Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Is there a formula to this?

Driving this morning I was reflecting on my relationship and noted that when I fell in love, it has not played out well for me. The first time I truly fell in love I was in my early 20's, it was a disaster - she was immature, insecure, abusive, manipulative. One year in, I had tried to leave but after hours of weeping, apologies, and pleading, along with a sprinkle of feeling responsible for her being New York City where she was like a lost sheep, I gave in. The more time that passed, the harder it was to know how to extricate myself from the crazy cycle of our life. The tipping point seemed to appear out of nowhere, which of course is never quite the case, and suddenly I knew that no matter what the price (and it was very high) I had to get out to save myself.When I left it felt great but I felt enormous pain; pain that left feeling like I wanted to die; I did not really want to die, but I wanted the raging, stabbing sensations to stop.

Before and after that roller coaster ride I was in relationships that were much calmer, and I wondered if it is was because I hadn't "fallen", wondered if I would again. And if I did, could I survive it. But then again, I fell deeply, irrationally for someone. Before even meeting her in person I felt attached, even addicted to this person. It was a ridiculous fall, all the more since it turned out that almost everything she said was a lie. Again I was relieved when it was over, felt worlds better, and it hurt, not as bad as before, but there was sadness. There were little things I missed, much I did not, but there was this emptiness as I was single for the first time in eons, briefly.

The next one I thought was more reasonable, but only because I was not the one who fell first. This one I thought had real potential, it all seemed so sane, especially by comparison. She was not insane like some others but that being swept up thing? Clearly that is my downfall, my Achilles heel. I should know that when I feel that swirling, too hopeful feeling that it is bad news.

What I also noticed in my reverie this morning is that I seem to choose best when it starts slower, perhaps knowing them as part of my social circle first. It might serve me well to keep this in mind for the future. Things are lovely with the person I'm seeing and they fit more in this category which after the review I conducted of my romantic history should be a good sign but the moment I start having faith in someone, my magic thinking leads me to expect the happy times to end.

Yeah, I have might still have some issues to work on.

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