the building breathing and so paranoid that I was never more than 10 inches away from the phone. Another time, I was feeling great about my weight, it was low, I was barely eating, taking diet pills (aha! success in getting used to caffeine) only to have my ex-boyfriend tell me how worried he was about me because I had sunken dark circles under my eyes and was so pale. Really, I thought. But the scale says I am this wonderful low number so I must be fabulous? No? Huh. I did take some heed but I often reflected back on that time with nostalgia for my dedication and my weight. When I say some time, I mean years.

At about 23 or so, I forget the year, I found myself with an unplanned pregnancy despite my efforts to avoid such things (this happened three times – good thing I stopped sleeping with men, huh?). Trying to decide what to do was very hard, heart wrenching in fact. Among the many memories of that time, one of the visceral ones is looking at myself in the mirror liking how thin I was and how that would change, possibly forever if I continued the pregnancy. I was wearing a size 6 or 8 at the time. I cannot fathom being that small now, though I long for it daily. A year or two later, I was taking a semester long poetry workshop with Melinda Goodman, who was mentored by Audre Lorde. The assignment was to write a body poem. Mine was titled “Albatross”. About one or two years later, along with my partner at the time tried Fit for Life to try to cure some vague illness (that even then seemed mostly in her head) and me to support her but also because it promised, yes you guessed, I would shed weight.

In the intervening years between the last paragraph and now, I have gotten less extreme in the behaviors that could be videotaped but my thought patterns are no better and given that I have only twice, briefly had a size 10 in my closet in over a decade, it’s not because my weight is acceptable to me. I am tired, worn out by my struggles. There are literally hours a week spent in reverie of the glory days of my neurosis where my weight was down, even if in many ways I am happier and more accomplished in other areas of my life now. I have been fortunate in my last few relationships to find people who seem to adore my body. I wish I could feel the same way. There are moments, flickers of that peace and adoration and pleasure. They are magical, fleeting dreamscapes where I feel like I am flying. When they end, the emptiness is huge, the struggle feels insurmountable. It is midnight and the coach is a pumpkin once again, the horses are mice, and am back in the dungeon with a scrub brush trying to erase the years of abuse and hatred that I have imposed upon myself. Every once and again I look up and hoping against hope that that sliver of peace will return, even for a moment.

Just a taste of the heat

Was plenty for me.

Yesterday morning I saw a listing on Freecycle for two 25' foot soaker hoses. Free! Really could use those for the backyard - that dank, crusty, dried out, underplanted hell through which the Puppyman romps. They are in Walnut Creek. Okay. It's still free damn it.

In the afternoon I travel eastward. Before entering the Caldecott Tunnel I check the temperature on that handy dandy temperature and direction toy above the rear view mirror. I love having that thing, TGF mourns that she doesn't have one in our new to us Subaru Forrester (Thanks Sarah!). It shows 84 degrees. Not so bad. After barreling through the tunnel, within about 5 minutes on "the other side" it registers 96. Eek. As I drive it continues to climb.

Last week, while in stop and go traffic heading to Hot Pot City, the Purple Beast did not like the heat. Not at all. She died on the road. Twice. Luckily she started back up right away, but at her advanced age, and without a recent tune up, well the heat is not her friend. Today was hotter.

As I drive east the heat creeps up, making me a bit nervous. Of course not having really read the directions I take 680 South, quickly realizing I wanted North. Should be simple enough to turn around, right? If you said yes, you do not drive in California! Driving in circles I land in the center of Walnut Creek's shopping haven where the temperature reaches 112! Yes, I said 112. Please note dear readers I am driving without air conditioning in order not to stress PB. I finally wind myself to 680 North and as I am coming right up on my exit, Treat Avenue, she conks out. Again, she quickly starts back up but man, was that stressful. I find the address I want more easily than I had hoped given my early screw up. I decide it would be best to give Purple Beast a break so I go up the road to a Peet's on Ygnacio Valley Road. Deciding that it would be appropriate to update TGF I find some relative shade under the eave of the little strip mall and call.

The heat, about 110 according to the car, isn't so bad standing still, in some shade. Until I step in Peet's. It's air conditioned and I now feel the heat, now it feels like it was just all too much. I think, jeez, modern life really makes us kind of wimpy. Meanwhile I enjoyed my vanilla latte with a scone. What was I saying about modern life? About 20 minutes later I get some gas (did I mention I was close to empty?) and find my way back to 680 when I look up at the temperature - 115 - one hundred and freaking fifteen! I am still driving without air conditioning. Driving I am silently praying that the temperatures will reverse downward. By the time I am back at the tunnel entrance it's about 103. Emerging from the tunnel, whew 85. Yesssss! As I drive on the access road to the west of 80/580, along side the water, getting close to home, there is a lovely breeze and the car registers 71. 115-71= 44! A forty-four degree difference. How is that possible in a 25 mile span. I ask you. No really, how is that possible? Sure I understand a bunch of it, but the reality of it is a bit mind blowing.

Hm. 1.5 gallons of gas? Maybe less. So perhaps $4.00
Vanilla latte and lemon curd scone, with tip $6.00

Did I say free?

Where did the time go?

So my dearest Jennie, not to subtly, pointed out that I hadn't posted in nine days. I thought, could that be right? But I guess it is. I've been busy. My creativity a bit tapped out, I confess.

On a positive note:
- I finished and SUBMITTED one of two papers to Dr. Fox (yes, that really is the name). Even started the second one.
- Did the first 3 deposits of checks for DNE.
- Am majorly caught up on data entry of registrations.
- Have handled a bunch of work exchange details for camp as well.
- Have been in contact with two potential layout people for the BirthWays newsletter.
- Am only one week behind in progress notes for work.
- Have been to the dog park(s) a lot more lately.
- Have done a fair amount of socializing with out of towners and local folks.

In the last two weeks I've been to:
Fondue Freds in Berkeley, which was kind of disappointing this time around, as already noted by Jennie and Andrea (look under July 21st). We didn't have our usual lovely if a bit slow server. But the company was great. And still I didn't really talk to Lucinda and Jen. How does this keep happening???

A fantabulous potluck at Ruthie's house where the kids in attendance had way too much fun. Two little girls who had never met declared themselves cousins.

Santa Cruz Diner for breakfast with more fabulous folks.

Grilled tofu dogs at Seabright Beach, later that day. Grilled is definitely the best way to eat tofu hot dogs. Given that I am not a huge fan of any version of hot dogs I realize I am not the best judge of these delicate tidbits.

Then for the folks in my life who delight in meat we met up at Hot Pot City. I have not been to one of these places before but it was great fun, even without meat, which is how I enjoyed the meal. Among the delights I enjoyed was a bowl of rice with sesame sauce, scallions and crushed peanuts - YUM. Andrea and Liz hadn't realized that meat is not a mainstay of my diet and were very concerned that I wouldn't find enough to eat - so not a problem. Liz and I then went to Fantasia, despite our stuffed bellies for toffee crack. Liz assured me that she was a regular. Sure enough she is - we barely sidled up to the counter when a guy in the back looked up at her. She responded with a hand signal indicating that she needed two of something. But no fear, he knew exactly two of what. "He's the toffee crack master", Liz confided while he worked his magic out of our line of vision. Ah good stuff.

Andrea pondered, while we rolled down the concrete pathway at this large mall strip where our next food adventure might be. I have since come up with a few possibilities and await the election totals.

House of Chicken and Waffles

Taxi Brousse

We are open to ideas and more folks to join in. I'm thinking for example, Wen, what ya doing these days? When do you get back from Chicago? Hey I just checked your blog - you're back!!! You won a gold! Way to go. And of course Lucinda and Jen - I swear one day we will converse!

So thus completes one of my lamest posts ever, heralding a milestone in my life as a blogger.

Socks and bed

Some time ago there was a very short lived thread on the glbt-knit list about house socks. Well maybe that was what they were called. I just remember that I totally understood the need for socks that worn particularly in the morning and went along with sleep clothes, or lounge wear type things.

My lounge type wear is an old pair of mens joe bo*ers pajama type black cotton pants, and some cozy top or another - I have quite a number. I have a favorite pair of socks, that may have been hand knit, thick gray wool, ankle length. I love these socks for around the house but I have recently discovered a hole!

Clearly this is a sign from above that I need to learn how to make socks. Several weeks back I had started on a what seemed like a simple pair to try. All in all I thought they came out pretty good. Not perfect, but as someone recently said on that same list, "that there should be a mistake in everything because only god could make a perfect thing". As one can easily see, I had a bit of difficulty with the short row heel thing. Oh well. First attempts and all that.

This yarn, called Country (formerly named Tapestry) by Cleckheaton, knitted up quickly on size 6 double pointed needles. Well mostly size 6, I lost my 5th needle and substituted a size 4 I think it was. Maybe a 3. But it worked. I finally got them in the mail and Sunny received them today. As predicted they are totally her colours.

In addition I am working on a cat bed for my Niya, who lives in Whately, MA with my ex. The yarn I've been using is GORGEOUS! It's Debbie Bliss's Soho in colourway 37509. The colour is so much better looking in person than anywhere I've seen online. I am using this pattern, by Wendy. Quickly in the process I realized the yarn called for in the pattern is significantly bulkier than what I was using. Luckily Wendy is a sweet and lovely woman who answered my question of how to adapt the pattern to my yarn.



Here is what the bed looked like with almost one full ball knitted up. I am on the third ball and I am unclear how many balls I will ultimately use but I have plenty. I am very tempted to buy more of this yarn and make myself a sweater. Yeah, right, I hear you. I haven't even done a swatch for the shrug that I planned to make myself. A girl can dream.

I guess it's fate

According to a site, that Wen found, my name means this. If that isn't the primary role, definition, whathaveyou of a therapist, than I'll eat my eat. Er, if i had one that was tasty, that is.

Yes I know I have been very absent from my blog of late my dear loyal 10 readers. It is in part because of things related to my fate - school is taking significant time.

As is Dance New England - registration is cranking and I am behind. I know y'all are so surprised. So instead of accompanying the beloved GF to Costc* to pick up the exciting items of cigarettes (for her), gum (for both of us), pigs ears (for Wyatt), coffee (for both of us), chicken (for the cats), and whatever else catches the attention I am about to head up to my office for a marathon data entry session. Why a marathon, other than I am behind, you ask. I found out today compliments of a 7 frigging A.M. phone call on My. Home. Phone. (I have a separate phone line just for DNE!) that there is a meeting on Saturday for which numbers must be culled. Yes, that person will be reprimanded for such actions, I assure you.

Also keeping me up at night is a little disaster I had with my computer which caused all the BirthWays email to be deeply hided on my computer. Somewhere. Which of course means yet another level of delay in getting out the newsletter.

Yeah, life is good. Not. Well actually in some ways it is. I love my DNE work, really I do, except for those pesky phone calls at obscene hours on my home line. BirthWays, well that's a litle more vague. But the kittens, Marcel and Sanaa, are still lovely creatures who I just adore. The other critters of the house make me smile everyday.

And then there is TGF who has had extraordinary patience with my crummy moods of late. She is the best. Of course some quality time in the bedroom the other night also has improved my outlook in a major way. With the amount of stress I have been feeling,my libido has, well, hung the "On Vacation" sign on my body. But after spatting over some smaller and larger things, it was clear that this was not helping my stress, TGF's stress, nor was the lack of sensuality offering a more productive Dharma. Just a miserable one. I happy to say that spending some fun time with TGF was just what the doctor ordered, assuming one could actually find such a cool doc. I still have the same load hanging over my head but I feel clearer. Perhaps more importantly, I feel reconnected with TGF, which is always a good thing.

My allegiance

Has been misrepresented, abbreviated, or otherwise misstated by TGF. While talking about her missing celebrations of the 4th, she stated that I don't "believe that this country deserves to celebrate" which is not exactly my feelings and I believe minimizes my feelings about the country I live in, which are complex, at best. In truth I don't have a convenient or easy way to talk about my feelings. While I have been tempted to take advantage of my Austrian heritage and relocate, I haven't done it. (Hm seems that they changed the rules and I can't easily claim citizenship there anymore. Damn procrastination strikes again.) I would miss people, need to learn German (though I hear it's pretty easy) and a million other things.

Like TGF, I also do not see the solution to this country's ills for people like me (which include the probably 10 people who read this blog) to leave and simply drop the ball. There is a saying in judaism, I can't quite remember the wording (and I cannot find it on the web!) but it goes something like "you are not required to finish the task but you must work on it". The actual quote is SO much better, more eloquent.

Found it!
One simple quote in the Pirkei Avot, the teachings of the fathers, says, "You are not required to finish the work, neither are you free to desist from it."

That sums up why I wouldn't easily leave the united states. I think it sums up how TGF feels too, by what she wrote in her post. As to how I feel about this country? I do recognize that there are freedoms here that we believe are inherent and are dumbfounded when we learn it is not a worldwide fact. But I also feel there is not a true democracy, even as we enforce our very twisted concept of this political system all over the world (some of whom excel at it and if we were honest we would be redfaced at the difference of what we sell).

I am outraged that other countries are more accepting, legally speaking than ours to gay and lesbian folks, that I have to settle for domestic partnership that only holds in the state we live in and is useless when we travel or should we move.

This site helps me to give numbers and figures to why I am less than automatically celebratory on the 4th. Given our current presizanut and congress, it makes it hard to remember and honour what is good because there is so much bad. I feel that rights are being taken away, that free speech is on a death watch.

On a much more personal note, I am not one for big bashes where drinking abounds, which has been much of my experience of parties for 7/4, memorial day and such. I also am not fond of crowds much of the time so gatherings for fireworks can be a challenge for me, though I do know the pleasure of everyone being in awe at the fireworks, as TGF mentioned. I have to gear up for crowds, one of the reasons that Pride marches are not as compelling as they used to be for me.

The fact that I could go to the biggest one right here in my backyard in San Francisco does compel me - I do think I ought to go once at least because it's one of those cool things one can say they have done. But here again, the message is so fuzzy these days. The SF "march", like many of them is more of a celebratory parade, in a time when I think there is still so to be done that if feels like a disservice to water it down. I mean, hell it's on freaking television out here, like the M*acy's Thanksg*ving Day Parade - complete with sponsor floats. On one hand I am amazed and happy to see all these big corporations "supporting" us, but I know that it's about the almighty dollar more than ethics for many of them. I suppose I could get my pride fix and suffer less qualms by going to the dyke march. Maybe next year we will go to both and see how we each feel.

What does this have to do the 4th? Hm, good question my dear readers. For me, celebrations are complex and never easy. The commercialism that abounds taints the event for me. I like developing our own "holidays" like we did for chanukah this year, and our harvest blessing party. Those are more clear and fill with me with joy. In time I suspect TGF and I will figure the maze of our differences with regards to holidays. I have promised to try to be more aware of those dates on the calendar and will always help her with any party, gathering or what have you she dreams up. For me, her being happy is more important than my very complex and rather inarticulate feelings about this country.

So I am trying

to get this damn button on my sidebar. But nothing I do seems to work. So I am pasting the *(#*($*#(% jpeg into my blog via a post and see if someone out in the blog universe can help me. Even TGF, a supergeek isn't able to help. Of course she hasn't had her second cup of java yet. But damn! Ya know? Well at least I got my flicker badge set up. Small and meek but it's there. Yeah, I know I have more important things to do but sometimes it's a matter of style over substance (name that movie reference!).

Sanaa & Marcel, the foster babies

Yes, they are still here and we are painfully attached to them. Sanaa and Marcel have wrapped their very tiny paws around our hearts. Tomorrow they will be 5 weeks old and we have had them since they were about 10 days old.






In a bittersweet development, they are starting to eat regular kitten food which means we are slowly weaning them off bottles. This means greater freedom for us mamas and them in they are having more say in when they eat and we don't have to be responsible for every morsel they consume.



In really shocking turn of events, Atticus aka Stitch, Experiment 626, has become an amazingly loving big brother.


Sanaa stood up to him one day and puffed her little self up as big as possible, hissing and swatted at him, while they were vying for the turf that is my lap. Ever since then, poof, he loves her and Marcel.


Recently we procured a playpen off Freecycl* to use in the living room to give them room to roam but still be contained. Atticus climbs in there with them to hang out. He grooms them both, and they cuddle up to him. We often find them all snugged up together sleeping in the afternoon in there.



We aren't not sure who will adopt them or even if they will go to the same home, but they sure do love each other. I do know that I really want to know the people who take them because I would love to be able to stay connected to these special beasts.

More Albany Bulb Photos

This is long overdue, as these photos are about 2 weeks old but life has been well, y'all read the poop post right? Albany bulb is an amazing place with little hidden spots of art. Unfortunately the battery was running low the day I shot these so I only have a few glimpses of the gems seen that day.


Cat on a Rock.















Man Riding Sea Beast. I wish there was something to indicate scale. In fact I didn't even get the end of the beast's tail in this photo - it keeps going. It's waaaay longer than a h*mmer3. How's that for some perspective.







One of the many panels of art. Unfortunately on each visit another one of these amazing paintings have been tagged by thoughtless individuals.








Old Man by the Sea. He is quite tall in reality. Hm, maybe about 8 feet*?











She Brings Offerings




I could take a thousand photos of her and still find something new to highlight. I would estimate her about about 10 feet total height*.

When you come down one path she greets you just like this, it's an amazing sight after the relative wilderness one traipses through to have this directly in your path at the bottom.






*I suck at estimating scale, but these are really big, way beyond life size

But I'd rather be....

Life these days is odd, unstructured and I waste far too many hours on things like this. I found it through Chris Glass's blog, no I don't know who the hell he is and I no longer remember where I found linked in the first damn place.

Do you think Mad*nna would send me tickets to her new "Confessions" tour if I sent her this?

Yeah, I know I should be reading chapters in Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy instead of writing inane posts.

Okay, I'll get right on that.

The Poop

The poop keeps landing on me, I keep slipping in the poop, work is full of poop, and I'm gonna give you the straight poop. Yes, I'm trying to be funny but considering my stress level these days I doubt I will succeed.

Kittens - lots of poop. My first night back from my residential conference for school, I arrived home just in time for feeding the babies. And to apparently make up for lost time ruining perfectly clean clothes with pee and poop. Last night I again was hit by the very talented Marcel, just as I thought I was safe.

Residential Conference - lots of good poop. Really. I didn't get as much done as I wanted in terms of catching up, though I did actually read a text book! I made a great reconnection with a local therapist out here who is associated with the Pacific Center and the Women's Therapy Center. Received lots of validation about how the notes I have to write for work are horrible. Did my bit as a sex goddess, cast my mojo and my colleague finally got laid - first person since her divorce about 2 years ago! This resulted in losing my room for the night, which in turn resulted in an outrageous all-nighter pulled for no real reason but I got to see the sunrise over the bay with my new bud, Sandra.

Knitting - a little poop. A newbie in my program had a cold head so I offered to make her a hat. This resulted in visiting a LYS (local yarn store), oh the horror! Unfortunately it appears the Creative Hands doesn't have a website but you can find a review of the store here. I didn't have large enough needles (8 or 9 dpns) and really the yarn I had was too thin. So I used Jo Sharp Rare Comfort Mohair in Jasmine Tea, and purchased Queensland Collection Llama Seta in 14. (At this website it is SO much cheaper than it was in the LYS!). This Queensland stuff is heavenly, very tempted to buy a bunch and make a sweater for TGF. Made a sweet little hat.

Just about finished the one ankle sock thing (LouLous from Knitty.com) - turning the heel wasn't too bad. I have since finished it off with the picot edging - very cute and have begun the second sock. Jennie - I will not suffer second syndrome, I just won't!

Since Niya isn't feeling too well, I really must start working on her cat bed. Chris was sweet enough to purchase some yarn (colourway #37509) I was contemplating for the project. She bought it from WEBS - yarn nirvana which I intend to wallow in when I am back east in the last summer. This stuff is beautiful! The photo on the website does not do it justice. I think I need to buy more of this stuff! It's on close out.

Work - random poop. All in all it's going really well, considering having a schedule, a fairly quiet client, and needing to do inane paperwork is hardly what I could call my strong suit. Apparently the office coordinators think my notes are great and want me to take another client when I return in September from my great adventures. I suppose I will because it's experience and it's some pay though hardly enough I tell ya what!

BirthWays - I'm buried in the poop. Newsletter hell is poop. I am very behind in nagging folks for re-upping their advertising. We lost of layout person and I am trying to find some lovely, competent and fast person to replace him.

Dance New England - up to my eyeballs in the poop. Behind here as well. Really need to download the new database structure and start entering registrations which are in just about 4 piles on my desk.

School - I can't even talk about that poop.

So that's my poop. How's yours?

Because I use Jennie as a guide....

From Jennie's knitting blog, which of course is separate from her other one:

From Rabbitch's blog, so of course it belongs in my knitting blog.

She writes, "Almost afraid to do this one, here. " I'm definitely afraid.

Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me — it can only be one word long. Then copy and paste this into your blog so that I may leave a word about you.

So in attempt to match the bravery of these wonderful women, here goes nothing.

The Albany Bulb

Saturday we went to the Albany Bulb for the second time. Last week we went with Wyatt and Piccolo but without Ruth, Pic's, because we were doing a dogsitting exchange. Ruth was lovely enough to take Wyatt on an overnight last Saturday and we were able to hang with Sue & Sarah without worrying about what the boy might get into while alone. So we took them to the park on Sunday.

We had heard various stories about the Bulb from Jill the photographer/activist and JJ, the dog walker. But nothing can quite prepare you for what is there. It is an amazing bit of industrial wilderness, at least that's one of the ways I described it during our visit last week. TGF said it brought to mind Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Now I really want to see Jill's photos from that area.

Last week upon arrival there was a gathering that could be best described as some offshoot of Rainbow or some other pagan "let's brunch at the funky beach just off the freeway" grouping. (And yes, being true to my name, I have attended a gathering, in fact I hitchhiked my way in to the site.) TGF hoo'ed and ptoo'ed them but that's okay. The kids (Wyatt and Piccolo) played in the surf - we both wished I had the camera for this. Here's a shot from this week's adventure there.

People have done a lot of work, from placing hunks of concrete along the waters edge to create a path, to art on large slabs of concrete, to placing little decals of paint or metal tiles. There is even a "shoe tree". Sorry I didn't take a picture of that one.





We took a totally different path with Ruth from the stepping stone water front. This week we found a decorated bunker that I am sure has served as a home to many folks, when homeless people were in residence here. We looked around inside and climbed up the stairs and stood on the roof of it - wonderful views from there. There are many ways to transverse this place and each one seems to lead to interesting artwork that has been created here. I really want to take Greg & Janet here when next they visit.


It really is a wondrous place, the art making it feel magical in a very odd, rather incongruous way but beautiful. Here a few more photos to give you an idea of what you might find while hiking here.

Bicycle wheels still catching a spin in the bay breezes










Mirrored rock amid blooms

Our pups at play.

It was a lovely afternoon.

Now this definition I understand

Perhaps it is shameful, but mostly I don't understand what it meant when people bandy about the word "postmodern" and it's various incarnations (postmodernism, -ist). But this one I get and do think it is a fairly accurate protrayal of the one that is Dharma

"You scored as Postmodernist. Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis

Postmodernist 94%
Cultural Creative 94%
Existentialist 64%
Idealist 56%
Romanticist 38%
Modernist 31%
Materialist 31%
Fundamentalist 13%

What is Your World View? (updated)
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Is this a good thing?

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
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A new work in progress (Sunny don't read this one!)

I just couldn't help myself. T'Mane's sweater pattern is easy, but a tad boring. Besides at the rate T'Mane is growing it will big on her for awhile, so I figure I have time. The back is finished, I have about half of one sleeve done and I have realized that the magazine, Knit It, was wrong about how many skeins it will take to make the top and pants. In my possession are 3 skeins of Sirdar Snuggly DK in "khaki" and 1 skein of "lavender" (I think they call it "Blueberry") for the trim. The 3 skeins of khaki are definitely going to be enough for the top but I will need probably 2 more for the pants. I suppose if I did the math I would know for sure, but I just need to find some more of the colour. There is no way to get the same dye lot I'm sure but I figure it won't matter that much. What is more annoying is Knit It! doesn't have a website, and though all (maybe all) the yarns are L*on's Brand, there isn't a correction on that website either. Frustrating. Well at least one of the other patterns from that issue that I might make (Spring 2006) has corrections noted on the website. Now before anyone suggests that I used a different yarn, I want to offer in my defense that the Sirdar gauge on the label is exactly the same as the gauge noted for the pattern and my gauge swatch!

The Cleckheaton "Tapestry" (now called Country and this colour has been unfortunately discontinued) has been whispering to me, "Go ahead, try some socks with me". Knitty's "Lou Lou" socks seemed sweet. The other night I could hold back no longer and though I had never done short rows, I embarked upon my adventure. The pattern calls for size 5 but the yarn calls for 6 and I havee a set of double pointed size 6 so a decision was made. Besides these are just a practice pair, right? I attempted the first set of short rows for the toe and it didn't come out quite right but it was close. Frogged all of it. Crocheted a new 22 stitch chain and put it away for the night (I was doing this in bed, while TGF drifted off to dreamland). The next day, during my group supervision meeting, I started the short rows - it worked! Proceeded to start my rounds of stockinette. It seems quite clear that I will have more than enough yarn to make these into ankle length socks, which I think I will do. TGF thinks the colours would be good for Sunny, and I agree as I had mentally tagged this yarn for her. I have tried on what I have done so far and I think they will be on the large size for her but cozy. I suppose I could try to shrink it a bit, maybe in the dryer? I don't really know.

I realize I have it easy, using this yarn because compared to regular sock yarn it is bulky and I am using large needles (again by comparison), but I feel pretty hooked on the concept of making socks. I would like to try a pair using regular sock yarn such as this stuff - the colour is beautiful! Mirabella looks beautiful, but a bit advanced perhaps. Amy's socks look nice, of course I'd have to learn the provisional cast on technique. Now of course there is a certain reality I am ignoring in my glee right now - I haven't attempted a heel yet. I hear tell that could be my downfall.



Then last night I pulled out this pattern and a ball of Jo Sharp "Rare Comfort Kid Mohair", in colour Jasmine Tea. However before I could do a test swatch TGF looked in askance saying "That doesn't look like crawling into bed and cuddling." I am concerned about the dimensions given in the pattern as, well, frankly the lovely woman in the photo is very slender and I am most certainly am not. In fact because my arms are on the large size (even when I weigh less, I have fairly bulky muscle) it can be challenging to find tops that work on me. This pattern is lovely but very different and wouldn't work with the Jo Sharp yarn. Elann has a beautiful one, but would take more attention and again, wrong yarn. Of course I'm not sure I entirely understand Leigh's pattern but I didn't think I understood short rows until the day before yesterday. However mohair yarn doesn't always do well with frogging, though I do have 5 or 6 balls, and I could get more but not at the same fabulous price (I found these at 1/2 off back in November) nor the same dye lot. Am I crazy for trying it? Probably but well, so what? Well, so what, one might offer is, er, what about school work and work? Yeah. Well, it's still a struggle and quite frankly the knitting is key to my sanity right now. Perhaps that a bit of an inversion in that having many WIPs (works in progress) is the road to insanity. Sigh. But productive insanity, I say. My niece will be kept in homemade knitted garments and hopefully toys as well. Sunny will continue to get long distance hugs this way. The Girl Friend will have scarves, hats, mittens (one day, I promise honey!), and other items to help keep her warm - she chills most easily. And hopefully many friends will continue to be recipients as well. I have so many plans for various folks in my life. I can't blog about them because, well they read this damn thing. Imagine that!

Yes, We Are The Suckers!

(Cue the music )

The phone rings at 12:30am, yes you read that right, freaking A.M. It was Sue, calling The Girl Friend's cell phone. Words like "damn" are uttered. TGF says, if she doesn’t leave a voicemail, it’s nothing big, but if she does it means something is up with one of the boys. Moments pass. TGF foolishly breathes a sigh of relief. As I am about to say that it could take a moment for voicemail to register, the phone beeps, Yes there is a message at this hour just for you, it says, mocking TGF. Sue is telling us about a pair of abandoned kittens. Okay, not exactly an emergency but a note is made to call her back in the morning. Somehow between that phone call and, oh about, 10 hours later, arrangements are made for the kittens to come to the Cedar Street Zoo and Rehabilitation Center.

After going to Jennie’s to make my weekly karmic deposit (I’m helping her organize her home) I return home to a dining table full of folks (Sue, Sarah, Eric and Isaiah), and two terribly cute and TINY kittens. From research on the web, Sarah estimates them at about 8 days old. Yes you read that right, 8 days. Their eyes are open – just, their ears are unfolded – barely, and they weight 6 and 6.5 ounces. Yes that’s less bulky than a petit S*zzler steak. So not worth eating weight yet.

Yes, of course I took pictures already. How could one not, I ask you? For the moment their names: Marcel, the white with orange spots, which is French and means “warrior”. We decided that calling him “Creamsicle” just wasn’t working for us, nor for him. The beautiful dark striper, is Sanaa, which is Swahili and means “work of beauty”.

Yes they really fit in these

classic Fiesta teacups.

Lest you think these are really the MUGS we drink our coffee from in an attempt to fool thee, here are the cups next to a standard pint glass.

So life here is filled with bottles, loads of kitten laundry, and some jealousy. Atticus, as TGF blogged about, is less than pleased about HIS mama holding babies. Last night he finally swatted at them, which got him a scolding. Wyatt is quite curious about them, getting very concerned when they cry and always, always wanting to lick them.

I tell you, there is something about feeding kittens by the bottle that just makes the world feel okay. Marcel likes to crawl up on my shoulder and burrow into the nape of my neck, making a nest out of my hair - good times, I tell you.

Next Monday night or Tuesday morning I go off to my school conference, the kittens got here Tuesday night, by Wednesday I told TFG that she was going to have to bring them for a visit at the hotel because I don't think I can go until Saturday without seeing them. Can you blame me??

Status Update

Some things are better. Really. Hell I even cooked dinner last night. The Girl Friend and I went food shopping the other day and I picked up a few things with a vague notion of what I actually needed for some recipes, figuring I could wing it or pick up the missing pieces once I was ready to cook. Chancing that it would be something she liked, and since I had all the ingredients I made "Polenta-Filled Red Peppers" from The Meatless Gourmet. This book has a ton of great, fairly simple recipes (though simple is not a requirement for me!) with lots of basic ingredient - nothing too exotic (again not a requirement for me). I received this book as a wedding shower gift many many moons ago and it has served me well. Add a salad and some Herb Slab bread from Acme fresh from the corner, and voila - Dinner.

My office, as I may have mentioned, maybe not, is done! Okay there still isn't artwork on the walls. I think Cynthia's painting will work in here, and the two Janet prints that need framing will definitely live here. But, but, curtains are hung, the bed is set up and it looks great! And feels great.

Here to your left is the view from the door. Sorry it's a little dark. Could have sworn I had the flash on.








Here on the right is the view to the left of the door, taken from the diagonal corner.





The bed! My favorite place to sit and study, play on the computer, and write.

As you can see the cats enjoy the bed as well.

I am so happy to have this retreat.


The rest of the updates. I am caught up on my progress notes for work. Major accomplishment. Without J there it will be interesting to see how much I am asked to rewrite. I have mixed feelings about this, as I do think I was learning a lot (hence growth, hence pain, hence my resistance) with the edits. After having my first supervision with R, well, I was reminded that J really did do some good work with me. Such a mixed bag, getting what you ask for.

Except for this week, I usually go to the dog park 4 times a week, which means while it's mostly strolling and frequently stops, I get walking in and I am outside. I have really missed it this week. On a related topic, I am trying to be more aware of what and how much I eat in order to deal with the return of most the weight I lost 2 years ago. It's been about a year since it returned and I am tired of it, especially since the plan was to lose more, not gain it back. Soon that Pilates DVD will find it's way into the desktop computer in my office. There's a reason the floorplan calls for space in the middle of the room!

School. I am trying to frame this as positively as possible, as TGF keeps reminding me. It is hard not to beat myself up for how behind I am, and behind barely describes it. Drowning would be more accurate. However, I am attempting to be positive here. I posted the week 5 response in one class (note - this was due in April!). Have done the reading for week 6 in the same class. This is an accomplishment. I have been posting irregularly to the "journal" portion of my Practicum class. I have a lot to do in so very little time and discipline is not my strong suit. Well it is for some things. The perfectionism and thus the procrasination that has followed me forever are getting old. I am feeling like I really need and am able to do something about it, though I don't know what that is yet. I'm sure I will write more about that later, but now I must get my butt out the door for group supervision.

Update featuring yarn

It's been a time of successes and battles. As previously posted Melissa's square was an uphill battle. I did finally finish Secret Project #2! It was scarf made from 1 ball of Trendsetter Yarns "Muse" in colourway 1477. I originally found this yarn while at the fire sale of Goldman's Yarn in NY, unfortunately there was only the one ball so the scarf is not very longer. However I knew I had to have it because it was perfect for Jennie, the giftee! This yarn is 65% kid mohair, and 35% acrylic.

All in all it was quite fine to work with, though the project took infinitely longer than it should have. I first tried this Feather Lace Scarf pattern that I found on the web. The pattern didn't feel like it had a rhythm and after 2-3 pattern repeats, well I wasn't seeing the pattern! So frogging occurred.

Then I found Rabbit Tracks, and it was a breeze to memorize, and looked really pretty. In trying to find the pattern I found someone else who just finished this pattern as well! Beautiful colour. The pattern called for size 11 needles but I used, um, 8s I think. I mistakenly worried that it wouldn't be wide enough so I increased the number of stitches to be cast on. Foolish. Naive. Anyway I proceeded, fearing more and more that I should have stuck with the pattern, then I discovered a dropped stitch. Oy! Still I didn't frogged. I still can't remember what made me frog but I did. Essentially I knit the scarf at least 1.5 times! This yarn turns out to be fairly sturdy given all the frogging I did so I am doubly pleased with it.


The other thing that made me happy is while the colour looked lovely in a ball it truly comes into it's full beauty when knit up. I will show you.

The last thing I had to do was block which I did, very last minute on Tuesday morning knowing that I would see Jennie that night. Luckily it dries quickly.

I am quite pleased with it overall, though I wish I had two balls so it could have been longer.

I want to thank The Girl Friend for helping with the photos. Those are her hands one can catch glimpses of in these photos.

Once I finished this scarf, except for blocking I cast on for T'Mane's next outfit. Very exciting! So far it's going very well and rather quickly. I have more than half the back done and I just cast on last Wednesday. The yarn is Sirdar Snuggle DK and is a dream to work with so fair. Soft, good stitch definition.














I am debating finding a way to do two sleeves at once but I don't know if I have 14-inch size 6 needles. Of course circulars would be a better option in terms of navigating with space and all that. I wish I could so something like that with the two fronts also, maybe I can work it out. I hope to have it finished in something like a reasonable time frame.

Well that's about it for now.. Greg, please wake up now.

Progress on Square - On the block

Well I had great ideas for Melissa's block. I decided to use some of the stash I acquired off of Freecycle of Lio*n Brand Homespun because I know she has used this yarn and likes it. I contemplated various stitch patterns and finally decided to make a yarn painting. A very crude yarn painting as it turns out. This is my first attempt mixing colours and certainly my first time using yarn to make an illustration! I ripped and restarted many sections, more than once sometimes. I tried just going free hand and realized that is a HUGE mistake for a beginner. So I sketched out what I wanted to try to do in yarn with some crayons (this did not end the cycle of frogging):


I can assure you that the block looks nothing like this! I realized after numerous restarts and frogging that in order to do something like this again in the future (shoot me now!) I really ought to have done SSK, and K2Tog sort of stitching to give a more graceful look.

This is how it looks just pinned, shot with no flash.

This is how it looks shot with a flash.
Gotta love the flash! Makes it look so much nicer. I doubt very much it will look this flat and pulled together, even after blocking but there it is. The design was inspired by New Hampshire landscape, which is where the recipient lives.